Before Sunrise (55 page)

When Gail didn’t speak Kennedy looked over
her shoulder. Her mom was just staring at her. “You okay?”

“
How are you, sweetheart?
Are you
really
okay?”

Kennedy stepped away from the bed. She
wanted to hug her mother. Her heart overflowed with happiness. But
somehow it felt awkward between them. So she put her hands into the
back pockets of her jeans. “I have to be honest, mom. I’m happier
than I have been in five years. I don’t know how to explain it, but
Liam’s back and it’s so good between us. I’m just happy.”

“
That’s wonderful. It’s just
that…oh, never mind.”

“
What is it? Say
it.”

Gail looked up and Kennedy was surprised to
see tears there. Her mother blinked them away and smiled. “I love
you so much, Kennedy. I just don’t know how to protect you.”

“
Protect me? Mama, why would
you—”

“
This has to be hard, right?
I mean Liam walked into this life you built with Phil. That had to
be shocking for all three of you. Maybe even confusing. And I think
of Mac and how confused she is. She’s just a baby. She needs
stability.” Gail approached and touched Kennedy’s hand. “You are
always so strong-willed and determined. Sweetheart, you charge
right ahead without thinking things through. Things are different
now. You’ve changed, Kennedy. I was there, remember? I saw when you
tried to pick up your life after you thought he died. I saw how
badly scarred you were. And eventually you moved on and became so
independent. I’m your mother, honey; you can talk to me about
anything. Even the doubts you must have concerning all of
this.”

She squeezed her mother’s hand, trying to be
tolerant of her concern. Kennedy knew it wouldn’t be easy for her
mother to accept the new reality. But she didn’t think Gail would
miss it entirely. How could her father be so in touch with who she
was and how she felt, and her mother remain oblivious?

“
I didn’t want to hurt Phil,
mama. That was never my intention. But this isn’t as hard as you
might think. Liam is my life, and I don’t doubt or regret anything
except the five years it took for us to find each other.” Kennedy
pulled her mother into a hug. Gail stiffened at first but Kennedy
felt her loosen up once she was securely in her embrace. She kissed
her mother’s cheek. “Liam will be here tomorrow for Christmas Eve.
I want us to celebrate. This is our time and it would mean so much
to him if you could be a part of our happiness. Let’s get over the
past. Okay?”

When she released Gail, she noticed a weak
smile form across her mother’s blush-pink lips. It hurt she
couldn’t even pretend to be happy for their reunion. Her mother was
a kind woman underneath all that bitter stubbornness. Kennedy had
learned a lot about being a good wife and mom from her. So she
chose to take the high road and ignore it. “Now, let’s wrap some
presents before that little four-year-old charges in here.”

“
Where’s Harper? Have you
spoken to her today?” Gail wiped at loose tears.

“
No, call her. Tell her to
get her butt over here. We got some cooking to do as
well.”

***

“
While we wait on your test
results, I have some questions for you, Lieutenant.” He and Dr.
Abrams were now in another room, different than the office, and a
lot less clinical than the exam rooms. Liam felt at ease in an open
atrium. He sat on a spacious L-shaped sectional sofa. By the
bulletin boards, tables, and chairs, and the ceiling-mounted TVs,
he imagined group meetings or events took place in this area. Many
windows faced the street so natural light flowed in.

“
Go ahead,” Liam said,
anxious to get through the session and back to Kennedy.

“
Since your return, have you
been alienating yourself from others to avoid stressful
situations?”

The question was direct and to the point,
but Liam couldn’t think of a direct answer. He wasn’t exactly the
one alienating himself. The situation alienated him. How could he
continue to walk into the house of the man who’d stolen his wife
and his kid? How could he be around the family and see Harper after
what he’d done to Eric? How could he watch his baby girl run
between two daddies and pretend it didn’t piss him off?

“
A yes or no will suffice,”
The doctor said, with a steady gaze just over the rim of his
glasses.

