Back To You (15 page)

Perry walked me home and we were having a great co
nversation.  We sat on the door stoop quietly talking a little longer.  But hey, I was home.  We talked.  And then he touched my arm.  And before I knew it, he was kissing me.  I was sucked in.  Like I said, I don’t know if missing Jack so much and being without that affection for five weeks had just broken me, or what, but I caved.  No, we didn’t have sex.  He kissed me.  And I kissed him back for just a second.  Clothes stayed on.  It was passionate.  His kiss was wonderful.  And it lasted less than 30 seconds.  I put the brakes on, so did he, so there was no thought about going any further.  But I had crossed a line.  He kissed my hand when he left.  After I shut the door, I fell apart and sobbed for hours.  I sat in my room, lights out, beating myself up mentally over what I had done.  I couldn’t sleep. 

When the sun started to rise, I knew that in about
twelve hours I would finally be back in the arms of the guy I loved more than anything in the world.  And I had no idea how I could possibly look him in the eye again.

Different people will tell you that different emotions are the strongest.  Fear, love,
sadness.  But guilt?  That one was the worst for me.  I hated letting people down, especially myself.  I was taught to be a perfectionist.  I wanted to be perfect in so many ways, in school, in relationships, in life and everything I did.  I grew up thinking that imperfection was weakness.  Imperfection let people down and left them disappointed.  And it left me destroyed in some ways.  I knew I would spend the rest of my life trying to make up for that.

I also knew that I could never, ever, not in a million years, tell a single soul what I had done.  Jack could never know.  It would hurt him.  He would hate me.  He would leave me.  And I didn’t know how I could live without him.  It was a long plane ride back home, and I cried most of the way.  I was so torn b
etween my guilt and the excitement to feel Jack’s arms around me that I almost made myself sick.  Nothing felt as good as his embrace.  And now, I knew I didn’t deserve it.

*****

The weeks went by slowly for Jack.  He missed Suzy so much.  But he also had time to enjoy with friends and even on his own.  At night, he felt lost not talking to her until he was ready to fall asleep.  Five weeks is a long time to go without someone, especially at their age.  Oh she wrote letters and they talked a few times, but he knew that she was having a great trip.  If he didn’t distance himself from his loneliness, he would have gone crazy.

He drove over to Suzy’s house so he could ride to the airport with her mom.  Suzy’s mom was excited to have her back and they chatted all the way to New Orleans.  Jack kept thinking about how he would react when he saw Suzy again.  Act macho?  Nah.  Run to her and give her a huge hug?  That’s what he wan
ted to do.  What if she was different?  What if she didn’t want him anymore after being around the big city California guys?  Doubt had settled itself in a small corner of his mind and wouldn’t let go.  He knew that any guy who got to know her would be hooked, and he desperately hoped that she hadn’t met someone who had hooked her as well.

*****

Fake it ‘til you make it, baby.  That was all I could think the whole time I put a little makeup on to hide the fact that I had cried a lot that day.  He was going to meet me at the airport with Mom.  My stomach lurched as the plane went down and I knew that I would see him in just a few minutes.  I grabbed my bag and my purse and waited in line to get off the plane.  The eternal walk to the terminal seemed to go on forever, but as I got close to the end, I plastered on a huge smile.  It worked.  I just wanted to feel him close to me.

I saw him first, looking through all of the faces coming off the plane to see mine.  But then he saw me. 
His face lit up like a thousand Christmas lights on a tree.  I pushed through the people and ran to him.  And he grabbed me up in a big bear hug.  A hint of desperation and the feeling that neither of us wanted to let go circled us as much as his arms did.  This was where I was meant to be.  I kissed another guy, but I didn’t love anyone like I loved Jack.  And I pushed those horrible thoughts as far back in my mind as I could so I could feel his freshly shaven cheek against mine.  Smell his own personal wonderful scent.  See his eyes churning with gold and green as he looked into mine.  And feel his lips on mine.  How could I have ever thought that Perry’s kiss felt good, when Jack’s kiss made me melt?

