Before I Break (12 page)

She leaned down to give me a kiss over the blanket. “Goodnight, honey. I hope you feel better tomorrow.

Even though I didn’t tell her, I was sure I was going to be okay.

The next two weeks were absolutely amazing. Things for me seemed to be turning around, not that it was really unexpected. Mom said that we all were just “in a funk” and that was no joke. Thankfully the funk was over.

Melissa and I got back together after some careful talking and working things through. When I told her about what my mom said, she asked me if I agreed with my mother. After telling her I did, and that my mom and I were going to try to figure this homosexuality thing out together, Melissa offered to help.

Even after being banned from seeing him, Avery and I became friends again, and I could tell he was genuinely happy about it. I was happy, too, but it felt different now. Everything felt kind of different, not just with him.

Melissa and I were together.

He and I were friends.

Mom and Dad weren’t fighting.

What was going on here? My life had just taken a total turnaround and back in less than a week that this seemed so unexpected. But Mom told me funks happened.

Since we became banned from our church, Melissa, Avery and I came up with an idea that we wanted to propose to my mother for all of us to do. Dad was out at work and the three of us were sitting in the living room, waiting for Mom to come downstairs after her shower. I sat in the middle of them on the couch and felt a little weird about doing this.

“Are you okay?” Melissa asked me. “About asking your mom of this? We don’t have to, you know. It was your idea.”

The truth was, it really
was
my idea, but that didn’t necessarily make it a good one. There was so much change going on with me at this point in my life right now that it was overwhelming. Three weeks ago I would never have been doing this.

“I know it was my idea,” I told her. “I’m positive that I want to do this. We need to find some answers, don’t you think.”

“If this is for me…you don’t have to,” Avery said. There was a genuine sadness in his voice that kind of struck me in the heart, making me feel like I’d done something wrong.

“It’s not for you,” I replied honestly. “Well, it’s not
just
for you, anyway. It’s something that we all need to do, don’t you think? If we want to believe in something, we need to have our reasoning behind it, and we will if we do this.”

“Do what?”

We all turned to find my mother standing there, a hand on her hip and head tilted to the side in wonder. Her long, dark hair was pulled out of her ponytail for the first time in weeks, showing her beauty, despite being as old as dinosaurs.

Just kidding. I think.

“We need to talk,” I told her, standing up to face her directly. “Wednesday is tomorrow and we came up with an idea that we want you to be a part of, since we can’t really go back to church…”

Even though my mother had forgiven me, I could tell she was a little angry with me still. Avoiding confrontation was like her, though, so she asked, “What do you need, sweetie?”

Avery and Melissa nodded for me to go on.

“Remember that talk we had about two weeks ago? In my room?” She nodded in curiosity and I said, “We were thinking about trying to start a Bible Study of sorts, but a…LGBT friendly group. We want everyone to be welcome. Is that okay with you?”

Mom smiled brightly and said, “Why wouldn’t it be okay with me? You know me better than that. So what does this have to do with me?”

“We want you to run it,” Melissa said, standing up as well. “To be our Pastor of sorts. We like your opinion on the matter of…well, everything in the Bible, and we don’t know enough to do it ourselves. We just know what’s been told to us, and as you’ve recently pointed out, it’s not all entirely true.”

“I don’t know,” my mom replied, seeming suddenly shy. “I don’t want to interrupt the teens with my elderly self.”

“You’re not old,” I laughed, silently thinking about the inner joke I had made in my head moments before. “Listen, we want you to do this for us, but we’re not going to beg. We all need something to do, and I think this would be a great way to make Avery feel accepted.”

Avery nodded but didn’t say I word, shying away from my mom.

“Is this going to be a strictly youth group?” she asked Melissa.

“No, Mrs. Hayes, it won’t be. It might be at first, but we want to eventually expand it among adults if their open to the idea.”

“Would there be anyone else besides us?”

“Eve,” I interjected. “She said that she wants to do this as well, and I think it’d be a great way for all of us to connect. Our goal is the same for all of us, isn’t it? Leaving a mark on the world? It has to start somewhere, and it can be with us.”

There was such—joy?—in my mother’s eyes as she said, “I am so proud of you, honey. All of you. You’ve come very far these last two weeks and I want you all to know that I feel this way. And to answer your question, I will help lead the Bible study.”

My heart leapt with joy as I ran over to hug her. I threw my arms around her saying, “Thank you, thank you, thank you! You won’t regret this, Mom.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Hayes,” Avery said softly from the couch. He smiled sadly and said, “This really means a lot to me.”

When I let go of my mother, something amazing happened. She walked around to the other side of the couch to where Avery was, she held her arms open, smiling. “Come here,” she offered. Looking unsure, Avery stood up and hugged my mother tightly and she said, “It’s okay, Avery. We’re going to be here for you. We’ll all figure this out together. You’re family now.”

