Barbara Freethy - Some Kind Of Wonderful (30 page)

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"So that's it," Jolie said, handing Caitlyn yet another Kleenex.
"That's it." They sat in the back room of Devereaux's surrounded by
wedding dresses and other
wedding paraphernalia while one
of their assistants worked out front. Caitlyn had just finished telling
Jolie the whole horrible story—for the last time, she hoped. There was
no one else left to tell.
"I knew something was bothering you, I just didn't know what. I thought
maybe Brian had cheated
on you."
Caitlyn shook her head. "No, he didn't do anything wrong."
"Well, he did leave you at a rotten time in your life."
"I told him to go."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, but that didn't mean he had to listen. I know this
must be killing you, Caity. You
love kids."
"I do, but it's not meant to be. Now that I've said it out loud four
times, no less, I'm starting to come
to terms with it."
"You know, I would have a kid for you if you wanted me to."
Caitlyn's mouth dropped open. "What? Are you crazy? You couldn't do
that."
"Actually, I could. I wouldn't want to raise it, of course, but I'd
carry it for you."
"Wow." Caitlyn was awed by the offer, and when she looked into the eyes
of her very best friend, she saw nothing but love and a need to help.
"That's an incredible thing to suggest, and I would really need
to
think long and hard about it, but thank you. You're amazing."
"You'd have to be my personal slave for nine months, though."
"I'm sure. But at the moment this conversation is premature. I don't
exactly have a father figure lined up."
"Sure you do." Jolie smiled her wise little smile that drove Caitlyn
nuts.
"Don't say Brian."
"I wouldn't dream of it. I never thought Brian was good enough for you."
"Hello. You were going to be my maid of honor, and you never said
anything."
"Because you seemed happy. In retrospect, I think you were lucky you
didn't marry him. Especially
now that you're in love with Matt."
"I am not in love with Matt."
"You are so in love with him."
"I might have a little lust, but that's it."
"That's bullshit, Caity. You've never in your life slept with a man you
didn't care about."
"How do you know I slept with Matt?"
"Because you looked loved two days ago. I must admit you look more
depressed now, but love and
pain tend to go hand in hand."
"We had a great time together." Caitlyn tried to make it sound casual.
"But it's over."
"Why does it have to be?"
"Because Emily is gone."
"So what? Matt is still living across the hall, as hunky as ever.
Frankly, I think you could have even
more fun making love without a
two-month-old chaperone in the next room ready to bawl her eyes
out at
any second."
"But Emily is the only reason Matt ever asked me over."
"So ask yourself over. You're a modern woman, Caitlyn. Are you going to
let a little hallway between
you hold you back?"
"He'll want children. I saw him with Emily. He was a great dad. I can't
give him that."
"That's his decision. Stop trying to make it for him. That's what you
did with Brian when you sent him away.
That's what you did with me by not telling me the truth. Let Matt
decide for himself if he wants you
or if he doesn't."
"I'm not sure I can handle the 'if he doesn't' part. It already hurts
so much to lose Emily, and I've
known her a week. How can I take a
chance on losing Matt, too, if not now, but in the future? It
would
hurt even more then."
Jolie took Caitlyn's hand in hers. "You'll lose him if you don't tell
him how you feel. That's the one
thing I do know. But whatever happens,
we'll get through it together. Now, go home and get your life
straightened out."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure. And give Matt my love," she called after Caitlyn with a
cheerful smile. "On second thought, just give him yours. That will be
more than enough."
The fire engines were lined up down his block, smoke turning the sky to
black, ash blowing in the wind. Matt had tried to get closer, but the
police had kept everyone back. There was nothing he could do now but
watch and wonder.
Fire seemed to be a theme that ran through his life, and Sarah's
too—the fire that tore them apart, the
fire next to her hair salon, and
now a fire practically in his backyard. . . . Was something going on?
Or was it all just coincidence?
"Matt?"
He turned to see Jonathan and Sarah walking up the sidewalk. Sarah had
Emily in her arms; Jonathan
had his arm around both of them. Matt felt
his body tighten with jealousy. Yesterday the family had
been his, his
and Caitlyn's, Now it was Jonathan, Sarah, Emily. He was surprised at
how much he
didn't like the idea, not for Sarah's sake but for his own.
"What's happening?" Sarah asked.
"A fire in the apartment building at the corner."
"What are you doing out here?"
Matt looked into her eyes and realized she knew exactly what he was
doing out there. "Just checking things out."
"Did you see her?"
"No, but I heard a woman was seen leaving the building shortly before
the fire. I don't know any more than that." He paused. "What's up with
you?"