“
Yes,” Liam
admitted.

“
And the panic attacks? In
social situations that are extremely stressful and you can’t
escape, how often do you find yourself confrontational and/or
violent?”

“
Two, maybe three times I’ve
lost it.” Liam shifted in his seat knowing, it had been
considerably more.

The doctor didn’t react,
which only made the tension churn in his gut, then rise to a
twisting ball of regret in Liam’s throat.
This is where it all goes to hell, and the doctor sends in
the men with white coats
.

“
Do you find yourself hiding
your feelings of anxiety and fear by smiling and laughing to make
others think you’re okay?”

Liam nodded his answer.

“
Do you struggle to fall
asleep, and stay asleep?”

Liam sighed. “Yes.”

“
Are you reliving the trauma
in dreams and flashbacks…as vividly as you did when you were being
held captive?”

“
Fuck this!” Liam snapped.
“I know what PTSD is. Yes, I have it. I’m not going to waste my
time with multiple-choice questions just to say I’m fucking crazy.
I’ve let you poke and prod me. I’ve told you about what they
did—every fucking thing they did. I went through this shit for a
month with the army, navy, whoever the fuck is in charge now. I
know you have all of this in my file. Give me a fucking pill or
something and send me on my way!”

The doctor just stared at him. Liam hadn’t
realized he was shouting until he felt the burn in his throat. The
look the doctor gave him wasn’t of pity or shock. He thought he saw
a glimmer of understanding behind the man’s clinical mask.

“
Is that what you want,
Liam? Drugs?”

“
I want to get on with my
fucking life. If a pill will do it, then fine, I’ll take it. I just
want the dreams to stop.”

“
Because they’re not really
dreams, are they? You can’t tell the difference
anymore.”

“
I’ve thought at times I’ve
seen someone, felt like I’m being watched.”

“
Are you?”

Liam didn’t know how to answer. He was
certain that Alex had teams on him, and whoever she truly served
was probably tailing him as well. But the scene in the arcade
haunted him. It still felt so real.

“
Are you afraid you might
hurt your wife and your daughter?”

“
Of course I’m afraid.
They’re all I have. If I lose either one of them I won’t make it. I
won’t even try to make it.”

The doctor closed his leather binder and
Liam felt the muscles in his chest relax. He realized it was the
scrutiny that had pushed his buttons. He wasn’t a man who talked
about his feelings. He told Kennedy what he thought she could
handle, but even she didn’t know all of it.

“
You’re right. Enough of the
twenty questions. You want to get down to it, let’s. Here’s the
deal between you and me. You want to reach a whole place,
physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I can help you
express what you’re really feeling and not what you think people
want to hear from you. Together we’ll confront those nightmares
that happen when you’re awake, and maybe uncover the reason behind
the ones that started long before you enlisted.”

Liam’s gaze flipped up. Liam hadn’t
mentioned his mother or sister and the doctor hadn’t asked.

“
It’s my job to help you
start planning for a future with your wife that isn’t led by fear
and anxiety. Do you know why I can help?”‘

“
Because they pay you well?”
Liam said dryly.

Dr. Abrams chuckled. He sat back. “No.
Because after Hanoi I was you, man.” Abrams reached down and tugged
at his left pant leg, then knocked his knuckles on what was now,
obviously, a prosthetic. It sounded hollow. I carry the same load,
Lieutenant. That makes us brothers. A brother never leaves another
down.”

Liam nodded. He felt a deeper connection
with the doctor. Not just from their shared experiences, but from
his fatherly nature. There were times in his life Liam had wanted a
father figure. Remembered men he’d known as a kid in that role. He
got that feeling from his father in-law and now from Dr. Abrams.
“Okay, I’m ready.”

The doctor nodded. “Now, I’ll prescribe
something mild to address the panic attacks. It’ll make you sleepy
and it’ll affect your libido.”

“
Affect it how?”

