Becoming Death (21 page)

“There has to be a way and, if not, I have to at least try before I give up on our happy ending,” I explained, heading for the door. I stopped in the doorway and turned back to my mother. She was holding her head in her hands. I came back and sat down next to her. “Mom, I forgive you for killing Dad. I know you didn’t want to, and it must have been a horrible thing to go through. I can’t even imagine the kind of guilt you’ve had to live with.”

She hugged me, crying against my shoulder.

As I drove back to my apartment, I struggled with what I could possibly say to Aaron to make up for this morning. It wasn’t like any other fight we’d had over the years. I knew my actions had hurt him badly and saying sorry didn’t feel like it was ever going to be enough. Yes, I had been in shock after seeing his death alert, but I had definitely overreacted big time.

I pulled into the parking lot and stared up at our apartment windows, trying to judge if he was still home. It was daytime so there were no lights to guide me, but I didn’t see him moving around inside either. I hung my head as I walked inside and up the stairs. What was I even supposed to say? What was left for us? A relationship was out of the question—I couldn’t even touch him anymore.

I stopped on the welcome mat of our front door. The task ahead of me started to become real. I had to finally admit my mother was right—it would be almost impossible to get Aaron to call me a grim reaper without being able to prompt him. It’s not like anyone else even knew grim reapers were real, so why would anyone guess they existed in the real world? I sure as hell wouldn’t have. They weren’t a recognizable job like a police officer or nurse. Being a grim reaper wasn’t meant to be an everyday job. My shoulders slumped. Anyone spouting crazy stuff like that would be branded completely insane. I pushed the thought away and opened the door. I had to focus getting the most important thing done first: getting Aaron to forgive me.

As I walked inside, I prepared myself for his reaction. I weighed up the possibilities and decided a screaming match was preferable to being flat out told to leave and never come back. The lights were off and the living room was empty. The room felt too silent, like Death had already paid my home a visit. A chill ran down my spine. This place didn’t feel like home anymore. I glanced at the TV, wishing Aaron was sat in front of it, blowing up video game baddies or watching a predictable action movie. Without him here, the energy seemed to have drained and I felt my shoulders slump further with the heaviness of my guilt from this morning. I headed for his bedroom, adjusting my gloves to assure myself no accidental skin was showing. I couldn’t take any risks now.

His door was closed, which itself was unusual. Was he shutting me out already?

I knocked on the door and called, “Aaron, it’s me.”

I sucked on my lip while waiting uncomfortably for an answer, but I was met with silence on the other side. I leaned against the door, wondering whether he really wasn’t home or if he was just ignoring me. I prepared myself for the worst as I turned the knob and pushed the door open with my foot. I hugged the doorframe, creating a buffer as I peered into his room. The room was empty. His bed was made but everything else was seemingly untouched from this morning. I scraped my teeth against my bottom lip while retreating back to my room. Part of me hoped he had only gone out to get some lunch, but in the pit of my stomach I knew he was gone.

My phone was mysteriously whole again when I entered my room. I picked it up from the carpet to examine it. The metal and glass were smooth; it looked brand new. Did Death moonlight at the Genius Bar? I turned it on and it shook back to life. The screen mocked me with the unwelcome phrase
New Client
. I lifted my arm to heave it at the wall again but reminded myself there was no point and sat it down on my desk. I collapsed onto the bed and wrapped the quilt around me in a cocoon of warmth and safety. I couldn’t hurt anyone here. Everyone I loved would be safe, and so would I.

I awoke two hours later to the sound of my phone ringing. Still groggy I reached over, tilting it so I could see the screen. I recognized the number for Happy Mourners but didn’t answer it. Having a day job and a paycheck didn’t seem important anymore. After all, if I didn’t mark Aaron for death soon, I’d be gone in a few days anyway.

I untangled myself from the blankets of my safety cocoon before going to my closet to lift down a forgotten box from inside. I hadn’t looked in it in years, but after my mother’s confession it felt like the right time to open it again. The cardboard sides were dented and it was half covered in red paint from a failed childhood redecorating experiment. The box, with the word “Dad” scrolled across it, wheezed as I lifted the lid to reveal stacks of paper, photos and keepsakes from my childhood.