"I wanted to tell you that I can get into the home tomorrow. A space
opened up earlier than they thought."
"I thought you could stay with me for a few days."
"I won't be far away. But I need to do this, Mattie. It's time I took
charge of my own life."
He understood, but he didn't like it. Sarah had just returned to his
life, now it felt like she was leaving again. And as his expression
drifted to Emily, he knew he would miss her, too, more than he had ever
dreamed possible.
As Matt looked away, he saw Caitlyn standing by the front door,
watching them. He didn't know if the longing on her face had to do with
him or with Emily; it was impossible to tell, and his confidence took
another big hit.
Caitlyn started, suddenly realizing they had caught her staring.
"Hi," she said, her gaze sweeping over all of them.
Sarah and Jonathan said hello. Matt simply nodded.
"Do they have the fire under control?" she asked.
"It looks that way," he replied.
And there was nothing left to say—only there was everything to say. He
just didn't know where to begin.
"I want to thank you," Sarah said to Caitlyn. "Matt told me how much
you helped him, how much you cared for Emily."
"It was nothing. She's a good baby."
"I'm lucky to have her. And I'm going to work really hard to make sure
she feels lucky to have me."
"Are you going somewhere, then?" Caitlyn asked.
"To a home for single mothers and kids. They help you with baby-sitting
and job hunting. I'm moving
in tomorrow."
Caitlyn licked her lips. "I hope it works out for you. I should go
upstairs."
"Hang on a second, Caitlyn," Matt said.
She stopped, but she didn't look like she planned on staying. Before he
could think of something to
say, his cell phone rang. "Just wait," he
said as she started to edge away.
"Winters."
"I think I found your mother." Blake's abrupt words shocked Matt to the
core. Would they never stop coming, the unexpected surprises? He didn't
think he could take one more.
"Where is she?" he asked curtly, not sure he wanted to know. Except
that he did, because he couldn't keep chasing fires, wondering if his
mother had started them, and he couldn't keep following old ladies
in
straw hats just to catch a glimpse of a familiar face. He needed to end
it. He needed to end it now.
"Meet me at 472 Dolores Drive in South San Francisco. Take the Orange
Drive exit off 101 and turn right."
Matt didn't recognize the address. "Is that where she's living?"
"Just come," Blake said.
"I'll be there in twenty minutes." He hung up the phone and found the
others watching him expectantly. "Blake thinks he found our mother."
Sarah was horrified. "You were looking for her?"
"I have to know, Sarah. I can't keep wondering if she's going to pop up
somewhere, especially now that
I know she came back and got you. I
think you should come with me. I think you should all come."
Caitlyn immediately shook her head. "This is family business. You don't
need me."
"I do need you," he said, moving toward her so he could look directly
into her eyes. He wanted her to
see how deep his need was. He couldn't
do this alone. He needed her by his side. Maybe it was selfish. Maybe
Caitlyn was wondering when it would ever be her turn. He just hoped she
would say yes anyway.
She hesitated, obviously torn. "Is it that important to you?"
"More than I can say."
"All right."
"Sarah?" he asked, turning to his sister.
"If you really feel you need to see her, I'll go with you. But don't
expect too much, Matt. I don't think
she got better with age."
*  *  *
Twenty-five minutes later Matt pulled up in front of the address Blake
had given him. The black
numbers were painted broadly on the white wall
in front of the Bay view Cemetery. Matt was stunned. He hadn't expected
this, not this. His mother was dead? It didn't seem possible. But of
course it was. Only, in the past week he'd thought he'd seen her. He'd
thought he'd felt her presence in his life again.
Blake was waiting just inside the gates. He motioned for Matt to follow
him, then got into his car and
led them about a half mile into the
cemetery. Matt parked his car along the road and stepped out, the
others doing the same.
"Why didn't you tell me on the phone?" Matt asked Blake, 'i could have
prepared Sarah." And he could have prepared himself.
'"You won't believe this," Blake said. "Remember that woman you told me
you kept seeing, the one holding the watering can?"
"What about her? Obviously, it wasn't my mother, if you're going to
tell me she's dead."
"Follow me." Blake led them through a clump of trees. Just on the other
side was a grave with a plain headstone and something next to it—a
watering can.
Matt felt his heart skip a beat, and he instinctively reached for
Caitlyn, who steadied him by placing her hand in his.
"It's okay," she whispered. "You can do this."
He moved closer to the grave, his gaze traveling first to the watering
can; it was exactly like the one he'd seen the old woman carrying. Then
his gaze moved to the headstone, where he read his mother's name and
the dates of her life, the last date being one year, almost to the day,
earlier.
