Becoming Me (14 page)

Beanie’s not much help. She still maintains that she and Zach are handling everything just fine—but at the same time I almost get the impression there’s something more going on. And she says that they even talk about it, and actually discuss why or why not they should or shouldn’t. Now, I’m sorry, but that creeps me out. I cannot imagine talking to Josh about something like that! I mean, they never talk about it in the movies; one thing just leads to another and the next thing you know they’re doing it—right in your face! Okay, so they’re acting. But you know what I mean!

Anyway, I warned Beanie that she better be careful. Just because we’re Christians doesn’t mean that we can’t get hurt. I mean, like last week, I observed Jenny a few times (when she didn’t know I was looking) and she just looked so sad and I wondered how she must feel after having done it with Josh (yes, and it still makes me mad!) but does she feel used now? I remember how I felt after just making out with him for one weekend and getting dumped. I felt worse than crud. I can’t imagine how she must feel now. I don’t want anything like that to happen to Beanie—or Zach either for that matter. Or me.

So far this week has been okay for the most part, considering. The only snag being that Jenny heard that Josh and I went out on Saturday (probably due to Hilary Weiss—she saw us at the theater and has a very big mouth!). And I may be slightly paranoid, but I thought I saw Jenny looking at me like she’d like to have me murdered or something. Josh has been joining Zach and Beanie and me and a few other kids (from track and the youth group or whatever) at lunch—almost like we have our own little clique now (not that I’m into that stuff anymore!). But it’s nice to have friends. Anyway, Josh says not to worry about Jenny, that he’s handled everything with her and she needs to just get over it. Truthfully I’ve never considered her to be a vengeful person. I guess I just wish she didn’t hate me. Maybe in time…

It’s Josh’s birthday this weekend and he invited me to do something with him on Saturday, I’m not sure what, but I said yes. Now I wonder if that means I should get him a present—and I want to, but I’m just not sure what it should be. I mean, I want it to be something nice, but I don’t want it to look like I’m real serious or anything. Hopefully I’ll think of something by Saturday.

For the first two days of this week, Josh only kissed me a couple of times (mostly after he dropped me off after track practice—and I’m afraid my dad was watching yesterday). But today, I was lying in the high
jump pit again after practice relaxing and getting some rays and Josh joined me, and the next thing I knew we were really kissing big time. Is it something in the air? But I’ve noticed a lot of kids are getting into this whole spring romance thing. Maybe it’s always been there but I’m just noticing it more now. (Like if you get this really cool pink sweater and suddenly it seems like the whole world is wearing pink sweaters!) I think it has something to do with spring. Anyway, there we were getting all hot and passionate right there in the high jump pit, and that’s when Coach Reynolds walks up and says, “You two done practicing for the day?” Well, man, you should’ve seen me leap—talk about a high jump!

But Josh just sort of sits up real nonchalant and says, “Practicing, Coach? I thought this was the real thing.” Well, Coach didn’t laugh, but he did look at me curiously, almost as if he wanted to say something. Then he shook his head and walked away. I felt so stupid—and kind of sleazy too. I told Josh I’d see him later then jogged back to the locker room by myself. Why is becoming an adult so difficult?

Sometimes I remember how simple my life used to be when I was still a little girl. I mean, it was so nice not being all concerned about things like boys and sex and all that kind of stuff. Sometimes I wonder, why does all that have to change anyway? I mean, why do we have to grow up? It’s one of those things I want God to explain to me someday. It’s not like I don’t enjoy the things that come with growing up—good grief, the problem seems to be
that I enjoy them too much (or at least I’m afraid I do). So, I guess my other question is this: If these things are so enjoyable, why do they have to be wrong? Okay, I think that’s enough questions for the night.

Kind of a strange day today. I mean, the track meet went okay, and everything between me and Josh seems to be okay (and under control). But earlier today, just after lunch, after Josh told me good-bye (and, yes, gave me a quick kiss) Jenny came up to me. She’s all by herself (not that normal) and has this sort of blank expression on her face (not angry or hurt—just blasé) and she looks me in the eye and says, “Be careful, Caitlin.” Then she walks away. That’s it. End of story. Now, I didn’t tell anyone else about this, because I really don’t know what to make of it. Was she threatening me? Was she warning me that she’s going to get Josh back? Or what? Finally, I decided it just wasn’t worth worrying about. But it’s still bugging me a little. I’ve even considered calling her to find out what she meant.

