BDB 13 The Shadows (64 page)

In a flash, the fantasy spun out like a gold thread, images of him cooking for her at Sal’s, introducing her with pride to his waiters, maybe bringing her to the compound for a meal.

He studiously ignored the whole run-from-the-s’Hisbe thing.

“iAm,” she whispered.

Shit. That tone of hers said it all.

And he wasn’t going to hear it. “You could have a real life out here. You’re so much better than just a maid for other people. You could really live.”

With me, he finished to himself.

Oh, God, he was so done-for with her. And whereas he might have chalked it up to his finally getting laid, it was so much more than that. In his soul, he somehow
knew
her.

Over on the side table, his phone went off with a text.

“Think about it,” he said. “I know it’s a lot—so don’t give me any kind of answer right now. Head home, and be safe—I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Getting to his feet, he escorted her out to the living area and over to the glass sliders. A moment later, she was gone as if she had never been—and for a moment, he wondered if he wasn’t imagining all this.

It just seemed surreal.

Was he really falling in love here?

Closing things up, he intended to go back to his room and make the bed—mostly so that if s’Ex showed up, there wouldn’t be a lot of awkward convo. Instead, he just stayed at the sliders, staring out into the night, his brain chewing on what-ifs and how-’bouts.

The sound of his phone ringing back in the bedroom got him refocused, and he strode to the thing, going down the hall and through the doorway, heading over to the bedside table, reaching out for the glowing screen.

Picking it up, he accepted the call. “Rhage? Everything okay—”

“Trez needs you. Right now.”

“Is it—”

“Yeah. She’s in the clinic.”

iAm closed his eyes. “Tell him I’m on the way.”

As he hung up, he fucked off the messy bed and ran for the glass doors. Once out in the cold air, he tried to dematerialize, but his pounding heart and scattered emotions got in the way of his focus.

It was only by picturing Trez having to deal with a tragedy alone that he was able to pull his shit together, and a moment later, he was on the front steps of the Brotherhood mansion. Bursting into the vestibule, it took for-flippin’-ever for a
doggen
to answer the door, and iAm barely said two words to the male as he broke into a run.

It was a case of full-tilt down to the training center, and when he finally leapt out of the supply closet and careened through the office—

iAm skidded to a halt in the corridor.

There must have been … forty people outside the exam room, some sitting on the hard floor, others walking around. V was smoking while Butch was tapping one foot like someone had plugged his ankle into a socket. Phury was pacing like crazy; Z was stock-still. Bella was rocking Nalla in her arms. Payne was shuffling cards incessantly. John Matthew was holding hands with Xhex. Qhuinn had his arm around Blay. Autumn was holding Tohr around his waist as if she were the only thing keeping him off the concrete floor. Rhage was alone, standing far from the others. Even Wrath was there with Beth and L.W. and George.

All of the Chosen were present. Every single one of them, including Amalya.

And Rehvenge was closest to the door into the clinical space.

iAm closed his eyes. He couldn’t believe they had all shown up.

When he started walking forward, people embraced him, reached for his hands, squeezed his shoulders. He did his best to thank them and respond, but his head was spinning. When he got to Rehv, he just shook his head.

“What happened?”

“She collapsed—or whatever you want to call it—about twenty minutes ago. They’re working her up. He’s been asking for you.”

Those amethyst eyes had a sheen of red in them.

iAm could have used a minute to collect himself, but he’d already missed how much? God only knew what was going on in there, and there was only one way to find out.

Pushing his way inside, he recoiled. Selena was on the table once again, but seeing her all contorted was a stab in the heart.

Trez was right by her head, his eyes staring into hers. His lips were moving as he talked to her softly against a backdrop of beeping medical equipment and wires and tubes and cuffs. The clothes she’d been wearing had been cut off, and a thin white blanket had been spread over her.

Nodding at Ehlena, Jane, and Manny, iAm went over and crouched down. Trez jumped and then looked around as if he’d forgotten there was anyone else in the room.

“You’re here,” the male said.

