Beauty Queens (16 page)

“But don’t you think …” Mary Lou stopped to regroup her thoughts. “Love has to change you some, right?”

Adina shrugged. “I guess. But all those romances they feed us are wrong. They make us think it’s just supposed to be hearts and wind machines and boys who slay dragons for you.”

“But … is it wrong to want a guy to slay a dragon for you? Not that I would want a guy to slay a dragon, because I’m a vegetarian. But maybe he just needs a little encouragement. He’d do right by you if you could just see past his faults, like in
Beauty and the Beast.”

“Riiiiight.” Adina swept a hand dramatically to her brow. “And only your love can heal him.”

“Well … yeah.”

“That’s how they get you, my friend.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure. Unless it’s about spearing fish, because apparently I suck at that.”

“Do you think people can be cursed?”

“I believe Taylor is cursed to be a pain in the ass.” Adina craned her neck. “I should be careful. I’m sure she has supersonic hearing, too.”

“I mean really cursed.” Mary Lou turned her ring.

“What do you mean?” Adina gave Mary Lou a quizzical look.

“Forget it. It’s silly. I still believe in true love, though. You’re wrong about that.”

“You know what you are, Mary Lou? You are a hopeless romantic.”

“I’m
not the one who’s hopeless, Adina.”

Adina gave a little shriek. “That fish just swam past my leg! Creepy! Where did it go?”

“To your right! Two o’clock! Get it!”

“You are officially the most bloodthirsty vegetarian ever.” Adina stabbed hard and yelled in triumph. A fat fish wriggled on the end of her spear. “OMG. That was harder than the SATs.”

Mary Lou liked Adina. She liked her directness. In school, they would tell you that life wouldn’t come to you; you had to go out and make it your own. But when it came to love, the message for girls seemed to be this: Don’t. Don’t go after what you want. Wait. Wait to be chosen, as if only in the eye of another could one truly find value. The message was confusing and infuriating. It was a shell game with no actual pea under the rapidly moving cups. Mary Lou knew this firsthand, and she wished she could ask Adina more questions. But that would mean telling her everything, and she just couldn’t risk that. Like the bulrush shoots, shame and fear could be woven into a plaiting of surprising strength.

Taylor led the girls deeper into the jungle to a basin surrounded by hills. An enormous cave cut into one of the hills.

“Sparkle Ponies and Lost Girls, we already know that Miss Illinois and Miss Michigan had to take down a giant snake. We don’t know what other hostiles we might run into while we’re waiting for the rescue ship. As you know, I am a card-carrying member of Femmes and Firearms, just like my spiritual leader, Ladybird Hope. And if we’re gonna protect ourselves, we need to build us some weapons. The Glitz Attack. Everything we need is here. We just have to be resourceful. And there are bonuses,” Taylor said. She held out a makeup bag.
Unconsciously, the girls took a step forward. “Before we left home, I took the liberty of having a makeover at every counter in every mall in town. I racked up quite a few free gifts with purchase.” She jiggled the bag. “There is some very nice conditioner in this bag. Teen Dreamers, it’s time to represent. Your platform is Personal Arsenal. Miss Montana, Miss Ohio, Miss California. Are you ready?”

The three girls moved to a mound of palm fronds, carefully removing them to reveal a rickety wooden trebuchet made of bamboo and counterweighted with coconuts. “This is our new Teen Dream missile launcher. As you can see, it’s a catapult. You can thank Miss Montana, Miss Ohio, and Miss California for that.”

“We rock physics.” Miss Montana beamed. “Made one of these for ninth grade science. And Shanti makes them for fun in her spare time.”

Tiara raised her hand. “I thought Catapult was a spring break city in Mexico.”

“That’s Acapulco,” Mary Lou said.

“Next up: geography skills,” Adina muttered.

“Eyes up here, ladies,” Miss Montana continued. “You’ll note back here is a net thingy. Well, technically it’s a pair of DiscomfortWear™.”
²⁴

“Shapes you and makes an awesome launch pad,” Miss Ohio joked as she thumped the taut fabric attached to the long arm like an exotic underwear lacrosse stick. “If you put something in here — Miss California, will you do the honors, please?”

Shanti brandished a pastel pump for everyone to see before placing it in the nude-fabric basket.

“And cut the vine — oh, y’all might want to step back.”

