Be Careful What You Wish For (7 page)

Chapter Ten

I MANAGED TO get a ride home.  The bartender Josh and I had been so-so friends, having worked together for several months, and I told him my ride had fallen through.  We had a few folks hanging around till closing, and one guy offered me a ride, and that’s when Josh said he had my back.  On the way to my apartment, I thanked him for saving me and asked if he wanted some gas money.  He didn’t, but he did ask about my ride that had let me down.  It hadn’t been till that point that I realized Josh and his long-time lady friend had maybe broken up and he was looking for some comfort.  I let him know that my ride was the guy I’d seen the night before but he’d had something come up.  I wanted to discourage Josh.  He was a nice enough guy but no way was it gonna happen.  My head and heart were full of someone else.

I felt really stupid later, though, because I was lying in bed and I couldn’t stop thinking about the night before, the night my life completely changed, and I texted to him
Good night
.  Stupid move, because I didn’t know for certain where
his
head was.  I could hope, but I wouldn’t know until I saw him again.

If
I saw him again.

So I slept until noon because I also had to work closing shift that night, and I got in the shower, refusing to look at my phone.
  I wasn’t ready.  I made my way into the kitchen, my body wrapped in my blue robe, my hair wrapped in a towel on my head.  Bless Steph.  She sometimes worked an opening shift at the mall on Saturday and Sunday mornings and, when she did, she always left the coffee on so I could have some when I got out of bed.  Lindsey, without fail, spent Friday and Saturday nights with her boyfriend, so I wouldn’t see her until Sunday afternoon sometime.  I often wondered how the girl kept the grades she did, but she studied hard during the week.  I guessed weekends were her time off, and as long as she could keep her focus Monday through Friday, she had it.

Not me.  In fact, I did better in school when I was single.  I let men consume me, my thoughts,
my heart, my everything…at first.  It was always like that at first.  After some time, though, the flame would wane and I could divide my attention again.

I supposed it
would be that way with Kage, too.  Right now, I was in the initial phase of what might be a relationship, the all-consuming part that would bury and drown me, absorb me to the exclusion of all else.  Oh, don’t get me wrong.  I’d still give school my all, but part of my brain would be off doing its own thing, unable to give much attention to composition theory and research in rhetoric.

I realized, stirring cream into my
coffee, that I was putting off checking my phone.  I knew I was worried that either there would be nothing from Kage (in which case I had the added burden of deciding if it would seem desperate if I took the initiative and texted him again) or there would be something I wouldn’t want to read.  But I had to grow a pair and get it over with.

I he
aded to my room, feeling chilly.  It wasn’t just my nerves, though.  My room tended to be cooler than the rest of the apartment.  I’d complained about it a couple of times but had finally given up.  You’d think being colder in the winter would translate to a cooler room in the summer (bonus!), but no such luck.  That room retained heat just like the rest of the apartment, and it was only thanks to the A/C that we felt any relief.  Fortunately, my room was tolerable in the summer.  In the winter, though, I used an extra blanket when I went to bed.  Now, with wet hair, it felt even colder.

I got my phone and went back in the kitchen, though, so I could be warm when I read my texts.  I saw, swiping the screen, that I
did
have a message from Kage.  I’d forgotten that Fay had told me the day before when I’d added his info to my phone that his name was spelled with a
K
instead of a
C
, and that made it all the more hot.  I don’t know why I found his name sexy, but it was.

I sat at the table so I could read
his message.  I’d only entered his contact info as
Kage
along with his cell number.  And so I pulled up his text, and it was short and sweet, left over an hour earlier. 
You around?

Hmm.
  Simple.  I hoped it was because he wanted to see me.  I was feeling insecure, so I kept mine basic as well. 
Yes.
  The longer the time went that I didn’t see him (after all, we’d only been together one time ever), the less sure I felt about everything.  I held my cards close to my chest, because I wanted to see his move first.

I sipped at my coffee, staring obsessively at the phone’s black screen, waiting for it to light up with his text back.  It didn’t.  I looked up, across to the window staring out at the light blue sky.  I should have enjoyed that
pale sky because the forecast predicted gray—snowstorms and bitter cold over the next few days.  But it was already feeling gray in my heart.

