Being Amber (25 page)

Xander stood. “Okay.” He sighed. “Com me tomorrow.”

Rock didn’t even acknowledge that he’d spoken.

Xander rejoined Jaci in the hall and caught a ride back to building seventeen. They waited until they got into their apartment and closed the door behind them to start talking.

“Somebody cleaned up,” Jaci mumbled as she walked further into the room and looked at the spot where Emily had lay dying. She turned to look at him.

Xander couldn’t hold back anymore. He advanced on Jaci with long strides, backing her up until she was sandwiched between him and the wall, his chest against her chest, her hair caressing his cheek. His cock pressed into her.

Jaci looked up at him wide eyed, surprised. She attempted to push him away. He grabbed her wrists and shackled them with his hands to the wall above her head.

“No, you’re going to listen to every syllable of what I have to say before I let you go.” Xander’s voice started as a thick, throaty rasp. “There won’t be any more mixed messages from me, Jaci. I was fighting it. I was fighting the concept of being a part of an us. I’m not fighting it anymore. I want you. In my mind and heart, you’re mine already.” Xander growled his words into her ear. His body still hard against her. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry for betraying your trust, for hurting you. It won’t ever happen again.” He whispered the words over her lips. Their eyes met, and then Jaci turned her face away from him.

“Look at me,” he ordered.

Hesitantly, she turned her head back to him. Pain and confusion swirled in her eyes. “I want to spend the rest of my life telling you how much I love you.” He kissed the side of her neck. He sucked and roamed raising goose bumps on her arms. “Making you feel good, hearing you shout my name when I make you come.” He practically breathed the words into her ear, and then he brushed his stubbled cheek against her temple. When he stopped speaking, he looked down at her. She was breathing heavily. The look on her face seemed like a mixture of agony and ecstasy. He gradually released his grip on her wrists and waited. Their bodies melded together. The sweet feeling of being next to her without guilt or hesitation empowered him. She was where she belonged, his to love and protect until…until he no longer could.

“Why, Xander? Why did this have to be such a painful process?” She paused and shook her head. “I’m raw. I am so raw from trying to form this bond with you and trying to form friendships with others. Nothing has been what it seems since I got here.” She placed her hands, with her fingers spread wide, on his chest and pushed him away gently.

“I’ve been sliced open and had the hope for my future cut right out of me. I’ve been duped by you and Jordan, betrayed by Caroline, all people I cared for and trusted. The one and only honest friend I’ve had since I got here was murdered right in front of me.” Jaci’s tone was even, but her look accused him. “And you, you dismissed me. Shut me down hard before ever giving us a chance. I can’t give in to you so easily anymore. At the very least I need to know why. I’ll never be able to open myself up to you if I’m afraid you’re going to wake up tomorrow and throw me away like a bad card drawn in a hand of poker.” Jaci’s innocent gaze searched his, groping for an explanation, and he knew she deserved one.

Xander exhaled a long breath and looked away from the regret plainly visible on her face. He had to have this conversation with her now, even though the only thing he wanted to do was feel her skin next to his.

She wasn’t mad. She hadn’t raised her voice. It was fair, he thought. A fair assessment and a reasonable demand. His stomach turned at the thought of revealing his secret to her. “Come on, sit down.” He pulled a chair out for her at the small table and grabbed a couple of beers from the refrigerator before he sat down opposite her. She raised her eyebrows in surprise.

“It’s not even eleven AM.” Then she turned her concerned gaze toward him. “What is it, Xander?”

“I have an automatic disqualifier, too.” Xander watched her eyes widen and jaw drop for a moment before she reined her reaction in. “It’s the same as my dad’s. Growing up, I watched my mom take care of him hour after hour, day after day. From my perspective, the perspective a little boy, it was overwhelmingly unbearable…his disease, and my mom’s constant devotion to a man that wasted away right in front of her until she had nothing.

“After my testing–after I found out that I would develop the same disease that took my father after so many long and desperate years. I made a vow that I wasn’t going to ruin the life of the woman I love, like he did,” he mumbled and then sighed. “So I promised myself no serious relationships. I don’t want to be taken care of like an infant. I wanted to protect you from it.”

She looked at him, eyes wide, shaking her head. “I don’t care about that,” Jaci said softly.

“That’s pretty much what my mom said last night. Jaci, I won’t push you away anymore. I can’t. I don’t have it in me.” He sat silently looking at her. She didn’t meet his gaze.

Jaci was quiet for a long time, too long, in Xander’s opinion.

He wanted her to rush into his arms, but he knew her silence was the consequence of his earlier stupidity. While he waited, he was overly aware of his breathing and was keenly conscious of his newfound vulnerability. It brought with it a deluge of growing anxiety, coiling around him and tightening its grip with every silent second that passed. Her next words could be either the best words he would ever hear, or the worst.

Chapter 17

When Jaci sat down at the small table in their apartment, she honestly thought there would be nothing Xander could say to erase the tightly guarded shield her tender feelings hid behind. But as the words tumbled out of his mouth, his personal burden and the choices he made, made sense. Things he had said to her that she previously thought were cruel, took on a different meaning. In his reality he tried to shelter her from his future.

“Don’t you know me by now, Xander?” She looked up into his gorgeous brown eyes. “I would take care of you whether you were in love with me or not.” Jaci reached across the table and took his hand. “But, you’re going to have to show me more than a half hour of interest before I completely open myself up to you again. I know how I feel about you. From the very beginning, I knew. But I’m going to need more consistency from you. I don’t want to get hurt again.”

