Becoming Your Spouse's Better Half (22 page)

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Authors: Rick A Johnson

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I also hear people tell me how much their children “love Jesus with all their heart.” Perhaps so, but it seems to me that to love someone requires them to grow together through experiences, some good and some bad. You tend to become closer to someone, or love them more deeply, when you have gone through difficult or trying times, such as war or other life-and-death circumstances together. Maybe I’m wrong here and God’s love and grace transcend growth and maturity. But it has been my observation that many men don’t “love” Jesus. To love someone would imply that you would take action for their benefit. I’m not sure I see that action evidenced by many men in the church.
I tell women all the time to judge men by their actions, not their words. Whenever a man tells me how Spirit-filled he is, I always watch his actions to see if they back up his words. In my experience, they often don’t.
I don’t have any evidence of these theories other than observation and anecdotes, but I suspect they are true on at least some level. I don’t find anything in the Bible that says women are more in tune with the persons of the Trinity, but it seems to me that because women are more attuned with the cycle of life, they perhaps have a better receiver to tune into God’s spiritual radio waves.
Because of that lack of intimacy with God, I think men sometimes feel like their wives are more holy or spiritually mature, and thus men are reluctant to be spiritual leaders in the home. Women are then forced to pick up the ball as the role of spiritual leader and teacher.
Teacher
 
Women are often the first teachers of spirituality that young children have. I am always surprised at how many women either return to their faith or come to Christ after giving birth. The miracle of life must stir a primal instinct or understanding that intuitively prompts them to pass the knowledge of God’s grace and mercy on to their offspring. Quite possibly, the very act of creating and growing new life within their body is so stunning in its complexity and majesty that women naturally (or even unconsciously) just know that at some level, an omnipotent Creator is involved. To create life within one’s body, give birth, and hold a newborn baby and not develop faith in a Creator does not seem logical.
However, we men need to understand that when women are the only spiritual teachers in the home, the children get only a feminine vision of God and spirituality. This can be unappealing to boys and young men who yearn to know how and what a man feels about a relationship with God and what that looks like. Oftentimes when Mom is the only one who takes the kids to church, young boys become bored and would rather follow Dad’s example of staying home.
Additionally, your wife and children need your spiritual leadership, as imperfect as it may be. God designated you as the “priest” in your home and holds you accountable for your actions or inactions in this area. If you step out in faith as a spiritual leader in your home, God will guide you in this area, and you will find greater fulfillment and satisfaction than you thought possible. Your wife and children are eager to follow your lead in this area.
Mentor
 
Women (and men) need healthy spiritual mentors. The key word here is
healthy
. I’ve seen many women led down the wrong path by seeking advice and wisdom from women (or men) who were either misguided or misinformed. The people we take guidance from directly determine the choices we make and thus where we end up in life.
While a woman’s pastor should be one of those mentors, he or she cannot fulfill that role entirely. Being an effective mentor requires someone who cares about the person being mentored and invests in an intimate relationship with him or her. A woman needs another woman (or women), probably older and more spiritually mature, to help her fully grow in faith. In the model of Titus 2:3-5, she needs an older woman who has been through the trials and the despairs of life to help her glean wisdom and maturity—to teach her how to raise a family, love and support a husband, and develop a deep relationship with God.
Perhaps because of internal fears they possess, many women are reluctant or do not recognize their need for a mentor or other nurturing role models in their life. They feel it is fine for other women, but to admit that they need help or guidance would remove the cork from the bottle and release the “genie” of their fears, and then they might not be able to get the genie back in again. Also, perhaps the disconnectedness from family and community that most women experience now contributes to their reluctance to appear “needy.” Teaching and counseling relationships used to happen more naturally than they do today. Perhaps women today can’t find relationships they feel safe enough in to develop this kind of bond.
Fears
 
Many women I have spoken with say they struggle with a variety of fears. Fear of being an inadequate wife and mother, fear of not being considered beautiful, fear for their children, fear of being abandoned, fear of change, fear of loneliness, fear of failure, and fear of losing their man to another woman. Men have some of these fears too, but they are often more intensified in women. Women also have a great fear of rejection. Especially for those who have experienced rejection in their lives—by their fathers, by other girls and women, or by their lovers—rejection nearly becomes an obsession. When these women become adults, they are easily rejected. They tend to place too much emphasis on their husband’s opinions of them instead of God’s, giving their husband the power to emotionally reject them. Then when they feel slighted or rejected by their husband, their entire world falls apart, stifling them in many areas of life. Their fear of being rejected even debilitates them.
Many women also seem to feel guilty a lot. Most men I know do not suffer from this malady. Women even feel guilty about things they have no control over. This guilt causes them to make poor choices and limits their effectiveness in a variety of areas in their lives.
Many women, though, report that they are able to take these fears to God and focus on being grateful in order to overcome their fears. They need someone or something bigger than themselves or any of their problems to rely on in times when their fears become too great.
God says, “I will never reject you. I will never forsake you. I will love you unconditionally.” But many women’s perceptions of God are developed through their earthly father.
Her Father’s Influence
 
