Behind Her Smile (14 page)

But the following day, when Miles was driving her home from school, it happened again. The world seemed to stop as the panic took over her senses. She lost touch with what was happening around her, every thought directed to just breathing. As it eventually subsided, she heard him say, “Right?”

“What?”

“I said, this is good news, right? That you started your period, I mean,” he said. “Now we’ll just be careful, and everything will be fine.” He leaned over and kissed her tenderly.

She nodded, fighting the nausea that accompanied these attacks, and wondering if she should tell him there wouldn’t be any other times they’d be together like that. At least not for now. Instead she just said, “Yeah. You’re right.”

“Wanna go get a burger?” he asked.

Her stomach clenched. “Not for me. But if you want one, that’s fine. I don’t mind stopping,” she said, all the time thinking how much she wanted to get out of the car. It suddenly felt claustrophobic in there.

“Okay, cool,” he replied, turning down the street toward the fast food drive-through.

The smell of his burger and fries just added to her nausea. “I think you’d better just drop me off at home,” she said. “My stomach’s not feeling so good.”

“Maybe you need to eat. You hardly had anything for lunch,” he said, holding his half-eaten burger out for her.

Swallowing the bile in her mouth, she replied, “No thanks. I think I might be getting sick.” She put her hand over her mouth.

“Oh man. You’re not going to barf are you?” he asked, dropping the burger into the wrapper on his lap and focusing on getting her home.

She shook her head and pulled her hand down. Now that they were headed to her house, she was feeling a little better. She just needed some time to herself to sort through everything. She knew she loved Miles, but their physical relationship was beyond what she’d planned.

As she was resting alone in her room that afternoon, Luke called. Madison’s first thought was that she was glad Miles wasn’t there. Luke’s voice tugged at a part of Madison’s heart that she wanted to deny existed. She felt excited and happy and nervous and guilty all mixed together.

“So how are things with you?” he asked.

“Pretty good,” she blurted out, knowing that was far from the truth.

“Lucy said you’ve been dating that guy, Miles, quite a bit. Are you two getting serious?” he asked.

She paused. Whatever she said would probably get back to Lucy and then maybe to Miles. “I guess,” she replied.

“So tell me about him.”

Madison started with a physical description and then led into telling him about Miles’ mom and the struggles they were having with her out of work.

“Maybe he should get a job after school,” Luke suggested.

Madison hadn’t really thought about that idea, especially since that was their time together, in more ways than one. But Luke was right. That would really help Miles’ mom out. “I’ll mention that to him,” she said, wondering if she really would. Then changing the subject, she asked, “How about you? Are you dating anyone?”

“Not really. Nothing serious.” He paused for a moment. “There’s a girl I’ve become good friends with. But there’s nothing else to it. At least, yet.”

Surprisingly, Madison felt her heart flip flop over the word
yet
. So Luke was thinking this girl might become his girlfriend.
Why should she care about that? After all she had Miles.
“Cool,” was all she said in return.

They talked for a while longer about school and their families, and Madison noticed how comfortable it was to just talk to him. She and Miles didn’t seem to do much talking these days. By the time they hung up, she had to admit she really missed having Luke around.

Stepping on the bathroom scale, Madison was surprised to see she’d lost another five pounds. Her clothes were getting looser and looser. She’d probably have to ask her mom for some money to buy new jeans and shorts. Although her panic attacks really scared her, they also curbed her appetite almost completely. The extra weight her jogging hadn’t been able to budge was now dropping off so easily.

Miles noticed it, too. “You’re looking really hot these days,” he said with a smile as he rested his hand on her rear end while they walked down the hall.

“Thanks,” she replied, looking up and smiling. It felt good to be thin, and she could see the envy in other girls’ eyes as Miles fawned over her on campus. He seemed to always have a hand on her when they were together, and he never walked away without giving her a deep and lingering kiss. Although she sometimes felt embarrassed, she also found herself feeling a little more confident and attractive.

But the anxiety and panic attacks continued at a steady pace. Miles was pushing for more “alone” time. And she knew what that meant. He promised he’d use protection, but she’d heard of a senior who got pregnant and swore she and her boyfriend had used condoms every time. When Madison casually mentioned that to her mother, she was surprised by the response.

“You know, honey, I think condoms are only about eighty-five percent effective in preventing pregnancy.”

“Really? I thought it was more than that. They kind of push them in health ed as being pretty safe.”

