Beauty in Disguise (24 page)

And Lord Dalton...she must let go of him again. She was glad they had made their peace; she would not put it past him to visit her father from time to time. She did not know which would be harder, saying goodbye forever, or saying goodbye and living for his next visit.

The loneliness had already begun to seep into her soul, and she was not even gone.

Chapter Seventeen

I
t was more excruciating than she could have imagined.

Kathryn walked quickly toward the lake, blushing at each servant’s wide-eyed stare, but more worried about her goodbyes to the children. She must be strong, for them.

She saw where they played under the watchful eyes of Sally. She did not interrupt them for a while, but they seemed...restrained somehow. Tears filled her eyes. She knew that this was the last time she would see them in the foreseeable future. She no longer believed God was punishing her. She believed He had given up on her.

She came out of her reverie as she heard her name screamed by the two as they realized she was there. She dropped down to her knees to take one in each arm. She buried her head on their shoulders and cried silent tears of joy and pain.

“Miss Montgomery, Miss Montgomery, am I going to be sent away?” Jacob asked in one ear. She heard Lacey crying in the other.

She put them at arm’s length and stared at them long and hard, burning their faces into her mind. She finally smiled and tousled Jacob’s hair. “Jacob, I have asked your mother to be sure that will not happen.”

Lacey remained quiet. Kathryn felt her reticence and decided she would talk to her first. But she wanted to do it alone. “Jacob, would you do me a huge favor? Would you go pick some of those wildflowers for me?”

Sally took his hand. “I’ll take him, miss.”

“Thank you,” she said to the only real friend she had in the house.

Kathryn turned her attention to Lacey. She sat back on the ground and took the girl on her lap. She was too big for that now, but both of them needed it. “Are you unhappy, Lacey?”

The little girl nodded against Kathryn’s shoulder. She must keep the quivering from her voice. “Do you want to tell me about it?”

She did not speak immediately, but her eyes welled up with tears. “Everything seems different. You look different, and Charity is very mean. Mama and Papa have not even spoken to us today.” She threw her arms around Kathryn’s neck and sobbed. With that, her broken heart was complete.

“Lacey, darling, your papa and mama are extra busy this morning. It is a very big secret so you must promise not to tell, but Charity is to go to London very soon, and they are making all of the arrangements. And your papa must also get the work started on the nursery.” She rocked the girl gently.

“And you, Miss Montgomery? Are you to stay with us or go to London with Charity?”

It was too hard, Kathryn thought, but she would do this for them. “No Lacey, I cannot stay. I cannot stay here, and I will not be going to London.” The young girl held her tighter, crying quietly. “It is no one’s fault, Lacey. You noticed that I look different today. I want to try to explain it to you.” How could she ever make this easy enough for a child to understand?

“I have told a sort-of lie, as I have told you
not
to do. My father and I had a very big fight once. We hurt each other, and I was very young and foolish.”

The little girl was calmer now, but she still held tightly to Kathryn’s neck. “I never wanted him to find me, so I changed my hair and wore spectacles. I stayed away from places he might be, so we would not meet.

“But Lord Dalton recognized me when he came. We were friends in London. He has helped me see that it was all a misunderstanding, and took me to see my father yesterday. We are both very sorry for our angry fight, and we forgave each other.”

She rubbed Lacey’s back and rocked her in her arms. “But he is sick, and I must care for him. I must go and stay with my papa. Do you understand?”

The little girl shook her head no.

“Oh, my darling Lacey. I will miss you so very much. But only because I will not be able to see the wonderful ways you grow every day. I will write to you each week, and you must write back to me. And when you get a little older you can come visit me. Would you like that?” She swallowed back her own tears.

Jacob ran up to them with the flowers, Sally not far behind. “Why do you still cry? Is it silly girl things?”

Lacey let go of Kathryn and stood up. “No, Jacob. Miss Montgomery came to say goodbye.”

“Say goodbye? Till when?”

