Battlefield of the Mind (23 page)

Behold, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs forth; do you not
perceive and know it and will you not give heed to it? I will even
make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. Isaiah 43:18,19

I wasted so many years of my life feeling sorry for myself. I was one of those cases of addiction. My automatic response to any kind of disappointment was self-pity. Satan would immediately fill my mind with wrong thoughts, and not knowing how to "think about what I was thinking about," I simply thought on whatever fell into my head. The more I thought, the more pitiful I felt.

I often tell stories about the early years of our marriage. Every Sunday afternoon during football season, Dave wanted to watch the games on television. If it was not football season, it was some other "ball season."

Dave enjoyed it all, and I did not enjoy any of it. He liked anything that involved a bouncing ball and could easily get so caught up in some sports event that he didn't even know I existed.

One time I stood right in front of him and said very clearly, "Dave I don't feel well at all; I feel like I'm going to die."

Without raising his eyes from the television screen, he said, "Uh huh, that's nice, dear."

I spent many Sunday afternoons angry and in self-pity. I always cleaned house when I got mad at Dave. I know now that I was trying to make him feel guilty for enjoying himself while I was being so miserable.

I would storm around the house for hours, slamming doors and drawers, marching back and forth through the room where he was, vacuum sweeper in hand, making a loud display of how hard I was working.

I was, of course, trying to get his attention, but he hardly noticed me at all. I would give up, go to the back of the house, sit on the bathroom floor and cry. The more I cried, the more pitiful I felt. God gave me a revelation in later years about why a woman goes to the bathroom to cry.

He said it is because there is a big mirror in there, and after she has cried a long time, she can then stand up and take a long look at herself and see how truly pitiful she looks.

I looked so bad sometimes that when I saw my reflection in the mirror I'd start crying all over again. Finally, I would make my sorrowful last stroll through the family room where Dave was, walking slowly, and ever so pitifully. He would occasionally look up long enough to ask me to bring him some iced tea if I was going to the kitchen.

The bottom line is, it didn't work! I exhausted myself emotionally—often ending up feeling physically sick due to all the wrong emotions I had experienced all day.

God will not deliver you by your own hand, but by His. Only God can change people! Nobody but the Almighty could have discouraged Dave from wanting to watch as many sports as he did. As I learned to trust the Lord and to stop wallowing in self-pity when I did not get my way, Dave did come into more balance concerning watching every sporting event.

He still enjoys them, and now it really does not bother me. I just use the time to do things I enjoy. If I really do want or need to do something else, I ask Dave sweetly (not angrily) and most of the time he is willing to alter his plans. There are those times though—and there always will be—

when I don't get my way. As soon as I feel my emotions starting to rise, I pray, "Oh God, help me pass this test. I don't want to go around this mountain even one more time!"

Chapter 23

I don't deserve God's blessings because I am not worthy.

Wilderness Mentality #8

And the Lord said to Joshua, This day have I rolled away the reproach of Egypt from you. So the name of the place is called Gilgal [rolling] to this day.

JOSHUA 5:9
,

After Joshua had led the Israelites across the Jordan River into the Promised Land, there was something God needed to do before they would be ready to conquer and occupy their first town, which was to be Jericho.

The Lord ordered that all the Israelite males be circumcised, since this had not been done during the entire forty years they had wandered in the Wilderness. After this was done, the Lord told Joshua that He had "rolled away" the reproach of Egypt from His people.

A few verses later in Chapter 6, the account begins of how God led the Children of Israel to overcome and capture Jericho. Why did the reproach have to be lifted off of them first? What is a reproach?

RE PROACH DEFINED

The word
reproach
means "blame.. disgrace: shame."1 When God said that He would "roll away" the reproach of Egypt from the Israelites, He was making a point. Egypt represents the world. After a few years of being in the world and becoming worldly, we all need the reproach of it rolled away.

Because of the things I had done and what had been done to me, I had a shame-based nature. I blamed myself for what had happened to me (even though much of it had taken place in my childhood, and there was nothing I could have done to stop it).

We have said that grace is the power of God coming to us, as a free gift from Him, to help us do with ease what we cannot do ourselves. God wants to give us grace, and Satan wants to give us disgrace, which is another word for reproach.

Disgrace told me that I was no good—not worthy of God's love or help. Shame had poisoned my inner man. I was not only ashamed of what had been done to me, but I was ashamed of myself. Deep down inside, I did not like myself.

God's rolling away the reproach from us means that each of us must receive for ourselves the forgiveness He is offering for all our past sins.

You must realize that you can never deserve God's blessings—you can never be worthy of them. You can only humbly accept and appreciate them, and be in awe of how good He is and how much He loves you.

Self-hatred, self-rejection, refusal to accept God's forgiveness (by forgiving yourself), not understanding righteousness through the blood of Jesus and all related problems will definitely keep you wandering in the wilderness. Your mind must be renewed concerning right standing with God through Jesus—and not through your own works.

I am convinced, after many years in ministry, that about 85 percent of our problems stem from the way we feel about ourselves. Any person you know who is walking in victory is also walking in righteousness.

I know I don't deserve God's blessings, but I receive them anyway because I am a joint-heir with Christ. (Romans 8:17 KJV.) He earned them, and I get them by placing my faith in Him.

HEIR OR LABORER?

