Bearing Hearts (City Shifters: the Den Book 2) (8 page)

A
xel paced
for an hour before he became too anxious to tolerate being inside, and instead went to the backyard and threw logs around. After more time passed and Lucy still had not returned with Kaiser, the anxiety grew into fury. She was out there in the city, meeting with Smith, and he didn't know where she was, if she was cold or hungry. Just as Axel debated whether he could rip the building apart with his bare hands, Malcolm stuck his head out the door and held out a pair of hand wraps. "Josie said you need to come in and box before there's no where left for the kids to play."

Axel snarled but complied, wrapping his hands quickly as he followed the other bear into the gym and over to the boxing ring. Sasha leaned on the ropes and watched as Mal ducked through and started stretching. Axel shed his shirt and rotated his head and arms. He wanted to break something, to hurt something, and Mal would have to do since Axel couldn't hurt the person he really wanted to.

Part of him wanted to deck his brother, to vent his fury at Ragnar for his death, for preventing Axel from making things right. Ragnar should not have died. There were too many things unsaid between them, too many jokes not shared. Too many moments they would never have together. The grief constricted his chest as he swung at Malcolm, and he struggled to breathe as the other man pummeled him toward the corner. For all the smooth Southern accent and “aw shucks” attitude, Mal grew up in a shack on the side of a mountain and was tough as coffin nails. He could box well above his class, and Axel was hard-pressed to fight him even with his full attention on the bout.

Mal's fist connected with his jaw and spun Axel around, but he pushed himself back and raised his guard again. The pain helped. The ringing in his ears made everything else clearer. He would never be able to show Ragnar how much he regretted everything between them. The bear howled in hurt and grief, and Mal must have heard it, because he stepped back for a moment, eyes narrowed. Axel took the opportunity to swing at him, landing a few quick uppercuts before Mal recovered.

Axel dodged and retreated as the onslaught resumed, and he let Mal land a few hooks that made stars explode in his vision. He deserved it. He deserved to suffer, to be beaten bloody and left to crawl back to his den. Maybe then he would understand a fraction of how Ragnar no doubt suffered when Axel betrayed him. Axel growled and braced himself for a punishing barrage of fists against his ribs, but Mal retreated with an odd expression.

The Southerner straightened and dropped his fists. "You're not even trying, Axel."

"I'm distracted. Keep fighting." Axel lurched forward and the first continued.

The bear wanted Lucy, and Axel wanted her as well. She belonged in their life. She was their mate. That odd, fluffy, multi-colored Arctic fox was their mate. He shook his head in disbelief and dodged another swing from Malcolm. But she loved Ragnar. Loved him still. And Axel knew every time she looked at him, she saw his brother instead. It wasn't fair. It was what he deserved, but it wasn't fair for her.

He wished he believed in prayer, that he could pray and ask for guidance from Ragnar or their parents or whoever might be listening. He didn't know what to do. The code was clear: Lucy was his mate, so it was Axel's responsibility to protect and care for her. But the code didn't account for what Lucy wanted. His guts twisted. What if she wanted to leave? What if she never wanted to see him again because he was just a painful reminder of Ragnar and what she'd lost?

Maybe it was the universe getting back at him for driving Ragnar's mate away, so many years ago.

Axel gritted his teeth and let Mal clobber him right in the face. He staggered back as blood gushed from his nose and splattered across the floor, but he shook it off and growled at Mal. "More."

"Dude, I'm not going to just beat on you." Malcolm retreated, shaking his head, and started to unwrap his hands. "You want to box, fine, I'll box. But I'm not going to pummel you."

"I will," Sasha said, stubbing out a cigarette and ducking into the ring. He didn't even bother to wrap his hands. The Russian flexed and pulled off his t-shirt. He briefly kissed a silver medallion he wore around his neck, then smiled at Axel. "Let's go, white bear. You want punishment?
Da
, I have."

Axel didn't bother to question why Sasha was so eager to beat on him, because it didn't really matter. Axel needed to hurt, to bleed. It was the only penance he could think of, to make things up to Ragnar.

Mal strode away, muttering and shaking his head, and apparently summoned Owen and his medical supplies. Sasha, lithe and tattooed and muscled, evaded every punch Axel threw and landed three times as many. The damn Russian fought better than almost anyone else Axel knew, even smoking a few packs a day and drinking more vodka than even a shifter liver could deal with. He was probably drunk at that very moment.