What had she done to these children? More than their parents’ neglect had done, she was certain.

“Jacob, I must go be with my father. He is sick and has need of me.”

“No, we need you,” he said, and threw the flowers to the ground. He started to cry and ran to Sally. Lacey joined him there.

She knew they needed to withdraw from her to protect themselves. But they took the rest of her heart with them. “I need you, too, Jacob.” Her voice broke. “But I must make a hard decision. You have Sally, but my father has no one except me.” She raised her eyes to Sally, both of them tearing up as Kathryn passed the silent message to love them—love them with all of her heart.

Sally took over. “We must not let Miss Montgomery leave with tears. She wants to see your smilin’ faces before she goes. Now go give her a hug.”

Jacob ran to her and almost knocked her backward with the force of his body. She hugged him tightly and buried her face in his hair. “You will write me back, won’t you Jake? We can share everything in letters. All right?” He nodded, but he could not speak.

“Master Jacob, let Miss Lacey have her say now.”

Lacey walked up to her, but did not touch her or look at her. It was almost harder than tears. “Lacey, I need you to listen to me. I am not abandoning you. I love you too much. I promise to write every week whether you wish to write me back or not.”

Kathryn was not going to be able to take much more. “You must not close your heart for fear of being hurt. Sally loves you, your parents love you and I love you. Jacob needs you. Other people will come into your life that will love you, too. And you must love them back with all of your heart, because that is what you do best.”

Lacey ran to her and held on for dear life. Kathryn could no longer hold back her tears. “And when you have questions or problems, you write and let me know. Tell me your fears and your joys and it will soon feel better, like we are still together. Promise me, Lacey. I need you in my life, even if only this way for a while.”

She nodded against Kathryn’s shoulder. She held her away. “Lacey, tell me. You must not be afraid or shy again. Tell me, Lacey.”

The girl fell back into Kathryn’s arms and said in a choked voice, “I promise.”

Sally let go of Jacob and he ran to them, crying, as Kathryn pulled him in with one arm. They remained that way for a few moments until Sally knew that none of them should cry anymore.

“Come children, we will go see if Cook needs our help for lunch. Say goodbye to Miss so she can help her father.”

Kathryn whispered in their ears, “I love you both more than anything. More than anything. If you have need of me, just write. I promise I will come to you, and I will help you any way that I can. I love you.”

She let Sally take the hand of each one and lead them toward the house. Both looked back with the saddest faces she had ever seen, and she gave them a tremulous smile before they disappeared inside. She sat there for half an hour, crying as she stared into nothingness.

That is where Lord Dalton found her.

* * *

“Kathryn?”

He watched her turn away and quickly wipe the tears from her face. “Lord Dalton, I’m sorry, I know you wished to see me, but I had to—” she choked up “—to say goodbye to the children first.”

He sat down next to her, and without thought took her into his arms, her head resting on his chest. She broke down again, and he did what he had done the night on the bridge, he held her, he rocked her and, with his chin resting atop her head, he told her everything was going to be all right. He let her have her cry.

She quieted after a few moments but did not remove herself from his arms. “I have broken their hearts. They expect that from everyone else, but not from me, and I just betrayed their trust.” He felt a tear fall on his hand.

“Kathryn, I have no doubt you told them the truth. Children are inexplicably able to feel a lie. Their hearts are heavy, and they cannot understand all the actions of adults, but they know who they can trust. They trust
you.
”

He stroked her hair. “Did you tell them you would see them again?” She nodded her head against his chest. “Then I know you will move mountains to make that happen.” She nodded again.

Suddenly she pulled away from him and blew her nose with her handkerchief. “I am sorry.” She straightened her skirt and retied the ribbon, keeping her hair bound.

“What are you sorry for, Kathryn?”

She blushed. “You know what I am sorry for...for falling apart in your... You know what for,” she said, wiping the tears from her eyes.

“You are correct—I do know
what
you are sorry for. I do not, however, know why.”