“So you want me to work for it?” Xander’s tone hinted at more than a touch of irritation.

“If that’s the way you want to look at it. But I think of it more like you actually acting like you care about me and my feelings before I give myself to you completely.”

“Oh, you’re mine completely,” he said, and then fell silent. His expression was hard and the muscles of his jaw flexed and released like he was grinding his teeth. Jaci could tell he was rolling the situation over in his frontal lobe. Xander had never known any restrictions on his sex life. When he wanted it, he went out and found it. He was clueless about what it took to have a relationship.

“Fine,” he said finally. “I deserve some skepticism. But I’m not going to accept it for long. His expression was stern. “There are also some things I want.” A devious grin spread over his face and her stomach fluttered inside her, where the empty hole had been just yesterday.

“Like what?”

“You have to promise to be open to all the things I can teach you, all the variations of pleasure. You have a lot of catching up to do.”

“Xander, I don’t even know what that means,” she said, rolling her eyes.

“I’ll show you what it means. Are you open to it? All of it? Because if you want me, truly want me, you’re going to have to get to know and accept my sexual preferences.” His statement was followed by a return of the wicked smile it seemed he had a hard time containing.

“Xander…I don’t know. I don’t think I could stand another–”

He rose from his chair and knelt beside her. “Shh.” He rubbed the pad of his thumb over her bottom lip and met her gaze. “I promise you have my heart, Jaci,” he said in a baritone purr, rubbing her back. He unhooked her bra with an easy flick. “You always have.” He pushed her shirt up, leaned in and captured a nipple in his mouth, sucking it in hard. It was a good thing she was sitting, because the circling motion of his tongue in combination with the pulls of suction weakened Jaci’s knees.

She tried to push him away. “No, Xander. I’m not ready for this, this…” She searched for the right word. “Whatever this is,” she yelled.

He cupped her face with his palm and gently kissed her. “I love you, Jaci.” Their faces were mere inches from one another’s. He caressed her cheek with the back of his hand. “Hold back if you have to. Say the word and I’ll stop. But don’t, if you’re only doing it because you’re scared. I will never push you away from me again.”

Jaci was torn. She wanted to be with Xander so badly. Her heart ached with the need to love him and to be loved by him. She wanted to experience everything he wanted to give her, and to give back to him everything she was. But only a stupid woman made the same mistakes over and over again and expected a different outcome. Plus, being around her could be dangerous when the Gov decided to pursue Caroline’s killer.

No. She couldn’t be with him, at least not now.

With tears in her eyes and a broken heart, she shook her head. “I’m sorry.” She leaped up and ran to the bathroom.

Jaci sat on the cold white tile of the bathroom floor.

The man of her dreams offered his love, the love she’d longed for, and now she couldn’t do it anymore.

The bathroom door opened, and Xander stood over her, glaring. “Don’t run from me,” he warned. “Don’t ever run from me again. Your allotted time for skepticism about my feelings is officially over. And don’t think for one minute that the Gov will come after me. They won’t. Captain Rush wouldn’t let them get away with it and they know it.”

He pulled her up from her spot on the floor, picked her up and threw her over his shoulder.

“What are you doing?” Jaci squealed.

“We have to start somewhere. You can wait to have sex with me until you’re feeling less skittish. It’s okay. It will give me some time to fill you in on some other talents I have and skills you’re going to need as my girlfriend.”

Jaci giggled. She couldn’t help herself. Deep down inside, this was what she wanted. She wanted him to overrule her. To not take no for an answer. She wanted him to fight for her and she was unbelievably relieved that he was doing just that.

“Think it’s funny?” Xander slapped Jaci’s ass.

“Ow.”

“No laughing.”

“Is this going to be more sex that isn’t sex?”

He growled and she giggled again.

“You said you’re open to everything. Have you changed your mind?”

“No.”

“Good.” Xander threw Jaci on the bed and went straight for the button of her pants. He opened and unzipped them, then jerked the pants off with a savage yank that pulled her half off the bed. He followed it with an easy tug of her shirt over her head. “Lay in the middle,” he ordered, as he undressed himself. Jaci reacted to his authority. Her nipples puckered, and goose bumps rose on her arms. She swallowed hard with a dry mouth. This was insane. She was nearly panting as she crawled on the bed, giving Xander a perfect glimpse of her from behind, before she lay in the center.

“Now you’re teasing me?” he rumbled. “You’re going to pay for that.”

Jaci looked at him as he entered the bed beside her. His expression was dead serious. His gaze surveyed her like a king would survey his empire.

“Put your hands above your head.”

Hesitantly, she did.

He leaned over her, placing his cock mere inches from her face. She lifted her head closer, wanting to swipe it with her tongue but she couldn’t reach.

Jaci heard the clicks and felt the cold metal around her wrists simultaneously. She was cuffed.

“Now, you’re mine,” he said, backing away from her.

“What are you going to do?” she demanded.

“What do you want me to do?” he countered as he ran the pad of his index finger from between her breasts to her belly button.

“I–I don’t know.”

Xander leaned over and placed his lips right next to Jaci’s ear. “Don’t worry. I won’t fuck you no matter how much you beg me. After all, it’s going to take time for you to open up to me, to trust me again, right?” A slow, deep chuckle emanated from his chest and as the warm breath hit her ear, Jaci’s body responded with a rush of liquid heat warming her sex.

He rose from the bed. His nude body was breathtaking. Perpetually tanned skin, a gift from his Greek ancestry, highlighted the architecture of his build. She followed his movements as he strode to his side of the room. His erection bobbed and her blood boiled.