“Yeah, I am.”

Trez turned back to Selena. “Look who’s here, it’s iAm.”

That normally strong voice was reedy and choked, as if being funneled through a synthesizer.

“Hey, Selena,” iAm said.

As her eyes shifted over to his, he forced himself to smile against a tide of sorrow and fear. She was terrified. Utterly terrified.

Why wouldn’t she be.

Trez began to murmur again and iAm glanced over at Manny, cocking an eyebrow in inquiry. The healer slowly shook his head.

Shit.

T
rez waited for a miracle.

For the next six to eight hours, he waited and he prayed and he talked until he lost his voice. He even blanketed his beloved with his energy not once, but twice. And still she remained where she was, trapped inside her frozen body, her vitals slowly fading … her eyes beginning to shut from time to time.

Only to have them pop open and her gasp through her ever-paling lips.

Later, he would remember the moment when they reached the point of no return.

It was when the medical staff turned off the alarms that had at first been beeping with warning every now and again, but which had subsequently begun to go off constantly.

“Is it—” As his voice cracked, he cleared his throat. “Time for more X-rays?”

Jane came around to him and spoke quietly. “Trez, I think we’d like to speak with you.”

Manny nodded. “Maybe out in the hall.”

“No, I’m not going to leave her.” He smoothed his beloved’s hair back and was relieved when her eyes focused on his. “I’m not leaving you, my queen.”

iAm bent in and said into his ear, “You want them to talk to me?”

It was a while before Trez answered. He didn’t want to hear what they were going to say. Even though in his heart, he knew … he knew that things were not changing this time … he didn’t want the words out in the air.

But the cycle of gasping and fright that kept happening to her was wearing on him.

“Yes, please,” he said politely. “Thank you.”

The bunch of them, including Ehlena, went into the room next door.

And it dawned on him that he and Selena were alone with each other. Leaning into her, he stroked her hair and brushed her mouth with his.

Shit, her lips were so cold.

He wanted to close his eyes, but he was terrified he’d miss something. Instead, he let a couple of heartbeats go by.

I want to be free. The thing that scares me most is getting trapped in my body.

“Selena,” he said in a voice that was as thin as his skin. “Selena, can you focus on me? Can you hear me?”

She blinked twice, which was the code he’d established with her for “yes.”

“I need to know…” He swallowed hard. “I need to know if you want to go … do you want to go?”

In response, her eyes … her magnificent blue eyes … welled with tears, and he began to cry, too. With a sense of profound pain, he reached up with his free hand and brushed the wetness from her nose and her cheeks. He left his tears where they were.

“My queen, is it time for you to go? Tell me if it is.”

Her stare never left his.

She blinked once. And then … again.

Oh, God.

“Do I understand you correctly?” he said. “Do you want this … to end?”

They were both crying in earnest now. And she didn’t have to blink it out again, because he knew in his heart and soul what she wanted—and yet, he waited for the signal one more time. This was one of those moments when he had to get it right.

Or he would never be able to live with himself.

“Is it time?” he whispered.

She blinked once … and then again.

Now he shut his lids and found his body swaying as if a tremendous weight had been set upon his shoulders, and not balanced well.

When he opened his eyes, iAm and the physicians were back in the room. One look into his brother’s stark face and he knew that whatever had been said had not been marked by much if any optimism.

As iAm came over, the male was careful to acknowledge and smile at Selena—which Trez really appreciated. Then he leaned in and whispered, “There’s nothing they can do. The anti-inflammatories aren’t working, and the last set of X-rays exhibited a change that the first episode didn’t have. The joints—or what should be the joints—are showing bright white on the films, with the kind of intensity metal would have. That wasn’t the case before. Her vitals are not good and getting worse, even though they’ve given her things to help with her slow respiration and heart rate. Their sense is … this is the end.”

Trez nodded, and then took a moment to tend to Selena’s face. “She’s ready to go,” he choked out. “She told me so. Is there … something … we can…”

Manny stepped over. “We can help her along. If she’s sure.”

