Becoming Sister Wives: The Story of an Unconventional Marriage (24 page)

I’ve heard that when people become empty nesters, they have to figure out who they are again. This is kind of how I’m feeling right now. I think in particular, I’ll have to figure out what my place is in the family again. It will be a new chapter in my life and my evolution as a sister wife, and it will be interesting to see how it all plays out.

Whenever I talk to Robyn about this, she is so cute. “You still have kids, Meri. You still have kids!” she insists. She’s right. I know I do, but it’s different from actually having them in my home full-time, and having that constant influence over them.

I’m at a major fork in the road of my life right now, with some major decisions to make, and so far I have no idea which path I will take. On my list of possibilities, these three stand out: I can continue my schooling and work toward my dream of becoming a counselor working with at-risk youth. I have the chance to pursue one of our family businesses by doing some humanitarian work and traveling with friends and family to new places I’ve never been before.

The third possibility wouldn’t be possible if I didn’t have sister wives. Over the last couple years, I have been blessed to experience the true love that two sister wives can share. Robyn has
shown me this many times, most recently after the birth of her son. Knowing that I have often dreamed of having more children of my own, and knowing that my body is very resistant to the idea, she pulled me aside, and with only the love that a sister wife could give or understand, she offered to carry a child for Kody and me. This would mean becoming a mother again in a way I never would have thought possible.

All three are amazing opportunities that no doubt will fulfill my life in a way I probably never could have imagined. I don’t think any of my options are “right” or “wrong” for me, they’re just choices with different and amazing outcomes. As I continue to live my life, loving every moment I have with Mariah until she moves on to college and her adult life, I will do the best I can for myself and my family in the role that I am in, and I will work toward writing the newest upcoming chapter in the book of my life. I look forward to my future with hope and anticipation, fully expecting life to bring me all the happiness and fulfillment that I’ve had in the past, and then some. I have no doubt that it will be a truly amazing chapter!

The beauty of living in a polygamous family is that we truly get to embody the principle that “it takes a village to raise a child.” Our family is that village. While all of our children have benefited greatly from the different personalities of the five adults who have raised them, it wasn’t always easy establishing the rules and guidelines for child rearing. When you have four adults, now five, who all grew up differently, with different freedoms and different household rules, coming to a consensus about what we should tolerate and what we should permit wasn’t easy.

In the beginning, when we were just starting our family and Logan was the only child, there was a great deal of conflict over the rules for how the children would behave in the home. While we all did agree on the bigger issues, such as not tolerating it if children are disobedient or disrespectful, it was harder to come to terms about the smaller stuff. Some of the adults did not want Logan to climb on the couches and play with pots and pans in the cupboard. Being an adventurous child, Logan was eager to do these things. I was a permissive mother and allowed him to climb and crawl where he pleased. I wanted him to explore as much as he could as long as he wasn’t putting himself in harm’s
way. Some of the adults didn’t agree. So there was a great deal of friction those first two years or so when Logan was learning to crawl and then walk.

Like any parents, we were perhaps a bit too overprotective with the very first baby. Once the other children came along, things began to mellow a bit. My sister wives realized that kids needed to be kids. They would climb and explore and there wasn’t all that much we could do to stop them. As our family evolved and we created our own households within the family space, each wife became more and more autonomous. We began to raise our own children the way we wanted to, according to the rules and guidelines we preferred individually. When children visit another mother in that mother’s house, they are aware that different rules are in place. For example, in Meri’s house, the children know they cannot roughhouse to the same degree that they can in Christine’s or mine. One way is not worse than the other, it’s just different. The children have learned to respect each mother and act appropriately in her respective household.

But even with difference in rules between the houses, we still all have come to a consensus on the bigger, more universal issues. For example, we all agree on what constitutes disrespect. If any of the children, mine specifically, or those of my sister wives, are acting in a manner that is rude, harmful, or disobedient, any of the mothers is well within her rights to correct that behavior, usually with a scolding. I feel that a transgression that requires more than a scolding is something for the individual mother and Kody to handle. I will alert my sister wife that I have observed a problem but then leave it to her to handle as she needs to. The downside for our teens, especially, is that there is always a parent who could be watching! We joke with the kids that we have eyes and ears everywhere—because often we do. For example, recently I was running errands and observed one of our kids walking on the street quite a distance from home.
Because it seems out of the ordinary, and because we parents communicate frequently, I knew that this teen was usually supposed to be somewhere else at this time. A quick phone call to my sister wife confirmed that it was okay for this teen to be in this unusual place. But if not? Well, then it’s accountability time for that child!

