Being Magdalene (22 page)

ALL OUR WORLDLY FAMILY
were together again in the New Year for Daniel and Xanthe’s wedding. Her parents had also invited us to a family barbecue at their home in Nelson the night before, when there would be a rehearsal for the wedding.

‘Come early,’ Xanthe said. ‘We can’t wait to see you all.’

‘Do you think Xanthe’s hair will still be pink?’ I asked Zillah.

She shrugged. ‘Probably.’

I laughed at her. She so didn’t care about fashion. She had two rules — be comfortable and don’t look like a Faith girl.

We travelled to the South Island by ferry the way our family had done when we moved to Nelson from Wanganui when I was five years old. Rebecca stood beside me on the deck, watching as the hills grew fainter. ‘I wonder if I’d still be in the Faith if we’d stayed in Wanganui.’

Kirby said, ‘Hey, enough of the wistful stuff. Think
about it, Bex baby — you’d have three kids by now and be married to a dreeb.’

Rebecca stared out to sea. ‘Yes, but I’d still have Rachel.’

‘Sorry, sweets. Hard for you going back to Nelson, I know. Daniel should have fallen in love with a girl from Sweden. I’d like to go to Oslo.’

‘Stockholm!’ Zillah said.

‘Oslo’s in Norway.’ I grinned at our cousin. ‘Poor Kirby — you didn’t have the advantage of a Faith education.’

Rebecca shuddered. ‘Okay. You’ve convinced me. Names on maps. Country and capital city. Some education. Not.’

It was strange to be returning to the city we’d run from, although I didn’t truly feel it until Jim was driving us through the familiar streets. Zillah reached for my hand just as Nina turned round from the front seat to ask, ‘Okay there, my chicks?’

‘A bit shaky,’ I said. ‘If we see Elder Stephen I think I’ll be sick.’

‘Vomit on his shoes,’ Jim said. ‘I guess it wouldn’t do to run him over and flatten him. Pity.’

We arrived at the address Xanthe had sent, got out and waited for the others to park their cars so that we could all arrive at the house together.

Zillah kept hold of my hand as we climbed the steps up to the house. ‘It’s weird, isn’t it, Magdalene? Being back in Nelson and we can’t see Luke or the others. I’d really like to see Hope and Theodore.’

She was right, it was almost like I could feel the
Elders reaching skinny hands out to claw us back. Abraham had told Luke we were all coming, but we knew he wouldn’t be able to join us. This wedding would be too worldly for our father.

Talitha came up beside us. ‘Are your hearts easy, my sisters?’

‘It all feels pretty surreal.’ I slid my hand through her arm. ‘Will you visit your family, Talitha?’

Her face lit up. ‘We are staying with them tonight.’

I was glad for her. I wished Father was like Brother Ebenezer — but then, if he was, we’d probably still be in the Faith. Too hard a topic for such a day.

Xanthe and Daniel came running the moment they saw us. Her hair was still bright pink and Daniel wore clothes outrageously different from Faith ones — trousers and shirt both of a startling green. Miriam said, ‘Whoa, a bit out there for a Faith boy, Daniel Pilgrim! Where did you get all that?’

‘Op shop,’ he said. ‘Fifteen bucks. Xanthe loves it.’ He looked at her and we realised he’d wear velvet polka dots or sacking if it would please his bride.

Xanthe’s family welcomed us — her parents, her three brothers, and two grandmothers, both with pink stripes in their hair to match Xanthe’s. I breathed out. We were in a different life in a city that felt warmer and without threat.

One of the grandmothers handed me a drink. ‘Call me Helena, my dear, and, if you can bear to, I’d love you to tell me about that atrocious school you had to go to.’ She saw my look of surprise and added, ‘I’m a teacher. Daniel’s told me a bit — just enough
to make my blood boil.’

‘Are you sure you want to know?’ I asked. ‘It’s a hot day to have boiling blood.’

‘I’ll risk it, but good point. Come over here.’ She led me to the shade of a tree. ‘Magnolia. Once a teacher, always a teacher. Max, get your butt off that chair and bring me a wine. White, please.’

Her grandson got up, swept her a bow and said, ‘At once, Your Majesty.’

