Behind His Eyes - Convicted: The Missing Years (24 page)

The physical punishments didn’t continue with any kind of regularity after the first few weeks. They weren’t necessary. Though I was being treated in many ways, like a small child, I wasn’t. I was a college-educated adult who’d been placed in an extreme maze of operant conditioning. Something as simple as a look from Anthony’s dark eyes could still my words. The slight grasp of his fingers, lifting my chin would bring me to submission. I didn’t need or want to feel the slap of his hand. I learned the rules and strove to obey.

It was the fear of re-igniting his anger that continually weighed on me. There were days and weeks when his gaze remained light. Despite my circumstances, it was almost pleasurable living as I did during those times. I was still a prisoner, but one in a huge home with people to take care of my every need. And then, without the luxury of a warning rumble, the darkness would return.”

“Stop there,” Jim said.

Truly, Tony wanted to stop before he ever started. Working desperately to rein in the red, Tony placed the book on Jim’s desk and walked toward the window. The damn view only reminded him that he was just like the other men he saw walking from place to place. He was wearing the same khaki clothes and living the same hell.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Jim implored.

“I’m thinking that I can’t wait to wear another color.”

“Really, after what you just read, that’s what you’re thinking?”

“Really,” Tony answered stoically.

“Then think about what you just read.”

Tony clenched his jaw, holding back the red that had just started to fade. “Are you trying to get me to explode? Is that your goal? Because I’m pretty sure you picked that fuck’n passage for a reason. Why don’t you tell me what that was?”

“What made the
darkness
that Claire describes return?”

“I have no idea. She didn’t give me a time frame. It said days or weeks. When the hell was that, exactly?”

“Well, we can assume it was early in her captivity. She said she was still a prisoner. She hasn’t mentioned leaving the house. When did she do that?”

“Read the damn book. It will probably tell you.”

“Anthony, how does this book make you feel?”

“You want to know? Fine, I’m so pissed I can hardly see straight. I’m pissed that it happened, and I’m pissed that she gave the fuck’n interview. This is private information. No one else needs to know any of this shit. Besides, it was a long time ago. Things change.”

“When did they change?”

“Everything was different after she got out of prison. It was all different. The penalty was over. I could finally admit… Fuck!” Tony collapsed in the chair. “I don’t know. It doesn’t make sense.”

“During those times of light, how did you feel about Claire?”

“I didn’t. Not in the beginning. I didn’t feel anything for her… she just was there. She had a job to do.”

“Does that even make sense?”

Tony shrugged.

“Explain it to me,” Jim said.

“I can’t. It just is.”

“We need to work on this. Think about it, until our next meeting.”

“Think about what?”

“You watched your wife for years before you ever introduced yourself. You’re telling me that when you first risked everything by kidnapping and keeping her held hostage in your home, that she meant nothing to you?”

“No—yes. You’re messing up my words. She’s always meant something to me. I love her.”

“Did you then?”

“Now, I think I did. But then, I didn’t think so.”

“Would you do to her again what you did to her in 2010?” Jim asked.

Tony replied immediately, “No. I told you that. Everything was different.”

“Because?”

“Everything was different because I couldn’t do that to someone I love.”

“But you did.”

“I didn’t know that I loved her.”

Jim looked at the clock. “Our time is up. Think about this. Think about how you felt. Was that darkness she describes anger or control—or perhaps loss of control? Did you punish Claire when a business deal went south or was it because of something she did or said? Remember, you’ve told me how much you enjoyed her smart mouth during your second marriage. Yet during your first, you’ve admitted that you wouldn’t have tolerated it. Could the reason that you lashed out be that you didn’t want to admit your own feelings? Could it have been your way of keeping her as your possession and not becoming emotionally invested?”

Tony didn’t want to think about it.

Facts do not speak for themselves. They speak for or against competing theories.

—Thomas Sowell

The rising sun cast a warm glow from behind the blinds as Harry slipped from the condominium. He needed time to think, and lying in bed next to Liz as soft breaths infiltrated the predawn silence wasn’t the place. His mind swirled with answers to questions he didn’t want to ask. Pieces of the puzzle lay blatantly before him, yet he struggled not to connect them. He couldn’t. He needed more evidence, something concrete. Then again, he didn’t want it.

The last five years had been some of the best and worst of his life. He’d made decisions, some good and some bad. Unfortunately, as he stuffed his hands into the pockets of his worn jeans and walked toward the cafés in Palo Alto, Harry couldn’t decide which ones were good and which were bad.

Warm coffee had a way of clearing his mind. He thought about going to his sister’s condominium each morning and sharing a cup. At first it may not have been
sharing:
it was his way of avoiding grocery shopping. Truly though, it was more than that. It was also a time to reconnect. He and Amber hadn’t been overly close as children, yet when he moved to San Francisco after his divorce, they slowly worked their way into one another’s lives. Warm memories intermingled with sad as Harry thought about Simon. Their friendship was instantaneous. He was probably the reason Harry and Amber had become close. There was something about Simon that pulled people in and made them feel comfortable. Whether it was sports, work, or recreation, they had hit it off.

Harry and Amber had a shared past, but siblings or not, forging a friendship as adults was not always easy. That’s especially true if one or the other harbors childhood feelings and insecurities. Harry needed to be sure that the feelings he had as a young boy—watching Amber receive the love and attention of two parents—weren’t playing a role in his current conflict. In all actuality, he thought they’d made it past that. Besides, his vision was much clearer as an adult. He now saw that it wasn’t her fault. She was just the lucky one to be born to two parents. The man who’d left Harry’s mother was the culprit. Harry couldn’t even blame his stepfather. No, those issues weren’t even worth considering.