Axel listened to his bear and evaded the next few blows, but the fight continued and drew more attention from a few of the other shifters working out. They gathered around the ring and started joking and exchanging wagers, calling encouragement and advice to both Axel and Sasha. Axel tuned them out. He didn't know what to do about Lucy. She focused on her work with Smith, and there was no telling what that entailed. If she didn't tell him, maybe Kaiser would. Or Axel would go down to Smith's office himself, demand the old man tell him what the hell was going on. Demand to know whether Smith knew Ragnar was his brother, if the fae investigator intended to keep them apart. His lungs burned and he growled.

But Lucy. Lucy had to come first. The phrasing distracted him with other thoughts and in a brief flash, he remembered curling around her in the warmth of a bed, her soft curves giving against his body. The distraction gave Sasha the opportunity to slam a fist right into Axel's chest, and he grunted, stumbling back. The Russian said something out the side of his mouth, and a couple of the wolves laughed. Axel's vision misted red. He didn't want an audience. He wanted to work out what the fuck he was supposed to do about Lucy, and he thought better during physical exertion. The pain brought clarity. The bear wouldn't tolerate mockery.

He snarled and threw all of his weight behind a punch that sent Sasha staggering back, his eyes crossed, and the chuckling spectators went quiet. Axel didn't relent, hounding the other bear around the ring, until Sasha's expression went dark and his eyes flashed gold. The Kodiak bear started to make an appearance, and Axel's polar bear reared up to square off with him. They'd fought often, when Sasha first wandered into the city — knock-down drag-out fights that left both of them broken and bloody. Eventually, Kaiser forced them both to stalemate and into a fragile peace. Axel bared his teeth. Maybe it was time that ended.

The Russian spat blood and teeth onto the floor of the ring, along with a torrent of angry foreign words that raised the hairs on Axel's neck, and they both launched into a real fight. It helped. It made the world make sense again. Everything made sense when Axel could hit Sasha and be hit in return, over and over until his muscles ached and his lungs burned and everything faded to just pain.

And then the door to the gym opened and Kaiser walked in, looking around before he held the door open to let Lucy follow on his heels. She looked small and cold and tired, pale against the bright colors of her hair, and Axel's bear flipped. Went fucking mental. Their mate was sick. Uneasy. Afraid. He'd trusted Kaiser with her and the alpha bear failed to protect her. Axel growled and lurched toward the ropes, ready to leap across half the gym to reach her, but met Sasha's fist instead. Like a meteor on the end of a steel pipe.

Axel saw stars, then black spots, then the ceiling as he lay on his back in the ring.

Sasha looked down at him, blinking blue eyes gone gold and wild. He said something but Axel's couldn't decipher it through the ringing in his ears and the wobbly way that sound distorted around him. He struggled to sit and found Kaiser watching him, irritation in the older man's face, and Lucy disappearing up the stairs.

The spectators scattered back to the weight machines and heavy bags as Kaiser gave them all an alpha's dark look, and he leaned on the ropes to look at Sasha. "I should ask what the fuck you think you're doing, but I'm guessing I won't like your answer. Go out back and chop wood."

Sasha made a face and his upper lip curled, even though it split under one of Axel's punches and still dribbled blood. "How much?"

"All of it." Kaiser's growl was enough to send the Russian sauntering toward the back door, though he tried not to look hurried. When the alpha gestured, Owen dragged the first aid kit up to the ring and crawled through the ropes to examine Axel. Kaiser folded his arms over his chest. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Axel stared up at the ceiling, refusing to move as Owen flicked a light in his eyes. "You were gone a lot longer than you said. The bear grew restless."

"Smith had more notes for us. Lucy gave him good information. Important information. He wanted to hear about Ragnar." Kaiser took a deep breath and dropped his voice. "They're plotting something. I know they are. I had to step out of the room to take a call from Edgar and when I walked back in, she looked guilty as hell. I don't know what it was, but it's got something to do with Ragnar."

Even with the pain from a broken nose and battered face and bloody hands, his brother's name cut right through Axel. "So he didn't know my brother worked for him."

"As far as I could tell, no. Smith didn't know. Looked damn gut-punched when Lucy told him." Kaiser rubbed his forehead, looking more and more tired. "Get yourself cleaned up and come upstairs for dinner in a bit. But pull your head out of your ass first, got it? Lucy's thrown up a couple times today; she's a little shaky and pale. Under the weather. So you need to be careful and quiet."

Owen's eyebrows arched as he looked at Kaiser. "Can't keep food down?"