I finished the cup of coffee and poured another, deciding to get ready for the day.  I had several chapters in one textbook to be absorbed by Monday and I had to finish another book by Tuesday in time for those classes…and I didn’t want to wait until the last minute. 
Time to throw the idea of one true love in the trash and get back to my normal life.  Honestly, I didn’t have time for a relationship right now anyway.  I had a job that kept me busy on top of grad school, and my classes were intense.  I didn’t have time for a man in my life, even if he had felt like the only right guy for me I’d ever met.

That’s where my thinking was flawed.  He’d moved something inside
me, and it was hard to ignore.  In spite of my insecurities bubbling to the surface, there was something inside that made him feel like the only person who could see who I really was at the core, as though he’d known me not just throughout my whole life but before that and beyond.

I went to my cool bedroom and set my coffee cup and phone on the dresser, but I turned the phone over so it faced the dresser top.  I didn’t want that black screen mocking me anymore.  I walked to the bathroom and hung up my towel, then combed out my hair.  Once done, I went back to my room and sat at my makeup table, turning on the blow dryer.  Having the warm air dry out the damp strands of my hair made the room
seem more tolerable but my mind was still on Kage.

Once I was done with my hair, I booted up my laptop.  I needed music.  I scrolled through the list of artists I had in my music collection and even that made me think of
Kage.  I wanted to see him play with his band, although that was beginning to look unlikely.

Okay…tapping into my mood?  That told me what music I needed to listen to.  I needed something loud and raw, something I could lose my anger and frustration in.  I’d had a sweet love song playing in the back of my mind for over a day now, and it needed to go.  I needed to find myself, my old self, and
be
her, and music could get me there.  I settled on a Motionless in White CD and let it play.  Since I was the only person home, I could play the music a little louder too.

But when I finished my makeup and got up to get dressed, I couldn’t help myself anymore, and I flipped my phone over and pressed the button. 
Oh.
  There it was.  A text from Kage.  It was short enough that I could read all of it without unlocking my phone…and it gave me hope.

I want to see you tonight.

I couldn’t help the smile on my face, the rush of chemicals raging through my body that instantly lifted my mood.  I couldn’t stop the way my heartbeat picked up its pace a bit in anticipation of seeing and feeling this man again.  I pulled in a deep breath and unlocked the phone to reply.  God, yes, I wanted to see him tonight too.  The problem was another long night.  I worked till closing again.

Then the paranoia set it.  How did I even know it was
Kage texting me?  What if he’d gotten back together with his crazy wife and she was fucking with me via text messaging?

No matter.  I’d find out soon enough.  I had to quit swimming around in the deep doubts of my mind.  It was like a cesspool up there, one I’d never seen before, and now that I’d found a ray of sunshine in my life, my brain was determined to ruin it.  I took a breath and started tapping on the screen, my thumbs hitting the letters almost as quickly as my mind thought the words. 
I’d love that.  I work tonight till closing.  Do you want to come by there?

Like he was supposed to the night before?

Stop it, Jessica.
  My mind was poison, evil poison, and the circumstances were iffy and rough enough.  I didn’t need my mind sabotaging it too.

This time I didn’t have to wait for his reply.  It popped up before I could set my phone down. 
What time?

I started tapping before I’d even fully formed my thought. 
We close at 2, and I have a little cleanup to do, but you can come by before if you want.

I placed the phone on the dresser again and started shuffling through my clothes in the drawers below.  For the afternoon, I’d wear jeans and a t-shirt, but later I’d have to decide what to wear to work. 
Kage was going to have to see me looking slutty again, and I didn’t know if that was a good idea, because he would come to expect it, but the job practically demanded it.  If I showed skin on the weekend, my tips doubled what they’d ordinarily be.  I’m sure flirting had a little to do with it too, but I’d have to show some skin.  Yes, that meant my walk to the bus stop wouldn’t be fun either, but I had bills to pay.

