Been Here All Along (11 page)

“I heard there were huge flames coming from the science wing,” a sophomore in front of me says.

“I heard there was, like, a ball of fire,” the kid next to him chimes in.

“Something happened with a gas leak,” a girl says, completely separate from the two guys ahead of me.

I'm personally doubtful until a minute later when fire trucks roll onto the street and the teachers start ushering us toward the football field and away from the building.

“That's a first,” I mumble. The sophomore turns around and gives me a confused look.

I find Ruby lounging near one of the goalposts with Lauren and Lilah.

“All I'm saying is that we need to find something to do tonight,” Lauren says.

“I agree. I can't sit around my house again. I think my parents are starting to feel bad for me. Last Saturday night they asked me to play cards with them. And I did!” Lilah says.

When I sit down next to Ruby, she leans over to kiss my cheek but then jumps back into the conversation.

“I don't have to babysit tonight for once,” she says.

“Awesome. All you do lately is babysit,” Lauren says.

“Can you hang out tonight?” Ruby asks me.

I nod. “Definitely.”

While I'm technically grounded on school nights because of my English grade, Friday is not considered a school night. At least I hope not. I don't know why my parents would make me stay home on Friday night to do my homework when Sunday night is a perfectly reasonable time to get it done.

The girls continue to toss ideas around for what to do that night, and after a few minutes, more of our friends gather in this spot. It seems like everyone is getting comfortable, including the teachers, who are leaning against the fence, watching the fire department activity.

“I guess we're going to be out here awhile,” Sawyer says.

“Yeah, something happened with a gas line?” Buster says, but he's obviously not sure about that.

Gideon ambles up, taking a seat between Lilah and Sawyer, but he barely even says hello to anyone.

“Do you know what happened, Gid?” Maddie asks.

“Oh, uh, yeah. Actually, it happened in my chem class.”

Everyone grows quiet and all eyes are on Gideon. It gives me an excuse to really look at him for the first time in days. He seems kind of tired and pale. Not words that I've ever used to describe Gideon in the past.

“That's so scary,” Lauren says when Gideon's done with his story. “I had no idea that could happen.”

“I have a feeling it was a fluke,” he says.

The topic turns back to the evening's activities.

“My parents are going to a wedding tonight,” Maddie says. “So I'm up for whatever. They won't be home until after midnight.”

“Seriously?” Ruby asks. “Maybe we should all go hang out at your house.”

“I could probably convince my sister to get us some beer,” Buster says.

“This could be a lot of fun,” Sawyer says, squeezing Maddie's hand.

“Listen to me,” Maddie starts, and she makes direct eye contact with everyone sitting in the group. “I will allow it. But none of you can tell anyone else. This is not a party. This is not about getting wasted. This is not a way for you guys to completely screw me over. It stays between the eight of us. I don't mind having people over. It
will
probably be fun. But if any of you so much as breathes wrong on one of my mother's Hummels or my dad's ships in a bottle, I will cut you.”

I glance around the group, and everyone looks about as stunned as I feel.

“This will be an intimate gathering of friends,” Maddie says.

“A minute get-together,” Lilah says.

“A tiny shindig,” Ruby offers.

“So do you want us to take a blood oath?” Buster asks.

Thirty minutes later they finally start letting us back into the school. I feel bad about how quiet Gideon was during the whole fire drill.

I catch up to him as we walk through the front doors and squeeze his arm.

“You're going to come tonight, right?” I ask. I feel like I need him there, but I don't know why.

He looks from my hand to my face. “Yeah, of course. Wouldn't want to miss out on this minuscule nonparty.”

“Good. It wouldn't be the same without you.”

Ezra

“You look like you just ate a bug,” I say.

Gideon is lying on the couch in the family room after dinner, watching TV with a pinched look on his face.

“Why are you still here?” he asks, sitting up to face me.

