bedeviled & beyond 06.5 - bedeviled & bah humbug (10 page)

Frunk me.

A moment later Bob and Ralphy, covered in tooth dust and blood, ambled into the cavern.

I frowned at them. “What are you two doing here?”

Bob looked at me like I’d lost my mind. “We’re here to save your pretty ass, sweetie.”

I snorted. “Yeah?”

Ralphy glared at me. “You’re not exactly known for your finesse, Astra. I wouldn’t want you to blast the Grinch and accidently fry Santa.”

“Besides, you’re a chick. Chicks are helpless and weak.” Bob shook his pint sized head in disgust at how dense I was, probably bruising his Neanderthal brain in the process. 

I crossed my arms and leaned back against the cavern wall. “Okay then, it sounds like you two don’t need me at all. Go ahead and rescue Santa and I can get back to enjoying the holiday.”

The two pointy headed rodents stared at each other for a long moment, blinking. Finally Bob said, “You’d pout if we didn’t let you come along and help. I know how you chicks pout.”

“Not at all. I’m good with this. If I had to save Santa I might break a nail or something. Plus, I wouldn’t want to rip Mx. Claus’ caterpillar shirt. You two go do the man’s work and the little lady will just wait here for your triumphant return.”

More blinking.

“Do you want to talk out your plan first?” I asked them, examining my nails.

Ralphy cast a clueless gaze in my direction. “Plan?”

“Yeah. Maybe you’d feel better if you talked through what you’re going to do when you find Santa. Are you gonna whoop the Grinch’s ass?”

Bob puffed out his tiny chest and nodded, pulling his fuzzy, red pants higher onto his little round belly. “Yeah. We’re gonna pound that cranky green guy into the dirt.”

“Then what?”

“Huh?” Ralphy was starting to turn a little green himself.

“What if Santa’s knocked out? How will you get him back to the Workshop?”

Ralphy looked at Bob and the North Pole’s only cave man shrugged. “I guess we could drag him.”

“Have you seen his waistline lately?” Ralphy asked. “I don’t want to get another hernia.”

They fell silent and stared at their stupid, pointy shoes.

I let them stew for a few beats and then asked, “Can I get on with it now?”

“Yeah.” They both nodded enthusiastically. “You know what you’re doing. You don’t need us.”

I rolled my eyes and stepped into the nearest passageway, murmuring to myself. “God save me from little man syndrome.”

As I moved away from the central area of the cave, I started to notice a humming noise and a green glow that throbbed along the walls up near the ceiling. I had a déjà vu moment of the passageway leading toward the blood covered underground cavern of Devil King Nerul’s Royal Court and felt my pulse picking up.

In my head I knew The Grinch wouldn’t be doing blood sacrifices in his cave. But my nerves still thrummed as the sound deepened and the green glow brightened.

My foot alighted on something squishy and there was a squeak. I jumped in alarm.

A small hand landed on my right butt cheek and I stopped short.

Someone plowed into me with an “umph” sound and I turned on Bob. “You scared the shit out of me!”

Bob looked sheepish, his black eyes sparking with embarrassment and one lock of shiny blond hair curling over the center of his forehead. “Sorry. Ralphy tripped and ran into me and I lost my hat. I was looking for it and fell over a crack.”

Glaring at him, I reached down and picked up the soiled felt hat I’d stepped on. “I thought it was a rat.”

I
really
hate rats.

Bob slapped the dented hat back onto his head. The little white ball hung at an odd angle off the pinched tip.

“You look ridiculous.”

His teeth shone in the green light. “Thanks!”

“And if you touch my butt again I’ll strangle you and bury you under an elf sized pile of rocks.”

Ralphy snorted and Bob’s smile drooped crookedly. Just like his stupid hat.

I turned away and continued toward the throbbing, green light. On the plus side, since we’d moved beyond the windy central cavern, I could see the sparkly trail Santa had left us again. And up ahead was the end of the passage. A clanking noise had joined the hum by the time we made it to the roughly chiseled hole at the end of the passageway.

At the exit, I moved close to the wall, making as small a target of myself as I could, just in case the Grinch had any more nasties like the abominables up his sleeve.

Behind me Bob and Ralphy slapped at each other, giggling.

