Benevolent (4 page)

She stared at me wide-eyed, probably reflecting the same expression I had on my face. It was wrong. I shouldn’t have been on that side. I shouldn’t have been seconds away from jumping off a dock in water that was probably too shallow to even be jumping in. But again, she made me stupid.

“Hey,” she said as she grabbed my hand. “Just know that if you ever want to talk, I am a really good listener.”

I didn’t even get a chance to respond before she jumped forward, pulling me with her.

I got to the water and tucked my legs up, not releasing them until I was on my way back up to the surface. It was deeper than I had thought—the tide must’ve been in—and as I stood, the water came to my shoulders. Eden had to have been almost a foot shorter than me, so I knew she wouldn’t have been able to stand.

Her head pushed through the surface as she took in a lungful of air and grabbed ahold of me. “I can’t swim.” She sounded panicked and out of breath, so I pulled her to me and held her around her waist.

Her legs instantly went around me and squeezed. I wished she hadn’t done that, and as soon as she did, she gasped. I knew she felt it; there was no way she couldn’t have. It wasn’t even a full hard-on, but it was enough behind my wet shorts for her to feel it as she was pressed completely up against it. I was mortified, and her silence let me know she was, too.

“If you can’t swim, why the fuck would you jump in the water?” I asked, hoping to conceal my embarrassment.

“You said it wasn’t that deep.” She was still out of breath and I didn’t know if it was from the jump or from my erection pressing into her.

“It’s normally not,” I responded as I walked her back up to the shore.

We got to where she could reach and she let go. That’s what I had wanted her to do two seconds before that, but once she did, I wished she had held on longer. It had been too long since I had legs wrapped around my waist and I didn’t realize how much I had missed it. I knew it was wrong for wanting it, but damn it, I couldn’t help it.

We walked back up to the shore in silence. As soon as she turned around, my eyes went straight to her wet tank clinging tightly to her chest. My half hard-on turned in to a full-fledged erection. I tried to rearrange myself, but there was no use. And she noticed. I saw her attention being pulled to my noticeable cock. I hung my head in surrender. Maybe partly guilt, too.

She walked closer to me and I knew I should’ve stopped her, but I didn’t. I stood there, waiting to see what she was going to do. Her hands came up and held my face. She made me look at her. I didn’t want to at first. I had an internal war going on inside my head. I shouldn’t have been there with her. I should’ve stopped it a long time before then. The words were at the tip of my tongue.
I can’t
. But they didn’t come out. I wanted to blame it on the lack of physical affection, but that was just a lame excuse douchy cheaters used. I kept telling myself to look away. I kept trying to think of Gabi, but I couldn’t. All I could do was look at Eden. Her lips. Her eyes. No matter how badly I wanted to turn away, it was as if something was holding me there.

Her fingernails began to scratch at my scruff until I was literally groaning in pain. My balls ached and my cock throbbed. The simple touch of her hands on me had my nerves misfiring on all cylinders. I wanted to reach out and hold her, touch her, but I didn’t. It seemed to be the only restraint that I had in me. I guess it was simply because I couldn’t move.

Slowly, she pulled my face closer to hers. Inch by painstaking inch until her lips touched mine. They weren’t chapped from too much crying. They were soft and warm. My lips immediately responded to them, but it was short lived. It was the briefest of kisses, but it was enough to put me in a tailspin. My heart hammered in my chest because it knew it was wrong, but the rest of my body buzzed in excitement.

She pulled back and let go of my face. My head was all over the place, I didn’t even know what was up and what was down. Endorphins lit my body up as if I just got done working out. Adrenaline rushed through me as I watched her turn around and head back to the pier. I followed out of pure desperation. I felt like I was a fucking teenager again.

When we made it back up to where we left our shoes, I’d had enough of the silence. It was killing me. I was sure it was the silence that ate at my insides, not the guilt, because I was too stupid at that moment to have even felt the guilt.