Her mother rolled her eyes. “It really irks me that the schools are giving kids that impression. One little tear or pinprick hole, or even just not using them correctly is all it takes for a baby to be made.”

“Well, at least they protect against AIDS, right?” Madison asked.

Michelle shook her head. “Think about it, Maddie. If condoms only prevent pregnancy eighty-five percent of the time, and pregnancy can only occur one day per month, but AIDS can be transmitted anytime, how smart is it to rely on them for safe sex?” She took Madison’s hand in hers and looked her in the eye. “I’m glad you’ve got the common sense to wait until marriage, Maddie. Unfortunately, most kids buy into the mentality that everyone’s doing it, and all they need is to be sure to use a condom.”

Madison felt a wave of nausea and the beginning of another panic attack. She just nodded to her mom and then said, “I’ve gotta go do my homework.” By the time she was in her bedroom with the door closed, her heart was pounding so loud she thought it would explode. She was sweating all over, and she could barely catch her breath. It took a full five minutes before her symptoms began to subside. She nearly bolted for the bathroom once, thinking she’d throw up any second.

When Caleb knocked on the door an hour later and announced, “Dinner’s ready,” Madison knew she couldn’t face her mother or food for that matter.

“Just tell Mom I’m not feeling good. I’ll have something to eat later,” she said.

“Suit yourself,” he replied, shaking his head and walking away.

A few minutes later, her father appeared at her doorway. “What’s going on?” he asked.

“Nothing,” she replied. “I’m just not hungry. My stomach’s a little upset.”

He studied her. “You’ve got us worried, sweetheart. Your mom and I have both noticed how thin you’re looking.”

“I just haven’t had that much of an appetite lately,” she said, trying to sound reassuring.

“Maybe you need to see the doctor. Just to be sure there’s nothing wrong,” he suggested, sitting down on the bed near her.

Madison’s stomach clenched again. The last thing she wanted to do was see a doctor. He’d probably figure out she’d had sex. Or he’d find out about her attacks and put her on some psych meds or something. Why couldn’t her parents just leave her alone?

“I’m fine, Dad. Seriously. It’s probably just girl stuff. Ask Mom. She’ll tell you. Sometimes it just makes us not feel right.”

He pursed his lips and looked her in the eye. When he put his hand on her arm, she almost let her guard down and spilled everything. But something held her back. He’d never understand. No one would. Even Miles thought everything was great. No one really knew that she was losing herself and terrified she was losing her mind at the same time.

Thankfully, her mother’s voice called up from downstairs. “Are you two coming? Dinner’s getting cold.”

“Be right down,” Steve called back in reply. Turning to Madison, he added, “If you don’t start feeling better soon, I think the doctor is our next step. Girl stuff or not. This isn’t healthy.” He gave her a hug and then stood and left the room.

As soon as he was gone, Madison picked up a magazine and started flipping through it. Maybe looking at ideas for new outfits would get her mind off of everything. As she perused the pages, she started relaxing. Noticing a couple of pairs of jeans with decorative back pockets, she nodded. “These would look good on me now,” she said in a soft voice. Panic attacks or not, she was happy to have her new figure. And so was Miles.

“I was thinking maybe we could go shopping today after school,” Madison suggested to Miles the next day. His hand was in her back jeans pocket, his new way of attaching himself to her in the hallway.

“Why?” he asked.

“I need new jeans. These are getting loose on me.”

“Yeah, I noticed that,” he replied, giving her cheek a little squeeze inside the pocket. “I guess we could stop by there on the way to your house,” he added, pulling his hand out of her pocket and sliding it up under the back of her top to rest it on her skin. “What time does your mom get home today?”

“The usual. By four at the latest.”

“Maybe we should go there first, and then I could take you shopping when she gets there,” he suggested, caressing the skin on her side.

She leaned into him and his hand slipped around to her abdomen, the fingers nudging into the front of her pants. Hugging his arm against her body, she aborted his effort. “There’s a teacher right up there,” she murmured, tipping her head in the direction they were walking.

He laughed and pulled his hand away, coming out from under her shirt and draping his arm loosely over her shoulder. “We’ll figure it out after school, okay?” he said, as he leaned down, gave her a quick but intimate kiss, and peeled out the side door.

“Okay,” she replied to the air he left behind. She really wanted to talk to him about the condom thing. If it really was only eight-five percent effective, maybe they should cool it a little. She wasn’t ready to go on the pill or anything, and she sure didn’t want to get pregnant.