C
hapter 13

Jack realized once she was back in his arms, that nothing had ever felt more right.  But he could see that Suzy looked very tired.  There was a hint of sadness in her eyes.  She had not hesitated to run to him, but on the ride home, he felt like she held back something when she told him about her trip.  But he just figured he was just being paranoid.  It didn’t matter.  She was home.

There were only a couple of weeks
until they would be back at school.  Juniors.  Jack and Suzy spent a lot of time together.  Football practice was starting and it was time to get ready for the next school year.  They built a new school all of the way across town.  No more being late and still making it on time since Jack lived so close to school.  It was a decent drive now since they built the new school out in friggin’ Egypt.

The whole group tried to get together as often as they could before the
school started back up.  They went to see movies, hung out at Suzy’s house, stuffed themselves with pizza and coke, and went swimming wherever they could find a pool.

Jack was bothered though.  Suzy had been acting diffe
rent since she got back from California.  She was still Suzy, and he loved being with her, but she was a little less outspoken, but more eager to please and even sometimes clingy.  He couldn’t shake the thought that something had happened to her while she was gone.  Something she wasn’t talking about.  Anytime he brought it up, she just brushed it off and acted like he was being silly.  But he wasn’t stupid.  There was a shadow in her eyes that she couldn’t hide.

*****

I couldn’t stand it.  I tossed and turned at night.  It was like I was consumed with the guilt of what I had done and was trying to make up for it in every way I could.  And it was eating me alive.  I felt like I had this stifling blanket all around me in the heat of summer.  It was heavy.  I still hadn’t told anyone.  Not even Leah.  The only people who knew were Perry and myself.  And yet, it felt like I was wandering around with the Scarlet Letter emblazoned on my chest.  Oh why why why why WHY did I do this to myself?  To Jack?  I hit a new level of self-loathing.  Jack didn’t deserve what I had done to him.  It didn’t matter what I did, how I tried to make him happy, how I just groveled in my own way without telling him straight out, I knew that he knew something was up.

School was back in session and we were in a brand new school.  Everything smelled new.  We were all searching for our classes like lost sheep.  I didn’t have any classes with Jack.  I hated that.  Although I had been trying so hard to make up for my mistake, I really wanted to spend time with him.  He was my other half, and when I couldn’t see him all day, I felt lost.  I could tell he was di
stancing himself from me.  I guess I couldn’t blame him.  I had been acting pretty strange.  But with the new year at school, I had resolved to be more like my old self again.  Losing the only person who seemed to “get” me just wasn’t an option.  So I had to suck it up, put the past behind me and move on.

I didn’t see Jack’s parents much
except at the football games.  Most of the time they asked me to sit with them, and one week Jack’s mom even asked if I wanted to ride with her in her special edition Corvette.  We talked like old friends.  His dad was always ready with a big hug for me.  And I loved them both.

Maybe it was just being a teenage girl, head over heels in love with the guy of her dreams that made me desperate for him to look up at me in the stands.  It still sent shivers down my spine when he would glance up and smile at me.  I couldn’t wait for homeco
ming and going with Jack FINALLY.

*****

It was hard for Jack not to stare at Suzy when she sat with his parents during football games.  He had been fussed at once by the coach for not paying enough attention.  After the public reprimand in front of the entire team and the teasing afterwards, he did NOT want to go through that again.  But he did chance a look here and there.  He was amazed at how his parents took to Suzy.  They even had her sit with them at the games.  She would talk to them in her animated way that made them laugh or smile.  One night, it rained for a while.  Jack had to sit it out on the bench, but he saw his mom sharing her umbrella with Suzy.  Jack didn’t know why, but he felt very strange when he saw that.  Like he had just eaten something very cold in that heat.

