Being a Teen (23 page)

Mary Pipher describes compulsive eating in her book about teenage girls,
Reviving Ophelia:
“Compulsive overeaters are often young women [or men] with a history of dieting. They diet and feel miserable, then they eat and feel better, but meanwhile their dieting makes their metabolism grow more and more sluggish. Over time weight loss becomes associated with control, and weight gain with out-of-control behavior. They become more obsessed with calories and weight. Soon, it is not just their eating but their lives that are out of control.” (Mary Pipher,
Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls.
New York: Riverhead, pg. 179.)

If You or a Friend Has an Eating Disorder

Seek help from someone trained specifically in dealing with eating disorders. Just addressing eating habits and nutrition won’t cut it. You don’t binge and purge (or just binge) because you crave food. Though you may not realize it just yet, it is emotional and spiritual things you crave, not food. I believe—and this is very important to think about—that it is your lost self that you crave. It is no coincidence that eating disorders usually begin at the same time that girls and boys begin to try to become popular and fit in and lose touch with who they really are.

To get over an eating disorder, it is important for you to get your real self back (stop faking), and this may not be easy without the help of a professional person trained in dealing with eating disorders. Many youths benefit from meeting with a therapist in groups of other young people. Talking about it
with others who also suffer with food addictions helps you to understand the triggers, the feelings, that cause it. Sometimes, the twelve-step program that originated with Alcoholics Anonymous is helpful. But whether it is that program or another one, you need help to develop the tools, the skills, to face your feelings, recover from the psychic pain that has led to your addiction, and get yourself back. There is a list of resources to turn to at the end of this chapter.

You will tend to resist getting help because your image of yourself is so distorted that you don’t see the sickly creature you have become. This denial of reality is called “body dysmorphic disorder.” Eating feels too unsafe, too out of control. But you need to realize that anorexia is not your friend but your enemy … perhaps your mortal enemy.

If you think you have anorexia or bulimia, ask your parents or your school counselor to arrange for you to see your doctor. The most important thing is to be sure you are safe and do not need to be in the hospital. The doctor will check your heart and do some blood and urine tests to make sure your bodily systems are functioning okay. You may need to be in a hospital to get your body to a safe place before you start a program to address your eating disorder. Most teenagers with eating disorders will start treatment in a “day program” where you will spend a good part of the day getting help. If that’s not enough, you may be admitted to an overnight eating disorders program. An example of an inpatient eating disorders program is the Klarman Center for Eating Disorders at McClean Hospital near Boston. Look at their website to learn about how these programs work:
www.mclean.harvard.edu/patient/child/edc.php

It’s so important to ask for help in order to stop feeling
weak and worthless! What getting help shows, instead, is that you are a smart person who wants to be good to him- or herself. Recovery doesn’t happen overnight. But it does happen!

As with bulimia and anorexia, compulsive overeating can be helped by joining a support group such as Overeaters Anonymous. A self-help tool for Overeaters Anonymous and other twelve-step programs is: HALT—Don’t get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.

Resources

• Overeaters Anonymous: On the website you are likely to find a location near you. Meeting information line: 1–505–891–2664
www.oa.org

• The Renfrew Center 1–800–RENFREW: the country’s first residential eating-disorder treatment facility that specializes solely in the treatment of anorexia, bulimia, and binge-eating disorder
www.renfrewcenter.com

• The Walker Wellness Clinic: 1–877–899–7254
www.walkerwellness.com

• Anorexia Nervosa and Related Eating Disorders (ANRED)
www.anred.com

•
National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA)
www.nationaleatingdisorders.org
Eating disorders information and referrals line: 1–800–931–2237

• Academy of Eating Disorders
aedweb.org

• Eating Disorders Online
www.eatingdisordersonline.com

• National Association for Males with Eating Disorders
www.NAMEDinc.org

• National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders
anad.org

• The Gail R. Schoenbach F.R.E.E.D. Foundation
freedfoundation.org

• Eating Disorder Referral and Information Center
www.edreferral.com

• Center for Young Women’s Health: “Health information for teen girls around the world”
www.youngwomenshealth.org/eating_disorders.html

• About-Face!: a nonprofit organization focusing on positive body image and body acceptance
www.about-face.org

Putting It All Together

I hope you have found this book useful. Remember that you can dip into it from time to time to remind yourself of how to handle situations that may come up, things that may not have seemed important to you the first time around.

Here are the key ideas I hope you remember:

1. Your body is still developing and you have a right to understand how it is changing.

2. Your body is sacred. It is not to be feared, nor should you feel shame or guilt regarding your body, no matter what.

3. Most girls and boys in high school are not having sex. Abstaining from sexual intercourse at your age is the best way to reduce your risk of pregnancy and infection.

4. If you start having sex, be sure you are able to discuss contraception with your partner and use it correctly
every single time.

5.
Do not start having sex just because your friends say they are sexually active.

6. Being with someone you trust and can communicate with, besides someone who turns you on, helps ensure your experience will be pleasurable.

7.
You can say “no” to any form of sex—kissing, touching, anything—
anytime you feel like it, for any reason.

8. If you have been sexually abused, assaulted, or harassed, it was not your fault. You need to talk to a trusted adult and report what has happened to you.

9. You and your partner are both responsible for talking about feelings and asking about feelings.

10. Boys and girls are both responsible for seeking each other’s permission before any sexual touching advances.

11. Find a trustworthy adult to talk to if you have questions about your reproductive health or mental health. Avoid getting all your advice from your young friends or on the Internet.

