Been Here All Along (19 page)

And it is a text, with a picture of a list. The text says “Pass it on,” and the list is written in neat penmanship on binder paper.

I zoom in. It's Gideon's handwriting. I would know it anywhere.

The title of the list is “Everything That's Wrong with Kyle.” The first thing on the list is
He's too tall
. I almost start to laugh, because it's gotta be some kind of joke. I mean, obviously I'm tall. But is there really such a thing as
too tall
? Does Gideon really think that of me?

My throat tightens as I continue reading.
He's really awkward sometimes.
I lick my lips and try to swallow. I skim a bit more. Then I get to one that says,
He's not as smart as me
. That one hurts. That hurts a lot. But not as much as the one after it.
When I gave him the Lord of the Rings trilogy to read, he said he just “couldn't get into it.” I even tried to get him to read
The Hobbit
and he wouldn't. And that's practically a kids' book.

I toss the phone away like it's hot and try to understand what I was just reading. Buster looks at me like he's a dog that just had an accident on a new carpet.

“Dude,” he says.

I rub my eyes with the heels of my hands until I see spots and that weird kaleidoscope of colors that usually makes me feel better. But it doesn't help.

“Are you okay?”

I shake my head. I definitely am not. I am really, really not okay.

“Did, uh, do you think, um, did Gideon write that?”

I look over at him and nod. “Who sent it to you?” I ask.

“Looks like some chick from my Spanish class. I wonder how long it's been going around,” he says, tapping at his phone.

“Is it in a group text?” I ask.

“Yeah, a bunch of numbers, but I don't know any of them.” He scrolls.

My hands are shaking, but I don't even know what I'm feeling. It's all one big blur of anger, shame, embarrassment, sadness. How could Gideon do this to me? After I told him everything that's been going on lately. He writes a list and takes a picture and just texts it out to people?

I must say this out loud because Buster answers. “It's not from Gideon, though.”

“I know. But the ‘pass it on' thing, it had to start somewhere.”

“Yeah” is all Buster says. He's obviously not going to be much help here.

“I gotta go,” I tell him.

“Yeah, I get it. See you, bro.”

He walks me downstairs, looking at me like he's worried I might try to dive out a window or something.

“You gonna be okay?”

I shrug. I don't say what I'm thinking, which is that I probably won't be okay. This is all very not okay. “Can you text me that list?”

“Sure, if you really want me to.” He looks at his phone and sends it.

“Thanks, man.”

I head to my car and barely close the door before I start to cry.

Ezra

I'm talking to one of the young wives, flirting pretty obviously, pretending I'm on
Mad Men
or some shit, when Kyle comes bursting through the back door.

And believe me, it's pretty hard to burst through a sliding door. But somehow he manages it.

His nose is all red and his eyes are kind of glassy. Something is very wrong.

“Where's Gideon?”

“I think up in his room. He was going to find his phone because he missed you.”

Kyle rolls his eyes.

“What's…” He gestures toward the front of the house.

“Parental cocktail party.” I gesture at his face. “What's, uh, happening here?”

“Nothing good,” he mutters. Then he moves fast down the hallway, threading between bodies and racing for the stairs, as much as you can race in a crowd.

Something is definitely wrong.

 

twenty-two

Kyle

I didn't realize there was a party going on at the Berkos'. That's how angry I was and still am. I made it all the way down the street and into their house without noticing the millions of cars everywhere, without seeing that all the lights were on downstairs.

After Ezra tells me where Gideon is, I weave my way through the party and up the stairs. I take a deep breath at the door to his room. It's half open, but my manners get the better of me and I knock on it once.

“Gideon,” I call through the door.

“Hey,” he says, pulling it open. “I was just about to text you.” He smiles like he didn't do anything wrong. Like he didn't write a list of everything that sucks about me.

Like that list isn't completely true.

But that's not the point. Neither your best friend nor your boyfriend should ever make a list about you like that. It's not how it's supposed to be.

I step into his room and close the door behind me.

“We need to talk,” I say, barely containing my rage, trying to keep my voice low so I don't disturb the party downstairs.

His face is confused and my hands flex involuntarily, like they want to touch him, but I can't. I can't let myself. He doesn't deserve anything from me.

“What's up?”

“What do you know about this?” I ask, pulling my phone out of my pocket and showing him the picture.

“Oh my God,” he says. “What is this? Where did you get this?”

“I'm pretty sure you know what it is. Considering you wrote it.”

To his credit, he looks sick to his stomach.

“Where did it come from?” he asks, looking up at me. His face is pale.

“Someone sent it to Buster.” I grab the phone from him. “So you're not going to deny writing it or anything?”

“This isn't what you think it is. It's not what it looks like. I didn't—”

“Except you did,” I say, interrupting.

“I didn't write it for anyone else to see. I wrote it when I'd just realized I liked you and I was trying to talk myself out of it.”

“By being nasty? By saying mean things about me?”

“I'm not saying it was the best idea.”

“You can't even just admit that this was shitty.”

“It's out of context. There was more to it. It wasn't just about me trying to belittle you. You don't understand.”

“Of course I don't understand. I'm bad at reading and I'm not as smart as you.”

He stands up, as if he only now realized that we're having a fight and he's not going to take it sitting down.

“That's not at all what I said, and you know it.”

“It's not what you said? Maybe I should read to you from the list. To refresh your memory.” I pull my phone back out and read aloud. “‘Everything that's wrong with Kyle. Number one, he's too tall.'”

Gideon tries to grab the phone from me, but I hold it up high and he would have to jump to even attempt to reach it. He's far too composed to ever do something that ridiculous.

“Hmm, guess I am too tall.”

