Bad Austen (19 page)
Authors: Peter Archer
M
ARY
C.M. P
HILLIPS
Elizabeth, having had prior feelings of reservation, could not help fancying the thought of opening a Facebook account and related her curiosity to Jane.
“Indeed,” said Jane, smiling. “The gentlemen on Facebook you will find to be agreeable and pleasant; men of fine reputation and good manners.”
Elizabeth’s disinclination was noticeable; she was silent. She considered her feelings of possible judgment. “What might Mr. Darcy think of such an act?”
“Mr. Darcy is not so well worth your consideration, for he is most disagreeable,” Mrs. Bennet protested from across the breakfast-parlour. “So proud and conceited; I detest the man. How pleasant it is to spend time with Mr. Collins, instead, a lively gentlemen of the finest breeding with ties to Wall Street, and having made a bucket-load of money hedging crude oil and gold bullion; he is clever and well-suited!”
Elizabeth left the breakfast-parlour where all but Jane and Mr. Bennet were assembled, gathered her thoughts, and sat down in the library where Mr. Bennet spent late afternoons playing games of leisure on his laptop, such as Mafia Wars and Farmville.
He, too, had been headstrong and less than enthusiastic to involve himself with proud activities such as social networking until Mrs. Bennet explained that her nerves could simply bear no more.
She related to him that the neighbors were frequently tagging photos of Mr. Bennet, a handsome but rather large man, onto her Wall, photos of him playing electric guitar with his band, Good and Amiable Company.
“My dear, you must indeed get your own account and have compassion on my nerves,” she cried. He had always intended to open an account, so while his wife visited the Bingley home one fine afternoon, he signed up thither.
Elizabeth logged on to Mr. Bennet’s computer and pondered this new adventure with much attention. Opening a Facebook account could be pleasant and satisfying! She reflected on the prospect of reuniting with friends from high school and abroad, as the Internet was vast and enormous, a place containing a great variety of ground, a place to perhaps even write a blog—or sell crap on eBay. Oh, the possibilities!
With a few keystrokes she had registered herself and entered the world of social networking, looking upon ladies of fashionable attire, well-groomed and handsome gentlemen, less-than-well-groomed and handsome gentlemen, and some less-than-handsome and in need of a bath.
Suddenly a red spot appeared on the top of the screen. Elizabeth promptly clicked the unannounced e-mail. Here she found a “friendship request” from Mr. Darcy himself. “Will you accept my friendship, as my feelings have not changed since I saw you last?”
Elizabeth was elated. The decision had been a good and proper one. She confirmed his request, as any lady of good character and happy manners would, and then spent the rest of the evening viewing photos that he had recently posted of Pemberley Woods.
He had not a profile photo, however, as both Elizabeth and he agreed was far too pompous, lacking humility.
Elizabeth had also entered “it’s complicated” in reference to her relationship status. Soon, however, within a fortnight, she would be updating her status to “in-a-relationship” with none other than the handsome, although privately so, Mr. Darcy.
D
ID
Y
OU
K
NOW?
With five brothers at home and just one sister, Jane was growing up in quite a masculine household. Moreover, her parents ran a school for boys in their home. Is it any wonder Jane Austen was able to depict the behavior of men with such accuracy and their feelings with such sympathy?
We see how much the dispositions and preferred pastimes of spirited boys must have appealed to the young Jane in the characters of some of her heroines. Catherine Morland, the heroine of
Northanger Abbey
, is in fact what we would call a tomboy: “She was fond of all boys’ plays, and greatly preferred cricket not merely to dolls, but to the more heroic enjoyments of infancy … she was moreover noisy and wild, hated confinement and cleanliness, and loved nothing so well in the world as rolling down the green slope at the back of the house.” As many have pointed out, there is just such a slope at the back of the Steventon rectory.
B
ennet
B
ridezillas
T
ARA
O’D
ONNELL
It has become a truth universally acknowledged that a successful television network, possessed of the need to keep their rating status on a high level, must be in want of an entertainment dedicated to strife.
Bearing that notion in mind, the Royal We Channel is pleased to extend an invitation to its gentle viewers to accompany them as they pay a call upon the Bennets of Longbourn during their preparations for the upcoming nuptials of one of their five daughters.
