Before Jamaica Lane (24 page)

Staring at the rolling credits, I sat in the now-lit-up movie theater as my fellow moviegoers got up and shuffled out of the screening.

I’d chosen a comedy because fake laughing at fake stuff helped a little.

It had been three weeks since I’d last seen Nate, and I still hadn’t heard from him. He’d definitely taken it to heart when I told him to never come back. My friends, with the exception of Jo, did a good job of not mentioning him, although his absence when we went out for drinks was felt by all. It made me feel terrible. Nate was Cam, Adam, and Braden’s friend, and now whenever I was around they couldn’t hang out with him. Not that Nate was up to it apparently. According to Jo, anyway. She would casually let information slip into our conversations every now and then. Cam was worried about Nate. He hadn’t seen much of him lately with the exception of judo class. At their last session Nate had been so intense, bordering on outright aggressive, that their teacher had thrown him out of the class by suggesting he walk off whatever was bothering him.

I didn’t want to know this. It would be much easier for me to pretend that Nate had no feelings about the
dissolution of our relationship. Jo wanted me to know, though. She thought it meant something. She thought there was still possibility.

She just didn’t get it.

‘Oi, movie’s over,’ a belligerent voice said.

I glanced up at the young cinema worker. ‘Yeah, so?’

‘So … you have to leave now,’ he replied irritably.

Slowly I got up. ‘You just love your job, don’t you?’

His look would have quelled Death. I grabbed my bag and got out of there.

I pushed my hair back off my face as I entered the lobby of the Cineworld. I’d come to the Omni Centre at the top of Leith Walk on a Friday night because sitting home, remembering how many Friday nights I spent watching movies with Nate, was not a good way to get over him.

‘Liv!’

I glanced back over my shoulder before I hit the stairs and saw Cole standing at the concession stand with a group of friends. Being so tall, he was easy to spot. He smiled at me, murmured something to a friend, and strolled over. I had to tilt my head back to look up into his face. ‘Hey.’ I smiled at him. ‘You okay?’

He shrugged. ‘Just going to see a film with some friends.’ His eyes searched my face. ‘You okay?’

‘I’m fine. Just heading home.’

‘You were here alone?’

‘A person can go to the movies alone, you know.’

Cole’s eyes narrowed. ‘Right.’ He glanced over his shoulder before returning his focus to me. ‘Let’s go back to the flat. Jo and Cam are just hanging out tonight. We can all watch a movie together.’

‘Cole, no, go be with your friends.’

‘Nah, it’s cool. They’re going to see a film I’ve already seen. Jo bought those little chocolate cupcake thingies you like …’

I groaned. ‘You know me too well.’

He grinned. ‘Come on, then.’

Maybe it would be nice not to go home to an empty apartment just yet.

‘Okay.’

We turned toward the stairs. ‘Hey, Cole!’ Looking back over our shoulders we saw a pretty blonde step away from the group, her large eyes questioning. ‘Where are you going?’

‘She’s pretty,’ I murmured under my breath. ‘Sure you want to leave?’

Cole shrugged. ‘She’s not really my type,’ he murmured back.

‘Pretty’s not your type?’

‘She’s kind of annoying.’

‘Coh-ul?’ the blonde whined, and the sound was incredibly irritating.

‘Oh, yeah, I get you now.’

He snorted and looked back at his friends. ‘I’ll catch you guys later, all right?’

One of the boys glanced over at that, his eyes flying
to me and widening instantly. ‘Fuck, Cole, are you tapping that?’

Cole glared at the kid. ‘Del, why don’t you turn around and start talking through your arse? That way we’ll forgive the shit you come away with.’

While their friends laughed, shoving and teasing this ‘Del’ person, Cole gripped my elbow and started walking me down the stairs.

I was choking on laughter. ‘I know I’m supposed to admonish you for cursing, but … you are getting so like Cam, it’s too funny.’

