Before She Was Mine (7 page)

‘It’s fine,’ she said, in a choked voice.

‘Yeah, ’cause you always cry for no reason.’

‘I’m not crying.’

‘My mistake.’ I put my hand on her shoulder, and as I did so, a tear dripped into the sink. ‘Look, I shouldn’t have got you to talk about the past, especially not on
Christmas Day. How stupid am I?’

‘No, it’s not that.’ She unknotted the duster and wiped her eyes with it. ‘It’s absolutely nothing. Forget it.’

‘
Mum
.’

‘No, really.’

‘For God’s sake!’ I felt like snatching up the peeler and waving it in her face. Why did we always have to play this daft game, Guess What’s Wrong? Melody spilled out
everything the instant it formed in her brain, but Liv needed it coaxing out every time. It made me feel deficient, somehow, as though I should have noticed without the prompt.

She patted her chest. ‘All right. It’s only this stupid lump.’

The lump. Three weeks ago I’d come hurtling back from Melody’s to find Liv locked in the bathroom and Geraint dithering at the foot of the stairs, clasping his hands like a mad
bell-ringer.

‘She dropped a bottle of blackcurrant, it’s all over the floor,’ he’d whimpered.

‘Go clean it up then,’ I’d yelled. Bloody useless article. It had taken twenty minutes to get her to open the bathroom door.

In the days that followed I’d made a GP’s appointment, walked with her to the surgery, driven her to hospital where some doctor had taken cells out of her boob, got them checked and
pronounced them sound. End of story, I’d thought.

But something wasn’t right. Now I looked at her properly, she still had shadows under her eyes and a hard set to her mouth, as if she was right near the edge.

‘You got the all-clear, didn’t you? Didn’t you?’

‘Mmm. You were terrific, Frey.’

‘It had to be done.’

‘Geraint’s not good with hospitals.’

Whereas I find them a laugh a minute.
‘Look, I know the whole business must have been a shock, and you’re going to take a while to put it behind—’

‘I was being ridiculous, wasn’t I? All I could think that night was, I needed some space. And then once I got inside the bathroom I didn’t want to open the door again. It was
pure panic, and Geraint didn’t know what to do to help, bless him.’

Yeah, bless him.
‘It doesn’t matter.’

‘No. Only, only I think it’s grown, Frey.’

‘What?’

‘The lump. It’s got bigger. And it’s changed. It’s got sort of grainier.’

I blinked at her. ‘Are you sure?’

‘Geraint says it might be the effect of the biopsy needle poking about. He’s probably right. I’m being silly again. I told you it wasn’t anything.’

Despite the grey smudges under her eyes, something in her face looked relieved to have confessed. But she had me frightened now.

‘You have to go back, then,’ I said.

‘I’ve another check-up in April.’

‘Sooner than that!’

‘I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.’

‘Are you absolutely positive it’s got bigger?’

For answer she tightened her lips.

‘Then you’ve to go back in the New Year and demand another biopsy. Which is better? Feeling a bit embarrassed in front of a few nurses, or keeping quiet and . . .’

I hadn’t thought the end of the sentence through. Liv grasped my hand, a gesture I wasn’t expecting, and we knocked the peeler onto the floor where it clattered and spun.
‘I’m sure it’s nothing, but promise me anyway,’ I said.

Then the doorbell rang, and she let go of my fingers. After a moment, I heard Nicky’s voice in the hall.

‘Fuck,’ I said under my breath.

Liv wiped her eyes again and went back to the potatoes. ‘I’ll be through in a minute,’ she said. ‘Give me a minute on my own, eh?’

Sometimes you wish you could just pop on an invisibility cloak while you get your act together.

When I walked into the lounge, Nicky was perched on the edge of the sofa, talking at a baffled Geraint.

‘Hiya,’ I said, as brightly as I could manage.

Nicky jumped up at once and gave me a hug. She was wearing a berry-red jumper and neat black trousers, and I thought she looked older than twenty-three. Getting engaged seemed to have changed
her already. She was more confident, somehow, more adult.

‘Hi yourself. Having a good time? The house looks great. Love the paper chains! Wow, are these your pressies?’

I showed her my modest pile: the coat I was still wearing from having sat out in the garage, Melody’s inappropriate nightie, money from Grandma Abby, hand cream from Mrs Noble who used to
collect me from school and give me my tea when I was little, a bottle of wine from Ray at the nursery. Geraint and I buy nothing for each other, an arrangement Liv wisely leaves alone.