She turned to look him in the face. He was so handsome and so strong. She was already leaning on him too much. She must remain strong on her own. “Why? Because I put you in an awkward situation? You would never have left me sitting here crying. I am sorry you felt the necessity of having to comfort me.”

“I’m not. Can you really have been so engrossed in your father and the children that you do not see the change in me?”

“There has been no change in you. You have always been the kindest man I know.”

“I see. When I tried to humiliate you in front of this family, I was being kind?”

“You were hurt. And I deserved your condemnation. It was not long before the kindest man I know was reuniting me with my father.”

He leaned one arm on his raised knee and ran his fingers through his hair. “Kathryn, I know the timing is bad, but I cannot wait for another opportunity. Tell me you know it is not just kindness. Tell me you have noticed my newfound feelings for you.”

She tried to rise, but he kept a strong hand on her arm. “No more running away.”

“I must catch the stage to Montgomery Hall, and I am risking too much by remaining here without my disguise. I must go.”

He waved his hand in the air. “My carriage will take you to your father when you wish it.” Then he looked at her with a frown. “What is this about the disguise? We shall throw it into the lake there and wish it good riddance!”

She stared back at him in surprise. He feared he would not like her next words.

“I shall need the disguise, or some version of it for the rest of my life.”

He was right. He did not like her words.

“But it is out in the open now—why continue it?”

“It is not all out in the open. You, my father and Lady Dinsmore are the only ones who know. I have asked Lady Dinsmore to keep my secret, and she has promised.”

“I still do not understand. You are going to be with your father. You certainly do not need the costume while you are with him. Indeed, I do not see why you need it at all.” He could feel himself getting angry, but he tried to stay calm.

“Perhaps not all the time.” She stopped and sighed. “But should he have visitors, I will only change positions, not identities. I will be his nurse. I will not have the past dredged up again. I could never do that to him.”

“And he has agreed to this?”

“We did not discuss it, but it will be a condition for my staying there.” She looked at him oddly. “It is very evident the ramifications that might arise should I ever be recognized. Why is that so hard for you to understand?”

He began to get scared. She was too determined, and none of it included him. “Kathryn, do you not see...I want you to marry me.”

This time she did stand up, flushed and wringing her hands. “After all I have put you through?” He stood, as well, but she began to pace. “Is this because I kept throwing myself at you?”

“What are you talking about?”

“The night on the bridge, after the attack, and again after seeing all you did for my father, I literally threw myself in your arms. I assure you, you are under no obligation. Oh, dear, I am so sorry.”

He stopped her and took her hands into his. “Kathryn, I feel no obligation.” He lifted her chin to make her look at him. “I love you. You said you didn’t think you really knew what love was nine years ago. Now I feel that way also.

“I did love you then, in a protective sort of way. I wanted to keep you safe. I wanted you always to be happy and carefree. I wanted to spoil you. Since coming to know you as Miss Montgomery
and
yourself, I realize that what I felt for you then was a fairy-tale love. Even before I knew you were you, I began to see the characteristics I want in the woman I marry. You are the embodiment of that woman.”

He could see the shock on her face. Was this really such a surprise to her?

She did not pull away, but she looked at him with the saddest eyes he had seen in her yet. He knew her thoughts. “I am so sorry.”

“Do not keep saying that. I thought you had grown to love me, as well.”

And he saw the answer to that in the pool of tears welled up in her eyes. She
did
love him.

“That is neither here nor there.” One lone tear rolled down her cheek. “I cannot marry you, my lord. If I wear the disguise to protect my father, I would feel even more honor-bound to do the same to the man I love... Marry. But I do not plan to marry. I will take care of my father, and I will try to spend as much time as I can with Jacob and Lacey as they grow up.”

She did not look away. “I assure you I would have done
something
to ward this off had I known. God still torments me, and you through me. I was so happy we had come to an understanding.”

“Kathryn,” he said, and he was intense. He had to make her understand. “It is not God who has not forgiven you—it is
you
who has not forgiven you.”