Cole was pleased with my assessment. He tried to hide it, but I saw the flush of pleasure on his neck and the little twitch to his mouth. I understood why. Cam was this hero who had swept in and saved him and his sister from a crappy life. Cam was everything Cole wanted to be.

We were silent for a while as we strolled down Leith Walk side by side until the thought of the pretty blonde who’d stared at Cole with open fascination came to mind. ‘So, if you’re not into the whiny blonde girl, is there someone else you like?’

In answer Cole flushed but surprised me by saying, while gazing at the ground, ‘There’s someone, but I’m too young for her. And I think she likes someone else anyway.’

A pang of deep affection echoed in my chest. ‘Dude, you really know how to boost a woman’s self-esteem.’

He smirked, but his eyes were searching when he
finally gathered the courage to look at me. ‘I overheard Jo and Cam talking. I know about you and Nate and what he did. I told him I don’t hang out with idiots or assholes, and seeing as he’s both, I was done.’

For some insane reason I felt bad for Nate. ‘Cole, while I appreciate your loyalty, and I really do, Nate is your friend. He cares about you. Don’t shut him out because of me.’

‘But he hurt you.’

‘Yes. And I’m angry at him. But he didn’t hurt you. So please don’t
you
be angry at him.’

Cole was quiet for a moment and then he said, ‘I think he feels bad. He’s been looking like shit lately.’

I pretended not to hear that. ‘That’s the third time you’ve cursed – you realize that, right?’

He shrugged.

‘Okay, I’ll leave the admonishing to Jo. Let’s talk about something less depressing. How’s school?’

‘You think that’s less depressing?’

‘It can’t be that bad.’

He shrugged.

‘Okay, how about art?’

That topic immediately opened him up. ‘I’m getting a tattoo on my eighteenth birthday. I’ve been drawing loads of different ideas.’

‘Oh? So, are you still thinking about becoming a tattoo artist?’

‘Aye, didn’t Jo tell you?’

‘Tell me what?’

‘Adam’s friend’s cousin owns a tattoo parlor down in Leith. He’s going to let me spend a couple of days a week there over the summer. After high school there might be a possibility of an apprenticeship with him. If he likes me, that is. He told me to keep all my drawings. Create, like, a portfolio.’

‘That’s brilliant. Wow, you are way more organized about life than I was at fifteen.’

He grunted. ‘Tell that to Jo. She wants me to go to college first.’

‘Maybe you should.’

‘We’ll see. Despite what she thinks, I have still got time.’

‘She just wants you to have choices in life, Cole.’

‘Aye,’ he said, his eyes softening. ‘I know that.’

The walk passed quickly as we talked about school and movies and books. He was a kid who was kind of taciturn with most people, and it was nice to be counted among the circle of friends and family he was willing to open up to.

Arriving at Jo and Cam’s flat, Cole shoved the door open. ‘I’m home!’

‘We’re in the kitchen!’ Jo called back.

Cole grimaced. ‘I’m not going in there,’ he whispered. ‘Sometimes when they think they’re alone they’re all … affectionate.’

I chuckled under my breath and followed him into the sitting room. He stopped abruptly and I had to sidestep his tall frame to see past him.

If a bus had driven through the wall and slammed into me, it wouldn’t have had any less of an impact than when I saw Nate sitting there. Our eyes collided and Nate slowly stood up from the couch. After a moment of helpless staring, my gaze drifted over him. Sporting a short beard and dark circles under his eyes, he looked exhausted and unkempt. It was so not like him.

‘Sorry, Liv,’ Cole apologized quietly. ‘I didn’t know he’d be here.’

‘It’s okay.’

‘How?’ Nate took a step toward me and I automatically took a step back. He stopped, swallowing hard as his eyes took me in, almost hungrily. ‘How are you?’