Bob’s hat was now drooping down his cheek, the sad little ball resting on his shoulder.

“Stop it you two!” I yelled in a harsh whisper.

They stopped and stood there, hands in pockets in the center of the passageway. I sent out a silent wish for a giant snowball to roll through the passage and carry them out with it.

Peering around the edge I saw an empty, snow-covered ledge with blue sky beyond. I carefully stepped around the wall.

Nothing.

Walking toward the edge of the rocky ledge, my eyes widened in shock. Bob and Ralphy ambled up behind me and stopped with twin gasps of outrage.

Far below us, in a green and vibrant valley where the sun shone brightly and not a bit of snow existed, a giant mechanical nightmare clanked and shook and hummed, throwing off a bright, green light and quaking as if it would explode at any moment. At one end, dressed only in his fuzzy, red pants, big black boots, and a grease-stained wife beater t-shirt, Santa fed stuff into the machine and punched buttons. At the other end, the Grinch grabbed toys and set them on a long conveyor belt, where they ran in serpentine fashion through the verdant greenery of the valley and were scooped into pre-wrapped boxes by a couple of elves, who dropped them into a series of waiting sleds when they were wrapped.

“Scabs!” Ralphy and Bob shrieked.

Santa looked up and grinned, waving.

I stood there with my mouth hanging open for a moment, before grabbing the stubby hands of my annoying companions and shifting us down to the valley floor.

“Good! We need help.” Santa informed us as we landed. “Ralphy, go get me some more coal for the engines.” He pointed to a giant black pile of the black stuff in the distance.

“But, Santa, is that the coal we give out to bad little children?”

“...and Astra?” Bob giggled.

I glared at him.

“Not anymore. After dealing with a few hundred naughty elves this Christmas, I’ve decided I’d have to hand out all the coal in my workshop, so I decided to discontinue coal distribution this year.”

Despite my irritation at having been sent on a Mother Goose chase, I laughed.

Santa winked at me, his rosy cheeks shiny with perspiration from his hard work.

“Bob, I need you to organize the reindeer. Rudolph has his hands full with the new ones.”

Bob made an outraged sound and we all turned toward the far end of the valley, where dozens of reindeer stomped and played while Rudolph tried to get them to pay attention to his instruction.

His nose was glowing with irritation.

Bob stomped off, murmuring something about traitors and four hooved scabs.

I grinned at Santa. “You ran away from home.”

He stuffed a bolt of red fabric into the machine and pushed a button. “I did. I knew we’d never meet the Christmas deadline if I didn’t get around all the bickering somehow. So I told Mx. Claus I was going to my special place and she covered for me.”

I would have to remember how good an actress Mx. Claus could be when she was motivated. Those tears sure had seemed real.

Looking at me, he lifted an eyebrow at the caterpillar shirt. “I thought that was
her
standing up there for a minute.”

My own eyebrows lifted in horror until he laughed. “Not to worry. As soon as I saw the scrawny legs I knew it wasn’t her.”

Frowning, I wasn’t sure I felt any better. “Do you need some help?”

Santa pointed to a pile of wood, paint, and metal connecting parts. “You can man the rocking horse station. Just follow the instructions on the panel. You just need to put the materials into the machine in a certain order and it creates the toys.”

“Sweet!”

He laughed and his big belly rolled under the wife beater. “Yeah. I magicked it myself. Fine piece of work if I do say so myself. But I couldn’t have done it without Grinchy’s help.”

We both glanced down the long line of the rumbling, rolling machine and caught the beady, red gaze of the cranky green guy. He lowered his brow and glared at me.

“It hasn’t improved his disposition any.”

“Grinchy has a pineapple exterior but he has a pudding center.”

A roar sounded high above our heads and I looked up. A lone green dragon flew by, its wings lazily pounding the air. A thin ribbon of gray smoke trailed from its massive nostrils.

“You know, Santa, your little stunt has caused a lot of pain. The dragons fought and a lot of your abominables lost their teeth.”

Amazingly he started to laugh. “Astra, you don’t really think I’d be that cold hearted do you?”

“The greens you saw were nothing more than an illusion. When your beautiful Glynus reached the herd they would have dissipated like snow on a griddle.”

“And the abominables?”

