Beginnings - SF2 (48 page)

"Wow, she was furious," Jamie agreed, her brow furrowed slightly. "Did you ever talk to her again?"

"I tried to," Ryan explained. "When we got home, I called her several times, but she never picked up, and she never returned my calls."

"Her loss, Sweetie," Jamie decided. "If you didn't love me, I'd still want to be your friend. I'd take whatever little piece of yourself you'd give me."

"I give you everything, Jamie," she said with a very serious look on her face.

"I know you do, Love," she agreed completely. "And it's the best gift I've ever received. Someday I hope I'm worthy of it," she added, leaning in for a gentle kiss.

"I don't give myself away to someone who I don't think is worthy of my love," Ryan assured her. "You're the woman I want…heart and soul."

"That's just what you've got," Jamie agreed, tasting the rich chocolate that lingered on her partner's smiling lips.

They began to make the rounds, saying goodbye to everyone they recognized. Each stop took a few minutes, as Jamie snapped photos of people she hadn't yet captured. They had all obtained their commemorative booklets for the closing ceremonies, and they had their new friends sign the booklets as a keepsake. The stop at Karen Joncas' table took quite a while as they chatted companionably. Jamie got a particularly cute shot of Karen sitting on Ryan's lap, giving her a big kiss on the cheek, as her grinning lover smiled right into the lens.

When they got up to leave, Karen said, "I hope you can cook, Jamie, because 'slim' here is down about 15 pounds by my estimate." She gave her friend a pat on the butt to test her theory. Grabbing a handful she amended her estimate, "Maybe 20!"

Ryan laughed and admitted, "I am a little low. I've been having a tough time getting filled up, especially in the mornings." She was about to add something to her statement when she caught the glint in her former lover's eyes. "Don't even go there!" Ryan ordered, playfully cuffing her on the head.

When they had spoken to everyone around the dining area they made their way to the stage. Ryan loved this night, as they were all able to say thank you to the volunteers and organizers of the ride. But it was always very bittersweet, and she knew this year would be worse than most, since she had been so emotionally vulnerable throughout the week. The tears flowed freely when the various crews were introduced for a rousing thank you. Jamie's hands were sore when they had finally thanked the hundreds of men and women who had made the ride the wonderful experience that it had been.

They walked around the camp perimeter one last time, hand in hand, silently soaking up the experience. When they returned to their tent, the emotion was still too high to speak, so they held each other for a long while, each reflecting on the experience. Finally, Ryan gave her partner a chaste kiss on the cheek, mumbling, "It's too tempting tonight," before she rolled over with her back to her Jamie and went to sleep.

Her eyes opened slowly as dawn broke over the mountains. Disoriented, she shook her head to try to get her bearings; nothing felt familiar as she tried to fully open her eyes in the still-dark tent. Her face was resting on something smooth and warm, but it didn't feel quite right. She knew she was intertwined with her lover, but the parts didn't seem to be in the right order. Finally adjusting to the light, she could begin to make out where her head lay-- on a firmly muscled thigh--and she felt with her hands until she could discern that Jamie was indeed facing in a different direction, with her head resting on Ryan's abdomen.
That's why I have to pee so badly
, she thought absently.

As soon as this thought hit her cerebral cortex she shot straight up, causing Jamie to do the same. They sat, wide eyed, facing each other for a few seconds, trying to make sense of their strange positions. Finally, Ryan just shook her head, as she struggled to find her shower gear. "I need a honeymoon," she grumbled, as she crawled out of the tent into the misty dawn.

When Jamie had packed up the tent for the last time, she stood in line to put their gear on the correct truck. They were going to the closing ceremonies, but a number of people were not, so there were different trucks for the different destinations. Since their things would be delivered based on last names, they decided to put Jamie's name on everything. That way, when Mia came to find them, their gear would be together.

Ryan came back from the shower looking a little grumpy. Jamie pulled her aside and sat down with her at a picnic table. "You know, I think Mia would understand if we just went home tonight. We could be in Pebble Beach by midnight," she said optimistically.

Ryan just shook her head, still wearing a little frown.

"We could go to a really nice hotel in L.A. We could stay for a couple of days if you want," she offered. "That would be a perfectly acceptable compromise."

The frown remained, as the head shook again.

"Tell me what you want, Sweetheart," she cooed, running her fingers through the dark tresses.

That brought a smile to the grumpy-looking face. "You've never called me that before," Ryan said shyly as she looked up, blue eyes twinkling through dark bangs.

"Well you are my sweetheart," she soothed as she pulled Ryan's head down to kiss her thoroughly. "Now tell me what you want, and I'll do my best to give it to you."