12. This is the time in your life when you should begin to figure out who you are as a person, who you want to be, what values you claim for yourself.

I hope this book has helped answer your questions about your changing body, relationships, being a sexual person, and being responsible.

With this book, I send love and encouragement.

Acknowledgments

Many people assisted me with this book. I want to thank, first and foremost, my editor, Kate Medina, associate publisher at Random House.

Lindsey Schwoeri was also my editor and her help was generous and invaluable.

Beverly Horowitz, publisher of Random House Children’s Books, provided help and advice at every step along the way.

My thanks also to Benjamin Dreyer, Leigh Marchant, Sally Marvin, Tom Perry, Anna Pitoniak, Robbin Schiff, and Theresa Zoro at Random House. And to Gina Centrello, president and publisher of Random House.

My thanks to Julia Rothman, who created the illustrations throughout the book, and to Dr. Eileen Costello for her reading of the book.

Special thanks to Dr. Lisa Bennett for being my consulting psychologist and for jump-starting this undertaking.

To be sure I was on the right track and got course correction when needed, I gave the manuscript to a number of
teenagers along the way who were honest and forthcoming in their feedback: Aviv Chaim Lis, Zach Kimmel, Amy Kimmel, Charlie Levy, Eli Levy, Kassie Spain, Kathryn Foley, Nat Wolfe, the Keenan family, and Luke Browning. I am grateful for their time and feedback. Much gratitude as well to Alyssa Tartaglione, who helped with research.

Two amazing men were generous with their help when it came to writing about boys:

Paul Kivel, educator, activist, and writer on issues that include teen dating, family violence, and raising boys to manhood. His books include
Men’s Work: How to Stop the Violence That Tears Our Lives Apart
and
Boys Will Be Men
.

And Dr. Michael Kimmel, Distinguished Professor of Sociology at Stony Brook University in New York and a leader in the field of men’s studies whose books include
Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men
.

My friend the Reverend Debra W. Haffner was beyond generous whenever I asked for advice. She is cofounder and president of the Religious Institute, a sexologist, and an ordained Unitarian minister who has written numerous wonderful books on parenting, including
From Diapers to Dating,
Beyond the Big Talk,
and
What Every 21st-Century Parent Needs to Know
.

With her important book
Dilemmas of Desire: Teenage Girls Talk About Sexuality,
Deborah L. Tolman helped me understand why girls who are made to fear their sexual desire are put at risk. Deborah is professor of social welfare and psychology at the Silberman School of Social Work at Hunter College. She cofounded SPARK, an intergenerational, girl-fueled movement-building organization dedicated to challenging the sexualization of girls in the media and beyond.

My thanks to Kim Nolte, vice president of programs and training for the Georgia Campaign for Adolescent Power & Potential. Under Kim’s guidance, scores of teens throughout Georgia read my manuscript and gave their on-the-ground and often startling feedback.

My friend the Reverend Bill Stayton was professor in the Satcher Health Leadership Institute at the Morehouse School of Medicine, professor emeritus and former director of sexuality studies at Widener University, and serves as an adjunct professor at the University of Minnesota Medical School. Bill is an ordained American Baptist clergyman. He and his wife, Kathy, read this book along the way and provided essential feedback and advice.

Yolanda Turner, assistant professor of psychology at Eastern University in Pennsylvania, helped me in addressing issues of gender identity, as did my dear friend Calpernia Addams, author, actress, and a spokesperson and activist for transgender rights and issues.

Dr. Melissa Kottke, assistant professor of gynecology and obstetrics, is the medical director at the Jane Fonda Center for Adolescent Reproductive Health at the Emory University School of Medicine in Atlanta. She held roundtable discussions on this book and gave deeply of her help and expertise.

And, finally, I must thank Donna Rohling. While she was on the board of the Georgia Campaign for Adolescent Pregnancy Prevention (since renamed the Georgia Campaign for Adolescent Power & Potential) and raising a young son, she suggested I write this book. And I did.

Resource Guide

Resources for Girls’ Empowerment

Rookie

www.rookiemag.com

An online magazine by teens, for teens that covers a wide range of topics, from music, movies, and tech to love and sex and more from a progressive, feminist perspective.

V-Girls

www.v-girls.org

A global network of girl activists and advocates inspired by Eve Ensler’s bestselling book
I Am an Emotional Creature: The Secret Life of Girls
.

The Dressing Room Project

www.thedressingroomproject.org/index.html

A girl-powered rebellion to free girls and women from media-imposed standards of beauty.

The Spark Movement

www.sparkmovement.org

A girl-fueled activist movement that collaborates with hundreds of girls ages 13–22 and more than 60 national organizations to end the sexualization of women and girls in media.

New Moon

www.newmoon.com/magazine

A magazine written by and for girls ages 8–14, with intelligent and fun articles about issues important to girls.

Resources for Boys’ Empowerment

Boys to Men International

www.boystomen.org

An organization that offers mentoring for boys ages 12–17.

Health Initiatives for Youth

www.hify.org

Check out the guide
The Dangerous Book for Boys
by Conn Iggulden and Hal Iggulden (New York: William Morrow, 2012).

100 Things Guys Need to Know
by Bill Zimmerman (Minneapolis, Minn.: Free Spirit Publishing, 2005).

Sexuality, STI and Pregnancy Prevention, and More

Go Ask Alice!

www.goaskalice.columbia.edu

An online resource for teens to ask questions and get honest answers about sex, relationships, and health in general, run by Columbia University. You can write in your own question, or read others’ questions.