Been Here All Along (21 page)

I find out that Ezra had the binder and that Ruby made sure Kyle got a chance to read it. But if there's anything I know about Kyle, it's that when something bothers him, more than anything he needs to be left alone to hide in a blanket burrito for a while. We were friends for a long time, until I ruined it by being an idiot.

The student council election is coming up soon, and I totally assume I'll lose. But I have to hope people are more forgiving than I expect them to be.

School kind of sucks without Kyle to talk to; I miss him a lot. I know I should probably try one more time to talk to him, but I don't want to rush him. Maybe he'll get so bored one day this summer that he'll just hop the fence and come sit on the deck with me out of nowhere.

That would be ideal.

I'm just really sad that we're not going to do everything we planned. Like we were going to go to Great Adventure over Memorial Day weekend and the Junior Dance a couple of weeks later. I hate that none of that is going to happen now.

The day before student council elections, I get home from school late. Really, really late, because I wanted to wallpaper the whole school with my slogan and posters. My parents are out for dinner and Ezra is sitting in the dark in the family room, watching
Teen Mom
.

“Hey Giddyup. There's something on the deck for you,” he says.

“Like what?” I ask, glancing outside into the falling darkness.

“I don't know. Go look,” he says, staring zombielike at the TV. He has a date with Ruby this weekend, and I'm trying not to think about how weird that is.

When I go out onto the deck, my navy-blue binder is sitting on the table. I know it's mine because there's a star on the cover that I drew with a silver Sharpie. I open the cover but I can't really see anything, so I wave my hands around to make the motion-sensor light go on. Then I sit down to read.

I've had this for a couple of weeks and I've made some edits to it. I hope you like it and you understand my vision. And my handwriting. God, I have terrible handwriting.

My smile cannot be contained. It's been almost two weeks since I communicated more than a brief “hi” to Kyle in the halls, and it's so relieving to hear from him, even if it's only a little note.

Every page after that has Kyle's messy scrawl on it, crossing things out and making funny asides.

The last page is a list written by Kyle. I get the feeling he's been working on it for a while, off and on, because a lot of the items are written in different-colored inks.

Things Most People Might Not Appreciate about Gideon, but I Do:

1. He writes terrible lists about people sometimes, but he means well.

2. He's short but fits perfectly in the crook of my neck. Also, he could still grow. Lots of guys grow even in college.

3. His hair is cute and curly even though some people might say it looks like a sponge. Maybe a sea sponge, because they're adorable.

4. He enjoys a good Disney movie. He enjoys bad Disney movies, too.

5. He uses big words, but I never have to be nervous about asking what they mean.

6. He knows when to back off and just let me be alone for a little while.

As I finish reading the list, there's the unmistakable sound of Kyle hopping over the fence behind me and I stand up to face him.

He has his hands in his pockets, but I notice for the first time in a long time he's not hunching his shoulders, as if for once he doesn't care if anyone notices just how tall he is. He leans against the deck railing while I stay by the table. I'm a little overwhelmed by his appearance.

“So, what do you think of those changes?” he asks.

“I like them. I think they work.”

“Excellent.” He smiles and takes a step toward me.

“So we can be friends again?”

He opens and closes his mouth.

“Or not. We don't have to be anything. I don't want to pressure you.”

“No, it's not that,” he says, shaking his head and taking another step toward me, this one longer and more confident. But he keeps his eyes locked on the deck floorboards. “I don't want to be friends anymore. I kind of liked the whole not-being-friends thing.”

“Oh,” I say, not getting it yet.

“I like the boyfriend thing. I think we were pretty good at that,” he says, lifting his eyes toward mine and smiling.

“Oh,” I repeat, feeling my shoulders deflate in relief. “I liked that thing, too.”

“I'm sorry it took me so long to get here.”

“No way. I'm sorry that I wrote any of that. And I'm sorry you had to see it and I'm sorry—”

He cuts me off by closing the distance between us and pressing his mouth to mine. I lose track of everything and anything I was about to say. Nothing even matters except for his lips on mine. I fist my hands in his T-shirt and have no clue how long this even goes on, except it's long enough that the motion-sensor light turns off.

We both pull back and laugh.

“I wish there were lightning bugs,” I say, looking out into the yard. “When was the last time you caught a lightning bug?”

“It feels like about a million years ago. Even if it was actually more like middle school.” He puts his arm around my waist.

“They're so easy to catch,” I say, leaning my head on his shoulder.

“You were always such a pain about them. You'd never let me capture them and keep them in my room. You'd make us release them at the end of the night.”

“And then sometimes Ezra would hit them with a baseball bat.”

“You should have just let us keep them safe in jars! So many lightning bug lives would have been spared,” Kyle says.

“I wasn't that logical as a child. I just was kind of creeped out by the idea of them living inside. I could swear that I would hear them light up, and it scared me.”

“I always kind of loved that about you. That you weren't very logical. You still aren't always very logical.”

“For the record, I am a very logical person,” I say.

“Sure you are,” Kyle says, nodding.

“There's lots of stuff I love about you.”

“Oh man, I didn't know this was a competition,” he says, letting go of me and shaking out his arms like we're about to wrestle or something. “I was not informed that we were bringing out the big guns.”

