Belonging (33 page)

“I’m glad.” I snuggled contentedly in
his arms.

“Are you going to let me
reciprocate?”

“Later, okay? I just really wanted to
do that for you.”

“Alright, love.”

“Am I too heavy? This must be
uncomfortable for you,” I said as I reluctantly started to get
up.

Zan pulled me right back down again.
“Stay right where you are. This is perfect.” I smiled as I settled
down again and wrapped my arms around his shoulders.

“My sweet, beautiful Gianni,” he
murmured, holding me close. I felt so good, so safe in his arms.
“How’d I get to be so lucky?”

“I’m the lucky one,” I told
him.

“Far from it,” he murmured. Then he
said, “Thank you for helping take care of things this morning. I
appreciate the way you stepped in and problem-solved.”

“I liked doing it.”

“That’s the once-aspiring nurse in
you, I suppose. It’s a shame you never followed through with that.
A lot of people could have benefitted from your kindness and
compassion.”

“It wasn’t meant to be,” I said,
shifting a bit on his lap to try to make it more comfortable for
him.

“What do you want for your future,
Gianni? You’ve never really said.”

“You.”

Zan grinned at that. “You’ve got me
already. What else?”

“If you’re asking about a career, I
don’t have an answer.”

Zan tightened his arms around me and
kissed my hair. After a while he said, “I was up last night, trying
to figure out my life.”

I glanced up at him and asked, “You
couldn’t sleep?”

He shook his head. “That’s alright
though, because it gave me time to think. I had a lot to sort out.
I’d assumed for such a long time that my career was a thing of the
past, but these last few days surprised me. Seeing those fans
rallying around us touched my heart. I told you I wanted a way to
thank them, and the obvious way to do that is to sing for them. But
then, I had to ask myself if I had it in me to tour again.
Performing was a huge part of me for such a long time, and I
realized I really do miss it.”

I sat up and looked at him, cupping
his cheek with my gloved hand. “But that’s what almost broke you,
Zan, the pressure of touring and of giving of yourself until you
had nothing left to give.”

“It’d be different next time, though.
It’d be on my terms. Maybe I’d only do one gig a week, or even one
a month. The timetable wouldn’t be set by a record label or an
agent or by concert promoters, because I don’t have that anymore. I
think I could do it, Gianni, but this affects both of us so maybe
you could plan it with me. Maybe we’d start small, just do one
concert and see how it goes. Then we could take a break before
deciding what was next.”

“I don’t know, Alexzander. This makes
me nervous. Are you ready for something like this?”

“No, I’m not. I couldn’t
possibly go out and do this tomorrow, or next week, or even next
month. But I think I
could
do this eventually. I’ve made so much progress in
a short time, more than I’d believed I was capable of, and it’s
made me optimistic. For the first time in ages, I feel excited
about the future. I know this conversation is really premature, but
the thought of performing again and sharing it with you makes me
happy.”

“Really?”

Zan nodded. “I loved performing in the
early days, I absolutely thrived on it. It wasn’t until years later
when I got so burned out that my favorite thing became a nightmare.
I think I could return to that place, back to the sheer joy of it,
as long as you’re with me every step of the way.”

“I would be. But I hope you
take your time with this decision and do a lot of soul searching,”
I said, resting my forehead against his. “Make sure it’s truly
what
you
want,
not an obligation you feel to the fans. They love you and they
don’t want you destroying yourself. Please make sure you’re not
doing it for me, either. You don’t have to prove anything to
me.”

“The truth is, I’d be doing it for all
of us, for you and me and the fans. When I think about traveling
the world with you and singing again before an audience, it’s
exciting! I know I need to get stronger first, and as I said, this
discussion is quite premature. If I did this, it’d be months from
now. But I wanted to share this idea with you, just like I want to
share everything with you.”

I smiled at him, then rubbed the tip
of his red nose with my gloved knuckle. “Come on, let’s go back to
the cabin and thaw out. I’ll bet your cute little butt’s frozen to
that boulder by now.”

“I’ve lost all feeling in it,” he said
with a grin.

I put the snowshoes and my sunglasses
on, and we walked back down the slope hand-in-hand. After a while
Zan said, “I’m going to try talking to a counselor again. I know I
told you I wasn’t keen on the idea, but the more I think about it,
the more I realize it’s actually a bit narrow-minded to lump all of
them together based on a few bad experiences. I bet I could find
someone who’d keep me moving forward. I have all this momentum
right now, and I’m afraid of backsliding.”

“I think that’s a good idea. Did you
come up with that last night, too?”

“I did.”

“
You were very productive
while I was sleeping,” I said.

“Oh, I was. I haven’t even told you
the best thing I did yet.”

“What is it?”

“I went outside and turned on the
Jacuzzi. It should be nice and warm by now, which is a damned good
thing, since my legs have begun to freeze into icicles. I even used
your smartphone and watched a video on how to adjust the chlorine
levels and all that, and I tinkered with the water to make sure it
was ready for us today.”

“I don’t know how you got up and made
breakfast after all of that.”

“Oh, I didn’t get up,” Zan
told me. “I was
still
up. So when I fall asleep later, don’t write me off as an old
fart. That nap will be perfectly justified.” I grinned at him and
he offered me one in return.

We headed straight to the hot tub when
we got back. It felt amazing, after the initial shock of lowering
our freezing lower halves into the steaming, swirling water. We
went in naked and ended up making out like a couple of horny high
school kids as Zan jerked me off, reciprocating just like he’d
promised. I stood up right before I shot, trying to not completely
disrespect our hosts’ Jacuzzi, and ending up spraying the long pine
needles that carpeted the ground around us before quickly plunging
back into the water. “Bonus points for distance,” Zan quipped.
“That was quite impressive, really.”