“Um.” I can't believe he asked me that straight out. Not even our parents have asked. No one has asked. Which, come to think of it, is really strange. It's not like I can just tell him that I got evicted and didn't have anywhere else to go.

“No, seriously,” he says. “Are you just going to stay here forever?”

“Aren't you happy to have me around?” I ask.

“You're so glib. Why are you so glib?”

“Why do you insist on using SAT words?”

“That's, like, barely an SAT word,” he says, throwing himself back down on the couch cushions. “Sorry. I don't mean to be a jerk.”

“Yeah, what's your deal? You're so tense lately. Like, way more than usual.”

“Everything just really sucks.”

“Are people giving you a hard time about the gay thing?” I ask, taking a seat in the chair across from him.

He covers his face with his arm. “No one is giving me a hard time about the gay thing, because no one knows about the gay thing.”

“You haven't told anyone?”

He shakes his head.

“I'm the only person who knows?”

He nods. “Essentially. You're the only person I told.”

“Well,” I say, settling back and probably smiling too much. “I feel pretty special.”

“You always feel pretty special,” he mutters.

“So you want to tell people?”

He sits up and leans his elbows on his knees. “Yes. But I have this other problem that's really embarrassing.”

“Like farting in class embarrassing or boner at the wrong time or…” I trail off, because there are so many levels of humiliation.

“Kind of worse than that.”

I wait.

“So I'm in love with Kyle.”

“Oh. Okay.” I steeple my fingers and pretend to be his shrink.

“And I want to tell him. But I also feel like maybe I should tell him I'm gay before I tell him I'm in love with him. You know, like one thing at a time.”

I nod knowingly, even though I don't necessarily agree. Gideon just needs support right now.

“So go next door and tell him.”

“I love how you make it sound so easy.”

“I'm pretty sure it is that easy.”

“But what if—”

“No, forget what if,” I say, cutting him off. “He's your best friend. He came out to you, you can come out to him.”

He takes a noticeably deep breath, like he's trying to calm himself down.

“There's a party tonight. What if I get really drunk and come out to everyone? Get it over with.”

I think that sounds like kind of a terrible idea, but I'm trying to be supportive. “Have you ever been drunk before?”

“Um, no.”

“It might not be the best idea.”

“But it'll be like ripping off a Band-Aid,” he says. “And I can kill two birds with one stone. Coming out and getting drunk for the first time.”

“I see what you mean. If your life were a teen comedy, tonight would be your night. It would be the climax of your young life.”

“Exactly,” he says, getting into the idea.

“When are you going to the party?”

He looks at the clock. “I could pretty much leave at any time.”

I walk over to our parents' liquor cabinet and grab a bottle. “Here,” I say, pouring him a shot glass.

“What is this?” he asks, examining the bottle.

“Liquid courage.”

“No, what
is
it?”

“It's called Goldschläger. Just take the shot.”

He continues to look at the bottle.

“Drink it and stop dissecting it!” I say. I want to destroy the evidence before one of my parents comes in to find me giving liquor to their underage son.

“Ach,” he says after the shot. “I think I drank the gold.”

“I made sure there wasn't any gold in the shot glass.”

“There was. I totally drank it,” he says, staring into the empty glass. “Am I going to die?”

“Stop being such a square.”

He puts the glass down on the liquor cabinet. “Did you just call me a square?”

“Yes. And I meant it.”

He laughs.

“And now you need to get to that party.”

“Damn straight!” he says, throwing his fist in the air.

“See, I knew the liquor would help.”

“I feel all warm and tingly.”

“Do you want me to drop you off?” I ask, looking at the glazed expression in his eyes from one shot of Goldschläger.

“Yeah, that'd be good.”

 

thirteen

Gideon

I feel weird as I walk up Maddie's front steps. Extra weird.

I've decided after my conversation with Ezra and my gold-filled shot that I'm going to go with my instincts and get shitfaced drunk tonight. It's on my high school bucket list, and it's definitely not anything I've ever done before. But this seems like a good time to give it a try. My life is kind of in shambles anyway.

