Because I Love You (27 page)

I wish you were still here. I wish we were a family again. All you ever did was love me, and I miss you both so, so much.
I never should’ve gotten so wrapped up in my identity. Neil was right: Blood doesn’t make a family.

My palms slid down the stones until my hands hit the ground, and I fell forward. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t move on without my parents.

My sobs came out in rasps. I clawed at my cheeks, whimpering in pain.
Fill it with happiness.
I let my mind wander to all the moments I’d had with them, the memories I carried of them—the smiles, the laughter, the love. I breathed deep, counted to five, and willed myself to stop crying, though every cell wanted to turn to stone. I had to live, even if I didn’t want to. For them. For me. For my baby.

When my blubbering calmed, I pushed out a few shaky breaths and opened my eyes.
Get up, Andie.
I forced myself to my feet and flung my hands out to balance when my legs shook.
Now, turn around.
I spun slowly, like I was stuck in quicksand. I reached out for Neil. But he was gone.

Wiping my wet cheeks, I wandered the small graveyard. Just when I was about to call out to him, I caught a glimpse of his dark hair. He was crouched in front of a grave, his head drooped. I didn’t have to look to know whose name would be written on the stone. Still, as I neared Neil, my gaze drifted to the marker.

MARK DONAGHUE. BELOVED HUSBAND, FATHER, AND SON.

My heart pinched.

I ran my fingertips through the hair above his ear and knelt next to him, my knees already frozen. The circles around his eyes were darker than before, and the muscles in his jaw were taut. I slipped my arm through his.

“It
was
my fault, you know,” he said finally.

“Neil . . . . ”

“I called him to come pick me up in the middle of the night, and all because I was scared. He told me to be brave, to tough it out, but I cried into the phone and told him I needed him. And like the dad he was, he drove across River Springs in a damn blizzard.”

Acid burned my throat. “You were eight.”

He shook his head. “That’s not good enough. If I’d listened to him and grown some balls, he’d still be here. My mom wouldn’t be one arrest away from time in prison, and Beth wouldn’t be the way she is. He was different. Always had a joke. Would’ve fought dragons for Beth and me. And, God, he loved my mom.” Neil’s voice broke, and the icy dagger in my chest dug deeper.

A tear escaped.

I could see now where he got it from—his sense of humor. His unfailing love for me. His devotion to his mother, even though she beat him. I laid my head on his shoulder and squeezed his arm.

“I’m still paying for it. For killing him,” Neil said.

I snapped my head up. Though he wasn’t crying, the agony he was going through—had been going through for a long time—radiated off him. His eyebrows creased, and his chest rose and fell sporadically, like he held his breath to keep the emotions reined in.

My throat tightened, and I shook my head. “Don’t talk like that. It’s not your fault.”

He closed his eyes and swallowed deep.

Oh, Neil.
I took his face in my hands and spoke as sternly as I could, “Your dad’s death was
not
your fault. You are
not
cursed, Neil. Not when you make my life better. Not when you’re the most genuine person I’ve ever met. My mom cared for you, and I know your dad would be proud of you.” I leaned my forehead against his. “Please stop blaming yourself.”

Neil held the sides of my neck and brushed his thumbs along my jawline. “I don’t deserve you, Andie.”

I almost laughed. Hadn’t I thought the same about him months ago? I used his words against him: “Why don’t you let me make that decision?”

He tried to smile but failed. Then he kissed me like the world would crumble beneath his feet if he didn’t. Though it was freezing outside, my skin flushed. I grasped his arms, a final tear streaking my cheek.

When he pulled away, slow and reluctant, I spoke confidently, without letting him go, “I love you.”

He kissed my forehead. “I love you, too. More than I ever thought I could.”

My insides fluttered, and I grazed his lips with mine. How could I have, once upon a time, thought the worst of him? If I could have one wish, I’d go back in time and fight for him, refuse to let him push me away with that silly kiss in the high school library.

Neil ran a hand down his face then stood and helped me to my feet. Arms around each other, we returned to the truck, and I sat as close to him as I could on the bench seat. Never wanting to let him go.

chapter twenty-six

My cell phone awoke me the next morning. I lay on my side, with Neil’s arms wrapped around me, and considered letting my voicemail answer. But on the second ring, Neil muttered, “Stop the noise,” and I grabbed the phone. A one-eyed peek at the screen showed Jill name. At 8:00 a.m.

“Since when do you get up this early?” I asked after thumbing the answer button and pressing the cell phone to my ear.

“Since my dad stuck ice cubes down the back of my shirt.”

I almost smiled at the image of Jill swatting at her father and screaming bloody murder.

“It’s your boyfriend’s fault, really. He texted my dad yesterday to say you were doing better, and now Dad wants me to invite you over. Something about New Year’s dinner, four o’clock, and Christmas presents. Seriously, they’ve been sitting under our tree since your aunt named him temporary guardian. You need to open them.”

I bolted upright, startling Neil. “He’s
what?
”

She yawned. “Relax. It’s no big deal. Your aunt didn’t want to make you up and move halfway through your junior year of high school, so my dad offered. I guess they still have two years on their London contract.”

My eyes burned. Not only was it hard to believe Aunt Kathy would let me stay, but Mr. Anderson taking on guardian responsibilities? There were no words.

When I spoke, I forced my voice to stay calm, “Okay, tell your dad we’ll be there at four.” I needed to say thank you to him in person.

“Roger that. Wake me up when you get here, ‘kay?”