The doctor’s bushy brow lifted. “It can
cause temporary impotence. But only if you—”

“
No thanks. I’ll do the
therapy, but I don’t want any drugs like that. What kind of therapy
will it be?”

“
Well, I’ve already enrolled
you into a physical therapy program to work on strengthening the
muscles around your knee. I suggest you stay on the cane, don’t go
often without it.”

“
Don’t have much of a
choice.”

“
Then we’ll begin with
cognitive therapy.”

“
What’s that?”

“
It’s a better way for you
to understand and change how you think about your past trauma. The
goal is for you to recognize certain thoughts that trigger stress
for you. It’ll be simple, soldier. You’ll identify each stressor
based on several exercises I put you through. Then you’ll take what
we work on into your day-to-day life and ultimately teach yourself
again how to cope. That’s the disconnect you, know? Back in that
prison they put you in, you had to learn to cope to survive.
Consider it the most important training you’ve undergone in your
military life. That’s what’s going to get you through the next
part.”

Liam had to admit the doctor was right. And
he was ready. He gave a simple nod to acknowledge his
compliance.

“
Good. Now you’re in a
different world. Five years have gone by without you, friends have
moved on, your wife has changed, and you’re a father. Here, in the
world you live in today, you’ll have to learn how to cope again.
Sometimes those lines get blurred and people we love get the worst
of it. But we can define new boundaries for you and regain
control.”

The whole thing sounded like a genie in a
bottle. He wasn’t sure if learning to cope would be enough to make
the dreams go away. But if Kennedy’s love had already helped him
find peace, he guessed it was possible. “Okay. I’m ready.”

The doctor hesitated as if he wanted to say
more. Then the moment passed. He gave a curt nod. “Fine, I need to
see you the day after Christmas. Can you make it through the next
two days?”

Liam chewed on his bottom lip. He laughed.
“Don’t have much of a choice.”

***

The knife sliced cleanly through the third
of six yellow onions she would have to dice. Her had eyes started
tearing after the second. Now her nose was running. Kennedy kept
dicing, mincing, letting her gaze drift to her sister, then back to
the cutting board. The kitchen buzzed as it always did on the eve
of a holiday. Her mother prepped the glaze for the ham, and
seasoning for the turkey. Kennedy’s job was the mixture of onions,
celery, and cranberries for the stuffing. And Harper was working on
sweet potato and apple pies.

“
You’re mighty quiet,”
Kennedy said to Harper.

Her sister forced a smile, but kept shaving
the lumpy sweet potato in her hand. Since she’d arrived, she said
barely six words total. At first Kennedy was too caught up in her
own budding excitement and mothering of Mackenzie to notice. Now
the silence was almost deafening.

“
What’s going on with you?”
Gail asked, coming between the girls to the sink. She stared at
Harper as well.

“
Nothing. Gosh, why the
third degree?” Harper moaned.

Gail looked to Kennedy, who shrugged. The
phone rang. She reached for it before her mother could. Gail
smirked and walked off.

“
Hello?”

“
Hi, you,” Liam
said.

“
Hi, you.” Kennedy grinned.
She felt her mother’s eyes on her. She walked out of the kitchen.
She could hear Mackenzie singing for her grandfather as they
watched one of her DVDs. “How was it?”

“
It was good. I want to talk
to you about it. What time you coming back over to
our
place?”

“
Can’t you come here, Liam?
Mac was asking about you and—”

“
No. I’ll be there tomorrow
first thing. I just…I don’t know. I can do it tomorrow but not
today. Is that okay?”

Kennedy tried to mask her disappointment.
“Well, I have to cook, and I don’t want to leave here until Mac is
in bed. I won’t get to you until after nine, probably.”

“
I’m a patent man. Just come
when you can.”

“
You will come here
tomorrow, you promise? It’s Christmas Eve.”

“
I promise.” She thought she
heard more than a smile in his voice. The first day of therapy was
a success. That was a good sign if he’d ended therapy on a good
note. She felt a surge of hope. “Love you.”