The girls moved to the side. With one swift move, Shanti cut the vine. The coconut hit the ground and the trebuchet arm swung up,
launching the pump through the air with a ferocious zip. It stuck, heel-first, into the bark of a small tree with such force, it split the tree in two.

“Holy stiletto, Batman,” Jennifer said.

“We used a shoe, but you can use anything, really.”

Taylor balanced herself on the bottom beams of the catapult like MacArthur in the South Pacific. “Beauty is pain. And in this case, it’s somebody else’s pain. Miss Ohio, Miss Montana, Miss California, you have each earned yourself something from the goody bag. Reach in.”

“Oh my God, microfiber mascara!” Miss Ohio clutched the tube to her chest.

Shanti smiled. “Body glitter!”

“Coral Frost All-Day lip quench,” Miss Montana said. She didn’t seem as excited. But Taylor had moved on.

“Miss Colorado and Miss Alabama, what do you have for us?”

Nicole held up a thin, hollowed-out tube of bamboo. “This is the makeup splat gun. You pour a small amount of foundation in the end like so,” she said, letting Brittani demonstrate. “And then …” Nicole blew hard into the tube and the makeup splattered the ground. “It’s hypoallergenic and noncomedogenic, but you still wouldn’t want it in your eyes.”

“Excellent work, ladies. Goodies?”

Nicole took her swag. “Cocoa butter! Thank you, universe!”

Brittani rooted around, eyes closed, mouth moving as if making a wish. She pulled out a small plastic bottle of bubble bath.

Taylor made her way down the line, inspecting each girl’s work. The girls had worked in teams, and they beamed with pride at their inventive defense systems.

“Miss Michigan?” Taylor asked.

“Well, I melted down some of our jewelry and made arrows,” Jennifer said, holding up the thin, homemade metal shafts.

Petra admired one. “Wow. That’s cool. How’d you know how to do that?”

“I took a smelting class at the Y one time. Well, it was between that and water aerobics with my grandmother, so I took the smelting class. It took me a few tries but I think these turned out pretty well. And Ohio gave us some of that tree sap nail polish to stick them to the wood. What up, O-hi-o!”

Miss Ohio did a little dance.

“Very nice,” Taylor said. “Do we have bows?”

Jennifer nodded to Sosie, who held up a curved bow of tree limb strung with seaweed. “We steamed the wood. The first one burned to a crisp. So did the second one. The third one fell in the fire. The fourth one sucked ass. The fifth one I wouldn’t wish on my math teacher, Mr. Buttons, and he is a total chancroid. This is the sixth one.” Sosie held it high overhead like an ancient warrior. “Just like Green Lantern!”

Jennifer put a hand over her heart. “They grow up so quickly.”

“Claim your prizes, Miss Michigan, Miss Illinois.” Taylor offered the makeup bag.

“Sparkle-blue nail polish!” Sosie danced around with the bottle. “Oh yeah! Uh-huh!”

“Butterfly barrettes,” Jennifer said.

“I’ll trade you!” Miss Montana offered the lipstick.

Jennifer clutched the barrettes to her chest. “No way. I love butterflies.”

“Damn,” Miss Montana said.

“Okay, last but not least, Miss New Hampshire, Miss Rhode Island, and Miss Nebraska. You’re up.”

Taylor peeled a banana and waited for their demonstration.

“We’ve got ground defense,” Adina said. “If some big animal runs through here and catches a paw, it’ll be hoisted up into the air in a big hammock.”

“But it will not be harmed,” Mary Lou assured everyone. “It’s a humane containment system.”

“We’ve also dug a pit over here — watch your step!” Petra cautioned. She removed a covering of leaves. Below was a pit about eight
feet deep. “Anything running after us can crash right through here and
kaboom!”

“It was a lot of digging. But check out my arms!” Mary Lou’s bicep curved with new muscle.

“We should totally make that into a workout video when we get back,” Shanti said.

“Good idea, Miss California,” Taylor agreed. “Goodies.”

The girls stepped up to claim their prizes.

“Blotting sheets,” Petra said.

“Hand lotion!” Mary Lou squealed.

“Miss New Hampshire?” Taylor offered the bag again.

Adina reached in. “Oh, look! It’s a boat with a GPS set for home — awesome!”

“Trade you,” Miss Montana said.

“I was kidding about the boat. It’s bronzer.”

“Ooh!” the girls squealed at once.

“You got the best one,” Miss Ohio lamented.