Do join us in celebration as well as speculation into the goings-on amongst this seemingly happy family as they gather together to create a splendid occasion that should bring their best behavior forth or, for the benefit of our mutual amusement, reveal some of their less attractive qualities:
(As the curtain rises, Mrs. Bennet and Mr. Collins are seated near one another in the parlor while Mr. Bennet keeps to his book nearby.)
Mrs. Bennet:
oh, my dear Mr. Bennet, is it not wonderful that just as our dear Lydia was finished mourning the loss of poor Mr. Wickham than she should find herself engaged to that charming Colonel Fitzwilliam, who has quite a good income for a second son, and a relation of our dear Mr. Darcy as well?
Mr. Bennet:
Quite true, my dear. our youngest is indeed most fortunate to have found another man with a taste for silly women and enough of a fortune to make such a union worth her while. (He turns away from visitors, book firmly in front of his face.)
Mrs. B:
oh, how you take delight in vexing me and my poor nerves! (She turns her attention to Mr. Collins.) And how fortunate for our family that one of your parish duties is now as arranger of weddings, Mr. Collins!
Mr. Collins:
Yes, madam, the banns for your daughter’s marriage could not have been called at a more suitable time. With the assistance of my dear Charlotte, along with my noble patroness Lady Catherine de Bourgh, whose sanction I would not dare to proceed without….
(Mr. Collins’s lofty statements regarding his new employ are interrupted by the fierce opening of the parlor door and the entrance of Lydia with her sister, kitty, alongside her. Mr. Bennet chooses to take this most agreeable opportunity to make haste to his library.)
Kitty:
The gowns that Lydia has chosen for her wedding party to wear are a hideous colour that makes me look ill, Mamma! Have her change it, I beg of you!
Lydia:
It is not my fault that you are too plain to look well enough in it! There is not a prettier shade in satin in all of Brighton, and when my dear Fitzwilliam wears his regimentals amongst all the officers attending our wedding there, that colour must match his blue coat!
Mrs. B:
Have some compassion on my poor nerves!
Mr. Collins:
I was not informed that Brighton would be the location for your wedding, cousin. Lady Catherine was condescending enough to allow Rosings to be used for the reception, provided that certain restrictions are adhered to.
Mrs. B:
Why, that is very good of her Ladyship to make her house available, Sir, but Rosings is quite a long ways away. Now, I was considering Purvis Lodge, despite their dreadful attics or …
(The former Mrs. Wickham chooses this moment to make her displeasure at such arrangements known by raising the tone of her voice to such heights as to cause the furniture to tremble while stamping her feet.)
Lydia:
I WANT TO GO TO BRIGHTON!!!
(Kitty begins to weep and flees from the limited comfort her mother can provide at this particular time. As she ascends the stairs, her elder sister Elizabeth can be seen speaking with their father outside of the library door.)
Elizabeth:
Father, I entreat you, it is bad enough that Lydia’s impudent behavior is known outside her family, but to have this most public exposure while she is in the midst of preparing to make a new beginning for herself and Colonel Fitzwilliam will only serve to fix her in society as the most determinedly foolish bride that ever chose to reenter the married state!
Mr. B:
Calm yourself, my dear. It is true that Lydia seems to have learned little about proper decorum during her earlier marriage, but do remember what I told you once about being sport for our neighbors and laughing at them in return, which sadly seems to be the fashion these days. …
(our presence has been detected by Elizabeth and her father, causing them both to retreat into the quiet sanctuary of the library and firmly close the door behind them. Perhaps they will excuse our interference at a later time and realize that it was kindly meant.)
S
ass and
S
exual
A
mbiguity
S
TACEY
S
PENCER
Elizabeth and emma were neither above the age of graduation nor below the age of menstruation, and were in possession of a notable tendency to enjoy the taste of Pimm’s and not stray away from even the most altering of mind-numbing pharmaceuticals. to their well-below-favorably-rated credit, they had recently gained acquisition of a fine Ford taurus, which aided them in setting out to drive to the end of the world or, as their fellow countrymen called it, California.
One would not say that it wasn’t true that they had set out to visit a vacationing friend, a man who had gone to college and left, then returned to college only to be released again and come back with a condition called PhD. At university, Elizabeth had been acquainted with this PhD while not dabbling in Sapphic Arts and Literature, and it wouldn’t be untrue to say that she had also, in an unwittingly ambitious way, attracted a condition of her own, also named with its own three-letter acronym, from him.