"Not even pancakes. Or water." The alpha bear rolled his eyes and gestured at the door. "I'm going to have to air out the car for a week just to get rid of the smell."

The medic made a huffy bear sound and started packing up his bag. "Fatigue or dizziness? Headache? Any muscle aches or tenderness?"

"She's always tired, and clumsy as a newborn foal." Axel forced himself to sit up, though the room spun around him, and he almost thought he'd barf and embarrass himself further. "Do you think she's sick? What's wrong with her? Is it contagious?"

"I don't think it's contagious." Owen snorted, shaking his head, and eyed Axel. "How good are you at math?"

"What the fuck are you talking about? What's wrong with Lucy?"

"So not great." Owen shrugged and slung the bag over his shoulder. "Don’t worry about it, big guy."

Kaiser and Axel both frowned at him until the younger bear laughed and walked away, whistling, and left Axel staring at the alpha. Kaiser watched Owen disappear up the stairs. "I worry about him, Ax. He's suffocating and I don't know how to help him."

"If he doesn't ask for help..." Axel started, but cut off as Kaiser gave him a dark look.

"Have you asked for help?" When Axel said nothing, Kaiser went on, irritated. "All four of you stubborn jackasses are fucking with my mood. Owen wants to die, or at least doesn't want to live. You're feeling guilty as shit over things with your brother
and
you're all emo over Lucy. Malcolm still thinks he's possessed by demons and is wasting money on some fucking faith healer, and Sasha is... He's going to die of cancer or liver disease, or get himself killed by fucking mobsters. I don't know which is more annoying."

Axel pushed to his feet and almost fell over, so he limped to the ropes and hung there, dizzy and disoriented. The shifter healing should have gotten him over a regular broken nose and minor concussion, so Sasha must have damn near knocked his head off. Axel concentrated on Kaiser's face as it swam and blurred in front of him. "I'm trying to make things right with Lucy. I can try to distract Owen but he's always with that girl, Sidda, at the Chase mansion. I can't help you with the Russian, and I don't know what the fuck a faith healer is. I can find you a young priest and an old priest, though."

Kaiser scowled at him for a long moment, though his mouth twitched like he wanted to smile. Finally, the alpha bear hauled him through the ropes and helped Axel stagger up the stairs. "You're a pain in my ass, Axel Isbjorn. Get cleaned up, check on Owen, then come up for dinner."

Axel did as he said, and stood under the spray of hot water in his shower for far too long, pondering Owen's words and the jokes about math. Axel scrubbed the dried blood off his face and hands and chest, pushing away the thought. After dinner he would ask to speak with Lucy alone. He could explain himself, explain what happened with Ragnar so many years ago. He would ask her to stay, at least for a little while and until BadCreek was destroyed, and offer her the world if it meant she would make her home with him. Even if she stayed in the guest room for the rest of their lives.

He made a note to get more towels. Better towels. And the girly shampoo and soap shit that smelled like flowers. Better sheets for the bed, and real furniture. The list grew as Axel got ready, and he wondered if that was an onerous enough task to distract Owen from his internal misery. Axel started making notes and called Owen to give him the list of tasks before he shuffled upstairs to Kaiser's apartment. Time would tell, for both of them.

I
didn't recognize
the bloodied men in the boxing ring until the fox sat up and pointed out our mate was one of the combatants. When I glanced back at Axel, the nausea blooming again at the scent of blood, he looked a heartbeat away from speaking. He even reached for me, his blue eyes intense, but toppled over as Sasha decked him. I wanted to stop to check on him, to make sure Axel was okay, but the swampy air in the gym — the men, the stink of sweat and old socks, the aggression — drove me up the stairs.

Josie glanced up from where she put together a puzzle with the little ones as I tumbled through their front door, her eyebrows raised. "Is everything okay? You guys were gone a while."

"Everything is fine." Even I didn't believe me as I said it. But I didn't stop moving, instead rubbing at my forehead. "I've got a bit of a headache; I'd like to lay down before dinner."

The concern in her expression just ignited guilt in my chest, but I needed time to think and plan and wrap my head around all the things Smith told me about BadCreek. The pack's reach went a great deal further than either Ragnar or I believed, and their crimes were so monstrous they made my hands shake. Stealing shifter children, tormenting them and experimenting on them, then killing them when they had nothing left to give. And with information from the man Axel and Sasha grabbed the same day they found me, Smith knew BadCreek intended to sell babies and genetic material to whoever had a big enough checkbook.