I picked up a pile of photos and flipped through them slowly, watching my father age before my eyes. I paused as I came to the most recent photo. It had been taken the week before he died. He carried me on his shoulders as we wandered along a lonely beach at sunset. His hair had begun to thin and his skin held a rosy tint from a sunburn, but it was still my favorite photograph of him. His smile was large, slightly goofy, like it had been just before the truck had hit us. How had my mother ever been able to kill him? It was obvious she still loved him and missed him everyday. My hand shook. Deep down I knew I wasn’t as strong as her.

I abandoned the box, concentrating on the picture as I walked over to my bed. I picked up Mr. Quackers from my bedside table and replace him with the picture, leaning it against my lamp. My eyes stung and I held them closed. I squeezed Mr. Quackers to my chest, knowing that if I could talk to my father again, he would know what to do about Aaron. He wouldn’t abide by Death’s rules and let Aaron be another victim. He’d fight, just like I was going to. I climbed onto the bed and lay back against my pillow cradling the toy duck. If only my powers allowed me to bring people back from death instead of causing it.

I paced the lifeless apartment for the hundredth time trying to organize my thoughts. It was getting dark and I still hadn’t heard a peep from Aaron since this morning. My father’s eyes followed me from the picture as I wandered to my phone again to check it for messages. I sat down on the bed swallowing my fear as I pressed his name in my contacts list and listened to the soft hum of the rings on the other end. One ring, two rings, three rings, four rings—hang up after ten rings, I told myself.

“Hello,” a voice picked up on the other end.

My words caught in my throat as my nerves took over. I coughed out the word “Aaron.”

“Madison,” he said coldly.

“Where are you? Are you okay?”

He sighed heavily. “I’m at Marcus’s. I needed some space to think.”

“Aaron, please. You have to know how sorry I am. It was a huge mistake.”

“You’ve got that right.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” I tried to reason with him. “When are you coming home?”

Aaron was silent a few seconds before replying, “In a few hours.”

I felt nauseous when I heard Aaron’s key turn in the door. I had disobeyed his orders and camped out on the sofa. I caught his eyes as he entered. His teeth were clenched and his eyes sunken. I lowered my gaze and jammed my hand into the pocket of my sweatshirt.

His lip rose in an awkward half-smile as he sat down in the chair at the far end of the room and picked at a loose thread. “Are we okay?”

I ran my teeth over my bottom lip and squeezed my eyes shut. I answered honestly, “I don’t know.”

Aaron leaned back in the chair. “I feel like I’m missing something. You seemed so happy last night, and then this morning… it was like I hurt you. Did I do something wrong?”

I shook my head. “No, of course not.”

“But you pulled away, you cowered from me this morning. That doesn’t sound normal for any relationship.”

I turned away slightly, avoiding his eyes.

“What were you afraid of?”

I tapped my fingers against the chair as I fumbled to find something to say. “I guess I wasn’t ready.”

“What?”

“It all happened so fast, I thought I was ready but I changed my mind. You’re my best friend, Aaron, and now we’re in this confusing relationship. I don’t know what I wanted anymore,” I lied.

Aaron stood, examining the floor. “We shouldn’t have slept together. We pushed each other too far, too fast.”

“This doesn’t mean I don’t love you, because I do,” I told him. “But for now we need to back up and put the breaks on.”

“So you want to end this?” He pointed between us. “And we go back to being friends.”

“For now. I don’t want to give up on this but I need time to figure out how this could work,” I admitted.

He leaned against the wall and looked towards the ceiling. “Okay, if that’s what you want. It was good while it lasted.”

“Yeah, it was.”

I watched Aaron carefully from the kitchen table as he prepared an omelet. He hadn’t even acknowledged me when he’d walked in the room, and he’d spent the whole time cooking with his back to me. I swirled the cereal in my bowl, unable to take a bite, until he spoke to me, breaking my trace. Even though he was only standing on the other side of the room, I missed him.