“Here. Merry Christmas. I come from sallow people. I accept my fate.” Adina handed the bronzer to Miss Montana, who singsonged “Awesome!” and promised to share with her teammates as long as they didn’t all use the brush and get it bacterified, which would give them pimples.

“Teen Dreamers, I am very proud of us. You’ve given us the Department of Teen Dreamland Security. Personally, I know I will sleep better tonight knowing this is here. If anything tries to mess with us, we will show it that Miss Teen Dreamers mean business.”

“What’s your weapon?” Adina pressed.

Taylor cocked her head as if she had just asked the stupidest question in the world. “I am my own weapon, Miss New Hampshire.”

“Ready!” Petra shouted.

The girls stopped what they were doing and went to help Petra with the banner she’d been sewing for many days. “All right, Miss
Teen Dreamers. Let’s get that banner a-wavin’ proud like the red, white, and blue!” Shanti balanced on Jennifer’s shoulders, and Adina sat on Nicole’s. They tied the corners to the limbs of two scraggly trees.

“How does it look?” Shanti called down.

Petra’s needlework was evident in the carefully crafted letters:
IT’S MISS TEEN DREAM, BITCHES!

Petra stepped back to examine it. She smiled. “Perfect.”

This Tuesday, on PATRIOT DAUGHTERS!

(A group of British soldiers bursts into the home of BETSY ROSS, surrounding her and her reading circle of comely young women.)

Has time finally run out for Betsy and her revolutionary band of sisters?

Miss Ross, we are to arrest you for treason. You give these rebels a symbol through your sewing, I hear. What say you to these charges?

(Betsy sheds her dressing gown. Underneath, she wears stockings and a skimpy undershirt. The other women follow suit.)

How could I make a flag, sir, when I seem to have run out of thread?

She gave it all for her country — and then she gave just a little more.

Watch the show critics say “makes American history totally hot… . It takes some of the most important women of the Revolutionary War and turns them into hellcats who fight the British with everything they’ve got — and then some.”

Followed by the season premiere of CAPTAINS BODACIOUS IV: BADDER AND MORE BODACIOUSER.

(Several hunky, shirtless young men in breeches, earrings, and very little else stand on a large ship. There seems to be a feeling of mutiny in the air.)

Cor blimey, Cap’n Sinjin! We ran away from prep school for this?

Might I remind you that we witnessed a murder and were forced to go on the run? Believe me, I’d rather be studying for my chem final than running from barmy terrorist blokes who want to kill us just because we know too much.

Captain! Starboard — look!

(Captain Sinjin puts a small telescope to his eye. When he pulls it away, his expression is one of teen heartthrob alarm. His hair is still perfect.)

Gentlemen, we may get a battle yet.

Should we oil our pecs, sir, so that we’ll look fantastic during the fight scenes?

Indeed. Gentlemen! Glisten up those pecs! And if you’ve got any hair gel for making tousled waves, now’s the time to use
it! We stand and fight. But we stand and fight with hotness on our side.

PATRIOT DAUGHTERS. Tuesdays at 8. CAPTAINS BODACIOUS IV: BADDER AND MORE BODACIOUSER at 9. Followed by a special encore performance of CAPTAINS BODACIOUS III: THE CALL OF BOOTY at 10. Only on The Corporation Network: Giving you what you don’t even know you want.

Please fill in the following information and return to Jessie Jane, Miss Teen Dream Pageant administrative assistant, before Monday. Remember, this is a chance for the judges and the audience to get to know YOU. So make it interesting and fun, but please be appropriate. And don’t forget to mention something you love about our sponsor, The Corporation!

• I am hearing impaired but that doesn’t stop me! I hear with my heart. Well, not really. Because, as anybody who is not a complete and total moron knows, the heart does not have ears. This is the kind of s
  ^**
  t they make disabled people say all the time so everybody’s all “okay” with us. Soooo annoying.
  
• I perform with the non-hearing dance troupe Helen Keller-bration! And by “non-hearing” I mean deaf. Again, people, get over yourselves.
  
• My dream is to have my own dance troupe and work with kids. For real.
  
• Once, I saved my family from an earthquake because I could sense the seismic activity.
  
• My favorite Corporation TV show is the makeover show,
  Pimp My Face (Ugly Stepsister).
  I love to watch the girls get all new faces and clothes. I love that part after all the bruising and swelling and stitches and pain when they see themselves in the mirror for the first time and they just cry and cry. It’s really sweet.
  
• The thing that scares me most is being left out.
  
• The thing I want most is a best friend.