Josh dropped me at home after the meet (which we won by the way) and then had to hurry to meet his parents for dinner at a fancy restaurant (for his birthday—he and I will celebrate tomorrow, which gave me time to get him a present at the mall tonight). He kissed me and then promised to call later.

Well, as fate would have it, my dad was just getting home (I hadn’t noticed) and watched the whole thing,
and was waiting for me on the porch. “Looks like you and Josh have become more than friends,” he began. I just shrugged and said, “Things can change.”

Then Dad set down his briefcase and put a hand on my shoulder (I’m sure he thought it was a nice fatherly gesture, but I felt pretty sure I knew what was coming, so I probably acted kind of stiff). Anyway he told me that he hoped that the mistakes he’d made with Belinda wouldn’t make it so that I never wanted to listen to his advice anymore. I thought, when did I ever want to listen to his advice before? at least about boys and sex; but I didn’t say this. Then he said that he loved me and didn’t want to see me get hurt and that he didn’t want to say too much, but that he wanted me to be careful. That got my attention because it’s what Jenny had said to me.

“Careful about what?” I asked with suspicion.

He looked kind of blank, like he hadn’t really expected me to respond, then said, “You know, just take care and don’t try to grow up too fast. Don’t let anyone push you into anything you’re not ready for.”

I nodded. “Okay. I don’t usually let anyone push me into anything.” Then I smiled. “But thanks for the advice, I guess.”

So, that was two people telling me to be careful. Probably just a coincidence, but kind of funny just the same. Anyway, I went to the mall with Beanie and Zach, and Zach finally talked me into getting Josh a Bible (leather with his name on it—took a whole month’s
allowance too). But I think maybe Zach’s right (and obviously he knows what a guy would like). Anyway, I think it’s a pretty good gift. It says that I really care about Josh in a spiritual way and as a good friend. And for now, I think that’s enough.

Okay, if I were
to describe the perfect date—tonight would have definitely been it. Well, almost anyway (but I’ll get to that part later). Josh had called last night to let me know we would be going out to dinner at a special place and to dress up. I borrowed this really cool light blue top from Aunt Steph (I’d seen her wear it to church once and I knew it must’ve cost a fortune)—I also knew it would go perfectly with my favorite long skirt (which it did by the way). Then I wore the silver and quartz necklace and earring set that Mom got me for Christmas.

I think I looked pretty good. And Josh thought so too. He always says that I look just like Gwyneth Paltrow (and even though Aunt Steph says the same thing, I don’t really think so), but anyway, I know I looked okay. It turned out he was taking us (actually his parents paid for the whole thing) to this restaurant that’s on a boat out on the lake just outside of town, and they have
these little row boats to take you out to the big boat. And it was all just so magical and wonderful—with little white lights all reflecting all over the water and all these waiters and people treating us just like we’re grownups. It was just so totally cool. And the dinner was absolutely delicious—for the first time in my life I had real lobster, with a shell and everything! (Josh said I could order anything I wanted.)

Then we had our dessert (cherry-chocolate torte) out on the deck with these little torches burning all around. And then Josh asked me if I’d go to the prom with him!!! Of course I said yes! Honestly, I wondered if heaven could be any better than this! After we finished eating we lingered on the deck for a while. It was one of those warm spring nights where you can almost feel summer in the air. We just stood there and looked out on the city lights and stuff—and, okay, kissing. But, how, pray tell, could I not indulge in a little kissing under those circumstances. It was like being in a movie or something and so incredibly romantic!

By the way, Josh really liked his birthday gift too. He said the only Bible he owned was from childhood and looked pretty juvenile, and that this one really meant a lot to him.