“Oh, I can bring out the big guns,” I say.

“Let's hear it then. Big guns, go,” Kyle says.

“I love that you just turned this conversation into a competition.” Our faces get closer and closer with each sentiment, like we're playing a game of kissing chicken, but it doesn't matter because we're both going to win in the end.

“I love that you know when to ask if I need help.”

“I love that you edited my Kyle notebook,” I say.

“I love how you read ridiculously long books and then recommend them to me even though you know I'll never touch them.”

“I just want to share good literature with you!”

“I love that you—” Kyle starts.

I cut him off by planting a loud kiss on his lips, which throws him into a fit of giggles and he nearly trips over his own feet.

“I love that you did that,” he says.

“Well, yeah. Apparently we both love lots of stuff.”

“Seems like it,” he says with a shrug before pulling me in for a longer, deeper kiss.

I guess that's how it's going to be with Kyle and me from now on.

 

Acknowledgments

Thank you, as always, to the Swoon Reads staff. As a whole, you never fail to give me the warm fuzzies. Particular thanks to Jean Feiwel, Kathryn Little, and Caitlyn Sweeny. And of course to Nicole Banholzer for all of her excellent “publicist-ing.”

Big, big thank-yous to the Trifecta of Awesome, Holly West, Lauren Scobell, and Emily Settle for being there at the inception of this book. To Holly for telling me about her ideal YA novel, Lauren for pulling us into her office to watch the video, and Emily for having random knowledge about high school basketball camp at the moment I needed it most.

To Lauren Velella, who always finds the time to read every draft (unless it's October) and always answers the phone when I need to babble. To Shayla Flournoy for reading this story while it was still in flux but for loving these boys anyway. To Rachel Schaffer for spending a long Saturday afternoon explaining Passover to me via e-mail.

Last, but never least, thank you to my family for their unwavering support. I would have never made it this far without them.

 

Humans That Kyle Kaminsky Finds Attractive

(Yeah, we'll start with the humans and save the inanimate objects for a separate list.)
(I am not attracted to inanimate objects.)

 1.
Chris Evans (Obvious. I expect more creativity in the rest of the list.)
(YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WROTE HIM IN. He just happened to be the first male person I found attractive.)

 2. Elijah Wood
(Now you're simply kissing my ass.)
(Ignoring you.)

 3. Demi Lovato
(Makes sense. She's aesthetically pleasing.)
(Thanks.)

 4. Ben Savage
(Because he reminds me of Gideon.)

 5.
Gideon (Because he reminds you of Ben Savage.)
(Stop taking over my list. We'll do a list for you next.)

 7. Alia Shawkat (Because she also reminds me of Gideon.)
(I feel like she'd be offended by that on the off chance she ever met me. And if you told her she reminded you of me.)
(Whatever.)

 8. Ruby
(Still?)
(If this is a list of people I find attractive, then yes. I still think she's attractive.)
(Fair enough.)

 9.
Harry Styles
(Kyle. NO.)
(KYLE. YES. You can cross him out all you want. I'll make him every name on the rest of this list.)

10.
Harry Styles

11. Harry Styles
(Terrible.)
(Could be worse.)
(Do I even want to know?)
(Could be Justin Bieber.)

People Gideon Berko Finds Attractive

1. Kyle

2. Kyle

3. Kyle

4. Kyle

5. Kyle

6. Kyle

7. Kyle

8. Kyle

9. Kyle

10. That guy from One Direction who is cuter than Harry Styles.
(No such thing.)
(YES SUCH THING. The other one. You know, Larry.)
(There is no Larry.)
(They talk about Larry on the Internet all the time.)
(Who is this “they”? There's Liam, Louis, Niall, and Harry. Zayn left the group.)
(WHY DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT ONE DIRECTION?)
(Because I am a human with ears and emotions. And I have two younger sisters.)
(You're sure there's not a Larry?)
(YES.)

 

A Coffee Date

with author
Sandy Hall
and her editor, Holly West

“Getting to Know You (a Little More!)”

Holly West (HW): What is your favorite childhood memory?

Sandy Hall
(SH): I'm number three out of four kids and my older brother and sister were nine and eleven when I was born, so anytime they were around was the BEST TIME EVER. Like, no offense to my younger brother, Sean, but when Karen and Scott came on trips or on family outings, it always felt like way more fun.

HW: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

SH: I got glasses when I was in first grade and basically wanted to be an optometrist for the next five years. Until I found out you had to go to medical school.

HW: What's your favorite scene from Lord of the Rings (or
The Hobbit
)?

SH: I'm a really big fan of the Smeagol scene at the beginning of
Return of the King
. I hadn't read the books before seeing the movies (I can hear all the Tolkien fans groaning in the distance. I AM SORRY!), so this was super-interesting backstory. And an unexpectedly light moment in what was going to be a dark movie. At least until Smeagol killed his friend.

HW: Gideon and Kyle are such huge Lord of the Rings fans that they learned how to write Elvish. What is the oddest/coolest/most involved thing you've ever done for a fandom?

SH: I just did a little math, and I have something like half a million words of fanfiction floating around on the Internet. Definitely the most involved thing.