I curled up on the bed and pulled the sheets over my head, wanting to cry. I'd always known the world wasn't a particularly friendly place for most people, but encountering that degree of evil first hand... I shivered. And to think that Nick might have contributed to that, or was still involved in facilitating that evil. He had a lot of explaining to do, if I ever managed to meet with him.

The cheap phone Smith gave me buzzed with a single text message: instructions to meet a few blocks from the gym at midnight at a 24-hour cafe. I set the alarm on the phone so I wouldn't forget, my thoughts already foggy and disoriented. Too many things had happened in the last few days. Too many changes ripped through my life and set what little order I managed into chaos. Josie and Kaiser were the only solid footing I could find, and even then, they would side with Axel if things went bad. Regardless of what Kaiser said in the car about the code and taking care of family, they didn't know me. And I was part of the reason that Axel would never see his brother again. If Ragnar hadn't gone to that meeting alone, we might have been able to fight our way free. I might have been able to warn him, or watch his back, or call for help.

It seemed like I only closed my eyes when Josie knocked on the door and stuck her head into the dark room. "Hey. Feeling better?"

My muscles ached but I forced myself to sit. "Yes, thanks."

"Good. Dinner's ready. Think you want to eat?"

"Of course. I'm sorry I wasn't —"

"Don't sweat it." She glanced over her shoulder, then grimaced in sympathy. "Kaiser told me you guys ended up spending a lot of time with Smith, figuring out how to finish those bastards off. Thinking about what BadCreek had done... That's a lot of hate and pain and awfulness to try to process. I'm not surprised you were wiped out. Take your time. The kids are already eating, so there's no hurry."

I took a few minutes to splash water on my face and pull my hair back in a ponytail, though I lamented the hint of roots showing through. I hadn't had time to get to the salon, or even research a good place, since I'd gotten to the city. Maybe in a couple of days, I would have time to get everything touched up. Josie or one of her friends might know a stylist. It seemed petty and small to worry about my hair being done in the midst of all the damage that BadCreek wrought, but I'd learned from experience that sometimes it was the little things that gave you power, and my hair was part of that.

Thoughts of my meeting with Smith occupied my mind as I ate dinner, even as I tried to participate in the conversation between Kaiser, Josie, and Axel, though I probably missed more than I understood. If I could just talk to Nick, maybe we could figure out how to stop BadCreek for good.

I blinked as silence settled over the table, and looked up to find all three of them watching me. Josie chuckled, leaning her head on Kaiser's shoulder. "Still tired?"

Axel watched me closely, bruises on his face all that remained of the brutal fight with Sasha only a little earlier in the afternoon. I sat back from the table and tried a smile. "Sorry. I know I'm out of it. Just a lot to take in over the last few days."

"Understandable," Kaiser said, his arm looping around Josie. "We all have a lot to deal with when it comes to BadCreek, but you're not alone. Most of the shifters in the city are part of the efforts to get rid of them. Soon we won't have to worry about them."

"That's good," I said, nodding. Even though I wanted to tell him a couple of those BadCreek assholes were mine to kill. I owed it to Ragnar.

Josie sighed and got up to help the kids as screaming starting in the other room, and Kaiser got up to do the dishes. Axel cleared his throat as he looked at me, his hand resting on the table next to mine. "I would like to talk to you for a moment. If you don't mind."

"Sure." I glanced over and caught Kaiser watching, though he didn't look worried, and I followed Axel over to the window that overlooked the front of the building. Very little stirred on their street, and a streetlight flickered and died as we watched.

"Lucy, I apologize for my behavior. I let my emotions control me and I regret that I hurt you." He took a deep breath, frowning down at the street below. "I am not accustomed to talking about things like this, so bear with me. If you would."

I leaned against the wall next to the window so I could watch his expression as he struggled through the apology and everything else. The vulnerability on his face made my heart speed up, thumping against my ribs.

The polar bear exhaled a gusty bear sigh and glanced at me. "I would like you to stay here. With us. With me."

"Because of the code," I said, a certain numbness settling around my heart. "Because of obligation and responsibility. And guilt, I think."

"No," he said, then shook his head. "A little, but not why you think. You're my mate, Lucy. I feel — empty, when you're not near. You loved my brother and I accept that. Maybe you'll never love me like you loved him, and I can accept that as well. But please. Stay here for a while, until we know."

I folded my arms over my chest. "The fox sees you as our mate. She knows. But I don't know if I'm ready for that, Axel. I just — I can't get my feet under me again, after Ragnar. I don't know if it's grief or something else, but I'm a mess."