So anyway, we finally thought it was time to leave. But we didn’t really know what to do because it seemed too early to call it a night, but too late to catch a movie or anything else. So, Josh drove up to a spot that overlooks the town (yes, it’s the place where kids go to make out—
but also to enjoy the view, which was what I was sure we were going to do). As you can guess, one thing led to another and before I knew what had hit me, we had progressed further than before and it was really difficult to put on the brakes (for me too!). Just the same I made it perfectly clear that we HAD to stop right then and there. And then we got into this little fight. Nothing really huge, but it kind of spoiled what would have otherwise been a perfect evening. And it did hurt my feelings a little that Josh insinuated that I had worn a really sensuous outfit just to torment and tease him—which I did not, by the way! I only dressed up because he’d said to; I didn’t even think it was a “sensuous” outfit in the first place, but I’m starting to realize that guys and girls definitely think differently about a few things!

Josh drove me home (in silence), but by the time we reached my house, he apologized to me. I apologized too, thinking I should’ve seen this whole thing coming and stopped things sooner than I did. I know Josh was pretty frustrated, but I couldn’t think of anything else to say that would make anything better. So I just thanked him for a really great evening and said good night—without even one last good night kiss. I felt kind of bad about
that
once I got into the house, but on the other hand, I think we’d done enough kissing tonight to last us both for quite a while!

It wasn’t all that late, so I called Beanie up and told her everything (well, not the last part about the fight) but about the dinner, the gift, going to the prom, and all
that. And she didn’t seem all that excited. In fact, she almost sounded jealous or something. So, I asked her how things were going with her and Zach, and it seems they’d gotten into some big fight (I’m wondering, is it something in the air?). Anyway, I nicely asked her what they had fought about, but she didn’t want to tell me. And finally, after a lot of gentle coaxing, she said it was about
sex
.

Well, I tried not to act all surprised, but simply said, “So, you guys have done it then?”

And she said
yes.
And for some reason I was totally stunned. But I didn’t let on (this is a game I learned how to play while hanging with Jenny). Anyway, Beanie explained that ever since they had done it, they hardly ever talk anymore, and it’s like it’s all they want to do when they get together, but once they do it, there doesn’t seem to be anything left to say or do. So their relationship is suffering. I felt really bad for her, but didn’t know what to say.

So I told her I’d pray for them, which she actually seemed to appreciate. That’s exactly what I plan to do as soon as I close this book. What I didn’t mention to Beanie is that I’ll be praying for me and Josh too, and that we don’t fall into that same trap. And I must admit after our little fight tonight, I’m feeling pretty worried because it feels like something’s lurking around the next corner—just like a hungry wolf that’s waiting to devour us and destroy everything. Somehow I just have that awful feeling. And I’m afraid that I won’t be able to fight it off.

DEAR GOD, HELP US—HELP US ALL (BEANIE, ZACH, JOSH, ME), HELP US TO KNOW WHAT YOUR WILL IS WITH THESE RELATIONSHIPS. I FEEL SO CONFUSED, AND I THINK I MAY HAVE CHOSEN TO DISOBEY YOU AND THAT WORRIES ME A LOT. I DON’T WANT THAT. I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE THE WAY YOU WANT ME TO. I KNOW THAT WITHOUT YOU I CAN MAKE A REALLY BIG MESS OF THINGS AND I DON’T WANT THAT. HELP US ALL TO KNOW HOW YOU WANT US TO LIVE. AND HELP US TO LISTEN TO YOU AND TO OBEY. THANK YOU.

This had been a fairly quiet week—up until today that is. To start with, Josh had been sick for the first couple days (he called me on Monday but didn’t seem too talkative) which was kind of good, because that little space from him gave me time to think about some things that Clay said at youth group on Sunday. He said that he’d been feeling concerned for some of us (didn’t say who) but that he felt we were in some sort of “spiritual danger” (those were his exact words!) and that he’d been praying for us a lot.

After hearing that I’ve been reading my Bible and praying a lot more. And I’ve been basically trying to figure everything out. I don’t know that I’ve made much progress, but a couple of things seem clear to me. First of all, Josh and I need to slow things way down in our relationship. More importantly,
I need to love God more than I love Josh.
It’s something Clay talked about—how the most
important thing we can do is to love God (and others too), but we need to love God more than anything (more than our family or friends or even our own lives!). Now, loving God may sound simple enough, but it’s not that easy to love him above all else (and like Clay says, God knows our hearts and whether we’re being honest or not). And it can be especially difficult when you’re sixteen and have a really handsome boyfriend who you really do love a lot! So I’m working on it.