Beginnings (16 page)

“Perfect,” I grumbled.

“We can take you,” Adam had joined us.

“I wouldn't want to ruin your romantic evening,” sweetness oozed out of my voice.

“Don't worry Anna, the evening's not over,” Charlotte said snuggling up to Adam. I had to swallow to hold back the bile in my throat.

“You don't mind?” Sean asked hopeful.

“Of course he doesn't. I mean, what are friends for,” I answered sarcastically before making my way to our table to grab my clutch.

“Are we taking you back to the House, Sean?” Charlotte asked once inside Adam's car while she reapplied her lipstick.

I spoke up before he could answer, “That won't be necessary. He's coming home with me.”

Adam's hands clutched tightly to the steering wheel.
Good, give him something to think about.

“Oh, you probably need my address,” I gave him directions the
whole
way home.

When we arrived at my apartment Adam didn't even watch as we got out of the car. As soon as my door slammed shut he peeled out of the parking lot.

“Is something going on between you two?”

“No,” I answered trying to suppress the rage.
Why did I do this?
Now Sean was here. I had no intention of letting him into my apartment. “I'm sorry Sean, I think I've had too much champagne. I'm going to see if my roommate can bring you home. I'm not feeling very well.” Sean followed me up.

When I opened the door Haley was passed out on Jeremy's chest. He was looking down at her with adoration, gently stroking her hair.

“Jeremy can you bring Sean home please?”

“You can't be serious?” He gestured to Haley, “It's not really a good time.”

“Please,” my eyes were begging him.

He slowly got up so he wouldn't disturb Haley.

“Thank you for the evening, Sean.”

“Can I call you sometime?”

“Sure.”

His face lit up. I didn't have the energy to hurt his feelings. He headed back down the stairs.

Jeremy paused at the door. “You owe me one,” and he slammed it behind him.

I went straight to my room and put on my pajamas. I fell into bed and cried on my pillow. Haley came in and curled up next to me, wrapping her arms around me.

“Adam?”

“Yeah.”

“I figured. How many hours do we waste crying over men? We all know how ridiculous it is, but no one can hurt us like they can.” She brushed the hair out of my face.

“Tell me about your evening. I need a distraction,” I said, wiping away my tears.

“There's not much to tell.”

“When I came home I saw you in Jeremy's arms,” I started, hoping she would give me more details.

“It was nothing, we just watched a movie and I fell asleep.”

“It didn't look like nothing. I thought you had decided to go bar hopping tonight?”

“I wasn't in the mood. Jeremy and I decided to stay in and hang out.”

I knew Haley well enough to tell the evening meant more to her than that.
I'm so tired of everybody hiding their feelings.

Chapter 21

The next day I stayed in bed, thinking and feeling sorry for myself. Haley tried coming to my room a few times, but Jeremy always stopped her. He understood my need to be alone sometimes. I missed
my
Adam and I wasn't sure he was ever coming back. I really wanted this Adam to work, but it seemed like I was allowing my desires and longing to cloud my judgment. He didn't remember me and I needed to accept that. I was trying desperately to allow myself some peace of mind by separating the two, but it still hurt.

For the next few days I avoided the library because I still needed some space, but by Thursday my body ached for him. During my break I caved and went to our table, but he never showed. That’s when I knew he was trying to distance himself from me and I hit rock bottom. Tears didn’t even come. I had gone back to feeling numb just like after my parent’s death.

I skipped my next two classes and came home feeling empty. When I opened the door, Haley was stretched out on the couch, feet resting on Jeremy’s lap. She was laughing, looking like a woman in love, as Jeremy sat painting her toenails. It was actually pretty darn cute, and quite the sight. He was in total concentration while he applied the hot pink polish. They looked out of place together. He was covered in tattoos, looking like a rock god, and she looked like she had just stepped out of an Abercrombie and Fitch ad. I wanted to sneak back out the door, but Jeremy heard me and looked up. I put on the best happy face I could muster and walked to the kitchen for some water.

“Don’t get any ideas, Anna. Haley is the only girl I would ever conceive of doing this for.”

“Damn straight,” replied Haley, glowing at him as he winked back at her. For a split second I thought I saw her start to liquefy, but she recovered her cool. “Are you coming to my sorority’s party tomorrow?”