Before I could muster up some kind of reply to that stupid-ass question, the loud clack of heels in the hall grew in crescendo as they came toward us, and I turned, my eyes narrowing, as a tall redhead in a low-cut tank top and skinny jeans sashayed into the room in five-inch sandals. ‘That bathroom is gorgeous.’ She smiled politely at me before sidling up to Nate. Her toned arm slid around his waist and she pressed her breasts against him. ‘Your friends have a really nice flat.’

Heat unlike anything I’d ever felt before flooded me. A fire blazed in my chest, the flames licking my throat and forestalling any words. Instead I just stood there glaring at them in impotent jealousy and heartbreak.

‘Liv?’ I turned at Jo’s voice and found her standing in the doorway, her features slack with surprise. ‘What are you –’

‘Just leaving.’ I cut her off and pushed past her hurriedly, ignoring her calling my name in concern as I slammed out of the apartment and raced for the stairs. I heard the door opening behind me, but I just kept moving, desperate to get somewhere quiet where I could brood and rail and curse Nate Sawyer to hell.

‘Olivia!’

Oh, God
.

‘Olivia, stop,’ Nate growled behind me. Close. Too close.

His hand clamped around my arm and I found myself hauled to a stop and turned about to face him.

He stood, a few steps up from me, breathing heavily, his expression panicked. ‘Liv, don’t go.’

I wrenched my arm out of his grip, and immediately felt the phantom of his fingers wrapped around it. ‘Go back inside, Nate.’ My expression was pure disdain. ‘I should have known nothing would keep you down for long.’

To my surprise, his eyes hardened with what I would almost call indignation.

What the hell did he have to be indignant about?

‘Pot calling kettle,’ he bit out, taking a step down, bringing him closer to me. ‘I heard you got your library boy.’ He raked his eyes over me. ‘I assume you fucked him well and he’s enjoying the benefits of my lessons.’

A punch to the gut would have been just as effective. And probably would have hurt a whole lot less.

He flinched at my expression and ran a hand through
his too long hair, his fingers turning into a fist. ‘Shit, Liv, I’m sorry,’ he whispered hoarsely. ‘I didn’t mean that.’

I turned to leave and promptly found myself caught in his hold again. ‘Let me go,’ I hissed.

Instead he pulled me toward him. The familiar smell and feel of him made me ache. ‘Just tell me you’re okay.’

I relaxed, in the hope that it would make him release me. ‘I’m fine,’ I answered quietly. ‘Go back to your girl, Nate.’

Nate’s grip tightened. ‘She’s not my girl.’

I shook my head. ‘I wasn’t talking about the redhead. I was talking about the ghost tattooed across your heart.’

My words loosened his grip.

Lowering my lashes so I didn’t have to see the haunted expression on his face, I turned and descended the stairs, back out of his life.

Seeing Nate again was like straining a recent injury. When I left him I had to start packing ice on it again.

That’s why when Ben called the next week while I was having dinner with Dad and Dee, I was glad of the distraction.

‘I know we don’t know each other
that
well, but I’m going to selfishly pretend that’s not true in order to ask a massive favor.’

Amused, I leaned my elbow on my dad’s counter and relaxed into the conversation. ‘What kind of favor?’

‘My sister has somehow managed to rope me into babysitting my niece, Zoe, on Saturday. Now I love my niece, but she’s eight years old, a total girly girl, and when I asked her what she wanted to do, she replied that she wanted me to take her to see some Disney pop princess musical movie at the cinema. Zoe is used to getting what she wants, so this
is
going to happen. I was hoping you’d do me a favor by coming with me so I don’t appear to be some creepy guy at a Disney movie, but –’

‘One-half of parental obligation?’

‘Exactly.’

I laughed. ‘It sounds like you’ll be owing me majorly.’

‘So you’ll come with us?’

‘Sure. As a favor. Not a date.’

‘Not a date. I completely agree. Nothing kills romance more than a teenybopper musical.’

After a minute of confirming details of when and where, I hung up. My dad stared at me curiously.

‘What?’