When the children were younger, it was easier to cross-discipline them. The rules of behavior are a little more black and white when the transgressions are things such as lying or fighting. As the children have become teenagers, I find it’s a little more difficult to interfere with the way in which one of my sister wives manages things. There is a much larger gray area these days regarding what constitutes a transgression. The older kids have developed their own personalities and what one might do to be cheeky, another might do in good fun. One household might have different rules about phones, curfews, television—there are just too many variables at play. We all have strong relationships with our own teens and with each other’s teens, but since teens as a whole are more complex, rule and boundary setting is usually left to each particular mom, as she knows her own children best.

Nevertheless, the universal rules apply—none of the adults tolerate blatant disrespect or lying from any of the kids, regardless of age or parentage. When either of these happen, I feel completely comfortable stepping in and asserting myself. I will also intervene when any of our children ignores his or her own mother’s instructions. I have no problem acting as a secondary enforcer, so the child knows the mother is to be taken seriously. There are times a particularly contrary kid gets the full force of all adults present ordering him or her to take his or her mother seriously. When this happens, the child knows it’s time to shape up!

Compared to Kody and my sister wives, I am a softy. My older children tease me that I never enforce anything I threaten
them with. This is mostly true. I feel more comfortable discussing with them what is wrong with their behavior rather than punishing them for it. I have always been a nonconfrontational person, so this is just my parenting style. If not for my sister wives and husband, my children would probably have run wild! The other adults are much quicker than me to carry out their punishments and rarely let bad behavior slide. I credit the way my children have turned out to the fact that my parenting decisions were backed up by Kody, Christine, and Meri, who also provided a structured environment for them and were not afraid to enforce things.

Even when we lived under one roof in the big house in Utah, we still managed separate households (except for the mortgage). Although we discovered long ago that financial autonomy was important to each of us, we do often pass money back and forth between wives to help cover expenses. We all contribute on day-to-day stuff like baby shower gifts and wedding gifts. We also all contribute to larger family expenses such as the cell phone bill.

This is not to say that there wasn’t overlap between us while our family was younger. Christine and I especially worked together and helped each other out financially as well as with meals and errands. When we lived in the big house, Christine and I usually did the bulk of our shopping together. It just made sense. Our kids are the same ages and like to eat the same things. On the days I was working, Christine usually made dinner for both my kids and her own. However, on days that I didn’t work, I usually cooked for my kids alone. Even when I put food on the table or stock my fridge, my kids are eager to go scavenge in other mothers’ fridges and cupboards. It is a universal truth that someone else’s food is always more interesting.

The kids have always been free to move from house to house. Obviously in Utah, this was a lot easier than it is now in Las
Vegas. These days there is plenty of walking, driving, and shuttling back and forth. It’s a lot of work to keep track of which kids are where, how they got there, how they’re getting back, and where they need to be later—everyone is always on the go. But it’s comforting to know that our kids are always being supervised by a parent.

There are many evenings, especially on the weekends, when my house is completely quiet because the kids have dispersed to the other houses. Over the summer, my pool was pretty popular with the older kids, while the younger girls always got really excited to have sleepovers at Robyn’s. They think it’s cool to have a couple of new sisters with different toys and different games. During the school year, Christine and Robyn’s houses seem to be where most of the kids want to hang out because they are the easiest places for all the siblings to meet up with each other, as well as with other kids in the neighborhood.

Certain kids often form attachments with mothers other than their own. These can be lifetime bonds, or simply temporary solutions to something a kid is going through during a particular time in his or her life. Currently, Hunter gravitates toward Christine. She has her own way of talking to him and can be more helpful to him during this phase than I can—and for this I am unbelievably grateful.

I’m so glad that my sister wives, as well as Kody, are there with me as we navigate the murky waters of adolescence—especially issues of love and sexuality. For me, the most important lesson to teach my kids is not to get too serious, too fast. The adults constantly back me up and emphasize to our children that serious dating is not at all appropriate in high school. If our kids are to date, we prefer them to go on group dates. With Madison, Logan, and Hunter, I am very blunt in discussing the perils of too much intimacy before they are mature enough to handle it. I never tire of telling them that unexpected babies and STDs
could mess up their lives if they’re not careful. But boy, do they roll their eyes at me when I get on my soapbox! Fortunately, I’m not in this alone. I have four other adults who will reinforce our vision of morality and help me make sure that my kids conduct themselves as safely as possible.

Despite the complexity of my relationships with my sister wives, the support network we have is unbeatable. In the ideal world, we would all be able to be together as a family as much as possible, but with so many kids running off in so many directions, this is not always possible. I wish that I could attend more school functions than I’m able to. But we have to come up with a “divide and conquer” system. While not every mother can attend every event, no child will ever have a recital, game, play, or graduation without a few members of the family present. So if I can’t make it on game day, I know at least one of my sister wives will be there. That is the beauty of our family, especially now that we are able to live out in the open. We can be there for one another without question and without scrutiny. We can finally be the family we always dreamed of being.