“They were instructed not to really hurt anybody. And they volunteered for the fight. You probably don’t know this, but abominables love pain. They regularly fight and hurt each other just to feel the sting. That’s why they were created for constant regeneration, otherwise they would have gone extinct centuries ago.”

“But they can’t re-grow their teeth.”

Santa stopped in the middle of dumping a bucket of bolts into the machine and looked at me, his red nose twitching with good humor. Then his head went back and his belly bobbled on a full-fledged guffaw. He held his belly and laughed for a full minute while I stared at him, wondering if he’d lost his mind.

“Santa?”

He shook his head and wiped his streaming eyes. “I’m sorry, Astra. I told the elves that story decades ago. It was a fun story, about an abominable that had a toothache and an elf who wanted to be a dentist. Apparently they still believe it.” He went off again, barely able to breathe he was laughing so hard.

I shook my head. “I’m glad I don’t live on the North Pole,” I murmured to myself. “It’s a nuthouse here.”

My mental drawers shifted and Glynus and Dialle checked in. Glynus verified what Santa had told me and I told them both I had Santa and everything was ice. Though I was feeling a bit cranky about having been used again and my Christmas destroyed.

I started stuffing things into the machine and Santa resumed work too. Four hours later the night sky was darkening and all of the sleds were nearly full. My arms were so tired I could barely lift them to shove the last chunk of wood inside.

Santa walked over and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “You’ve done great work today, Astra. I’d like to give you something extra special for Christmas this year. What would you like?”

A thought had been brewing in my feeble little brain all evening while I’d worked. I smiled up at him. “That’s a lot of sleighs over there.”

The beginnings of a grin trembled on Santa’s lips. “It is, yes.”

I shoved paint into the machine, my fingers tingling with numbness. “Who’s gonna fly them all?”

Santa’s lips widened into a hearty grin and his belly started to bobble, his rosy cheeks puffing as he rolled into his trademark belly laugh.

I laughed with him, knowing that I’d get exactly what I wanted for Christmas.

If only this once.

CHAPTER 5

The reins were made of the softest leather, like butter between my fingers, and were extremely sensitive. Even the slightest tightening of my fingers sent the six reindeer strapped to the sled into a rolling turn that made my stomach jump in a fun way. I’d already done several loop de loops and a few slow rolls. And only the first loop de loop had been an accident.

I was grinning so hard I thought my teeth might freeze.

For the moment, I followed Santa and the elves, who each flew a sled filled with colorful packages ahead of me, but I had orders to split off as soon as we reached Canada, which, according to my magical map on the dashboard, would be in about five minutes.

My fingers twitched with excitement. My stomach clenched.

The air above the fur covered seat beside me shimmered and warmed and a yummy royal devil appeared. “Hello, my love.”

I grinned at Dialle, working hard not to bounce on the seat. “Dialle! I’m flying a sleigh and delivering toys!”

His chuckle sent warmth skittering through me, and made several spots on my body heat. “It appears that you are.” He glanced toward the sleighs ahead as we veered away, heading for Ontario. “Is this object difficult to drive?”

I shook my head. “It’s all magically programmed. I’m really just here in case something goes wrong.”

“Then what do you do?”

I thought about this and laughed. “I don’t have a clue! Call Santa I guess.” I laughed some more, truly enjoying myself.

Dialle glanced over the rim of the sled at the crisp, white countryside below. Everywhere we looked, the bright sparkle of multicolored lights dotted the countryside and lit up the wilderness.

As we neared a cluster of homes in the snowy expanse of countryside below, several packages lifted from the back of the sled in a shower of sparkles and fluttered downward, heading straight for the chimneys of the cozy homes.

The sled continued on, packages fluttering unerringly toward smoking chimneys as the town’s inhabitants slept.

The reindeer snorted, bells on their tack jingling merrily in the silent night sky, and the cold, clean bite of deepest night barely touched us. I took a breath and closed my eyes, finally understanding the term, Peace on Earth and Goodwill toward men.

Leather crinkled and Dialle’s long, heated body was suddenly draped alongside mine. I opened my eyes and looked into a velvet black gaze. Long, thick black lashes highlighted sexy black eyes that swirled with sensual reds and oranges.

The colors of passion.

He lifted a leather gloved finger to skim along my jawline. “It’s very pleasant up here, Astra.”