She waved him away and we settled down to talk. I thought her blood might really boil when I told how Sister Leah would hit our knuckles with her ruler. She was spluttering with fury when Miriam came over, saying, ‘At least I was spared that. But, Magdalene — why on earth are you going to a girls’ school next year? You’ll have to wear a dumb uniform too.’

I looked at Helena who, I’d discovered, was the principal of just such a school in Auckland. Her eyes were bright with interest but she was looking at me, waiting for my answer.

Miriam plonked down beside us on the grass. ‘You should change. It’s not too late.’

‘I don’t want to change,’ I told her. ‘I’m Magdalene, and this is what I want. This is what’s right for me.’

‘You’ll get sick of it,’ she said. ‘You’ve worn a bloody uniform most of your life. I bet Zillah won’t be so crazy.’

I laughed at her. ‘You should know by now that Zillah doesn’t care what she wears so long as it’s not Faith clothes.’

Miriam turned to Helena. ‘Tell her! She needs to learn to express herself. To live in the world. I can’t stand the thought of her being locked up with a bunch of girls.’

Helena looked amused rather than angry. ‘Sounds to me like you’re trying to boss her around just like that odious Rule did.’

Miriam stared at her, her mouth open, then she burst out laughing. ‘You’re so right! Sorry, Magdalene. You go to your girly school — with my blessing.’

Just then the sound of glass shattering on concrete made me up look up.

‘
Father!
’

I don’t know if I said it, or if we all did, but it was him, all grey and sad in this happy garden. I stood up, with Miriam white and tense beside me. She grabbed my arm, holding tight. She was shaking.

‘Luke! Look, Miriam — Luke’s here too.’

I started forward, dragging her with me, but stopped as Rebecca shot past us. ‘Rachel! It’s you, it’s really you!’ Then they were in each other’s arms, both of them weeping and laughing.

Saul stood behind them, watching his wife. I searched for Hope and Theodore but they hadn’t brought them, and I knew then that Rebecca’s heart was going to be broken all over again.

I looked round for Zillah. She was running but not to our father. She was running to me. ‘Are you all right, Magdalene? Why is Miriam holding you up?’

Miriam didn’t seem to hear her.

I took Zillah’s hand. ‘I’m fine. Honestly, I am.’

She peered round me to check on Miriam. ‘Is she going to faint?’

Miriam heaved in a breath or two. ‘Not bloody likely. I won’t give him the satisfaction of seeing me flat out on the ground. Arse. The nerve of him, coming here.’

I let her rant. She didn’t let go her clutch on my arm and she was still shaking.

Like me, Zillah couldn’t take her eyes off Rebecca and Rachel. ‘Rebecca’s mascara will run,’ she said. ‘Why has Father come? He should turn away. He shouldn’t even look at Daniel and Miriam and Rebecca. Or us. It’s against the Rule.’

Her hold on my hand tightened as we watched our father walk towards Daniel in his outrageous green clothing.

Miriam muttered, ‘Die, damn you. Die and go to hell.’

Daniel didn’t move — it seemed to me that he couldn’t. Xanthe glanced up at him, her face troubled.

Father stepped on to the lawn and took three paces towards the son he’d allowed to be banished for wanting to become a doctor. ‘My son.’ He drew in a ragged breath and then another.

Xanthe put her hand on Daniel’s arm. Her touch seemed to waken him but he still didn’t move.

‘Daniel?’ she whispered.

It was another few seconds before we heard him suck air into his lungs. Then he started walking, steadily enough, to where our father waited for him, heartbreak in his eyes.

We watched them, all of us, even Rachel and Rebecca with their arms still around each other. Beside me Miriam was tense, every muscle vibrating like darning wool pulled too tight.

For ages neither of them could speak a word until our father said in his broken voice, ‘My son … I pray daily for your forgiveness.’

Forgiveness
. How could Daniel forgive him when he’d been hurt so badly and so needlessly?

I thought Daniel wasn’t going to give him an answer. He studied our father’s face, his own expression unreadable, until at last he said, ‘Thank you for your prayers, Father. You have my forgiveness. And my prayers.’