"Then we start slow," he said, reaching for my hand. I didn't budge so he touched my shoulder instead, a gentle grip. "Stay with me downstairs. The guest room is yours. I'll fix it up, I'll get you towels and soap and whatever you want. Better furniture. I want to make it up to you, I want to give you a safe place. A comfortable place. Let me do that for you. Please."

I took a deep breath, tired to my bones already and wondering how I would stay awake to make the meeting with Smith. "Not yet, Axel. I'll think about it. But I'm sleeping up here for a while, I think. I don't care if you sleep here as well, just not in my bed. I'm not ready for that. I need some space." Even though the fox objected to sleeping alone, and part of me wanted to wake up next to him as well.

A muscle jumped in his jaw, then Axel nodded. "I understand. That's fair. Thank you. I would — like to hug you."

I blinked, startled by the caution. He didn't strike me as the kind of guy who would say something like that and then stare at me with such intensity I almost expected my heart to explode. And yet he did. He waited, hands at his sides. And I needed a hug. After learning everything Smith had to share, I desperately needed a hug.

So I nodded and swayed toward him, leaned against his chest, and his arms closed around me with bone-creaking strength. I exhaled and closed my eyes, my head resting on his shoulder, and listening to the steady thump-thump-thump of his heart. I felt safe for the first time in a very long time.

Axel didn't let me go, and I knew he would stand there forever, his chin resting on the top of my head, and his hand rubbing slow circles on my back. I nuzzled against his neck, the fox part of me wanting to chirp and wiggle closer until we were inside his sweater and right against his skin. The thought ignited heat in my cheeks, but I didn't mind.

He made a contented bear grumble, leaning down to press his nose behind my ear and inhale deeply. It felt right. Everything about it felt right, and that scared me. I didn't want to want him. I didn't want to feel safer with him than with anyone else. My breath caught in something like a hiccup or a sob, and Axel's arms tightened and the rumble grew louder.

His hand worked up into my hair and massaged my scalp, keeping my head against his shoulder but working away the tension in my neck and the back of my head. The fox wanted to keep him forever. I leaned into the gentle massage, even turning my head a little so he could get a knot of worry behind my right ear, and Axel chuckled a little. He grumbled more and his other hand slid up my back, applying pressure right on my shoulder until I went boneless and nearly collapsed right there.

"You're very tense," he said, quiet and calm. "You should take a hot bath and go to bed. Rest more. I don't like you being so tired."

"I don't like it either," I said, but it turned into a groan as his magic fingers dug in at the base of my skull and released a weight that had been plaguing me for months. I sighed, grateful for his chest to lean against. He smelled like snow and wood smoke. "But that's how it is."

"It doesn't have to be." Axel took another deep breath from my hair, snuffling like a bear along my temple, then squeezed my butt in a gentle, brief show of encouragement. "I'll guard your sleep. No one will bother you. Sleep in, all day if you want."

"I wish I could." I took a deep breath and started to untangle myself from his ridiculously strong hands. God, the man could probably work knots out of trees if he set his mind to it. My knees wobbled a little and he caught my waist, a warm support that set my cheeks on fire. I needed to get myself together. As much as the fox wanted to cuddle up next to Axel and sleep for the next week, I had to get ready to meet Smith. I absently touched Axel's cheek, then his chest, right over his heart. "But thank you. Tomorrow we can talk more. Find a comfortable couch or sunny spot. Talk about Ragnar, maybe."

"Consider it done." Axel held my arm as I stumbled back toward the guest room, and I fought my way through a daze. The polar bear opened the door to the room for me and waited until I was on the other side to pull it closed. "I'll be outside if you need anything."

I stood in the dark room for a long moment, staring at the door and knowing that Axel stood on the other side, ready to protect me. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing to stay. He might protect me out of obligation, because I was his mate, but obligation could turn into love. Caring could grow into a real relationship. I took a deep breath and double-checked the cheap phone and the alarm. Midnight. A couple of hours away — enough time for a quick rest and then one more step toward making things right for Ragnar.

Axel was right, though — a hot bath definitely helped. I almost fell asleep and drowned myself, and it wasn't nearly as satisfying as the type of massage that bear could provide, but it was better than nothing. The fox wanted to invite him in for a snuggle before we left, maybe a little more than a snuggle to find out just how strong those hands were. I tried to focus on anything except Axel. It didn't work.