Melissa came over to my side, wrapping her arms around my waist as we watched the touching moment in silence. The last two weeks, I had been questioning the idea, hoping that maybe I could convince myself not to do this, because as much as I’d changed, I still had a hard time accepting things as they really were. I had to understand that being gay was okay. I had to learn that love was all that really mattered when it came to God.

At that moment, I knew I made the right decision.

Acceptance is something that doesn’t come often

And leaves many people lying in coffins

Wishing that someone they knew could accept

The secret that was despised by all of the rest.

With friends by my side and a God I know cares

I know I’ll stand tall amongst all of their stares.

Sometimes I feel lonely despite all that’s changed

But I can’t help but feel like this is all gonna change.

Love is something I’ve always wanted to feel

And for the first time in years, I think what’s coming is real.

Please don’t leave me standing all alone

When all of my past is finally exposed.

“No.”

It was Wednesday afternoon during our lunch time and I was trying to convince Jake to come to our Bible Study with us. After all, he was my best friend and I wanted him to be a part of it, but he just kept giving the same thing.

“Why not?” I asked. “The idea can’t be that bad answer.

Jake laughed and took a bite of his burger. Melissa and Avery were also at the table with us and Avery was staring Jake down watching him eat. Melissa sat by my side, eating her salad. “Trust me, it sounds like a bad idea. Everyone here knows you’re pro-gay already—there’s not really a Bible Study about it.”

I couldn’t imagine that
everyone
knew, and even if they did, why did it matter to Jake? The answer popped in my head almost immediately—he was my best friend, and whatever I did apparently had an impact on him.

That’s one of the things that made me mad about being a teenager; as much as I didn’t want what others thought bother me, it really did. Deep inside, I was slightly embarrassed that everyone here thought I was turning into a queer.

“Come on, please,” I begged Jake. “We need more people to join us. The more we expand our group, the more people will come, and since you’re one of the most popular guys in school, like me, people might join in a heartbeat.”

“Correction,” Jake pointed out. “You
used
to be one of the most popular guys in school. The old group told me to send you a message.”

“Which is?” Melissa asked.

“‘Go tell hell,’” Jake said. “That’s all they said. Besides, you had to know this would happen eventually.”

Actually, I didn’t. I hoped that even after I felt this way, everything would work out with my old friends, but as of now Jake was the only one sticking around, and that was becoming rarer and rarer. Things just weren’t like they used to be, and I could tell he noticed it as well.

“Great,” I mumbled, picking at my salad. “Just what I need—the whole school hating me because I’ve become pro-gay.”

“I don’t hate you,” Jake said, but for some reason it didn’t sound too convincing. “I just can’t come, okay?”

Avery stood up, throwing his backpack over his shoulder. He looked at Melissa and me and said, “I’m going to…go to the library. I’ll, uh, see you guys later.” He left the cafeteria a little quicker than I liked, but he was a free man and could do what he wanted. I had a strong feeling that he didn’t leave because he wanted to go to the library, though, and that worried me a bit. I just had to trust that everything would be okay eventually.

“How’s creative writing class?” Melissa asked, changing the subject. “Do you like doing it? You haven’t let me see anything you’re working on.”

That was because there wasn’t really anything I had worked on. Lately I’d been slacking on writing and didn’t really know
what
to write about anymore. For a long time I had tried scary stories, but I came to realize blood and gore were not my expertise. Poetry was another thing that I tried, but after trying to write a rhyming poem one day when I used the word “luck” at the end of the stanza, there was only one word that came to mind, and right then I knew it wasn’t for me. I did notice, however, that I was really good at realistic fiction, just writing about the hardships of someone else’s life. Maybe it was because I secretly wished mine was different, but I didn’t let anyone else know that.

So no, I really didn’t have anything that I had worked on because I didn’t write anything. As of right now, my GPA was a 3.0 all because of me not doing my homework assignments.

“I’ve been lacking creativity lately. You wouldn’t want to read it.” Just then I realized that I should leave to go talk to Avery. I stood up and said, “I’m going to go with Avery in the library for a little bit.”

“Want me to come?” Melissa asked.

“No, I think he and I need to talk alone. I’ll see you later.” When I turned to leave, I couldn’t help but be a little angry with Jake. He hurt Avery’s feelings, even I saw that, and was pretty sure Melissa was talking to him now about it now. The one thing Jake and I had in common before all of this was our hatred of gay people, but now it seemed like we didn’t have a single thing to talk about, especially since I was friends with Avery.

Avery was a good guy, and I wasn’t going to stop being friends with him because of this. As it turned out, he and I had a lot in common. For example, we both loved books, and some of the same ones, too. We also had similar music tastes—rock, metal, and alternative, maybe pop depending on the day—and the last two weeks we found ourselves sitting in the car driving around listening to music, just seeing the world. Neither of us watched TV, which was uncommon these days. The only difference was that while I liked sports, he liked Theatre. Oddly enough, Theatre was beginning to sound a lot more pleasing than sports. In truth, I really liked Avery and hoped to be friends for a long time.