Amber was the lucky one. She always had been. Imagine at her age being the CEO of a growing Fortune 500 company. With the exception of losing Simon, everything has always worked in her favor. Now that she had Keaton in her life, she was no longer lonely. She truly had it all.

Moving into Amber’s building after Simon’s death was Harry’s first unselfish brotherly act. Though he and Liz had to give up the little house they rented in San Mateo not far from the beach, it was worth it. Amber was devastated. She poured her heart and soul into SiJo. Having Harry and Liz right down the hall gave her a reason to come home. It was in those early weeks after Simon’s death that Harry and Amber began their morning routine. It was during that time, as an adult, that Harry got to know—really know—his sister. They talked, listened, laughed, and even cried. They’d both lost someone dear. Though Harry mourned Simon, too, he knew his loss of friend wasn’t the same as her loss of a lifemate. Nevertheless, he could relate. Ilona and Jillian weren’t dead, but he’d let them go. For all practical purposes, it was the same. Despite the fact that his had been voluntary, Harry understood loss—there was a time in his life that he’d thought that he and Ilona would be together forever. It was during those early mornings, over steaming cups of coffee, that brother and sister created a connection that surpassed blood ties.

Then Claire happened. Their routine changed participants, but didn’t go away. Sometimes Amber would join them, but she often claimed work responsibilities. During those mornings in Amber’s kitchen, Harry learned more about his assignment—Claire—than he ever could have as the occasionally visiting brother. He wondered sometimes if Amber wouldn’t have developed a deeper kinship with Claire if she’d been with her more. Amber always privately blamed her attitude on the connection to Anthony Rawlings. After all, Claire claimed that Anthony could have known about Simon’s death. While originally Amber wanted to know more about that, she never fully trusted Claire. Of course, she played the caring-friend role well.

Thoughts of Claire twisted his stomach. Emily took him to see her again when he went to Iowa for Rawlings’ plea hearing. The facility where the Vandersols had moved her was a hell of a lot better than the one where Harry had first seen her. However, it was her condition that blew him away. When he’d seen her in Geneva, she was so strong and determined. He remembered her telling him off and telling him to leave her suite. Though he had only heard her message before the case was given to Agent Jackson, even then she sounded strong. Harry couldn’t fathom what had occurred to cause her current status. If it was, as Emily claimed, due to past traumatic brain injury, Harry believed he was also responsible. Yes, Rawlings beat her, but Harry had been the one to introduce her to Patrick Chester. Though the Vandersols never mentioned that, Harry felt responsible.

He wished there was anything he could do to relieve her suffering. Perhaps that was his motivation for pushing SAC Williams to step in, to go to the powers that be and persuade the FBI to come forward about both Claire and Anthony’s agreement. Apparently, there was reluctance due to the Rawlings coming back to the United States before they were supposed to do so, violating the stipulation of the agreement. Agent Jackson contacted Agent Baldwin who explained that the reason the couple traveled was fear for the Vandersols’ safety. Jackson wasn’t impressed. In his words, if Rawlings had done as he was ordered and stayed out of contact with people from his past, he wouldn’t have known about the threat to the Vandersols. Sometimes, Harry wished he could tell John and Emily the truth about his job and what he truly knows. Do they realize all that Claire and Anthony risked to save them?

The cafe began to fill, yet Harry’s thoughts were still scattered when his phone buzzed.

“WHERE ARE YOU? I WOKE UP AND YOU WERE GONE. (sad face)”

“I’M AT THE OVEN ON WAVERLY. I DIDN’T WANT TO WAKE YOU.”

“ARE YOU COMING HOME OR DO YOU WANT ME TO JOIN YOU?”

Harry shrugged, thinking that he was leaning more toward option number three.

“I THOUGHT YOU HAD PLANS TODAY WITH AMBER?”

“SHIT! I FORGOT. WE CAN CATCH UP FOR A LATE LUNCH?”

“SOUNDS GOOD.”

He sighed as he laid the phone back on the table. Even though it was a Saturday, Harry knew he needed to work this out in his head. After Liz’s comment last night, he couldn’t ignore the facts any longer. They were discussing John’s decision to move to Iowa and work at Rawlings Industries.

“I can’t understand how he can work for that company after all the things he’s said about Anthony Rawlings. I mean, it’s like working for the enemy,” Liz said.

“According to John, he had every reason to hate his brother-in-law, but things change. I think he’s doing it more for Claire.”

Liz huffed. “What is it with her? I mean people uproot their lives for her. I don’t get it.”

“Liz, she’s ill. She has a daughter and needs help.”

“Ill? Like what kind of ill?”

Harry inhaled, “I really don’t know. I just know John said that Emily wouldn’t leave her, and he didn’t want to be away from Emily and Michael. Apparently, Rawlings Industries offered him a tremendous deal to move to Iowa City and work with their legal division.”

“Yeah?” Her nose wrinkled. “I never thought of John as someone who’d sell out for money.”

“I think the money was an incentive, but he did it for…
family
.” Harry was about to say for
Claire
but he didn’t want to keep that conversation going.

“Well, Emily surprises me too. Did you see them while you were in Iowa?”

Harry tried to process: he hadn’t told her he was in Iowa to visit Claire.

Liz glanced at his expression. “I know you went there for the plea agreement. You didn’t have to hide it. Amber explained that it’s part of your job. SAC Williams went, too, didn’t he?”

Breathing easier, Harry replied, “I wish my sister would learn to keep her mouth shut. She wasn’t even supposed to know. And yes, I saw Emily and John. They were surprised to see me at the hearing. They still don’t know my true job.”

“Well, since the whole thing is over, why can’t you tell them?”

“Because that’s the job. Being undercover means… being undercover. I can’t go back to all the places and people I’ve met and be like, oh, I wasn’t really who you thought I was…”