Matt sank down to his knees on the ground. Sarah knelt beside him. "I
can't believe she's dead," Sarah said.
Leaning over, Matt picked up the watering can. "A gardener probably
left this behind."
Sarah didn't answer him as she turned her gaze toward the sky. Matt
couldn't help but follow her lead, not knowing what he was searching
for, but he still felt compelled to look up.
"Maybe it's a sign," Sarah whispered.
"Of what ?"'
"She could be an angel."
"An angel? I doubt that. If she ended up anywhere, it was hell. Sorry,
Reverend," he mumbled, glancing back at Jonathan.
Sarah looked at Jonathan, too. "Do you think it's possible? Could Mama
have been trying to make up
for everything bad by bringing us back
together? I saw her. You saw her, too," she said to Matt.
"What do you think?" he asked Caitlyn.
"It is odd that I never saw her."
"Jonathan didn't see her either," Sarah added.
The four of them stared at each other, then one by one their gazes
drifted back to the simple headstone.
"Well, at least we won't have to worry every time we hear a fire
engine. I wonder who buried her," Matt said as he and Sarah got to
their feet. "I guess we'll never know. I guess we'll never know a lot
of things."
"Can you live with that?" Caitlyn asked him. "Can you live with not
knowing all the details?"
He gave her question a moment of thought. "I think I can. It's over
now. It's all over." He looked at Blake. "You were right. I needed to
see this for myself."
"I don't think you'll be needing me anymore." Blake tipped his head.
"I'll see you around. Enjoy your family."
"I will." Matt took one last look at his mother's grave, then walked
back to the car. He knew where everyone was now. Maybe he could finally
find peace.
*  *  *
Caitlyn was glad she'd gone with Matt to the cemetery, happy she'd seen
him put to rest the last of his demons. But when they walked down the
hallway to Matt's apartment, she knew she couldn't go any farther.
Sarah, Jonathan, and Emily went inside the apartment, leaving the two
of them alone in the hallway—again. "This is where it all started,"
Matt said.
"Right here."
"I don't want it to end."
She wasn't sure she'd heard him correctly. "What did you say?"
"I don't want it to end, you and me, Caitlyn. That's what I don't want
to end."
"There is no you and me without Emily," she argued, feeling she had to
point it out to him one last time.
"There could be." He moved closer to her, putting his hands on her
waist, burning her with his touch. "We were good together even when we
weren't changing diapers. I know you know that, even though you're not
willing to admit it. We clicked on a lot of levels. I've never known a
woman like you. I never knew I could feel the way I feel when I'm with
you."
She swayed slightly, torn between pushing him away and pulling him
closer. "How do you feel?"
"I love you, Caitlyn," he said slowly, deliberately, purposefully.
Her breath caught in her chest. "You do?"
"Yes. I love the way you smile at the silliest little things, the way
you light up a room when you walk into it, the way you insist on seeing
the good things in life and in people and in me. I don't know if I
deserve
to have you, but I sure as hell want you. Now, tell me how you
feel, and remember that you can't lie to me. I'll see right through
you."
She looked into his eyes and saw a man who spoke only the truth. How
could she do anything but the same? "I love the way you can read my
mind, the way you don't need a book to figure me out, the way you boost
my confidence and make me feel stronger and braver than I've ever felt
in my life. I love the way you accept me for who I am without trying to
change me. I love you, Matt, with all my heart."
"Thank God," he muttered, pressing his mouth against hers.
She took him in, all the way in, into her mouth, into her heart, into
her soul. He was everywhere, in
every molecule of air that she
breathed. Love had never been so all-consuming. And she knew without
a
doubt that this was meant to be.
"We'll figure out the kid thing," Matt muttered against her mouth as he
continued to press kisses along
her lips, her cheek, and the sensitive
spot behind her ear. "We can adopt. There are hundreds of kids
out
there who need the kind of love we can give them."
She pulled slightly away so she could look into his face. "Are you
sure, Matt? It's all so fast. I don't
want you to make any promises
now. It's enough to know that you love me. The rest I want you to
think
about. If you want children of your own, you should have them."
"I don't have to think about it, Caitlyn. I know what I want, and it's
you."
"Think about it anyway,'* she said, placing her finger against his lips
as he started to interrupt. "I don't want either of us to have any
doubts. I want to take it slow."
"How slow?" he asked with a sexy smile. "Because, believe me, I can go
as slow as you want."
"Well, not that slow," she said with a laugh. "You'll drive me crazy."
"That would be my pleasure. Now, as for our next date . . ."
"We're going to date?"
"If we're going slow, we are. Our next official date will be Sunday
morning."
Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Sunday morning? What happens then?"
"You'll see."

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