When she met him at his car after school, he seemed a little down. “What’s the matter?” she asked as they drove out of the parking lot.

“Nothing,” he replied with a deep sigh.

She could tell something was really wrong, but he clearly didn’t want to talk about it. As he began driving toward her house, she asked, “What about shopping?”

“Could we skip it for today?” he asked, staring out the windshield with a brooding expression.

“Sure.”

They drove on in silence for the last few minutes. As he pulled up to the curb in front of the house and shut off the motor, he turned to her and his expression really frightened her. His eyes were dark and hopelessness shrouded them.

“What is it?” she asked. “What’s wrong?”

He leaned over and kissed her, gently at first and then almost desperately. “I need you, Maddie. You are the only good thing in my life.”

The intensity in his voice and expression scared her. “I love you, Miles. You know I’m here for you,” she replied, fighting back the wave of anxiety threatening to overtake her.

He pulled her close and kissed her again, his hands groping for her as if he couldn’t get close enough. “Not here. Not in the car. The neighbors might see,” she said. She reached over and opened her door. “Come on. Let’s go inside.” Shopping was definitely not going to be a happening thing today. And neither was the condom discussion.

Pulling him over to the couch in the living room, she tugged on his hand to sit down beside her. “Do you want to tell me what had you so upset?” she asked softly.

“It’s my mom. Her jerk of a boyfriend from Dallas just called. He’s on his way here.”

“Really? How does your mom feel about that?” she asked.

“She says she couldn’t care less, but I know differently. As soon as Buck shows up on the doorstep, she’ll be back under his thumb. The guy’s a total control freak, and she lets him take over her life every time they get back together.”

“How does he act toward you?”

“Like I’m in the way. A bother.” He paused. “But I don’t care what he thinks about me. It’s my mom I’m worried about.”

Madison nodded. “Can’t you tell her that? I mean really explain how concerned you are?”

He shook his head and gently pushed her away as he sat up. “She won’t listen to me. Or to anyone else for that matter. Her best friend tried to tell her what a loser the guy is, but mom just told her she didn’t know him—the real Buck. Right.” He stood and pulled on his jeans. “I’d better get home,” he added.

Just then the sound of the garage door opening caused Madison to glance at the clock. “My mom’s here.”

Michelle walked into the kitchen and called out, “Maddie? Are you home?”

“In here, Mom.”

As her mother came through the dining room, Madison stood to her feet. “Miles gave me a ride home.”

Michelle greeted Miles and asked, “Would you like to stay for dinner? We’re eating early because I’m having coffee with my mom this evening.”

“Oh, no, I’m leaving in just a few minutes,” he replied. Glancing over at Madison, he added, “In fact, I’d better get going right now.” He stood and held out his hand to her. “Walk me to the car?”

“Sure,” she said, lacing her fingers through his. “Be right back,” she told her mother.

Sheila Chambers glanced at her watch. Michelle was ten minutes late. She and her daughter tried to meet for coffee twice a month to keep up with each other’s lives. It seemed like Thursday nights were best for both of them. Sheila’s husband, Rick, taught a night class on Thursdays, and Michelle liked the idea of Thursdays since her classes usually had tests Fridays, meaning she had a fairly easy routine the following day. So they’d set aside the first and third Thursdays as their mother-daughter date nights.

Sipping her hazelnut latte, Sheila thought about her afternoon and her visit with her mother. Sheila was struggling to find the right part-time caregiver. Eighty-nine-year-old Joan was still full of life and love, but her memory was slipping more and more. The important things were still there—the names of all her loved ones, the basic routines of daily living, and of course all of the past. But she’d become increasingly forgetful about appointments and had left the stove or oven on several times. It worried Sheila, knowing her mother was alone and might actually start a fire by accident.

A bell chime signaled the opening of the front door of the Coffee Stop, and Sheila looked up to see Michelle hurrying inside. “Hi, Mom,” her daughter said breathlessly. “Sorry I’m late.” She pulled out her wallet. “I’ll grab my coffee and be right back.”

Sheila smiled and nodded. “Take your time, dear. No rush.”

When Michelle returned a couple of minutes later, she was carrying a tray with her coffee and two slices of pecan pie. “I couldn’t resist,” she said with a wink, placing one plate in front of Sheila as she settled into the seat across from her. “And no fussing about any diets,” she warned. “I get enough of that with Madison.”