‘Cool!’ went Nicky, to everything I showed her. This is kind of her because she gets ten times what I do. Joan and Derek have a string of siblings each, plus a wide circle of
generous friends. Santa nearly has a hernia getting down their chimney.
But then think of all the boring thank you letters I have to write afterwards
, I remember her saying in an attempt to
cheer me up.
And so much of it’s tat. Banana-shaped purses and musical toothbrushes. Would you want it?
For a few moments I held that image of teen Nicky holding her banana purse like
a microphone, singing
Dancing in the Moonlight
down the stalk end. ‘Well, here you go,’ she said, handing me a shiny blue paper bag with a flower on the side. ‘Add this
into the mix.’

Inside the bag were three
Hammer House of Horror
DVDs and a pamphlet on calligraphy.

‘Calligraphy?’ I said.

‘Yeah, I thought you might like to give it a whirl. Could be fun.’

How empty did she think my life was, that I wanted to spend hours practising handwriting? ‘Excellent,’ I said. ‘The DVDs are top. I’ll have to make you sit down and watch
The Two Faces of Evil
sometime. For your hen night, maybe.’

‘No hen night, I told you.’

‘Girls’ night in, then.’

Liv appeared at this point, dry-eyed and calm, and carrying a plate of kettle chips. I gave Nicky her present, which was a subscription for
Brides
magazine. When she undid the envelope,
she actually shrieked with happiness.

‘Is it all right? You’ve not subscribed already?’

‘Oh, yes, no, it’s fantastic. Oh,
thanks
, Frey. Thanks
so
much.’

You’d have thought I’d pledged to buy her wedding dress for her the way she carried on. I was pleased, because buying such a sensible present nearly killed me. On one side of the
High Street was WHSmith and its stand of magazines, while on the other was a shop I’d spotted selling glow-in-the-dark croquet sets. Pre-engagement, I’d have plumped without hesitation
for the croquet set, knowing in the months afterwards we’d all have played under the stars, drunk and hilarious. But as I dithered on the pavement, it dawned on me we’d now passed that
stage and I needed to buy my best friend something suitable and grown up, even if that knowledge felt like a girder laid across my heart.

‘How are the wedding plans?’ asked Liv, wrestling the poker out of its slotted stand and prodding the fire.

Nicky’s face took on an almost holy radiance.

‘Terrific! I’ve got this special book, a diary-memorandum thing I’ve been filling in. Mum bought it for me. We’ve got a wall chart, too.’

‘And when’s the actual date?’

‘Next October. The twelfth.’

That’s ages off
, I was about to say, when Liv went, ‘Not long, then.’

‘I know,’ said Nicky. ‘Scary. We got in on the back of a cancellation, which was lucky. Although not lucky for the people cancelling. That’s really sad, isn’t it? I
can’t think of anything worse, can you?’

‘When Colin and I got married, the wedding before us never happened because the bride pulled out. Right at the last minute, with everybody waiting.’

‘You never told me that,’ I said.

Liv pursed her lips. ‘Didn’t I?’

It felt odd to hear them talking together so enthusiastically about weddings. Liv wasn’t interested in that kind of fluff. And yet there they were, sitting opposite each other, leaning
forward eagerly, while Geraint and I looked on from outside the charmed circle.

‘Will you be having a hot meal or a buffet?’ Liv asked.

Geraint caught my eye, and shifted in his chair.

Fuck off and die, old man
, I told him silently.

Why don’t YOU bugger off and leave home
, he signalled back.
It’s about time, and then some. At your age I was driving an eighteen-tonne truck between London and Swansea
every week. Shape yourself, girl.

‘. . . after a rustic effect,’ Nicky was explaining to Liv.

‘And what does Christian think?’

‘He’s not bothered. I mean, he says I can have whatever I want, it’s for me to choose. It’s my day.’

‘No battles yet with your mum or your mum-in-law?’

Even though I was on the other side of the room, I thought I saw hesitation flicker over Nicky’s face. ‘Oh, no. Mum’s just, you know, really excited, same as me, and
Corinne’s, Corinne’s great. She has lots of ideas, lots of energy. She’s been so helpful already. They’re a lovely family. I’m incredibly lucky.’

‘They’re the lucky ones,’ I said.

Nicky turned to me and beamed, and I thought,
I truly meant that. Christian’s parents should be on their knees thanking God he’s picked someone as sound as you. I hope they
appreciate you.