She turned around once she reached the end and I was right there. We were chest to chest, both breathing heavily. There were no thoughts in my head. No angel on my shoulder. No tiny voice in the back of my mind. I grabbed her waist and lifted her until she was seated on the railing and I was between her legs. My lips were instantly on hers and her legs wrapped around me as if they belonged there and knew just what to do.

I licked her bottom lip, tasting the salt from the Gulf mixed with what could have only been her. She reciprocated by opening her mouth and meeting my tongue with hers. Her hands returned to my face and began scratching my facial hair again. I groaned in her mouth and she met it with a breathy moan that made my cock jump. She must’ve felt it because her hips began to tilt into mine. I grew hot all over just thinking about being inside of her. It was a need unlike anything I had ever felt before.

My hands moved from her waist to her hips, helping her along as she pushed them into me. My fingers extended around to her ass and all I wanted to do was dig my fingertips into it until I left bruises, branding her as mine. I kept one hand there to steady her while I moved the other up into her wet hair. I moved it up the back of her neck to the base of her head. I kneaded her scalp with the tips of my fingers as they settled in for a good hold. Once my palm was holding the back of her head, I fisted my hand, grabbing hold of her hair and tugging at the roots. She opened her mouth and let out the most orgasmic sound I had ever heard. I wondered if that was the way she sounded as she reached an orgasm. My lips moved down her exposed neck, tasting the unique mixture of the Gulf and her again.

Her hands fell to my chest and began to move down, leaving a trail of fire behind. My skin literally felt like it was on fire everywhere she touched. The closer she got to my waistband, the tighter my balls felt. They pulled in tight to my body and I thought I would explode at any second.

She was so close to my dick I could almost feel her small fingers wrapped around my shaft. I could almost feel the warmth of her skin as she stroked me up and down. The closer she got, the closer I got. I continued to lick and taste her skin as I imagined what it would feel like to have her hands on me, to be in her, to fuck her, to come with her.

And then I stopped. I wasn’t sure what it was, but something happened. Either the angel on my shoulder decided it was time to climb on or the voice in my head woke the fuck up, but something happened and I stepped back. She nearly lost her balance for a second before regaining it.

“I’m so sorry, Eden, I can’t do this. I am with someone.”

She didn’t even respond. Instead, she hopped off the railing and grabbed her shoes before walking off the pier. No words, just silence as she left me standing there. I wanted to go after her. I wanted to go home. I wanted to stand there and berate myself for my own stupidity.

I fucking hated myself.

The house was dark and quiet when I finally walked through the door. Guilt consumed me as I took my first breath of the cold and still air around me. I really hated myself for what I had done. For what I allowed myself to do. I knew it was a bad idea before I even climbed over the railing. I knew being around her was dangerously teetering that line but I went for it anyway. There was something about Eden that made me want to be around her, even when I knew I shouldn’t be. It wouldn’t matter anymore. She probably hated me and I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t show up to work the next morning. I was almost hoping she wouldn’t, but at the same time, the thought of not seeing her killed me. I was fucked. I was a stupid fucking idiot.

Gabi was asleep when I entered the room, so I quietly made my way into the bathroom to shower and try to clean Eden from my body. I wished I could’ve washed her from my mind as well but knew there was no such way.

I turned the water on as hot as it would go, almost to the point of burning my skin. I knew that I was doing that as some sort of punishment. But it didn’t matter how guilty I felt about it, my mind still replayed it over and over again. I hated that. I hated myself for not being able to see or think about anything other than her lips on mine, my lips on her skin, her skin against me, or the intense craving I had for wanting to be balls deep in her. My imagination took over as my mind filled with images of spreading her out on the beach. I pictured the way she would sound as I pushed into her for the first time. I imagined the things she’d say as I brought her to ecstasy. I wondered how it would feel as she clung to me, riding out the waves of the orgasm I’d bring her to. And of course, I thought about what it would feel to explode inside of her. What it would feel like to pump the last bits of my come in her warm cunt.