‘Are you sure that’s a good idea?’

‘We’re just friends,’ I assured him.

‘I’ve heard that before.’

‘Mick,’ Dee admonished, scowling at him on my behalf.

Dad grimaced. ‘I’m sorry, sweetheart, but it’s the look on your face right now that tells me that going on a date with some other man is not a good idea. And you know’ – he pushed his fork around on his plate as he avoided my eyes – ‘Jo told me Nate is not doing well at all. She says he looks like hell. And apparently he’s been trying to contact you.’

My eyes narrowed. ‘I thought you didn’t like Nate.’

‘I didn’t. Until you told me all those things about him.’

‘Dad –’

‘He was very young when he lost that girl,’ Dad interrupted, pushing his plate away and leaning toward me conspiratorially. ‘I can’t imagine how difficult it is to go through the loss of a woman you love at such a young age. But I can understand how it might paralyze you. Nate never got a chance to experience enough of life to
learn how to put loss into perspective. Or the fear of loss even. He might just need time.’

Not surprised by my dad’s understanding and empathy, I placed my hand over his, my heart hurting. ‘Dad, even if Nate turned around tomorrow and told me that he wanted to give us a chance … I’d say no.’

‘I thought you loved him.’

‘I do. I’m very much in love with him. But he won’t ever allow himself to love me the way he loved Alana. She was his big love. I want to be someone’s big love, Dad. I think I deserve to have the man I love love me back just as much.’

Saturday afternoon I met Ben and his adorable niece outside the Omni Centre. Zoe was a bundle of excited energy and Ben looked more than a little relieved to see me. He had this permanent crease in his forehead, which I would soon learn had come from listening to Zoe talk on and on about her painful decision to demote a certain world-famous boy band to the status of her second-favorite band, in favor of this new, cooler band that had just hit the charts.

I could speak boy band, since I went through my own boy-band phase until I hit thirteen, so I listened attentively to Zoe as we walked into the cinema together. As she hemmed and hawed over what kind of candy she wanted, Ben squeezed my shoulders and murmured, ‘Thank you,’ in my ear in a way that I felt across my skin.

I smiled, feeling relief that maybe, just maybe, I could get over Nate after all.

The movie was as bad as Ben and I thought it would be, but Zoe loved it and was giggling and singing as we walked out of the theater. With the innocence of the young, Zoe took my hand and her uncle’s hand too, walking between us so we made a picture of the perfect family.

It was more than awkward for me, since Ben and I still didn’t know each other that well, but when I caught his mischievous grin I knew he didn’t feel awkward at all. In fact, I got the feeling he was enjoying himself. My suspicious side wondered if this had been a ploy from the beginning. Had good old boy Ben gotten a little sick of waiting on me to call him for a date and decided to move things along faster?

I squeezed Zoe’s hand but shook my head at Ben as we strolled up the street toward McDonald’s, where we’d promised to take Zoe for lunch.

‘Using your niece to turn this into a date?’ I semi-whispered over Zoe’s singing.

Ben laughed at me. ‘I did no such thing.’

‘Oh, you did too.’ I rolled my eyes. ‘You knew the adorableness of this situation would tug at me.’

Ben threw his head back in laughter, causing Zoe to stare up at us and ask, ‘What’s going on?’

Before I could explain in a bumbling fashion, a very familiar voice froze me to the spot.

‘Olivia?’

The three of us stopped, our hands still clasped, and
stared at Nate, who’d come to a halt on the sidewalk in front of us. People pushed past us in irritation, swerving around us as we just stared at one another. I took in his unshaven face, his messy hair squashed under a beanie, and the dark circles that were still under his eyes since last we’d seen each other. My heart flipped over painfully in my chest.

It flipped even harder when the color leached from Nate’s cheeks as he processed the sight of me with Benjamin and Zoe.

‘Ben, this is Nate. Nate, this is Ben and his niece, Zoe.’

‘Hi!’ Zoe chirped.