I ring the doorbell and Maddie answers a second later.

“Hey, Gideon.”

“Hey, Maddie.”

I hand her a platter of Rice Krispies Treats.

“You didn't have to bring anything.”

“My mom totally insisted when I said I was coming over here. It was easier to let her make them than to argue with her.”

“I totally get that.”

“I didn't want to raise any suspicions.”

“Another good point,” she says. “Come on, everyone is out back.”

Out back at Maddie's means hanging out on her screened-in porch. It's kind of the perfect night for that.

When she said everyone, she meant everyone. I'm the last person to arrive, which immediately makes me feel like everyone was talking about me before I got here.

That's a terrible feeling.

They greet me with various levels of enthusiasm. I honestly don't think I'd be here right now if Kyle hadn't pulled me aside to make sure I was going to come tonight. But I have no backbone when it comes to him. At least not anymore.

I take the last seat at the table between Buster and Sawyer.

“Do you want a drink, Gideon?” Maddie asks.

“Um, yeah. I guess just a beer is fine.”

“And Gideon's mom made Rice Krispies Treats,” she says, placing them at the center of the table.

Buster makes a mad grab for one. “Are there M&M's in there?”

I shake my head.

“That's cool, still delicious.”

“Yeah, sorry I couldn't get ahold of any booze,” I say, even though if I'd been thinking more clearly I probably could have convinced Ezra to stop and buy some on the way over here. He seemed more invested in my social life than I ever would have guessed possible.

“No worries, we have plenty,” Ruby says, nodding at the folding table set up behind me. There are three or four different liquors along with a bunch of different mixers, and underneath is an ice chest with beer.

“That's a lot for just eight of us,” I say, picking up a beer.

“Well, better get drinking,” Buster says, slapping my knee.

I take a sip of my beer and almost spit it out. “This is—”

“Not the best,” Kyle says. “We know. But it was cheap and it was all Buster's sister was willing to get us, because we didn't have enough money for anything decent.”

“And she refused to chip in even a couple bucks.”

“I could have given you guys some money.”

“Now you tell us,” Buster says. “Just chug it real fast.”

“Or I'll drink it. I don't mind,” Kyle says. I hand him the bottle and he takes a long pull. My mind instantly goes to the fact that his lips are touching where my lips just touched.

“You want to try something awesome?” Ruby asks.

“Like what?”

“I like to call it National Velvet. It's amaretto and Dr. Pepper.”

“Sounds smooth,” I say. And it is. It tastes like candy and instantly makes me feel a little warmer, a little happier. I know that I'm not drunk yet, even with the shot of Goldschläger I took at home, but it's nice to feel something else besides kind of bored and sort of sad. Those have been my go-to emotions lately.

Half the people at the table are playing poker, but the other half are just watching and chatting idly; it's kind of nice.

I drink my first National Velvet fast and get up for another.

“Have you ever been drunk before, Gideon?” Ruby asks. She's standing at the booze table, mixing a drink for herself.

“Definitely not,” I tell her.

“You want another one?”

“Hell yes,” I say, handing over my cup to her. “I want to get drunk tonight. It seems like a good idea. You know, since I never have been. And I can just walk home from here. I don't have to worry about getting lost or anything.”

“I think you might already be a little tipsy,” she says, handing me back my cup.

“I feel a little warm,” I say, making more intense eye contact than I really mean to. “My brother gave me a shot of something with gold chunks in it before I left the house.”

She laughs but then turns away from me. For a second I forgot that we're in a standoff.

I notice Kyle gets up to go to the bathroom. A few seconds later, when nobody's paying attention, I decide to follow him. I lurk in the hallway outside and try not to listen to him pee.

“Listen, Kyle,” I say when he walks out of the bathroom. “You know, I just want everything to be okay between us.”