I’d just pulled the shirt over my head when I saw his reply flash across the phone screen. 
I’ll come by before and have a beer while I wait.

See you then.
  And then I wondered if he remembered where I said I worked.  We’d talked about it the morning before, but we’d both been emotionally charged and we’d discussed so much.  I could see it being one of those things that would be easy to forget.

There was that gnawing doubt again.  I had to let it go.  I had to tap into the feelings I’d had not long ago, what I’d experienced when in his arms. 
That connectedness, that feeling of past, present, and forever.  That feeling that I could never let him go.  I needed to remember.

I closed my eyes and tried.

Chapter Eleven

THE NIGHT SEEMED
to drag on, because I was counting the seconds until I would see Kage again.  We were busy that night too, and I could barely keep up.  The actual bar area was full and so I had to wait off and on for Josh to get my drinks so I could deliver them to the outlying tables.

It was a rowdier night too, worse than usual, and I wondered if the full moon had anything to do with it.  At one point, a guy wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me onto his lap.
  I had to wriggle myself out of his grip and, once I did, he smacked me on the ass.  I turned and glared before hustling myself back to the bar, but I didn’t have time for shenanigans tonight.  It was a little after midnight then and it should have slowed down some but no such luck.  I wasn’t complaining—that meant the cash would continue to flow and I’d earn more tips than usual.  I might be a little more tired afterward, though, but I was sure Kage could bring me back to life.

I’d wanted to keep an eye on the door so I could see when he came in, but I hadn’t had much of an opportunity to do so.  I could only hope he’d spot me and say
hi
when he did.

But the time ticked closer and closer to closing and there was still no sign of
Kage.  I’d wanted to start thinking of him as my man, but the farther we got from our night together, the less confident I felt about it.  I was starting to feel colder.  And I’d been dumped by enough guys in the past that I knew I’d have to start trusting my instinct.  If Kage didn’t show up tonight, I’d know he wasn’t worth my time, no matter what my heart was trying to tell me.

As it got closer to two o’clock, Josh announced last call.  The place was still fuller than usual,
and most folks asked for a last round before heading out into the bitter cold.  A few people took it as their cue to leave and, as the seconds inched their way toward the top of the hour, couples and groups trickled out of the bar.  At two, there were only three people left at the bar, nursing their drinks.

That was when I noticed him. 
Kage was sitting at the end of the bar with a mug of beer in his hand.  I felt my fingers tingle and I was afraid to let myself believe it was truly him.  I walked over, glad the music was still playing so I wouldn’t be overheard by anyone else, and sat in the stool next to him.  He smiled then and I propped my chin on my fist, supporting my elbow on the bar.  “How long have you been here?”

“A while.”

“Why didn’t you say something?”

“You looked busy.”

“Well, yeah, but I’ve been looking for you.”

He grinned.  “I noticed that.”

“Noticed what?”

“You kept looking at the entrance.”

I smiled then.  “You caught me.”

“How long before you’re done?”

Oh…there was that feeling again, like he had known me a long time, like we really did belong together.  Everything felt right again, and I was mentally chiding myself for having fretted and doubted for the past day.  Now I knew it was okay.  “Not long.  Do you mind waiting?”

“Not at all.”

Josh was cashing out the receipts, and I told him Kage was with me, so he’d be around till I left.  In the meanwhile, I showed the other two customers out and locked the door.  Then I cranked the music like Josh and I always did when we closed, this time playing some Underground Fight Club.  I started putting chairs upside down on tables so we could sweep and mop and Kage walked over to ask if he could help.  “Sure,” I said, and he grabbed me around the waist and pulled me close.

“Anything to get you out of here sooner.”

But he only kissed me on the forehead.  What a letdown, because I’d already felt my entire body tense up against his.  I needed to feel him up against me again, feel him inside me.  But the wait would be worth it.