Therefore, you are no longer a slave (bond servant) but a son; and
if a son, then [it follows that you are] an heir by the aid of God,
through Christ. Galatians 4:7

Are you a son or a slave—an heir or a bond servant? An heir is one who receives something other than by merit, as when property is passed down from one person to another through a will. A bond servant or laborer, in the biblical sense, is one who is weary from trying to follow the Law. The term denotes burdensome toil and trouble.

I wandered around in the wilderness for years as a laborer, trying to be good enough to deserve what God wanted to give me freely by His grace. I had a wrong mindset.

First, I thought that everything must be earned and deserved: 

"Nobody does anything for you for nothing." I had been taught that principle for years. Over and over I had heard that statement while growing up. I was told that anyone who acted like he wanted to do something for me was lying and would take advantage of me in the end.

Experience with the world teaches us that we must deserve everything we get. If we want friends, we are told, we must keep them happy all the time or they will reject us. If we want a promotion on our job, everyone says, we must know the right people, treat them a certain way and maybe one day we will get a chance to go forward. By the time we are finished with the world, the reproach of it lies heavy upon us and definitely needs to be rolled away.

HOW DO YOU SEE YOURSELF?

There we saw the Nephilim [or giants], the sons of Anak, who
come from the giants; and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers,
and so we were in their sight. Numbers 13:33

The Israelites had that reproach on them. The fact that they had a negative opinion of themselves is seen in this verse. Ten of the twelve spies who were sent in to scout out the Promised Land before the entire nation crossed over the Jordan came back saying that the land was inhabited by giants who saw them as grasshoppers—and so they were in their own eyes.

This plainly lets us know what these people thought of themselves.

Please be aware that Satan will fill your mind (if he is allowed to) with all types of negative thinking about yourself. He began early building strongholds in your mind, many of them negative things about you and about how other people feel about you. He always arranges for a few situations in which you experience rejection, so he can bring the pain of it back to your remembrance during a time when you are trying to make some progress.

Fear of failure and rejection keep many people in the wilderness.

Being slaves in Egypt for so many years and living under severe mistreatment had left a reproach on the Israelites. It is interesting to note that almost none of the generation that originally came out with Moses entered the Promised Land. It was their children who went in. Yet God told them He had to roll away the reproach from them.

Most of them had been born in the wilderness after their parents had left Egypt. How could they have the reproach of Egypt upon them when they did not even live there?

Things that were on your parents can be passed on to you. Attitudes, thoughts and behavior patterns can be inherited. A wrong mindset that your parents had can become your mindset. The way you think about a certain subject can be passed down to you, and you won't even know why you think that way.

A parent who has a poor self-image, an attitude of unworthi-ness and an "I-don't-deserve-God's-blessings" mindset can definitely pass that mindset on to his children.

Even though I talked about this earlier in the book, because it is such an important area let me mention again that you need to be aware of what goes on in your mind in regard to yourself. God is willing to give you mercy for your failures if you are willing to receive it. He does not reward the perfect who have no flaws and never make mistakes, but those who put their faith and trust in Him.

YOUR FAITH IN GOD PLEASES HIM

But without faith it is impossible to please and be satisfactory to
Him. For whoever would come near to God must [necessarily] believe
that God exists and that He is the rewarder of those who earnestly and
diligently seek Him [out]. Hebrews 11:6

Please notice that without faith you cannot please God; therefore, no matter how many "good works" you offer, it will not please Him if they were done to "earn" His favor.

Whatever we do for God should be because we love Him, not because we are trying to get something from Him.

This powerful Scripture says that God is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. I rejoiced when I finally saw this! I know I have made many mistakes in the past, but I also know that I have diligently sought the Lord with all my heart. That means that I qualify for rewards.

I decided a long time ago that I would receive any blessing that God wanted to give me.

The Lord wanted to take the Israelites into the Promised Land and bless them beyond their wildest imaginations, but first He had to roll the reproach off of them. They could not have received from Him properly as long as they were burdened down with shame, blame and disgrace.

ABOVE REPROACH

Even as [in His love] He chose us [actually picked us out for
Himself as His own] in Christ before the foundation of the world, that
we should be holy (consecrated and set apart for Him) and blameless
in His sight, even above reproach, before Him in love. Ephesians 1:4

This is a wonderful Scripture! In it the Lord tells us that we are His and sets forth what He wants for us—that we should know that we are loved, special, valuable and that we should be holy, blameless and above reproach.

Naturally, we should do what we can to live holy lives. But thank God, when we do make mistakes, we can be forgiven and restored to holiness, made once again blameless and above reproach—all "in Him."

WITHOUT REPROACHING OR FAULFINDING

If any of you is deficient in wisdom, let him ask of the giving God

[Who gives] to everyone liberally and ungrudgingly, without
reproaching or faultfinding, and it will be given him. James 1:5

This is another great Scripture that teaches us to receive from God without reproach.

James had been previously speaking to people who were having trials, and now he is telling them that if they need wisdom in their situation, they should ask God. He assures them that He won't reproach or find fault with them—He will just help them.

You will never make it through the wilderness without a great deal of help from God. But, if you have a negative attitude about yourself, even when He does try to help you, you won't receive it.

If you desire to have a victorious, powerful, positive life, you cannot be negative about yourself. Don't look only at how far you have to go, but at how far you have come. Consider your progress and remember Philippians 1:6, .. I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ

[right up to the time of His return], developing [that good work] and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you.

Think and speak positively about yourself!

Chapter 24

Why shouldn't I be jealous and envious when everybody else is better off than I am?