“She is.”

iAm leaned in close again and whispered something else.

Trez took a deep breath. “Selena, do you want to see your sisters? Phury? The Directrix? They’re all here. They’re right outside.”

In response, she closed her eyes. Once. And then kept them that way until he felt a fresh needle of panic go through him.

But she opened them again. She was still with him.

Now, her tears were coming faster and faster, and he wished he could concentrate enough to try to get in her mind, but he couldn’t. He was too wrung-out, too emotional, too filled with grief. And he understood what she wanted anyway.

“You don’t want them to see you this way.” Blink. “You love them, though, and you want them to know you’re going to miss them.” Blink. Blink. “You want me to say good-bye for you.”

Blink. Blink.

“Okay, my queen.”

Then there was this weird pause.

Later, when he obsessively reviewed every single thing that happened, every hour that passed during the crisis, every nuance of the room and the people, every twitch of her face and each word he spoke to her, he would dwell on that moment. It was, he would suppose, rather like staring down the muzzle of a gun just before you got shot.

“I love you,” he said. “I love you forever.”

Tenderly, he stroked her face and prayed she could feel his touch. He didn’t know whether she could or not; there was an alarming gray cast seeping into her skin.

Switching hands, so that his right one was grabbing hers, he patted around thin air, searching for—

iAm, as always, was right there, grabbing onto his palm with strength, steadying him.

He was not going to make it through this unless his brother was holding him up off the floor.

“Okay,” Trez said to whoever was listening, “we’re ready.”

Manny went over to the IV line, a syringe filled with fluid in his hand. “The first shot is a sedative.”

Trez sat forward on the chair he had been given. Putting his mouth right next to her ear, he said, “I’ll love you forever…”

He repeated the words until he wasn’t sure how many times he’d said them. He just wanted them to be the last thing she heard.

“This is the final shot,” someone said. Maybe it was Manny, maybe not.

Trez started saying his words faster. And faster.

“I love youforeverIloveyouforever…”

Moments later, he stopped.

He wasn’t sure how he knew it exactly.

But she was gone.

Sitting back, he looked into her still-open eyes. They were as beautiful as they had always been … there was no life in them, however.

That mystical spark that had animated her had gone out.

And her soul, no longer possessing a viable home, had left with it.

The silence and stillness of death was a void in and of itself, a black hole that sucked everyone and everything around it in; and so powerful was the pull, the lives of others were halted, too, momentarily crippled by the tremendous, contagious force.

Trez put his face down on the exam table and released the two hands that had sustained him, hers and his brother’s. Then he wrapped his arms around his love, and he wept over her with such grief that glass exploded all around the room, the doors of the steel cabinets splintering and falling free of their frames, even the screen on the computer and the segments of the medical chandelier above cracking into shards.

He had been preparing himself for this terrible moment ever since he had found her outside of the Sanctuary’s cemetery, subconsciously bracing himself, trying on the grief as one would test how hot a stove burner was or how toxic a smell.

The reality was indescribably worse than he had predicted even in his most pessimistic moments.

In reality, he was just another piece of glass in the room.

Utterly shattered, beyond repair.

W
ell, now he knew what it was like to see someone you love get mowed down by a car, iAm thought as he watched his brother sob.

Trez’s emotions had put the clinic into a deep freeze, the air so cold, breath came out of everyone’s mouths in puffs and stripped whatever clothing they had on to metaphorical shreds. Glancing up, iAm noted that the three medical professionals were likewise
in extremis
, Manny rubbing his eyes with his thumbs, Ehlena taking a tissue out of the shirt pocket of her scrubs, Jane wiping her face with her palms.

iAm sat up on his knees and massaged his brother’s back. He wasn’t sure whether the contact was annoying or helping—more likely, it was a neither-here-nor-there that wasn’t even noticed.

Eventually, Trez took a shuddering breath and eased back.

There was a table stand within iAm’s reach, and on it, there was a stack of folded white and blue towels. Snagging one, he put it up toward his brother.