I sat down on the loveseat, “No, I can’t stomach seeing Adam and Charlotte together.”

“It’s going to be the best party of the year, it always is,” she said trying to persuade me. She must have forgotten she was talking to an introvert.

“I know this party's important to you Haley, but I can’t, I’m sorry,” and I really was, but I knew it would only bring me heartache if I went.

While Jeremy and Haley joked around with each other I tried to get some work done, but my brain had even shut that part off; it was done. I became a functional zombie for the rest of the day. I didn’t even remember if I went in to work Friday morning, but I must have because I found myself waking up from an afternoon nap with my waitress uniform on. I went to the library to do research. It was mindless work and I knew I couldn’t allow myself to fall behind.

Adam was leaving as I was arriving.

“Hey,” he spoke lightly as he tried to gauge my mood.

“Hi.”

We stood awkwardly, unsure of how to act around each other. I was thankful the numbness had taken over or seeing the way we were together would have made me cry.

“Are you alright?” He stepped closer, seeming concerned.

“Of course,” I gave him the same fake smile I’d been using all week so nobody could tell the emptiness I was feeling.

“Your eyes are different, more stormy than usual.”

“I’m fine,” I snapped. “Weren’t you leaving?”

“Yeah,” he hesitated, looking torn. He ran a hand through his hair, “Can we talk about the other night?”

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea right now.” I knew in my present state of mind I might say something I could never take back. I noticed sadness in his eyes but he never responded, he just nodded his head in understanding and left.

I found the research books I needed and sat back at my table. I welcomed the bleakness I was feeling. I was tired of hurting over Adam.

I stood up to stretch after a few hours. I noticed a book under the table. It was the poetry book I gave Adam. The way it was angled it appeared to have fallen; I didn't think it was his intention to leave it behind.

I picked up the book and ran my fingers over the cover. For a moment my throat tightened. I missed him so much.

I opened the book and leafed through the pages until I came across the poem Adam had read to me countless times. This Adam had written all over it. I became mad, furious actually.
How dare he destroy Adam’s book!
The rage was building up until my eyes stopped to read a note he had made. It was word for word what
my
Adam had said. I read the rest of his remarks and it was exactly how he had once worded it. I turned over more pages to find more notes, all expressing the same emotions I’d heard before. A part of him was still there.

I looked at the clock and realized I’d been there longer than I had thought. I needed to get to Haley’s party. I texted Jeremy to come get me when they left. They were already headed there and were at the library in minutes.

I slid into the back of his car.

“I thought you didn't want to come?” Jeremy asked, trying to figure out what had changed my mind. I ignored him and pulled out my cell phone to text Adam.

Will you be at the party tonight?

No, why? Are you going?

Yes, I thought Charlotte would make you.

It's a big party for them.

I had a family dinner I couldn't get out of.

Why didn't I think to text him before I decided to have Jeremy pick me up?
Now I was stuck going.

Did you want me to go?

It doesn't matter.

You couldn't come anyway.

For you I would have.

Are you eating dinner now?

Yes. My mom’s about to slap me for

being so rude.

Why did you answer my text then?

Because it was you.

I really wish I had known you weren’t coming.

I really wish I knew you were.

Now I'm going to be worried about who's

hitting on you all night.

“Who are you texting?” Haley turned around in her seat to try and see.

“Adam,” Jeremy answered for me.

“How do you know?” I asked, defensively.

“You only get that silly grin when he texts you. Is that why you want to come tonight? You want to see Adam?”

“He's not coming.” Sometimes I really hated how well Jeremy knew me.

“Why do you keep doing this to yourself?”

“Doing what?”

“I thought you were moving on?”

“Jeremy, its Adam. I can't walk away.”

Jeremy parked the car and we got out.

“That's fine, but your Adam is not coming back. You need to decide if you like this Adam for exactly who he is, or stop torturing yourself.” It felt like Jeremy had slapped me across the face. “I'm tired of all this drama. It's been four years, Anna. I'm done.”

“I know what I said this past week, but I read what he wrote in the poetry book I gave him. It was word for word what Adam used to say-”

Jeremy cut me off, “I don't care. He's not coming back Anna. Move on or quit coming to me about it.”

