Be My Baby (32 page)

‘And it would give you an opportunity to prepare Mollie, tell her about me instead of me just invading her new life with her father without any warning.’

He drank some of his coffee and considered Jennie’s suggestion, turning it over in his
mind, looking at the shape of it from every angle. The last thing he wanted was to spend more time away from Jennie, for her to leave this evening. His bed felt empty enough as it was. Tonight it would feel like a football pitch if she wasn’t beside him in it. But he had to admit she was making sense.

‘Come back with me now,’ he countered. ‘Stay for lunch. Stay for the afternoon, and then I’ll drive you back to London myself. You can start to get to know Mollie.’

Armed with four suitcases, three garment bags and half a ton of advice from her stepmother buzzing around inside her head, Jennie left her flat two days later. She’d been desperate to see Alex again—counting the minutes—but now he was here, collecting the first of the cases and hauling them down to his car, and everything felt…rehearsed, as if she were practising for the real thing and this was only marking time. They were doing all the right things, saying all the right things, but it was as if, during the night, someone had reached inside her and switched her emotions off. But that didn’t stop the doubts pecking away at her consciousness.

Had he changed his mind? Was he having second thoughts? She wasn’t equipped to deal
with the role she was about to take on and she knew it. Perhaps Alex did, too.

Once inside Alex’s car, she settled into the seat and closed her eyes, letting him navigate the busy London streets without interruption or interference.

Where was all the heat and passion and momentum from the early days of their marriage? They stumbled upon it sometimes, knocking themselves flat with the force of it, but at other times, like today, it was as if they were mechanically going through the motions.

Was this what marriage was supposed to be like? She’d always thought it would be cosy and comfortable—dull, even. She hadn’t expected this confusing switching from hot to cold, and she had no control over when it happened.

It wasn’t until the traffic noise dulled and the roads became longer and straighter that Alex spoke. ‘I’m named as the father on Mollie’s birth certificate,’ he said without taking his eyes off the road.

She glanced at him. ‘That was quick!’

‘I got a phone call on the way up to you,’ he said, ‘but I’m not sure it’s changed anything.’

‘It has to be a relief, even just a little bit,’ she said.

He did a sideways nod that managed to contradict itself.

‘You think Becky might have lied?’

Another nod. ‘I’ve decided to have the DNA test done anyway. We’ll get the results in a couple of weeks, hopefully.’ He breathed out. ‘Neither of us needs to have a question mark hanging over our heads.’

Jennie was just about to say she’d be happy to wait if he was, but then she realised the ‘us’ he was talking about was him and his daughter. She wasn’t included.

They’d talked quite a few times over the last couple of days about Mollie, and these phone conversations had also been something new. Now, they both frowned as they spoke, their heads full of strategies and backup plans, the total focus on Mollie. No more whispered promises that made her insides heat. No more excited plotting about the next bit of snatched time together. Perhaps, now she’d be installed in his house and they could see each other whenever they wanted, it wouldn’t be exciting like that any more, and she wasn’t sure she liked that. Knowing Alex had charged out of his office early to meet her, or had stayed up all night clearing his desk so he could meet her for lunch had made her feel special. She didn’t want their private time together to be
reduced to something routine and functional. Where was the fun in that?

She closed her eyes again and, Alex being Alex, he didn’t press her for a response to his statement. Never had she been more grateful for his dislike of extraneous words.

Her muscles were bunched tight and she sighed and tried to relax them. There was another thing preying on her mind. And the more she tried
not
to think about it, the bigger and scarier it grew.

She was very aware of the fact that she and Alex hadn’t…that there hadn’t been a chance to be alone and.

This was ridiculous! She was even avoiding thinking the word! This wasn’t like her at all.

Sex.

There. She’d allowed it to the front of her consciousness, said it mentally aloud. They hadn’t had sex since they’d decided to patch their tattered marriage back together, and she was suddenly very nervous about the whole thing and she didn’t know why. It was just sex. No big deal. Only.

What if that was all new and different, too?

Oh, it would be fine if they were all hot and steamy and in the moment, as they had been on their honeymoon. More than fine,
actually. But, in the last few days, she’d become painfully aware that ‘moments’ were fleeting things, and she and Alex didn’t always find themselves slap-bang in the middle of one any more.

But she didn’t have too long to work herself into knots about the matter because the car slowed and she opened her lids to find they were crawling down Alex’s drive. Well,
her
drive now.

Her stomach hollowed out. This was it. Her first day as a mother. Lord help that poor child.

Poor child, my foot.

‘Hang on a second, Lucy. I just need to…’

Jennie pressed her mobile phone to her chest, marched across the room and rescued the TV remote from the floor. She punched the volume button repeatedly. Who could think with cartoons blaring at an ear-splitting level?

‘Mollie?’ Jennie said sweetly. ‘Leave the volume alone, okay?’

Was the child deaf? She certainly didn’t react to Jennie’s plea, just kept staring at the jumble of noise and colour on the screen, and as soon as Jennie walked back to her laptop, balanced on the arm of the sofa, Mollie sidled up to the set and left her finger on the button.

Jennie peeled the phone from her chest and put it to her ear. ‘Listen, Lucy, I can’t talk now. Just go ahead and book The Savoy. I’ll sweet-talk the client into thinking it’s the best decision he ever made.’

She slid her phone closed and looked at Mollie, engrossed in the colourful antics on the television. Did the girl have hearing problems? Jennie sat on the arm of the sofa and folded her arms across her chest.

‘Cookies,’ she whispered.

Mollie glanced in her direction, looking hopeful.

Yup. Just as she’d thought. Hearing fine; disposition awkward.