"I want to be with you, and I want to wait," she moaned as she leaned into the contact. "My head's all clouded. I don't think very well when I'm turned on all the time. I don't have enough blood going to my brain," she pouted.

"You poor baby," she murmured softly. "Your head's all cloudy and confused, huh?" she asked, gently kissed the cloudy head.

Ryan just nodded slowly, still refusing to meet Jamie's eyes.

"Are you all grouchy 'cause you're horny?"

Another little head nod.

"How can I help you? I'll do anything you want," she soothed into her ear.

"Anything?" she said as she pulled back and allowed her blue eyes to search Jamie's carefully to determine her sincerity.

"Anything."

"You'd go back in the tent and have sex until they threw us out?"

"Absolutely," she said sincerely. "And when they threw us out, I'd take you to the first motel we passed and do you until you begged for mercy."

"Okay, you don't have to do anything," she said rather happily as she stood and stretched.

"What?" Jamie asked, truly confused.

"I feel better knowing that you take me seriously. As long as I know you would go out of your way to make me feel better, you don't have to," she said, as though this was an obvious answer.

"Has anyone ever told you that you were a little quirky?" Jamie teased.

"Get in line," Ryan said as she narrowed her eyes in a playful glower.

They left the campground later than they would have liked. Today's ride was only 70 miles, but it was fairly hilly, through lots of traffic, and they expected the wind to be in their faces the whole day. Ryan was still feeling a little out of sorts, and her demeanor was off enough to cause Jamie some serious concern.

When they approached the first pit stop, Jamie came over and put her hands on the broad shoulders. "Ryan, tell me what's wrong," she demanded.

She looked down at the ground for several minutes. Jamie wasn't sure if she would answer her at all, but she finally looked up. "I don't know," she said as she shook her head.

"Something must be wrong, Ryan. You've barely said a word to me since we left camp. Now tell me how you're feeling."

"I really don't know what's wrong," she replied with just a hint of an edge in her voice. "But I don't like to feel like I'm under a microscope, so just give me some space, will you?" Jamie's head jerked back at this totally unexpected rebuke. Her feet didn't want to move, so she stayed right where she was, still grasping Ryan's shoulders. But her grouchy lover shrugged out of her hold and stalked over to a group of trees, dropping to the ground dejectedly.

Jamie sighed heavily, shook her head just a bit and walked over to the line for the Porta-Potties. Ryan stayed where she was, just looking miserable. After she was finished, Jamie hopped on her bike and took off without even looking for Ryan.
I really don't want to snap at her
, she thought as she pedaled along,
and I'm afraid I will if I stay close. It's obvious she's cranky about the ride ending…I guess she just doesn't deal with this much emotion too well
. She had gone about two miles when she paused at the top of a small rise and saw Ryan, back in the distance, riding alone.
She must just need to have some time alone to get a handle on how she feels,
she thought.
She'll probably be better by the next rest stop. And by then I can give myself a little pep talk so I don't get angry with her if she's not.

She didn't see her partner for the rest of the 16-mile trip to pit stop two. After getting a power bar and some Gatorade, Jamie sat down to wait. She felt a lot better than when she had left the earlier stop. She knew that Ryan was just having an off day, and she felt much more able to be supportive after giving herself a little talk.

After twenty minutes she began to worry. She looked all around the incoming riders, finally spotting the one familiar face that she would have preferred not to see. Nonetheless, she approached the woman who had taunted her about Ryan at the opening ceremonies. "Hi um…Carly, isn't it?"

"Yeah, hi…"

"Jamie."

"Right, hi, Jamie," she replied pleasantly.

"Did you happen to see Ryan on your way in?" she asked, trying to sound casual.

"You know, I think I did," she admitted. "I saw someone off the side of the road by that hill by Point Mugu. I kinda thought it was Ryan, but that just didn't make sense for her to be taking a break there, so I didn't stop. Do you think she's okay?" she asked with real concern.

"Yeah, I'm sure she's fine," Jamie said with much more confidence than she felt. "Thanks for the info, Carly."

"I'm feeling really good today," Carly offered. "I'd be glad to ride back there and check on her."

Jamie was touched by this generous offer. "That's totally sweet of you, Carly, but if she really needs it she can catch the SAG van."

"They'd have to hog tie her to get her in that van, Jamie. If she's not here in a few minutes, I'll go back."

"Thanks," she said, as she let out a relieved sigh. "That's very generous of you."

"Hey, no big deal," she brushed off the compliment. "I should apologize to you for being bitchy on the first day. I was just jealous that you nabbed her."

"I understand," she said sincerely, as she grasped Carly's arm. "No hard feelings. I'll go look for her and let you know if I can't find her."