His words cut me deep and tears stung my eyes. I walked away from them before he could see any tears. Once inside I pushed my way through the crowd until I found the bar.

“Two shots of vodka.” The pledge poured them and I shot them back. “Another.”

“Are you sure?” She looked uncertain if she should.

“Just do it.” I took that one and grabbed a beer. I was furious at Jeremy, but what hurt me the most was I knew he was right. I did need to move on, I was only torturing myself.
How am I supposed to separate the two Adams?
I had no idea if I even could.

I avoided Haley and Jeremy as best I could. A group of people were playing Penny Can in the back so I joined in. I forgot how horrible my aim was, and three shots later I stumbled back into the house. I saw Jeremy and Haley in the dancing area dancing with other people, clearly trying to make the other jealous. Someone near me squealed, and I looked over to see Charlotte jumping into Adam's arms.

“You came!” She started kissing him all over, obviously drunk herself.

The night is getting better and better
. I scooted around a couple making out and found my way back to the bar to refill my cup.

Haley came tromping over and took two shots.

“Jeremy is being an ass tonight. He's dry humping some chick on the dance floor. It's disgusting. Don't listen to what he said earlier, he's in a pissy mood. Did you see Adam? He's here.”

I wasn't in the mood to be around Haley.

“The only reason he's doing that is so you'll respond to it. He calls me dramatic, but you two are just as annoying.”

“Somebody's a bitchy drunk!” Then she stormed off. I hadn't intended to hurt Haley's feelings but I couldn't stop the words from coming out.

I hid from view when Jeremy came stomping over and downed three shots.
Looks like I'll be walking home tonight.
A group of girls came over giggling trying to outdo each other for Jeremy's attention. He started flirting with every one of them while glancing in Haley's direction.

The shots took over and I walked up to him, “If you keep this up, I won't be the only one you lose tonight.”

“You can't lose something you never had. Try and remember that,” he pointed his shot to another part of the room, then pounded it back. I followed his gaze to see Adam and Charlotte locked in an embrace. I grabbed his other shot. I couldn’t remember what number that was and my lips had gone numb.

“I hope you have a fantastic night. I know Haley will.” I knew I was acting childish but so was he.

“You don't have to worry about me,” he wrapped his arms around two girls and headed off. I watched as he swayed a bit and realized he was smashed too.

My pocket rattled and I tried taking my phone out but dropped it. After three attempts I finally held it firmly.

How much have you had to

drink?

None of your business.

I was grateful for auto spell or it would have been unintelligible.

I thought you had a family

dinner?

I got out of it.

I looked around but didn't see Adam.

Where are you?

A finger tapped my shoulder. I jumped, dropping my phone and splashing beer on myself. Adam bent down and picked it up. I went to reach for it, but missed his hand. He leaned over and slipped it into my pocket.

“Charlotte seemed happy you came.” I was glaring at him. He took my beer from me.

“Are you drinking tonight too?”
Was it a full moon or something that's causing everyone to drink?

“No, but I think you've had enough.”

I swiped the shot a girl was being handed and threw it back. I couldn’t even taste the alcohol anymore.

“I'll decide when I'm done.” I walked away as gracefully as I could, stopping when I found a group starting a game of spin the bottle. I didn't even know people still did that.

“Can I join in?”

A boy immediately scooted over for me to sit. My phone buzzed but I ignored it. I watched as two people made-out. The rule was: one minute with tongue, no matter who you landed on. There were more girls than boys and I had a suspicion the guys had planned it that way, but I was too drunk to care.

I noticed Adam leaning against a wall watching me. I pulled out my phone. I forgot I had missed one.

What do you think you’re doing?

I was about to ask you the same thing.

Keeping an eye on you.

I'm a big girl. I can handle myself.

Don't you have a girlfriend you can bug?

Is that why you’re doing this?

To get back at me?

Get over yourself.

I put the phone back in my pocket. When it was my turn I glanced up at Adam. My hand stopped on the bottle when I saw the distress on his face, and I couldn't do it. I got up without saying a word.

“I hate you,” I whispered under my breath as I walked past him. He had the nerve to thank me and follow me outside. I whirled around, “Why do you keep following me?”

“To keep you safe.”