“Thanks. See? I do have some skills.
There’s hope for me after all.”

I slid over so I was right beside him,
and he put his arm around me. After a while I ventured, “So, the
pharmacy is probably going to be closed by the time Chance gets up
here. I was kind of concerned about that, but I have to say, it
seems like you’re doing well. It looked like you were a little
depressed this morning, but that doesn’t seem to be the case
anymore. Am I wrong? Are you just covering up what you’re really
feeling for my sake? I hope you never do that, because I want to
know what’s going on with you.”

“I’m still on the verge of a
full-blown mood episode, actually. You’ll learn to recognize them
as you get to know me. Or, well, maybe you won’t since I’m planning
to stay on my meds so neither of us has to keep dealing with
this.”

“What’s it like for you?” I asked
quietly.

“I’m not sure I can explain it
properly, but I’ll give it a go.” He stopped to think about it
before saying, “What I was talking about, being up all night and
feeling highly productive? That’s part of it. My sleep gets
completely disrupted. An odd thing is that, for me and for some
other people with this disorder, it often occurs in what my doctor
calls a mixed state, depression and mania at the same time. Most
people think of bipolar disorder like a pendulum swinging. One day
you’re incredibly happy, the next you’re completely depressed. But
it’s not necessarily like that. For me, I can feel both hopeless
and energized at the same time.”

“I can’t imagine what that must be
like.”

“In a way, I guess I’m used to it.
I’ve been living with it since my late teens, which is when I had
my first episode, though I wasn’t diagnosed until my mid-twenties.
Really, I think the worst part is what it does to the people around
me. I can just ride it out. No matter how bad it gets, I’ve always
been able to hold on to the knowledge that it doesn’t stay that way
forever.” Zan sighed and turned his head away from me.

“What’s wrong?”

“I just...I hate talking about this
with you and admitting the full extent of my issues.”

“Why?”

He shrugged and said, “There’s so much
stigma associated with mental illness, and I feel like nobody
really understands, not unless they’ve lived it. I can’t tell you
how many times I’ve tried to explain my disorder to a friend or
loved one, only to have them look at me differently from that
point, or write me off as crazy. It really hurts to be betrayed
like that by someone you trust.”

He still wasn’t looking at me, so I
climbed onto his lap impulsively, straddling his thighs as I threw
my arms around his shoulders. “You can tell me anything,
Alexzander. I want you to know that. I love you and nothing would
ever change that.”

Zan looked at me, staring deep into my
eyes. “Even now that you’re starting to see the whole picture, now
that you’re realizing how deep my issues run, you still want this?
Are you sure?”

“Of course.”

He put his arms around me and buried
his face in my shoulder as he whispered, “Thank you.”

*****

Zan was napping in the master bedroom
when Chance arrived late that afternoon. “Hey,” I said, greeting
him with a hug and a pat on the back. “Thank you for helping us
out.”

“Not a problem. I’d been glued to the
news watching what was happening with you and your boyfriend, and I
kept wishing there was some way I could help when I saw how you
were being completely hounded by the paparazzi. Now I
can.”

“
Come on in,” I said,
leading the way into the cabin. “Are you hungry? I can make you
some dinner.”

“Thanks, but I grabbed some fast food
on the way up here.”

“Where’s your stuff?”

“In the SUV. Your brother booked me a
room at that big hotel down by the lake,” he told me.

“Why? There’s plenty of room
here.”

Chance grinned at me. “Dante said you
and Zan need your privacy, and he’s right. Oh, and speaking of your
brother.” He pulled a thick envelope out of the inside pocket of
his black pea coat and handed it to me as he said, “He gave me this
and called it spending money. There’s ten thousand dollars in that
envelope. I’m not going to ask why anyone has that kind of cash
lying around, but I am going to ask, is he crazy? He doesn’t know
me at all, and he hands me ten large! I almost said something to
him, like, dude, you just gave a fucking fortune to a rent boy.
Who’s to say I wouldn’t take the money and run off to Vegas or some
shit? He’s far too trusting.”

“He’s really not, but I let him know
you’re completely trustworthy.” I opened the envelope, counted out
a stack of hundred dollar bills and handed them to him. “Here’s
your first week’s salary in advance.” I handed the envelope back to
him with the rest of the cash inside it. “This is for groceries and
so on.”

“What the fuck are you planning on
eating that’s going to cost thousands of dollars?”

I grinned at that and said, “Well, Zan
does have a penchant for six dollar cans of tuna, and I
occasionally try to force exotic fruits on him. It could add up.
Except for that, though, I’m guessing the money’s going to last a
while.”

Chance took a few bills out of the
envelope, sticking them in his pocket before putting the remainder
on an end table. “That kind of money is way too big a
responsibility. I’ll just leave it here and take some as needed.
You really don’t have to pay me so much, either. It’s not like
you’re asking me to do a hell of a lot.”

“I asked you to drop everything and
hang out in Tahoe. That deserves compensation.”

He smiled and said, “What a hardship,
having to go someplace that looks like a Christmas card. How will I
survive?”

“It’s hazard pay,” I told him. “You
could freeze your nuts off, then where would you be?”

“In need of another line of work.
Who’s gonna want a rent boy with no nuts?” I’d always liked the
fact that he was so candid about what he did for a living. We
settled onto a couple chairs near the blazing fireplace and he
said, “I’m glad you didn’t move to New York. I was really going to
miss you.”

“I would have missed you, too. Also,
going would have been a mistake of epic proportions. I don’t know
what I was thinking with Jason Jax. You should have heard the
things he said when he saw the footage of Zan and me at the
airport.”