To my shock, Gideon does try to jump up and grab it, going so far as to stand on his bed and make a leap for it.

“Just delete it and let me explain,” he says.

“No. I'm going to keep it forever so that if I start to mistakenly think you're an okay person, I can take it out and reread it. And you know, anytime I'm feeling really good about myself, I'll take it out and make sure I know that I suck. That I'm awkward and stupid and have a limited vocabulary and play too many video games.”

“I really didn't mean any of that,” he says, his voice cracking. “Let me show you the other things I wrote. That's just one thing. I was feeling so terrible and I didn't want to like you. I wanted to be friends with you and not ruin everything.”

“Oh well, sure, the best way to do that is to write a really mean list. I totally understand now. It must have been my stupidity getting in the way.”

“It's not what you think,” he says.

“Maybe I should make a list about you. Gideon is short and too smart for his own good and walks like he has a stick up his ass.”

He crosses his arms. “That's all completely fair.”

I wish I could come up with more mean things to say about him, but of course in the moment my mind goes completely blank. Probably because I'm stupid, so instead I go back to his list.

“Just explain one thing to me: Who texted it?”

“I don't know. I guess Ruby.”

“Ruby? How did Ruby know about it?” I can't shake the picture of Gideon and Ruby hanging out together, talking about me and laughing about how dumb I am.

“She was here one day, when we were playing Grand Theft Auto, and she found the binder where I made all these lists about liking you and not liking you and figuring out whether I was gay or whatever. She took pictures of them. I wasn't even out yet, but then she texted me a picture of one of the lists and kind of held it over my head.”

“And now after all this time she just decides to text this one, terrible list?”

“I don't know. I'm not a mind reader. I thought she deleted the pictures.”

There's a knock on the door.

“Boys?” Mrs. Berko says. “Are you okay in there? You're getting a little noisy.”

Gideon opens the door. “We're in the middle of something, Ma.”

“Well, we're in the middle of something downstairs, so maybe you guys could stop yelling.”

“We'll be quieter,” Gideon says.

“Actually, you don't have to worry about it, Mrs. Berko. I'm leaving.”

“I'm sorry I didn't get to speak with you, Kyle,” she says. “I feel like I barely see you now that you boys are together.”

When she smiles, she looks so much like Gideon it pinches somewhere in my chest. I can't believe how messed up everything is.

I smile back, even though I'm sure it looks fake.

“I really should get going,” I say.

“Wait,” Gideon says.

I turn back and shake my head. “There's nothing else to say.”

I leave Gideon looking stunned and his mother staring at him. I bolt down the stairs and out the front door without looking back.

There's nothing else for me there.

I never expected Gideon to be the one who would ruin it.

Gideon

I guess nightmares can come true.

But I never even had a nightmare about this. I never for one second thought anyone else would ever see that list about Kyle. And yet, here we are.

My mom just stands there looking at me. “Are you okay?” she asks.

“We had a fight,” I say.

“Yes. I can see that.”

“I'm sorry we disturbed the party.”

She puts a hand on my shoulder. “You weren't really that loud. I just got worried because I could tell Kyle was upset and then I could hear your voices getting angry. It was a mother's intuition.”

“I really messed up.”

“I'm sure you can fix it.”

“You don't have to stay here. You can go back to the party.”

“Not if you need to talk,” she says.

I take a deep breath. “Actually, what I really need to do is find this binder, but I'll let you know if I need to talk.”

“You got it,” she says. Then she pulls me in for a tight Mom hug, and for a second I just let myself be squeezed.

When she leaves, I dive under my bed, searching for my secret hiding place. When I open the Monopoly box, it's gone. But I could have sworn that's the last place I put it.

I start tearing my room apart. Maybe I moved it while I was sleepwalking or something. I have to find that binder and show it to Kyle in context. There's so much more to it than just that list.

Then I remember that the list doesn't even exist anymore.

I need him to listen to me, so I can explain. But I can't explain unless I find the binder.

I think about all my “safe” hiding places.

While I do that, I attempt to justify the list to myself. I was in such a bad mood that night, and I wanted to forget about liking Kyle. It seems so fruitless and unrealistic. It's a terrible list. It's malicious and nasty and not like anything I actually feel.

But it sucks that he saw it, because everything on that list is true. He knows it. And the truth hurts. Everything he said about me is true, too. I know he was just lashing out, but I almost wish he had said more. I deserve it after everything he saw on that list. Maybe if he ever speaks to me again, I'll tell him to make a list about me. Maybe that will make us even.

I look under my bed and through all my school stuff. I check the back of my closet with all my extra binders, in case I decided to put it away. I go through my desk and my dresser, and then I check the same places over again.

It's nowhere to be found.

It's after midnight when I slump on my bed and look at the clock. I have a bunch of texts from other people, asking me if I've seen the list going around about Kyle and was I really the one who wrote it. Maddie seems particularly angry about the whole thing. Probably because she has such a soft spot for Kyle.

I know the party has died down. The only noises from downstairs are the clatter and shuffle of my parents cleaning up. I should go help them, but I feel so exhausted.

I lie down on my bed fully clothed and fall into a fitful sleep.

 

twenty-three

Ruby

I think I need new friends.

This whole thing with Gideon and Kyle is all over school on Monday, and everyone is either super pissed or, worse, really happy about it. I can't handle any of it. I just want to go hide under a rock.

I spend most of the day avoiding Lilah and Lauren. I told Lilah to delete the pictures. It wasn't any of our business.

But the worst feeling is knowing that I should have deleted them myself a long time ago. I shouldn't have ever taken the pictures to begin with. I hate being the kind of person who wants to have something in her back pocket to use against someone else. When did I become that person? I don't like her.