‘I’ve been having a think about your dress, too, Frey,’ she said, and the warmth I’d been feeling towards her evaporated immediately.

‘Go on.’

‘Well, I’ve seen something in a shop I want you to come and try on. It’s green, so it’ll go with your hair. Not dull green, not green like your coat, a bit brighter than
you usually wear. Emerald. Nice. And it’s ankle length with a low front, sleeveless, very glam. I thought the two little bridesmaids could wear green and cream. Maybe you could have long
cream gloves. You’ll look brilliant together. It’s going to be brilliant.’

A day of bliss evidently awaited me, trussed up like a burlesque stripper, shepherding Nicky’s nieces about for hours in the freezing cold. ‘Sounds fun,’ I said.

‘Do you think so? God, Freya, I don’t think there’s anyone happier than me in the world right now. It feels almost wicked.’

‘You couldn’t be wicked if you tried,’ I said.

‘I can’t wait for next October, can you?’

‘Absolutely not.’

‘It’s nice to have something positive coming up,’ said Liv.

Then I understood why she’d shown such an uncharacteristic interest in the wedding plans. ‘Yeah, something to focus on. A bright spot on the horizon. It will be good, won’t
it?’

I wondered whether Geraint was getting this, but his attention was fixed on the TV screen. After a few moments, his hand came up to scratch his scalp, and a flake of something detached itself
and floated down to land on the chair back.

‘Have I shown you my idea for how the invitations are going to be folded?’ said Nicky.

The last visitor on Christmas Day was an unexpected one: Michael.

‘I thought you might need rescuing from the festive joy,’ he said, standing on the doorstep with his hands in his pockets.

‘I do. Where are we going?’

‘Anywhere you like.’

I ran to get my coat.

‘So Melody’s having a baby,’ I said as soon as I’d climbed into the van.

He laughed. ‘Remind me never to trust you with one of my secrets.’

‘I assumed you knew.’

‘I did. But that’s your good luck.’ He swung the van away from the pavement and we started off into the night.

‘Sorry. I’ve been holding it in all day. It was a hell of a shock.’

‘You’re telling me.’

‘What do you think?’

He took a hand off the wheel and rubbed the back of his neck. ‘Makes no odds what I think, does it? Although, between you and me, I’ll believe there’s a baby when I see
one.’

‘You don’t mean she’s making it up?’

‘No. I think she could be mistaken, though.’

‘She’s done a test.’

‘OK. It’s early days. That’s all I’m saying. These things don’t always go according to plan.’

I spent a moment or two digesting this, watching the white lines loom out of the darkness then disappear under the bonnet. What did he mean, exactly? That she might get rid of it? It seemed an
uncharacteristically cruel thing for him to say. Melody was so high on that baby, anything other than a happy outcome would be a disaster. Even to consider it felt like the worst disloyalty.

I was still frowning when he glanced across at me, his face guilt-stricken. ‘Sorry, Frey, I don’t know what made me come out with that. Obviously I hope it’s fine for
her.’

‘Yes,’ I said. ‘So do I.’

We turned off the bypass and headed out towards Whixall. Hedgerows loomed past, bleached and skeletal in the headlights. The tarmac sparkled with frost.

Without warning he swung the van off the main road, onto a farm track. The cab bounced hard on the rutted ground and I slammed against the door and hurt my arm on the handle. ‘Ow,’ I
said, but Michael seemed not to hear me.

‘You should know,’ he said, ‘three months after I got married, Kim had a miscarriage. Fucking nightmare, it was. It was one of the problems that helped spilt us up.’

‘Oh, God, I’m sorry. I had no idea.’

‘You wouldn’t have. We didn’t tell anyone; well, I told Melody on the QT. Kim didn’t want it spread about. Madness, to be honest, because it meant there was only really
us in on it.’

‘That must have been hard.’

‘It bloody was. We’d sit there of an evening and there’d be this great black space between us. She was so cut up, I didn’t know what to do to make it better. The whole
business was shit. What I’m trying to say is, these experiences, they stick in your mind forever afterwards and spoil a piece of good news. That’s the only reason I said what I did. I
hate myself for even mentioning it. Melody’s charmed. I’m sure everything’ll be fine.’

He slowed the van and we passed between the last hedges and out into open space. The engine died and he switched off the headlights. Ahead of us lay the fishing lake, a glimmering stretch of
flat black water.