Ten minutes later Jamie spotted her in the distance. Carly was just getting on her bike to go back, so she thanked her again and sent her on her way. Ryan pulled in looking worse than Jamie had ever seen her. She was the color of chalk, her skin was sweaty and cold and she was shaking so badly that she could hardly stay upright.

"My God, Ryan!" she gasped as she helped her off her bike. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know," she moaned. "I just don't feel good."

"Let me help you sit down," she offered, placing her hand on her waist.

"I don't want any help," she snapped, her temper in good shape even though nothing else was.

"Ryan, we need to go over to the medical trailer," Jamie said as she tried to drag her along.

"Uh-uh," she said firmly as she stopped walking and dug her heels in to the dirt.

"What do you mean 'uh-uh'?" Jamie cried, incredulous that her normally reasonable partner was being so unreasonable. "You're going over there Ryan, and then we're gonna get SAG'd the rest of the way."

"Uh-uh!" Ryan said, sounding much more like Caitlin than herself. "I'm riding, and that's final."

With a heavy sigh the smaller woman sat down on the ground and looked up at her wobbling partner. "Sit down right here and tell me exactly how you feel," Jamie ordered, her patience beginning to flag.

Ryan heeded her wishes and allowed herself to collapse right at Jamie's feet. She hit the ground with a thump and immediately stuck her head between her raised knees, obviously struggling not to vomit. Jamie began to lightly run her fingers down her spine, trying to reassure her. It took quite a few minutes, but Ryan finally gathered herself enough to begin her story. "I just didn't feel right from the time I woke up. I'm tired and listless, and my stomach is upset. I threw up everything I had for breakfast just after the first pit stop." She paused to stare at the ground, "When you ditched me," she added quietly.

"Oh, Sweetheart, I didn't ditch you!" Jamie cried. "I felt like I was irritating you, so I just tried to give us both some space. You didn't act like you wanted me there, Ryan, but I'm so sorry you felt like I had left you."

"I was sick, and you didn't even care that I was sitting on the side of the road barfing my guts out," she said with a pout weighing down her lower lip.

"I couldn't be sorrier, Ryan," she soothed as she cradled her face with her hands. "I hope you can forgive me," she said. "I feel so bad that I wasn't there for you the one time that you needed me."

"I need you all the time, Jamie. I just needed you a little more than normal today," she said, her lower lip starting to quiver.

It felt like a vise was tightening around her heart, and Jamie struggled not to burst into tears. Her normally stoic partner was so terribly fragile and vulnerable that she just wanted to cradle her like a child and rock her until she felt better. "What can we do now?" she finally asked.

The fragile child remained for just another moment or two. Then Ryan's analytical mind kicked in, and she began to try to identify the needs of her usually responsive body. "I need a pretty long rest, and I need to force as much fluid down as possible. I really screwed up my electrolyte balance when I threw everything up and then had to ride without any fuel," she admitted glumly. "But if I can suck down some GU and keep it down I should be okay in a half-hour or so."

"What do you think happened?" Jamie asked as Ryan leaned back on one arm and sucked deeply on a bottle of Gatorade.

"I think I just woke up on the wrong side of the tent," she said with a wan smile. "The last day of the ride is usually hard, and I think I just let it get to me. I was feeling out of sorts, and I didn't pay close attention to what I was doing. But I think my big mistake of the day was drinking that energy drink they had at breakfast. I should have checked the carbohydrate level, but I'm guessing it was over the maximum I can tolerate, which is eight percent. If I drink anything higher than that, I always get sick to my stomach." Jamie checked her skin again and found that it now felt normal to her touch. "So I think I'm kinda bonking from not getting enough calories, plus add the too-sweet drink and you've got trouble."

"Well, you're looking a lot better now. How do you feel?"

"I feel better. I don't feel sweaty and clammy any more. But I knew I was in trouble when my bike shorts felt too big today. I don't know how much weight I've lost, but I couldn't really afford to lose any. I know that's the biggest problem."

Jamie put her arms around her and hugged her tight. "Are you mad at me for not being there for you?"

"No, I was being kind of a jerk. I don't blame you for wanting to be alone," she said as she stared down at the ground.

"Please don't think that Ryan. I thought you were right behind me. I just assumed that we needed a little break from each other. I would never leave you if I thought there was a chance that you needed me."

"Okay, let's just put this behind us and try to get through the rest of the day. I think I can go again."

"No, not yet," she insisted. "I want to make sure that drink settles in your tummy before you try again. I screwed up once today, and I'm not going to let that happen again."

Ryan leaned her head back and gazed at her lover with an appreciative glance. "You didn't screw up, Jamie. I'm kinda hard to be around when I don't feel well. It's really not your fault."