Guys, you need to understand that a woman’s father has a big influence in many areas of her life, but most especially in her view of her heavenly Father. If you can understand your wife’s relationship with her father as a little girl and as a woman, and the power that relationship has, then you can begin to understand her relationship with God (and her relationship with you). This will help you to meet some of the needs she has in her spiritual walk—and she needs your support, strength, and leadership in this area.
The other day as my wife and I were driving, we listened to a radio program. The guest was Angela Thomas, the author of books such as
Do You Think I’m Beautiful?
and
My Single Mom Life
. Angela was describing her struggles as a single mom who was exhausted and overwhelmed by all the pressures of having four small children. She spoke about crying out to God and telling him she couldn’t handle any more. God responded, she said, by paternally loving her, encouraging her, and calling her his “sweet baby girl.”
I looked over at my wife, noticed she was crying, and asked her what was wrong. She said, “Never having had a father, I can’t even imagine a loving heavenly Father calling me his sweet baby girl.”
Since Angela is from the South—and I’m a little thick-headed—I responded, “Well, maybe that’s a Southern thing.”
Almost sobbing now, Suzanne said, “No, you call Kelsey your sweet baby girl all the time. It must be a dad thing!”
Later as she was relating that story to our daughter, even before she could get to the part about me calling her “sweet baby girl,” Kelsey blurted out, “Daddy calls me his sweet baby girl!”
She then went on to tell Suzanne about a little note I gave her years ago. I don’t even remember what it said—something about how you can truly live only when you take the focus off yourself and put it on others. But Kelsey apparently reads it every day and has it memorized. She keeps it on the bathroom counter in her apartment to look at every morning. But the most important part of the note was that it was signed, “I love you, sweet baby girl. Love, Daddy.”
It humbles me to think that those few simple words from her father mean so much to her. And even more humbling is that her image and perspective of her heavenly Father will be so much more easily accessible due to the example I set in some small way as her earthly father.
Fathers have an incredible influence (positive or negative) on nearly every aspect of their daughters’ lives. A common theme among women who did not have a father is the inability to trust a man and believe that she won’t be abandoned again. Counting on and loving a man is a leap of faith, because for these women a permanent relationship with a man is theoretical.
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And so women who suffer from father wounds tend to struggle with developing a close relationship with God as well. They cannot believe that he will not abandon them like their earthly father did. To admit to themselves that their earthly father loved them so little that he left them is difficult enough. Imagine how devastating it would be to think that the Creator of the universe wouldn’t love them enough to stay.
Without a father around to provide a role model, healthy physical affection, and protection for her, a girl is left to the examples of masculinity she sees on television, the movies, and music videos—by all accounts, very poor options. She then transfers this image onto God. If her father and other older males in her life abandoned her, ignored her, or abused her, how can she possibly trust a heavenly Father? How can she risk fully giving her heart to someone who might once again leave her?
A father sets a huge example for his daughter regarding the qualities she looks for in men, the standards she maintains, and ultimately the qualities she attributes to God. He is the first man in her life and models how a man should treat a woman, how a man should act, and how a man shows healthy love and affection to a woman. He also sets the standard for how a daughter feels she deserves to be treated by men. He determines how a girl believes God should view her and treat her, and even how a girl feels about herself.
If a father shows his daughter love, respect, and appreciation for who she is, she will believe that about herself as a woman, no matter what anyone else thinks. How her father felt about her is how she will believe God feels about her.
I know one wonderful, competent woman who believes that God does not trust her. She is a successful single mom who owns her home and has a good job and great kids. Why would she believe she is incompetent and untrustworthy? Because she had a father who always criticized her and told her she was worthless. Even though intellectually she knows that’s not true, it does not allow her heart to believe any different.
God’s Daughter
 
All people, but especially women, have a lens or filter through which they see themselves. They get this perspective from their experiences in life, the way their caretakers treated them as a child, society’s mores, and spiritual attacks on them. But the lens they see themselves through is rarely reality. For instance, many women believe in their hearts that they are physically unattractive, are overweight, or have any number of other negative characteristics. In their minds, this makes them less lovable, less worthy, less valuable as a person. The mirror they see themselves in is cracked or warped and reflects a distorted view or perception of them. In their hearts, they mourn their perceived lack of lovability and worth. They do not see themselves as God sees them—as beautiful daughters of Eve.
Women tend to look at their flaws through a magnifying glass instead of looking at themselves as a whole. Think of it this way. The area of the mountains where my wife likes to hike is beautiful. She often comes across gorgeous settings that take her breath away. But if she were to look at the pieces of the scene individually, she would notice that the ground is covered with animal scat, the pine needles are sticky with sap, the trees are covered with bugs, and the flowers are dirty and have bees around them. Individually, the scene is not so beautiful, but taken as a whole it is a magnificent example of God’s beautiful creation.
The same goes for women. If they look only at their flaws and not the whole picture, they will never be satisfied and will never see God’s magnificent creation—his culminating crown of creation. This self-misperception makes women susceptible to the affections (physical or verbal) of earthly men who would use them for their own self-gratification. It also prevents them from receiving the love and grace of a heavenly Father who wants them to know how glorious and spectacular he created them to be. With the power God has given a husband, who is one of the two most powerful men in a woman’s life, is the ability to counteract these self-criticisms that a woman has by giving her honest compliments.
Most women are highly critical of themselves and have a deep desire for love and acceptance. This allows them to be easily swayed or even damaged by negative criticism. Author Steven James says, “Inside of every woman lives a needy little girl wanting to feel pretty, loved, secure. Expose her to her imperfections, toy with her desire to feel loved, rattle her sense of security, and you bring that needy little girl to the surface.”
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