Been Here All Along (7 page)

“Sorry that took so long,” he says to her. Then he turns to me like he just noticed I was here. “How's it going, Ezra? Gideon told me you were back, but I haven't seen you around much.”

“Yeah, I've been hiding in my cave,” I say seriously.

“Well, it's good to see you,” he says.

I have to wonder if he could sense there was a little vibe going on between Ruby and me while we were waiting for them. Personally, I can't help but notice there's something going on between Gideon and Kyle. Like they were just telling secrets. They're never this quiet around each other. Unless it's for Ruby's benefit. That's gotta be a weird dynamic. It's never fun to be the third wheel.

I consider for a moment hanging out with them, but Gideon's hooking up the PS4 and Ruby and Kyle are talking. They don't need me. I head up to my room for another round of reruns on cable instead.

 

seven

Gideon

After way too many hours spent playing video games, Kyle and Ruby leave and I clean up the family room. My parents went out for dinner a little while ago and Ezra is still upstairs in his cave, and it's kind of nice to be alone to think.

About halfway through the afternoon I started thinking about how guilty I feel about my list of things that are wrong with Kyle. I stop cleaning and realize that the binder I wrote the list in has been sitting under the couch for the past week.

I fish it out and flip the pages to the terrible, horrible, really mean list.

I read it over again and my stomach turns. Now that I know he's having trouble in school, some of the stuff on here feels even more harsh and personal. Like I'm mocking his hard time. There's only one solution.

Kill it with fire.

I grab the grill lighter from the junk drawer in the kitchen and go out to the back deck. I'm looking around for a metal bucket that my mom keeps out here for gardening when Ezra comes out behind me.

“Why did you leave the door open? It's freaking freezing out here!” he says, rubbing his arms.

“You have thin California blood now. It's fifty-seven degrees outside, which is really pretty nice for New Jersey in April.”

“Shut up,” he says. He notices the lighter and the piece of paper. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing,” I say, even though it's obviously a lie.

“Sure, sure,” he says, about to reach for the list.

“Don't touch that.”

He holds his hands up in surrender. “So, what's the deal with Ruby?”

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“Are you into her?” he asks.

“She's dating Kyle.”

“Doesn't mean you can't be into her,” he says as he folds his arms and leans against the doorjamb.

“The fact that I'm gay does,” I mutter. It's out in the air before I'm even fully aware of what I'm saying. I slap a hand over my mouth instinctively and look up at Ezra, whose jaw is basically on the floor.

“Jesus Christ,” Ezra says.

“He doesn't have anything to do with this,” I say, trying my best to regain my composure. I rub my hands over my face and turn to give him my full attention. “I actually only recently realized it.”

“That's a pretty big deal, Giddyup.”

“It's not really.”

“Did you tell Mom and Dad yet?”

“No.”

“Can I be there when you do? Because let's be real, they're going to be so excited. Mom especially. I'm sure she has a list of guys she could set you up with.”

I can't help but grin because he's so right. “So you should know that you're kind of the first person I've told.”

“Seriously? Me?”

“Yes. Why would I lie about that?” I ask, finally finding the bucket under the deck steps.

“Fair point,” he says.

I crush the offensive list in a ball and toss it in the bucket. Then I lean over and set that sucker on fire with the long-handled lighter.

“So is this some kind of ritual burning?” Ezra asks. “Some kind of hazing to get you into the gay guy club?”

I look at him and then back at the little fire that's already burning itself out. I think about telling him about Kyle, about the list, about everything I'm dealing with. I'm not there yet. Maybe when I am, Ezra would be a good person to talk to. But for now, I go along with his jokes.

“Yes. I am now a full-fledged member of what is technically the Order of Men Who Love Other Men.”

“Ah yes, OMWLOM. Very prestigious.”

I dump out the ash that's in the bucket, and then Ezra and I head back inside, where he forces me to watch a marathon of classic eighties TV shows.

But not before I hide the binder safely away in the Monopoly box under my bed.

Ruby

The second I get home, I know something is wrong. My parents sit at our kitchen table, their faces gray with worry.

“We'll talk in the morning,” my mom says, shooing me in the direction of the bedroom I share with my little sister. My brothers, David and Marco, share one, and Diana and I share the other. My parents sleep on a pullout couch in the living room. They say it's not so bad, but I know they're lying.

I sit down across from them.

“Can we please talk now?” I say. “This just doesn't seem to be the time to start treating me like a little kid.”

My dad shows me a memo from his job. They're cutting third shift. His shift.

“What does this mean? Can you get a different job? Move to a different time or something?” I ask, knowing even as I say the words that they wouldn't look so worried if that was a possibility.

My dad shakes his head.

I chew my lip and look around my house. It's nothing like Gideon's, that's for damn sure.

“I know what you're thinking,” my mom says. “And don't you worry about it. We have it all under control.”

“I could get a job,” I offer.

“No,” my dad says quickly.

“Why not? I'm eighteen. I should be working anyway.”

“You need to concentrate on school,” my mom says, the old refrain. No matter how hard things get, they're always so much more worried about me getting good grades than how much I could be helping with money.

“But—”

My dad cuts me off. “We're going to need more help watching the kids. Mom's going to get a second job, and I'm going to take whatever I can as soon as I can.”

I swallow hard.

“And we'll cut wherever we can,” he adds.

There's not much more to cut
, I think but don't say out loud. Things have been lean around here for a while, which makes me wonder how long he's known this might be a possibility.

After a few more minutes, I go to bed. But I don't sleep.

 

eight

Gideon

I make my way up the front walk at Kyle's house, and he must have been watching for me. He yanks open his front door and without a word, I shove my license into his hands.

“Awesome,” he says. “Now you can drive sometimes.”