Nate, the inherent charmer, would usually have flashed his dimples at her adorableness and responded to her. But something was happening to him as he looked from me to Ben to Zoe to our hands clasped tightly together. There was something akin to horror in his expression.

‘Nate?’ I whispered, taking a step toward him.

‘I, eh, I …’ His eyes caught mine now, his chest rising and falling in shallow breaths. ‘I …’ He lifted a shaking hand.

‘Nate?’

‘Excuse me.’ He pushed past us and strode down the sidewalk as if the hounds of hell were nipping at his heels.

I stared after him, hating that I was worried for him as I wondered what the heck had just happened to him.

‘Well, I’m guessing there’s a story there,’ Ben said softly.

‘Maybe.’

‘Do you fancy telling me about it?’

I glanced down at Zoe, whose head swung from one to the other of us in confusion. ‘Not really.’

‘Okay, that’s fair enough. But how about we put whatever that was behind us and go to McDonald’s, eat some processed food, and then I’ll persuade you to accompany me to my cousin’s wedding. As a date.’

Reeling, I could only stare at him.

Zoe’s excited laughter and jerk on my hand pulled me out of my daze. ‘Say yes! I’m Flower Girl. I want you to see my dress.’

I threw Ben a dirty look as his mouth twitched in amusement. ‘You are an evil genius.’

I didn’t understand what had gone through Nate’s head when he saw me with Ben and Zoe, but what I did know was that he wanted to talk about it. I knew this because he started calling me. Now I felt like I was
continually
icing the injury he’d left me with.

That very night he called me. When I didn’t answer he sent me a text, asking me to call him back. The next day he called me. He left a voice mail, which I refused to listen to. He called me the day after that. And thus began a daily dose of Nate.

So many times I had to catch myself. I wanted to pick up. I wanted to pick up because he was obviously
sorry he’d hurt me. I got it. I understood. However, it didn’t change anything. It didn’t change the fact that being around him was too hard.

So I decided to go to the wedding with Ben that next Saturday.

Seemingly a staple of every Scottish wedding, the Proclaimers filled the wedding tent with their promises while I sat huddled beside Ben at our table. I’d told him countless times to go off and mingle with his family, but he’d told me that the whole point of bringing a stranger to the wedding was to have an excuse not to have to do that.

More and more he proved to me that he was funny and charming, and that I’d be a complete idiot not to give him a shot.

‘Can I get you another drink?’ he asked, nudging my nearly empty champagne glass.

Ruefully, I shook my head. ‘The last wedding I was at I got shamefully drunk and ended up saying things I now regret.’

He smiled mischievously. ‘Now I definitely want to get you drunk.’

I laughed. ‘No, you don’t.’

‘So … what was it you said that you regret?’

‘It’s not really what I said, it’s what saying it led to.’

‘And what was that?’

‘A broken heart.’ I winced as soon as I said it. ‘God, Ben, I’m sorry. I’m the worst wedding date in history.’

He gave me a sympathetic smile. ‘You know what might make it up to me?’

‘What’s that?’

‘Tell me about him. Nate.’ He guessed correctly. ‘What happened? It might help.’

I shook my head. ‘You don’t want to listen to that.’

‘What if I go first?’

Of course my curiosity got the better of me. I wanted to know about Ben’s big heartbreak. Just as I was about to agree, my cell rang. With an apologetic smile, I reached for my clutch and pulled out the phone.

I got goose bumps all over when I saw the caller ID.

Nate.

Did he know I was on a date? Was that why he was calling? Angry that he kept interrupting my life, I shoved the phone back in my purse.

Ben gestured to it. ‘Was that him?’

‘How did you guess?’

‘Because I’m fairly certain I get that look in my eye anytime my ex tries to contact me.’

‘What look?’

‘That “if-I-could-tear-you-to-shreds-with-my-incisors-I-would-why-won’t-you-get-out-of-my-life-you-crazy-bitch” or in his case “crazy bastard” look.’