I was hard again. It was painful, but I couldn’t do anything about it. I couldn’t stroke myself because I knew I would only picture Eden while I did it, and I already had enough guilt weighing on me before I’d climb into bed with Gabi. So I did the only thing I knew to do, I turned the water frigid cold and thought about my parents. I wondered how they were doing. I thought about how long it had been since I last picked up the phone and called them. They loved to travel and I wondered if they were on a trip or at home. Finally, I was able to turn the water off and got out.

Climbing into bed, I held my breath, hoping to not wake Gabi. But it didn’t work. I heard her inhale deeply and then move closer to me. Her arm went around me, pulling me closer to her. I froze. I didn’t know why, but I froze. I tried to keep her at the forefront of my mind, tried to remember that it was Gabriella that was holding me and not Eden. It wasn’t Eden who was touching me or moving her fingertips softly down my naked chest. It was Gabi who pressed light kisses on my shoulder. And when she pulled herself on top of me, straddling my waist, I had to remind myself that the thighs under my hands weren’t Eden’s thighs. They were soft like Eden’s, but they weren’t as defined as hers.

“Be with me, Dane,” she pleaded.

I opened my eyes and looked at her, making sure I was lucid enough to know what I was doing. I had to look at her to make sure it was Gabi. She hadn’t spoken to me like that in such a long time; I had to look at her to make sure my mind wasn’t playing tricks on me.

It was a bad idea, but I was a man and couldn’t resist. I was instantly hard again before I even flipped her over on her back and settled between her bare legs. She must’ve prepared for this because as my hands slipped up her thighs, I realized she wasn’t wearing any underwear. Gabi always wore underwear to bed; she said it made her feel gross if she didn’t. I used to beg her to go without a few times, but she never did. So when I felt her bare cunt, I knew it was all planned. I was only further convinced when I realized she was also shaven bare there, too. She hadn’t shaved down there in months, so the fact that she had kind of surprised me. My dick responded well to it, too.

My hands moved up her sides and under her T-shirt, pulling it up until I exposed her bare breasts. She sighed and it made me even harder. It was such a bad idea, but there was no stopping it by then. Her boobs were large and heavy, much like they had always been. When we were in high school, she used to cover them with bigger shirts. I told her one day after we had been dating for a while that I loved to see them, so she started wearing tighter fitting shirts. I didn’t complain. I loved it. She was half Peruvian and had the body of a Hispanic goddess with curves everywhere.

I reached out and palmed one breast, squeezing it roughly. She made moaning sounds and hisses and my mouth was immediately on the other. I pulled and bit her nipple until she was writhing beneath me. Even though it was dark, I knew exactly what she looked like. I had been worshiping her body for over a decade, so I knew what her nipples looked like. I knew the exact shade they were, the color of coffee with just a splash of cream. It only made me wonder again for the second time that night what Eden’s looked like. I wondered if they were large like Gabi’s, if they’d fill my mouth when I sucked on them, if they turned hard as stone when I flicked them with my tongue. Fuck. I needed to move from her breasts; I was getting painfully hard and I wasn’t so sure it was because of Gabi.

I kissed her lips, her chapped lips, and it made the memories of Eden’s come to mind. They were so drastically different—the way they felt, the way they moved, even the way they tasted. It was like night and day. I didn’t kiss her for long, I couldn’t. It was just too hard. It caused me too many unwanted thoughts so I had to stop. Instead, I leaned over her more, making more space between our bodies. My hand moved from her breast to her stomach, and then finally down to between her legs. I slid a finger through her slit—she wasn’t wet. It was clear as day that she didn’t do all of this because she wanted it. It wasn’t because she wanted me or needed to be with me. She didn’t do it for the intimacy or the closeness that came from it. She did it for personal gain.

I should’ve stopped then. I should have gotten off her and gone to sleep, but I didn’t. It had been too long since I last had sex and there was no going back for me. I was too worked up from the pier and Eden, and there was no way I would just roll over and go to sleep. I needed the release. I needed to fuck. Even if I was playing into her games. Even if it meant Eden would cross my mind while being inside Gabi, I needed it. It was plain and simple. I was a guy and a warm cunt would always win out over my own hand. Regardless of the cunt’s motives.