“I can drive sometimes if and when my parents ever get me a car.”

“Is there an estimate for that?”

“When my mom finally picks out a new car, I get her current one. But she claims that I can borrow it whenever, since she works from home.”

Kyle nods appreciatively and we walk into the kitchen, where we collect every potential snack food and head down into the basement.

“You ready for this?” he asks.

“I was born ready.”

“Oh yeah, happy birthday, or whatever.”

“Thanks or whatever,” I say.

We settle in to watch the first movie. We tend not to talk too much during the first few hours of it. It's become almost a spiritual thing between us.

“There's nothing wrong with this movie,” Kyle says, restarting a conversation that we've had a million times, to the point where we each have our own set of lines and cues as we discuss it.

“Absolutely not. It's basically a masterpiece.”

“It's just, some of the acting…”

“It's so over the top,” I say, finishing his sentence as I always do.

At that moment on-screen Frodo is kicking Boromir's ass.

“I can't handle it when he looks up and pushes his hair back from his face,” Kyle says, giggling.

“Frodo,” I say, in a near-perfect imitation of Boromir. I honestly couldn't tell you if anyone else on earth finds this as funny as we do, but in the grand scheme of things, that doesn't matter. What matters is that we find it hilarious.

By the time we finish the first one, we've eaten all the snacks we brought down and decide to order a pizza.

“So where are your parents?” I ask while we wait for it to arrive. It seemed sort of dumb to get into
The Two Towers
if we were just going to get interrupted by the doorbell twenty minutes in.

“They took my sisters into the city to see some show.”

“Well that was super nice of them,” I say as the doorbell rings, signaling the arrival of our pizza.

“I love these extended editions. I don't know why they didn't just do the extended editions in the movies,” I say.

“I love that you talk about this so authoritatively, as if you weren't three when the movies were in the theaters.”

“I can have opinions about anything I want to have opinions about,” I reply.

“My opinion is that Elijah Wood is supercute.” This is the first time Kyle has ever mentioned being attracted to someone who even remotely looks like me. And I'm not saying I look like Elijah Wood, but I am short and dark-haired. It's just nice to hear about someone besides Chris Evans.

We make it through the second movie, agreeing as usual that Gimli is the best part and the Tree Ents are weird but cool. Kyle runs upstairs to warm up the pizza and when he comes back down, he sits a little closer to me on the sofa.

When we finish our next slices and lean back on the couch, our shoulders are touching, and they stay that way for almost the entirety of the third movie. I can barely watch. I can only think about that little bit of contact.

At least until we get to the epilogues.

Kyle starts sniffling next to me, so I look over at him.

“I'm sorry!” he says, wiping his eyes and then crossing his arms. “I just really like how they weave all this together at the end. And it's really about friendship, you know?”

I hold his gaze for a beat too long and can't deny the fact that I kind of feel like kissing him.

He's just so Kyle-earnest and sensitive and kind.

I bite my bottom lip, but I don't look away. I have to close my eyes for a second, though, because it's all too much. I don't understand what's happening.

I open my eyes and his gaze is locked on mine, like he had taken the opportunity to observe me while my eyes were closed.

“Have I ever told you that I think you look like Elijah Wood?”

I laugh in surprise and glance away. “You have definitely never mentioned that.”

We make eye contact again and he still looks a little sad, like his eyes are sort of wet, but he's also smiling. He surveys my face, and more than anything I want to know what he's thinking. I want to know what would happen if I leaned in and put my lips gently on his. Of course, my whole body chooses that moment to betray me and I actually do lean in a little.

He blushes. His jaw drops and his eyes trail away.

But I recover by making a big production of pulling my phone out of my pocket. There's a pretty good chance that was the slickest thing I've ever done. Because for a second there, it looked like I was trying to kiss him.

I take a look at my phone and have a text from Ruby.

Weird.

Ruby

Things have gone from bad to worse at my house during the past twenty-four hours. My parents told my sister and brothers about my dad losing his job. I don't know that they all really understand what's happening, but I think they can tell by our parents' expressions that it's hard times at the Vasquez house.

Not that we've ever been living in the lap of luxury, but this is above and beyond what we're used to. I didn't even bother asking about college yet, even though it's all I can think about. Something told me that it wasn't the right time to bring it up. I'm not going anywhere impressive, just to the rinky-dink state university about a half hour away. I have an academic scholarship at least. But up until now, I had every intention of living on campus. That probably won't happen anymore.

I pick up my phone, thinking I should call Kyle and tell him everything. That would make me feel so much better. Except even as I'm about to scroll to his number, I remember that he and Gideon are hanging out together.

And then I remember the lists.

The lists that I totally forgot about until right this second. Guess I'm not as nosy as I thought. I take a quick scroll through the pictures, and there are twelve lists in total.

Most of them don't seem very interesting. I scan for the to-do list I saw last time. There are only a few things on it, and a lot of them are crossed off.

Gideon is gay, and very in the closet.

And not only that, but he's in love with my boyfriend and his best friend.

I know too much. I should delete these lists and never think about them again.

Any other time in my life I might actually have been sympathetic to this issue and done exactly that. But jealousy starts bubbling up in my stomach. I'm always so nice to Gideon. I'm always encouraging Kyle to spend more time with him and to be a good friend and all that crap. And this is how Gideon repays me?

How long has he had feelings for Kyle?

Does Kyle know? Is that why he finally told me he's bi, because he's thinking about breaking up with me for Gideon? Is he preparing me for that inevitability?

Gideon has everything already. His parents are rich; he'll have no trouble getting into whatever college he wants, not to mention he won't have to worry about affording it. Now on top of that he wants my boyfriend, too? I can't handle it.