“Hey, I wish my parents liked my girlfriend
s that much.”  Commented Darrin as he brought Jack back to reality.  “Better watch out.”

“Why?” asked Jack.

“Because they will have you married off in no time.”  Darrin shuddered.  “Ugh, I can’t even imagine being married.  There is way too much fun to be had!  Ya know what I mean?”  He laughed and punched Jack in the arm.

The cold in Jack’s stomach started spreading.  “Yeah.”  He played it off.

“I know you will probably be with Suzy, but the guys are talking about going out tomorrow night.  You are welcome to tag along.”

“
Not sure about tomorrow, but I would love to hang out sometime.”  Jack got teased a little by the football players.  Most of them didn’t stay in a committed relationship.  In fact, most of them probably didn’t even know the definition.  They partied.  They played.  They used girls who used them to get what they wanted.  Jack knew way too many details about a few of the cheerleaders and some of the other girls in school.

“Of course, if I had a girl like Suzy, I probably wouldn’t want to hang out with a bunch of guys either.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Dude, you are dating one of the best looking girls in school.  And do you know the best part?”

“Well, I know she is awesome.  What do you think is the best part?”

“She doesn’t even know it.  She has her head in books all the time to even notice what’s going on around her.  A lot of the guys think she is stuck up.”

“Why?”

“Well, I don’t think she is because she
’s always nice to me.  But they think because she doesn’t act like all the other girls that she thinks she is too good for everyone.”

“What?  That’s stupid.  She is just shy.”

“It’s true.  No one believes she is shy.  Look at her!  She is nice to lots of people, she just doesn’t let anyone get to know her very well.  Even the girls talk about her.”  Darrin paused.  “But hey, you would know better, right?”

“Hmpf.”

“I bet she is good in bed though.”  Darrin mused.

“Hey!”  Jack started to get angry.

“Don’t get mad man!  I’m just sayin.  Gotta watch out for the quiet ones.”  Darrin nudged Jack with his elbow.

But Jack didn’t really know if she was considered “good in bed”.  He had only been with her.  He loved being with her.  She was sweet and romantic and a little bit adventurous.  Jack heard stories about other girls and the sexual encounters that the guys would brag about.  Jack usually didn’t say much, and he didn’t talk about her to the others.  That was for him to enjoy.  However, he couldn’t help but feel a little, well, mad.

He didn’t know why he felt mad.  Maybe it was because his parents took Suzy in like a daughter.  Maybe it was because they had been dating for a while now and both of them knew that what they had was pretty serious.  Perhaps it was that the other guys seemed to be having so much fun playing the field and getting drunk and going to parties that he felt left out in a lot of ways.  Suzy hadn’t been acting quite as weird lately, but he still felt that she was keeping something from him.

*****

It was obvious that Jack had something on his mind that night after the game.  Mom was out as usual, so we decided to make love in the living room.  But something seemed to be missing.  Jack wasn’t whispering the sweet nothings to me.  He wasn’t touching me softly, he didn’t even wrap me up in his arms when we were done.  He just jumped up and changed the music on the stereo.  He was avoiding my eyes, my questions, me.

“Jack?” 

“Hmm?”  He didn’t look at me, just kept his back to me and fiddled with the stereo.

“Jack, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong.”

I knew something was bothering him.  “Hey, I can tell som
ething is bugging you.”

He sort of half laughed.

“Look at me Jack.”

He turned to me.  “What?”  He almost shouted it.

“This is me you are talking to Jack.  Now what’s wrong?”

He paused a moment.  I could tell he was deliberating som
ething in his mind.  “Would you have a problem if I said I didn’t want to go out tomorrow night?  That I wanted to hang out with some friends?”

“But we are going to hang out with friends.”

“Not OUR friends.  MY friends.  Some of the guys from the team.”