Kage
started putting chairs on tables while I grabbed the broom.  I started sweeping and saw that there wasn’t much to sweep up.  There never was.  Mopping was the important job from all the booze spilled throughout the evening.  In fact, a lot of times, the dried but sticky liquids made sweeping a bigger pain.  But I swept and Josh had the mop behind me shortly after.  Once I was done sweeping, I went to the ladies bathroom and cleaned.  It was never as bad as the men’s, but I always did it first.  By the time I was done with the men’s bathroom, I knew Josh would be done with mopping and would be washing the rest of the glasses and finishing cleanup behind the bar.

Yep.  Like clockwork. 
Kage was standing by the jukebox, looking at the music on it.  Josh and I had had some say in the music that had been loaded on it, because we had two stipulations—one, we didn’t want to hear country.  There were country bars in town that people could go to, but we didn’t want to work at them.  The second thing we insisted upon was no pop.  No offense to Mariah Carey, but I didn’t want to hear her when I was working my ass off.  I wanted something I found motivating and energizing.  Josh and I agreed on what music that was, and while we didn’t get everything we’d asked for, we’d managed to score.  And our customers didn’t care.  They liked the bar’s atmosphere—mostly a younger crowd and lots of fun.  There was a karaoke night (I’d only worked that night once or twice) and we sometimes had pool tournaments, so people liked to frequent our place.  For a while, the owner had us serving a little food too, messy shit like chili cheese fries, but the money coming in wasn’t enough to pay for the cook, let alone the mess and the upkeep of the kitchen.  The owner still had plans for the future, but he was letting them idle again.  I had no doubt that in a few months he’d try serving food again, but he needed to find the right angle.

T
he music, though…that made this bar a place I enjoyed working.  Sure, there was a little pop.  The other waitress who worked the nights I didn’t had a few requests—she was a hardcore Lady Gaga fan and insisted we load up a lot of her hits.  There were other artists she’d requested as well, but I rarely heard them.  Our crowd was used to the other music on the box.

I got behind
Kage and wrapped my arms around his abdomen, resting my cheek against his back.  I breathed him in, feeling full and happy again.  He turned around, still in my arms.  He kissed my forehead like he had earlier and asked, “So what now?”  He wrapped his arms around my upper body, one of his hands splayed on my back.

I grinned and shrugged.  “I really don’t want to be
here
any longer.”  I tilted my head.  “We could go to my place.”  At some point, I’d need to ask him where he lived…or where he was living now.  I was pretty certain he was no longer living where he had been when I’d first met him.

“Sounds like a plan.”

I smiled again and said, “Josh, I’m out of here, unless you need something else.”

“Nope, got it.”

“Thanks.  See you later.”  I told Kage I had to get my coat and purse out of the back, and he said he’d warm up his truck for me.  By the time I got outside, a light snow was falling, making the sky look bright.  Kage jumped out of his truck and wrapped his arm around my back, escorting me to his truck.  He opened the passenger side door for me and lifted me up onto the seat.  I had to admit I liked how he tended to treat me like a lady.  I’d never been treated that way before, and if you’d asked me before that, I would have told you I didn’t want it…but I was starting to appreciate it.  It was then, when I was seated, that he lifted his face and placed his hand on my neck, urging my lips down to his for one of the hottest kisses I had ever experienced.  Oh, God, could I make it till we got back to my apartment?

When he pulled away from me, his eyes were aflame.
  It wasn’t just me.  It made me want him right there, cold be damned.  But he grinned then and waited for me to turn to sit facing forward in the seat, and then he closed the door and walked over to his side.  I buckled in, primed for what was to come.  The radio was playing a Bring Me the Horizon song, and I reached over to turn it up a little more as he backed his truck out of the parking space.

One thing I liked about this time of night was there wasn’t much traffic.  There were cars here and there but nothing like daytime.  These folks were creatures of the night.  They either had night jobs or liked to play during the dark hours, and I was one of them.  I had my school business during the day, but my life began at dark.  When
Kage pulled onto the freeway, I asked, “You remember how to get to my apartment, right?”

He glanced over at me, grinning.  “How could I forget?”

That made me feel good.  I’d been feeling so insecure and unsure earlier, so that was nice to hear.  He reached over and turned the radio back down when the song ended.  We weren’t far from my apartment then.  He asked, “Do all your customers get grabby with you?”