Jennie slid down the arm of the sofa into the seat and reached over to shut her laptop. Working from home had seemed such a simple solution to their current dilemma. Alex was due in court this week and while they were in the process of hiring a nanny to help with the childcare, Jennie had volunteered to stay at home and look after Mollie. It was only day two and she was ready to run screaming from the house.

How did parents cope with this full-time? How did they not go insane? Back at her flat last week, when she hadn’t been packing up her single girl life, she’d spent huge chunks of
time reading a highly recommended parenting book. Crash course, if you like. But she didn’t feel in the least equipped to deal with a three-year-old who thought she was the boss.

How did mothers learn to deal with this kind of thing? Perhaps there was a secret technique they divulged in hallowed whispers at childbirth classes. Minor problem: Jennie hadn’t done any childbirth classes because she’d come to motherhood the same way she came to everything else—feet first and out of order—and it wasn’t making it even the tiniest bit easier.

She thought of some of her cousins who’d brought their little darlings to Alice and Cameron’s wedding, about how the children had run riot and the parents had large dark circles under their eyes and a perpetually harried look, and she started to get even more scared. Perhaps it never got better. Maybe this what her life was going to be like from now on. For ever. She shivered.

Distraction.

That was something she remembered from the book. Okay, Mollie wasn’t having a tantrum, but maybe if she suggested doing something different, something exciting, her stepdaughter might allow her to use the off button on the TV set.

Jennie went and stood in front of the television and earned herself a scowl from Mollie. ‘How about we go out?’ she said brightly.

The intense look of concentration on Mollie’s face as she pondered Jennie’s suggestion was actually quite cute. She scrunched up her forehead and looked at the carpet. Eventually she looked up and said, ‘Can we go and see Mummy? Is she still sleeping?’

This wasn’t the first time she’d heard a question like this in the last forty-eight hours. Evidently some bright spark in Alex’s family had decided to explain death to Mollie as a really long sleep. Jennie hadn’t wanted to upset the little girl by being blunt, so she’d just fudged it when she’d had to answer this question. And she had no idea what else people had said to Mollie about her mother’s death. The poor kid was confused enough as it was; Jennie didn’t want to add to that.

‘I thought we might go to the park. Does that sound like a fun thing to do?’

Mollie nodded, but her shoulders slumped forward. Jennie reasoned she’d feel better once she was on a swing or something. There was something about swings that always left you smiling and breathless.

Fifteen minutes later, they were both bundled up in hats, scarves and gloves and were
at the park just down the road from Alex’s house. Jennie stamped her feet and clapped her hands together as she watched Mollie wear the slide to a shine.

They were the only ones in the park. But damp January afternoons weren’t always a favourite time to come and play. It hadn’t actually rained yet today, but the clouds hung low in the sky and Jennie could feel their moisture on her cheeks. It wouldn’t be long.

Mollie seemed happy enough now. Jennie’s ‘distraction’ seemed to have worked. Mollie moved on to the roundabout and sat talking to herself on the edge while she pushed at the ground with both feet to spin herself round slowly.

‘Do you want me to make it go faster?’ Jennie called over.

Mollie glanced up and shook her head, so Jennie decided to keep an eye on her from the swings. She sat down on the nearest one and used the toe of her boot to give her a bit of movement.

The swing had been the place where Jennie had done all her hard thinking when she’d been a child. There was something about the way the air blew past you, backwards and forwards, about the way you seemed to fly above
the ground, that made it easy to get things straight in your head.

Mollie was still chattering away, but she had taken her hat off. Jennie thought about asking her to put it back on, but decided the kid deserved a break. She put both feet on the floor and pushed a little harder, used her legs to work up more of a decent swing.

What was she going to do about Alex? They’d shared a bed for the last two nights and she’d been waiting for him to give her a signal that he’d prefer it if they did more than just snore in it, but he hadn’t. They’d kissed—quite a few times—and everything had seemed great, but he always pulled back before it developed into something more. Why was that? Couldn’t he bring himself to…? Had she hurt him that much when she’d run away from him?

The rhythm of the swing was soothing. The wind pushed her hair round her face then sucked it away again, over and over, and as the ground moved past more quickly, the swing began to do its magic.

She knew Alex wasn’t punishing her—he wasn’t that vindictive, and it went against his noble nature, but she couldn’t fathom why.

His noble nature. That was it!

Alex wasn’t avoiding her. He was waiting
for her. She breathed a sigh of relief. How could she not have seen it before? He was being patient with her, waiting for her to show him she was ready. She wished that he’d have talked to her about it, but she was starting to understand that just wasn’t his style.

Maybe tonight…after they’d put Mollie to bed.

She looked out at the horizon and smiled. The sky had turned a lovely shade of blueishpurple, which meant sunset wasn’t far away. She jumped lightly off the swing onto the bouncy surface beneath and stood up straight. It was time to get home.

She put her hands on her hips and looked over to the roundabout. All she could see was a turquoise woolly hat, circuiting slowly. She scanned the rest of the playground, regretting the fact she’d left it so long before she’d decided to return home. The shadows of the bushes and trees, which hadn’t seemed particularly dark a few minutes earlier, were now blending and blurring, making it difficult to make out Mollie’s navy coat.

She took a few steps forward, studied the slide, the climbing frame. And then it hit her.

Mollie was gone.

A
SHAKY
panic gripped Jennie, causing her stomach to spasm. She spun around, eyes darting this way and that, desperate to be wrong, but the park was empty.

She had no idea what to do. Absolutely no idea.

Blindly, she reached into her pocket for her mobile phone and was just about to press the button to dial Alex’s number when she paused. This was the last thing Alex wanted to hear—that the daughter he’d only just found was lost.
And that
you
lost her
, a little voice whispered harshly in her ear.
It’s your fault. He’ll never forgive you for it
.