I shook my head. “Bye, Jill.” I set my phone on the nightstand and glanced at Neil. He watched my every movement, his expression full of concern. But instead of tears, a smile broke free.

“Get up,” I said. “We need to buy Christmas presents.”

At 3:45, we parked in front of Jill’s downtown condo. After three quick knocks, Jill yanked open the front door, and, before I could say a word, she crushed me in her arms. Smiling, Neil touched my back and slipped past us, Christmas gifts in hand. I squeezed my best friend, fighting tears.
Already?
Making it through the day was going to be emotionally impossible.

“I missed you, too,” I said as Jill let me go.

“Don’t do that to me again.” She pointed her finger at my face.

I rolled my eyes and smiled.

Neil and Mr. Anderson were already chatting in the small living room by the time Jill and I joined them. It sounded like they’d gotten to know each other pretty well over the last few weeks. Jill had said Neil texted her dad last night. How often had they talked? And why did their conversation look so intense?

Spying me, Jill’s dad rose from his chair. “Hey, kiddo,” he said, opening his arms.

I walked into his hug. “Thank you for everything.”

He chuckled and dropped his arms. “You’re very welcome. Besides, it’s really that guy over there who’s been looking after you.” He nodded toward Neil, who half-smiled. “I merely gave Jill a few dollars to buy you a few things.” He held up a hand. “Don’t say you’ll pay me back. Neil already tried.”

I shook my head, my gaze blurring. “But
you signed guardianship papers to keep me from having to move. I have to repay you somehow.”

Mr. Anderson put his hands on my shoulders. His dark eyes were happy. “Just stay out of trouble, and we’ll call it even.”

I smiled as I sat next to Neil, and he laced his fingers through mine.

For an hour, we listened to Jill tell stories about her extended family visiting over Christmas, and when her mom came home around 5:00, we exchanged gifts and ate dinner. After a few rounds of Super Mario Bros with Jill and Neil, I wandered to the kitchen while they faced off in one final
,
winner-takes-all round. Their voices carried through the condo as they bickered like ten-year-old siblings. I couldn’t help but smile as I popped a potato chip in my mouth.

“So, how are you really doing?” Mr. Anderson asked from where he sat at the dining table, his laptop open in front of him.

“I’m okay, I guess,” I replied. Okay was too calm of a word, but it was the best I could come up with, considering.

Jill’s dad nodded. “Well, you’ve gotten through the hardest part. Each day, it’ll be a little easier to wake up in the morning.”

A loud scream echoed from the living room.

Neil laughed. “Get ready to pay up, Pocahontas.”

“You cheated!” Jill shouted. “Verbal contract violated. I am
not
doing your math homework.”

I chuckled in response, and almost as if Ethan sensed my happiness, a stick rammed into my ribs. Jumping slightly, I pressed a hand against my stomach and smiled when he kicked again.

“When’s the last time you saw your OB?” Mr. Anderson asked.

“Not since before Mom . . .”
Died
, I finished in my head, frowning. The pain of having to do this without her burrowed into my chest again. I leaned against the counter to keep from wobbling.

“I’m sure Jill would be happy to take you. And if you need help paying the bill—”

I shook my head. “No, that’s absolutely not necessary. Neil and I have a plan. We’ll be okay.”

He pressed his lips together then sighed. “All right, kiddo. But you know you can come to me about anything, right? If this gets to be too much—and, trust me, kids are a full-time responsibility—you just tell me what you need. Jill says you plan to keep him, so be sure you’re okay with everything both you and Neil are sacrificing.”

I swallowed a lump in my throat. Hadn’t those same thoughts already crossed my mind? Mr. Anderson was only looking out for me, but Neil assured me he wasn’t forfeiting anything. And I’d given up the whole doctor dream months ago. I had to trust we’d be okay; I didn’t know how not to.

“Thanks,” I replied. “I’ll let you know if anything comes up.”

“Yo, household,” Jill yelled. “The Rockin’ New Year’s Eve crap’s about to start!”

Mr. Anderson shut his laptop. “I guess that means we’re supposed to carry the snack bowls into the living room.”

Forcing a smile, I snatched the chips and dip and followed him down the short hall.

A week or so later, Neil shook me awake the morning of his last day of winter break. I tucked the comforter over my head and didn’t come out until he tugged the covers from my face. He chuckled and pulled them away again. I grabbed his pillow and smooshed it over my face.

“Get up,” he said with a laugh, snatching the pillow out of my hands and tossing it across the room. “I’m tired of seeing your sad face, so I planned something fun for the day. Now, get out of bed, or I’m going to tickle you.”

I glared at him, and he winked. Rolling my eyes, I sat up and brushed loose pieces of my hair down so I didn’t look like Medusa on meth.

“That’s better. Now, I’m leaving, but Jill’s going to pick you up in an hour. So, do whatever you need to get ready. And dress warm. It’s freaking cold out there.” He kissed my forehead. “See you in a little bit.”

My eyebrows furrowed as I watched him leave the room. What the heck did he have planned? Sighing, I hurried through a shower and then threw on black leggings and a long-sleeved, blue sweater that hung past my butt. Any fatter, and my outfit wouldn’t have fit. I
had
to go shopping for bigger clothes soon. After curling my hair and applying makeup to cover my raccoon eyes, I sat on the couch with five minutes to spare.

Exactly one hour after I climbed out of bed, the doorbell rang.

Jill looked me up and down. “Please tell me you’re dressing warmer than that.”