I wasn’t sure what he meant.  “What…like you?”  I laughed.

“No, like that big red-headed guy who pulled you onto his lap.”

How long had
Kage been at the bar?  He’d seen that?  “Sometimes…when they’ve had too much to drink.”

He didn’t say anything then, but I wondered if that had made him jealous.  I wasn’t going to say a word, because I’d been imagining him back in his wife’s bed and feeling something akin to that.  It was kind of a cool
idea that he was feeling that for me, though, because I didn’t think any guy had felt possessive of me like that, so much that he was jealous of other men.  It made me feel loved and wanted, perhaps more than I ever had been before.

He pulled into the parking lot at my apartment.  It was always quiet
at this time of night but well lit.  Tonight, as Kage lowered me out of his truck and pulled me close, I felt like the street lights were spotlights.  Most of me didn’t care, because this man had captured my heart, and it didn’t matter to me who knew.  But it also felt like what we had was private and just for us, and I didn’t want to disrespect that.

But I couldn’t help myself.  As he pulled me close, my fingers entwined themselves through his soft hair, forcing his lips down to meet mine.  I wanted him and I wouldn’t rest until he was inside me
again.

Just having his mouth
devour mine made my nipples harden, aching for his touch.  I probably seemed desperate, the way I was consuming his lips, but I had to have him.  It felt like it had been far too long.  I moved my hands down and wrapped my fists around the opening of his leather jacket, holding him close, and I could feel a few snowflakes land on my eyelashes and cheeks.  He was taking the brunt of the snow, but I wouldn’t have felt cold anyway.

Still, he said, “Let’s get you inside where it’s warm.”

I smiled and grabbed his hand, pulling him away from his truck.  He was barely able to close the door, because I was in a hurry to get him inside so I could rip his clothes off.  As we approached the door of my ground floor apartment, I said, “We have to be quiet, because one of my roommates will be home and she is more than likely asleep.”

I heard a throaty chuckle come from behind my right ear as his arm slipped around my waist.  I was trying to guide the key in the lock but I was finding him to be damned distracting.  His voice was low in my ear when he said, “I can be quiet, but I can’t promise not to make you scream.”

I couldn’t stop my eyes from closing as I sucked in a breath, warm air from his mouth tantalizing against my neck.  My nipples tightened again, begging for his touch, whether it would be rough or gentle.  I swallowed, trying to concentrate, as the key found the hole and I slid it in…but all that did was make me hungry for him, a poor metaphor for what I wanted him to do to me.

We made it in the apartment.  I could see the tiny lights of the DVD player and cable box and a little light spilling in through the sheer living room curtains, and, as we headed toward my bedroom, I
saw that there was no light coming from under Steph’s bedroom door either.  Either she was out or she was asleep.  I knew Lindsey was gone as well.  For all I knew, we had the place to ourselves.

The tiny nightlight we kept in the bathroom was on, and it helped guide me to my bedroom.  I opened the door and felt for the light switch, flipping it on.
  And then I began attacking him.  I couldn’t resist him anymore, and my kisses were frantic, desperate.  I felt him wind his fingers through my hair and then he made a fist at the back of my head.  The hairs that were coiled in his hand tightened and weren’t quite painful but would be if I struggled and pulled.  He said, “We have all night.  No need to rush.”  His emerald eyes drank me in and he leaned over to kiss me, his fist still tangled in my hair.  He sucked on my bottom lip and then released it as the breath flowed out of my body like a lazy river.  His lips moved to my chin and traced my jawline before moving down my neck, leaving a path of fire in their wake.

My breathing, though—it was ragged as my body begged him to put me out of
my misery.  As his mouth tasted the flesh at my neck, his free hand worked on the buttons on my blouse, already gaping at the cleavage.  His fingers worked masterfully on the buttons in spite of using his non-dominant hand, but I supposed playing bass helped with that.  He was used to using his hands in conjunction to accomplish some greater task.  His lips found my breasts, covered by a bra that was barely there, and my fingers tightened around his jacket.