Bad Austen (21 page)
Authors: Peter Archer
“He is also handsome, with good hair,” replied Nicky, “which a young man ought likewise to be, if he possibly can. His character is thereby complete.”
“I was very much flattered by his asking me for cocaine a second time. I did not expect such a compliment.”
“Did not you?
I
did for you, you are known for having the best product. But that is one great difference between us. Compliments always take
you
by surprise, and
me
never. What could be more natural than his asking you again? He could not help seeing that you were about five times as slutty as every other woman in the room. No thanks to his celebrity for that. Well, he certainly is very agreeable, and I give you leave to do a line with him. You have liked many a stupider person….”
“WTF, Nicky!”
“Oh! You are a great deal too apt, you know, to like people in general. You never see a fault in anybody. All the world is good and agreeable in your eyes. I never heard you speak ill of a human being in my life, except, of course, Britney … and maybe Lindsey … and that paparazzi you hit with your Bentley … and …”
“OMG. I would wish not to be hasty in censuring anyone, but I
always
tweet what I think.”
“I know you do, and it is
that
which makes the wonder. With
your
good sense, to be honestly blind to the follies and nonsense of others! Affectation of candour is common enough—one-night stands are easy enough to come by. But to be candid without ostentation or design—to take the good of every hot body and make it still hotter by your association, and say nothing of the bad—belongs to you alone. And so, you like this guy’s friends, too, do you? Their celebrity is not equal to his.”
“Hell no, not at first. But they get hotter after you converse with them. Robert Pattinson is to live with Justin and keep the party going at his house, and I am much mistaken if we shall not find him a very charming neighbor in the Hollywood Hills.”
Nicky listened in silence while texting her BFF, but was not convinced. Their behaviour at the Halloween bash had not been calculated to please in general, and with more quickness of observation and less ditziness than her sister, she was very little disposed to approve of these dudes. They were, in fact, very fine talents, not deficient in good humour when they were pleased, nor in the power of being agreeable where they chose it; but proud and conceited. They were rather handsome, had been educated by Disney, had a fortune to rival her Hilton inheritance, were in the habit of spending more than they ought and of associating with people of rank, and were therefore in every respect entitled to think well of themselves, and meanly of others. Pattinson was at least of a respectable family in the north of england, a circumstance more deeply impressed on their memories than Bieber’s fortune, which had been acquired mostly due to a haircut.
PART 3
Superheroes, Vampires, and Pemberley, Oh, My!
Could there be anything more entertaining than Darcy as a vampire? We didn’t think so. of the entries in the Bad Austen contest, many of them were mashups of some of our favorite novels, television shows, and movies. Yes, we mean
Star Wars
. Read on for some Austen-esque stories that are the result of two very different worlds colliding.
B
edside
M
anners
C. M
OORE
“Any half-wit can see that she’s set her cap on Chase,” remarked the physician, “though I cannot see why. He’s a pretty pink, to be sure, but exceedingly vain.”
“You’re just jealous,” said his colleague. “Besides, your own sense of vanity far outstrips his.”
The first physician twirled his walking stick. “Foreman, why the deuce must you persist in wearing purple cravats? You’ll make our idiot patients cast up their accounts.”
Foreman smiled. “A fine parry! See, I knew you were jealous.”
“I do not desire Miss Cameron. She’s nubile, to be sure, but gold tresses do not suit her. ’tis Miss Cuddy whom I would fain bed.” The physician glanced up as a dark-haired lady entered his study. “Aha, good day, dear Miss Cuddy! She of the shapely posterior and plunging décolletages.”
Miss Cuddy lifted one perfectly shaped brow. She was far too well-bred to acknowledge such a brutish greeting. Instead, she said, “good day, Dr. House. I have a new case for you. That is, unless you would rather earn yourself a fortnight’s clinic duty?”
“Touché!” quipped Dr. House, casting a wry look at Foreman. “Do you see how this fair creature has me completely at sixes and sevens? I worship you, Miss Cuddy!”