He held out his hands to our father who looked as though one touch would send him to the ground in a thousand pieces. It seemed a huge effort for him to take the hands of his banished, worldly son, but I believed it wasn’t from fear of the Rule and damnation. I believed it was because he now knew how wrong he’d been, and the full weight of his loss was crushing him. He held Daniel’s hands for a brief moment, then stepped back.

He didn’t greet Xanthe and he didn’t try to speak to any of the rest of us, but he watched us as we hugged Luke, as we greeted Rachel, and he saw our joy in being together again, in being a family. It would cut his heart to ribbons.

I should have gone to him, asked for his blessing, but knowing he’d protected Mother from Elder Stephen when he hadn’t protected us held me still.
Then his gaze fell on me and I couldn’t bear the pain I saw in his face. I walked to him but all I could say was, ‘Father.’

‘My daughter, my very dear daughter.’ He put a hand on my head.

Saul’s voice broke the moment and I thanked the Lord for it, because if my father had spoken of forgiveness I’d have had no answer.

‘Brothers and sisters,’ Saul said, ‘we are blessed to meet with you this day. The Faith we now follow permits contact with those who are on the outside. We ask you to understand such contact will be limited. We want to keep our minds on the Lord without the distraction of too much worldly influence.’

Rachel held Rebecca’s hands. ‘Do you understand, my sister?’

Rebecca pulled away to cover her face. She didn’t reply. Rachel regarded her gravely, her own face serene and patient, until Rebecca dropped her hands, gave her a twisted smile and said, ‘No, I don’t understand but I love you and, if that’s what you want, I’ll do as you ask. I won’t pester you, but please,
please
write to me, my dearest sister. Tell me when important things happen.’

‘You have my promise and my loving prayers always,’ Rachel said. She leaned towards her twin to whisper something that made Rebecca hug her again.

Then Rachel was walking away with her husband, back to their car — back to their narrow lives.

Rebecca stared after her. ‘I can’t believe she’s happy. I want to meet her children. Why —’

‘What did she tell you?’ I asked.

She repeated Rachel’s words but all her attention was on her vanishing twin. ‘
I am glad you ran away. I am glad you did not marry
…
him. You are my once and always sister. I will always love you
.’

Zillah was right about the mascara. More tears ran down Rebecca’s face — she swiped at them, spreading the dark bruising wider.

My heart ached. It shouldn’t be like this. Rebecca should still have Rachel in her life. We should be able to see Hope, to meet Theodore. It wasn’t going to happen. They were being protected from our worldliness. Beside me, Zillah muttered, ‘Dumb, stupid Rule.’

She fell silent as we saw Father bow his head in defeated acceptance when Miriam gave him a hardeyed stare before turning her back on him — just like he’d once done to her. Luke took his arm to guide him to the car.

Nobody spoke as we watched them leave, then Miriam said, ‘Little Luke. He’s all grown up.’

‘And with a mind of his own, thank the good Lord.’ Abraham put his arm around Talitha and said to Daniel, ‘You okay there, brother?’

Daniel rubbed his hands over his face. ‘Not sure. That was … did it really happen?’

‘Believe me,’ Miriam said, ‘it did.’

Xanthe’s oldest brother tapped a glass to make it ring. ‘Grub’s up, people. Come and eat.’

I lingered behind to help Rebecca clean the mascara off her face. ‘Rachel’s truly happy, Rebecca.
She’ll obey Saul but she’s not going to turn out like Mother, because they discuss things. She has to use her brain. She doesn’t just obey because it’s the Rule.’

My sister gave a twisted smile. ‘You understand her better than I do now. I’d always hoped —’

Miriam gave her a push towards the table set out under the shade of an umbrella. ‘Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be married to that old pervert.’

Rebecca gave herself a shake. ‘True. Come on, let’s not think about them. Let’s go celebrate.’

Of course, it was impossible not to think of them, but by the time the next afternoon arrived we’d talked ourselves out about the visit. Enough. We were determined to make Daniel’s wedding a happy one.

I had no idea what a worldly wedding would be like. I’d thought only that it wouldn’t be quite the same as a Faith one but wouldn’t be too different either.

Wrong. For a start, everyone looked happy. My family sat together in the front row of the church with Xanthe’s family across from us. Daniel came in with Abraham as his best man, and when the music rang out he turned to watch Xanthe walk towards him on her father’s arm.