Back to Yesterday (12 page)

February 7, 1943

Dear Charlie,

They say there’s a turning point in everyone’s life. A moment that alters the way we live our lives, or more accurately, a series of moments. A moment like that began for me the night after our second date. It all started when I opened my journal to read the last thing I had written. The events that immediately followed would pick the scab of an old wound, a wound that never seemed to heal. But it was on this night that my life would start down a new path, a road of personal growth and healing. A road that would ultimately lead me to discover what had been holding me back from admitting my feelings for you. It didn’t happen overnight, of course. Life is a journey and some journeys take longer than others. But if you let me explain, I promise that I will make it up to you.

Some day.

Somehow.

Until then, I’ll wait. For as long as it takes, I’ll wait.

~ Sara Bareilles

She Used to Be Mine

I’
m just a girl who works in a café and has dreams of being
somebody
someday. But take away the dreams and…I’m just a girl.

“No, you’re not just a girl,” Elizabeth said, reading over my shoulder.

I slammed my notebook closed. “Stop reading my stuff!”

“I always read your stuff. How else would I ever know what’s going on in that head of yours?”

My innermost thoughts were in that notebook and I didn’t appreciate someone else reading them. Annoyed, I said, “You could
ask
me.”

Wrapping utensils inside a cloth napkin, she said, “There’s no fun in that. I like the challenge you present. Keeps me on my toes.”

“You know everything you need to know.” I tucked my notebook underneath the counter and began the process of taking dirty dishes back to the kitchen. Henry, the manager, had to leave early, so Elizabeth and I were left to close the café.

She followed behind me. “Well, I don’t know how your date went last night. Where did Charles take you?”

Setting the dishes in the sink, I said, “Flying.”

“Flying? Like in an airplane?”

“No, flying kites.” I stepped around her to head back out front to grab more dishes. Looking over my shoulder at her confused face, I said, “Kidding. He’s a pilot, of course in an airplane.”

“So what was that like? Were you scared? Did you have fun? Did he do that thing where you flip over?”

“A barrel roll?” I smiled at the memory. “Yes, he did.”

Elizabeth swatted me on the arm.

“What was that for?”

“For holding out on me. How was that not the first thing you mentioned when you got here?”

“Because I knew you would have that look on your face.”

“What look?”

She looked like a kid in a candy store, all wide-eyed and ready to pounce on the first thing she could sink her teeth into.

“
That
look,” I said, pointing at her face. I wasn’t ready to talk about Charlie with her.

Elizabeth put her hands on her hips and a new look adorned her face. Determination.

Damn it.
“What?”

“Don’t
what
me Sophie Louise McCormick. Why are you being so nonchalant about this? The man took you
flying
. Who does that? I mean, a gorgeous man who has eyes only for you took you up in an airplane…for a date. How are you not giddy? Or throwing up?”

I had been giddy. And I did throw up, after I had gotten home and my nerves finally caught up to me, but nobody needed to know that.

“Come on, let’s have some girl talk. I want details.”

“No. We have work to do,” I said, shrugging her off. “Are you gonna help?”

She started wiping the counter. “We can talk and work at the same time.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying not to lose my patience. “I don’t want to talk about Charlie. Okay?”

“Why?”

“Elizabeth, drop it, all right?”

I headed back towards the kitchen when she said loud enough for me to hear. “So when do you plan on doing it?”

I stopped and turned around. “Do what?”

“Break his heart? Or were you planning on stringing him along for a while?”

“That’s not fair.”

“No, it isn’t. Just like it’s not fair that Andr–”

“Don’t say his name,” I hissed.

“…that Andrew was a lying cad and you’ve had to suffer for it.”

“I cannot believe we are having this conversation,” I said in disbelief. “Can you not respect my wishes? I never want to talk about him.”

“Well, we’re gonna talk about him because you’re letting him dictate how you live your life – who you let in and who you keep out. So yeah, we’re gonna talk about him, girlie, whether you like it or not. Because Charlie is innocent in all of this. He hasn’t done anything to make you push him away.”

“IT’S PUSH OR BE PUSHED!”

She went quiet, her eyes softening around the edges. “God, Sophie, is that what you think?”

My bottom lip quivered, and I gave myself a minute to get the upper hand on my emotions. I stood taller and jutted my chin forward. “I won’t be that girl ever again. The girl who threw pennies into wishing wells. The girl who sat at home and waited for him to come back. The girl who–”

“The girl who trusted?” she asked quietly.

I hung my head, remembering how foolish I had been. “Yes. The girl who trusted.”