“You worship no other but yourself, sir. Now here is the file.” Dr. House took up said document and gave it a cursory perusal. As Miss Cuddy moved to withdraw, he beckoned her back. “tell me, my adored one, have you yet restored my steed to his rightful place in the stables?”
Miss Cuddy sighed. “Your request was denied. There is another for whom walking further would be a still greater burden. You and I both know your alleged war injury was in fact sustained during a horserace.”
“Racing, ay! Racing into battle!” objected House. “I earned a medal for that.”
“You earned a fine purse, though you were dragged the last ten yards by the stirrups!” chortled Foreman.
“Traitor!” snapped House, glaring. “And a liar, as well! every-one’s a liar in this dashed place!”
Miss Cuddy smiled knowingly and exited without another word.
Dr. House stewed in silence for a minute. Then he seized a quill, scratched out a quick note, and rang for the messenger.
“What shall you do now?” wondered Dr. Foreman.
“I’ll come up with a plan,” growled House, “just as soon as Wilson brings me a fresh bottle of laudanum!”
D
ID
Y
OU
K
NOW?
Many people who haven’t actually read Jane Austen have an idea of her as a prim and proper writer of ladylike prose, or perhaps a writer of extravagant Regency romances. A reading of her novels, with their sharp, dry wit, splendid nonsense, and intricate exploration of the psychological truths behind human behavior, will completely explode these mistaken notions. However, even many of her most passionate fans have no idea how very far from “prim and proper” she can be. Austen’s letters are quite revealing in that regard, but the most illuminating evidence of her writerly interest in the vicious, violent, stupid, and silly (more to the taste of raucous boys than refined ladies) can be found in the juvenilia.
Jack & Alice
, written when Jane was in her early teens and dedicated to her brother Frank, then away at sea serving in the navy, contains an exuberantly drawn cast of flawed characters: “The Johnsons were a family of Love, & though a little addicted to the Bottle & the Dice, had many good Qualities.”
The character Alice “almost came to Blows” against Lady Williams in one well-lubricated rage. Drunkenness was certainly very common at the time but is very little touched upon in Austen’s later work—and certainly not among women! Violence is relished, too: The lovely Lucy is caught in a man-trap and then poisoned by a rival who is herself hanged for the offense. And it is all rollicking fun.
G
one with the
P
ride
S
ANDRA
L
ONG
That a recent widower in possession of children must be in need of a wife was a belief held so strongly by Scarlett that she presumed Ashley would be her next of kin.
“Ashley, I have pined for the loss of your affections, but you are now free to make me an offer.”
“You have misunderstood. I cannot marry you.”
The lady was without speech; it was unfathomable to her that a woman could be refused an offer of marriage.
Ashley observed an unusual lack of discourse and so, with a sense of propriety, quickly filled the void. “Indeed you are mistaken of my desires. My inclinations are not toward ladies.”
“Don’t trifle with me, Ashley. No ladies? Surely you don’t mean you have affection only for commoners?”
More contrary the truth could be not. “Scarlett, forgive me for being forthright: Feminine pulchritude does not sail my ship.”
“Oh no! You mean you are … unusual? How can this be? You made known no such unusualness to me.”
“Pink ruffled shirts?” A lady in possession of a sharper mind might have deduced the obvious, he surmised.
Scarlett knew Rhett had a multitude of ruffles in his closet yet had no inclination to join the crew of Ashley’s ship. “Shame on you! Why did not you make this clear to me before? I can’t believe I have wasted my life waiting for you. You have injured me. Badly done, Ashley…. But are you truly firm in the certainty of your mind on this topic? Surely you could be swayed by the true love of a Southern Lady?”
At this point of time, his inclinations were fixed and nothing forthcoming from Scarlett could affect change. “Alas, it is so. But now my current circumstance has given me leave to visit my true desires. gossip has been spreading that Rhett may be departing your company. I have taken notice of his ruffles, though pink they are not, and I am on my way to see if an attachment is a possibility between us.”
“No!!! It cannot be. Your declaration has made me mind my own heart. I think I may be in love with Rhett. I may have loved him all along. No! You cannot have him. I love Rhett! I must leave for tara with haste. I cannot fret on this for a fortnight.”