“Oh.”  Is there a way to describe the moment you know that something is completely changing and you have no control over it?  That feeling that tells you way ahead of time that life as you know it will soon be over and the walls will come crumbling down?  I don’t think there is
any way to describe it, but I was willing to bet that every single person in the world has felt it at least once.  Hold it together Suzy, I thought to myself.  “No, I don’t mind.”  I could feel my protective walls growing to hide the hurt that was budding in my gut.  “What are you guys going to do?”

“Does it really matter?”  He sighed.

I just looked at him, shocked at his tone.  He was...mad.  “Why do you seem so mad?”

Jack closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  “I’m sorry Suzy Q.  I didn’t mean to snap at you.  I guess I just feel sort of, I don’t know, trapped sometimes.”

“Trapped?”

“Okay, not the right word.  Um, I just feel like I don’t have any other life outside of you and our friends.  Sometimes I just want to go hang out with someone other than Randy and Lee.”

This wasn’t going very well.  Call it intuition, call it whatever.  This was NOT a good sign.  I couldn’t hide all of the hurt, but I looked away so he couldn’t see it.

“Fine.  I don’t care.  Go out with them tomorrow night.”

He breathed a sigh of relief.  “Thanks.”  I still didn’t look at him.  He put his thumb under my chin and made me look him in the eye.  “I love you.  Don’t forget that.  I just need a little space.”  He kissed my nose and smiled.  “Now didn’t you have something you wanted to talk to me about?”

I wanted to melt.  I wanted this feeling to leave so I could enjoy his touch.  I wanted him to just hold me.  I was struggling to not feel like he was drifting away from me like sand through a sieve. 

I wanted to change the subject, so I just blurted out, “I wanted to make sure we were going to the Sadie Hawkins dance, and what kind of shirt you wanted.”  Sadie Hawkins dance was also known as the backward dance.  The girl asked the guy.  The girl paid and bought them matching shirts.  It usually had a back woods country theme.

He hesitated for just one teeny tiny millisecond, but I felt it.  “Of course we are.”  He said.

When he left that night, I felt sick to my stomach.  I knew it.  I did something horrible and I was being punished for it.  I didn’t deserve someone like Jack.  He wanted freedom, which was never a good sign in a serious relationship.  I wanted to talk to Donna, but she didn’t go to school with me anymore and we hadn’t spoken in months, I wanted to talk to Reneigh, but she was too wrapped up in her cheerleader friends.  I couldn’t bear to talk to Paulette or Lindsey, in case I was just being paranoid.  And at that moment I realized I didn’t have a friend to talk to.  My life was all about Jack, and I certainly couldn’t talk to him about this.  Once again, I felt completely and utterly alone.

*****

“Going out with Suzy tonight?”  Jack’s dad asked at dinner.

“Um.  No, not tonight.  Hanging out with some guys from the team.”

“Oh, that’s nice.”  Jack’s mom piped up.

Jack’s dad just cleared his throat.  Jack was getting nervous with the silence. 
I wonder why they aren’t saying much?
  He thought.

At the same time, Jack’s mom was thinking all sorts of thoughts about her son.  She was worried he was getting too s
erious too fast.  But she really adored Suzy and knew that Jack was so happy with her.  On the other hand, she was surprised that he wasn’t going out with the normal “crew”.  Were they having problems?  It would be good to see Jack branch out a little more, but then again, she knew that teenage boys did stupid things like drinking and driving.

Jack’s dad had only two thoughts. 
One, that couldn’t be good.  And two, he knew exactly what happened when guys from the football team got together.  It might be good for a guy to discover his boundaries, but it usually didn’t end very well.

Finally, Jack got up and got ready to leave.  He didn’t take his time to look nice tonight like he did when he was going to see Suzy.  T-shirt and shorts.  He tied up his Reeboks and grabbed his keys.  Before he walked out of his room, he stopped to look at the picture he had of Suzy.  He was excited to hang out with the guys, but he missed her already. 
It’s not like we are married
, he thought. 
I’m not cheating on her.  I’m just going out with the guys.  Then why do I feel like this?