I laughed humorlessly. ‘Close. It’s more like … I keep trying to get back to who I was before this happened, and every time someone says his name or he calls, it reminds me that I probably won’t ever get back to that person because … he was a part of who I was then.’

We sat in silence for a moment.

Finally Ben took my hand and rubbed his thumb over my knuckles. ‘One day you’ll wake up and he won’t be the first thing you think about.’

‘Promise?’

‘I promise.’

My cell rang again, jarring the sweet atmosphere between us. Growling in frustration, I reached for my purse, ready to switch off the damn phone, but then I saw it was Jo calling this time.

For some reason I felt an unpleasant dip in my belly.

‘I’m sorry,’ I told Ben. ‘It’s my friend. I should answer her.’

‘Of course.’

‘Jo?’ I asked as I put the phone to my ear.

‘Liv’ – she sounded out of breath – ‘Liv, Nate tried to call you. Something’s happened.’

‘What is it?’ I asked, instantly panicked. ‘Is he okay?’

‘He’s … His dad’s been rushed to hospital.’

I got a taxi from the wedding as quickly as possible, but it took me almost an hour from the time Jo called to get to the hospital. The whole time I was begging and pleading with whatever divine being might exist in this world to help Nathan. Jo said they thought he’d suffered a heart attack.

I practically threw the cab fare at my driver and dashed out of the car, hurrying inside the main entrance of the hospital.

Please, please, let Nathan be okay. Please
.

He was such a good man.

And Nate cannot take more loss
.

As I hurried toward the main reception to ask after Nathan, his son’s voice called my name and I stopped, my eyes following it. Nate stood in the middle of the crowded waiting room, looking pale and haggard.

I moved toward him, drinking him in. The beard was gone, but the eyes were still dark, and now his mouth was pinched with worry. Sitting behind him were Sylvie, Cam, Cole, and Jo. Sylvie was tearing a Kleenex into pieces. She reminded me of a frightened animal, the way she kept staring round-eyed at the doors beyond.

‘Nate –’ I stopped hesitantly before him, not sure if I should hug him but wanting to. ‘Is there any word?’

He shook his head, his eyes bleak. ‘They took him into surgery. No one’s come out yet.’

Breaking, I took one last step toward him and wrapped my arms around him.

Nate instantly sank into my embrace, his strong arms locking around my waist as his head bowed into my neck.

We stayed that way for a while.

‘Nathaniel Sawyer’s family?’ a doctor called.

Nate and his mother quickly stood up from their chairs and hurried to him. I glanced around at Jo, Cam, and Cole before looking over at Peetie and Lyn, who
had arrived a little while after I had. We’d been waiting for hours and hours, and now all of our expressions were the same.

Hopeful.

Desperately hopeful.

At the sounds of Sylvie’s sobs my lungs ceased to work and I watched in horror as Nate pulled her into his arms. Cam, his eyes hollow with grief, moved toward his friend. He rested a hand on Nate’s shoulder and Nate gave him a small smile, shaking his head.

Cam’s body slumped, as if with relief, and my lungs started working again. He strode back to us, running a shaky hand through his hair. ‘Nathan made it through the surgery. He’s stable.’

‘Knock, knock.’ I leaned around the hospital door, wearing a huge grin.

I’d left Nate to be with his mom and dad for the last few days, but on Monday I cut out of work to make visiting hours.

Nathan was alone in his room, watching television. He blinked in surprise at the sight of me and then smiled widely as I walked in. Having dealt with a very sick person, I was a master at schooling my reaction to the physical toll sickness could take. Nathan’s frame looked so much smaller as he lay in the hospital bed. His cheeks were drawn and there were a few more wrinkles around his mouth than there had been when I’d last seen him.

‘To what do I owe this pleasure?’ he asked, sitting up, careful of the wires connecting him to monitors hooked up by his bed.