“Sophie,” Elizabeth said, sadness filling her eyes. “That’s not something to be ashamed of – you trusting someone.”

“Isn’t it? I believed him. Every time. Doesn’t that make me an idiot?”

She shook her head. “No. That makes him an idiot for not–”

“I don’t want to talk about this. It’s old news anyway.” I was becoming increasingly irritated so I continued cleaning up, eager to escape the lecture I knew was coming, the lecture that always followed whenever my past came up.

“Old news? You’re letting this
old news
commandeer your life.”

“It’s called not being a victim of deceit, something you wouldn’t know anything about.”

“No, it’s called bailing out on life.”

Patience – gone. “Bailing out?” I got in Elizabeth’s face. “I lived it. You didn’t. The broken promises, the lies. I’m never giving someone that kind of power over me ever again. And that includes Charlie. Stop telling me how to live my life.”

“Well, somebody needs to.”

“Why are you doing this? Huh? You wanna know why I didn’t tell you about my date?”

“Because you knew what I would say.”

“Exactly.”

“You knew I would tell you to let go of the past and open your eyes to the possibilities.”

I gritted my teeth, needing her to stop prodding into my business. “You haven’t walked in my shoes, Elizabeth.”

Stepping forward, she got right back in my face. “I knew you would do this.”

“Do what?”

“Charlie is a great guy. He cares about you. You care about him.”

“Stop.”

“No. You care about each other. I’m not gonna let you wreck this thing you’ve got with him because of your stupid pride.”

Red hot anger flashed behind my eyes. “STUPID PRIDE?”

“I didn’t mean that. I meant–”

I held up my hand. “No, I know exactly what you meant. And this conversation is over.”

A flash of lightning lit up the darkening sky the same time Charlie walked through the door. “There’s a nasty storm moving in,” he said, patting his wind-blown hair, unaware of what he’d interrupted. Neither Elizabeth nor I greeted him, both of us trying to tamp down our anger.

He looked between us, concern etching lines into his forehead. “What’s wrong?”

I gathered up the last of the dishes and said, “Nothing’s wrong. We were just having a slight disagreement. Elizabeth thinks she knows what’s best for me and she doesn’t.”

“Right,” Elizabeth said bitterly. “I’ve only known you my whole life. I wouldn’t know anything about you, would I?”

I took the dishes back to the kitchen, turning my back on Elizabeth and Charlie. I couldn’t look at either one of them because the battle between my heart and mind took precedence at the moment. I set the dishes in the sink and slipped out the back door, forgetting about the impending storm. Thunder rumbled and the first drops of rain hit my skin, feeling good on my flushed cheeks. I sat on an empty crate, rested my head on the brick wall behind me, and let the rain wash over me.

Why didn’t he love me? Why wasn’t I good enough?

The tears that I kept locked away unleashed with a fury and I doubled over from the anguish that escaped right along with it.

I loved him…I loved him…I loved him…I loved him…

It had been years since I felt this raw, this exposed, and I didn’t know why it had decided to unleash its wrath on me now.

Anger and bitterness swept over me like a tidal wave, and the stabbing pain of abandonment seized my body.

I hate him…I HATE HIM!

The storm was directly on top of me, yet I couldn’t find the strength to move, to seek shelter.

Charlie lifted me from the crate and carried me inside. He sat us on the floor…me curled into a ball in his lap while he held me in his arms.

“Shhh,” Charlie said in my ear. “Shhhh. It’s okay. Whatever it is, I’ll make it okay.”

I only cried harder.
I was disposable, a cast-away. And I had loved him.

Moments passed before I heard Charlie speak again, and when he did it wasn’t to me. “Don’t worry, Elizabeth,” he said in a strained voice. “I’ll take care of her.”

Replying softly she said, “That’s what I’m counting on, Charlie.”

I don’t know how long I stayed curled into Charlie’s chest while he soothed away the ache, or how long the storm lasted. I don’t know how long it took him to carry me the six blocks to my house, or how long he sat with me while I drifted in and out of sleep on the sofa. I don’t know how many times I felt his touch, or how many times I heard him say…
I love you.

But I do know how many times I wished I could have said it back.

Or maybe I couldn’t. It was an infinite number.

When I awoke, Charlie was asleep on the floor beside the couch with a blanket and pillow I could only assume he had gotten from my mother. I watched his chest rise and fall and I matched his breathing patterns, breath for breath. Inhaling and exhaling, keeping time with his. An invisible force, an unexplainable connection, tethered my heart to his, and I hated it and loved it.