My fingers found their way to her clit and pressed down, moving in a slow circle. She responded my bucking her hips into my hand. She may not have been wet at that moment, but she would be before I sank myself in her. I pressed harder and moved my fingers faster, more violently. Just before her body started to shudder, I took my hand away.

She whimpered and pleaded. “Don’t stop, Dane. Don’t stop.”

“You want me?” I asked, making her say it.

“Yes!”

“You need me?”

“Yes! Fuck, Dane. Don’t stop.”

I pulled my boxers down to my thighs and my cock sprung out and smacked her moistening lips. That gained a moan from her and the need from me to press into her.

“Tell me you’re ready for this,” I demanded in a needy growl.

“I’m ready!” she cried out. “Dane! Fuck me already!”

I didn’t hesitate. I lined myself up and pushed in. It wasn’t slow. It wasn’t with caution. I knew she wasn’t as wet as needed, but I made sure she wasn’t still dry, either. In one thrust, I was all the way in and she was screaming.

I had to wait until she had fully adjusted and until I could take a breath. Her warmth was overpowering and nearly made me nut too soon. It had been a while, but I didn’t know when the next time it would happen again so I knew I needed to take my time.

Her legs wrapped around me and hugged me to her. I thought of Eden.

She pressed her lips to mine. I thought of Eden.

She hummed in my mouth, and I thought of Eden.

I finally began to move, thrusting in and out, and feeling her grow wetter. I grabbed her breast with one hand while holding myself up with the other. My fingers twisted and pulled on her hardened nipple, while I thought about Eden.

I probably should have gone slow with her since it had been a while for both of us, but I couldn’t seem to pace myself. It reminded me of when I was a teenager and the only point of sex was to get off. I still wanted that, but I also wanted Gabi to find pleasure as well. I played with her nipple roughly as I repeatedly slapped by balls against her ass. I felt it building with each twist, with each slap, with each grunt and moan. It was like fire running through me.

I held it in until she screamed and her walls tightened around my dick. I could feel the swelling of my cock and the tightness in my balls. I was about to explode, as I thought of Eden. I waited until she rode out her orgasm before I quickly pulled myself from her dripping pussy and released it all on her stomach. Stream after stream of pent up guilt, pleasure, need, and want hit her abdomen as I felt the pleasure roll through my body. All of my muscles were tensed until the last bout exited. I was out of breath and so was Gabi.

I looked down at her and she looked up at me. I could see her eyes with the moonlight streaming in through the blinds. Fuck me. She looked upset, and she had every right to be. But I was sure her feelings were not because of that. She should have been pissed because as I fucked her, I imagined it was someone else. I imagined it was the tattooed and pierced woman that had become my obsession. But that wasn’t what it was. I knew what it was. It was because I didn’t empty myself inside of her. She was hoping I’d do that because she wanted another baby. I knew that ahead of time and had enough sense to make sure that didn’t happen. It wasn’t that I didn’t want another baby with her, but she wasn’t in the right place for that. And clearly, neither was I. There was no way I could conceive life with her while my brain was too busy fantasizing about someone else.

I fucking hated myself. She should fucking hate me, too.

I climbed off of her and headed to the bathroom to clean off. Gabi followed me and began to wipe my come off her stomach with a wet washcloth. Her eyes met mine in the mirror and then I looked down.

“Where did that come from?” she asked.

“Where did what come from?” I was confused about what she was talking about.

“I don’t think you’ve ever fucked me like that.”

I wasn’t sure if she was teasing or trying to get at something. Maybe it was just my guilty conscience that made me think that way. There was no way she would have known about Eden or where my mind was while we had sex. It was just me feeling guilty.

“It’s been a while. I guess I got a little out of control. I’m sorry. Did I hurt you? Are you okay?” I turned to look right at her and she smiled. Maybe I had nothing to worry about. Maybe she wasn’t trying to get pregnant. Maybe she just needed me like she said she did. Like I needed her. I felt even more guilt assuming she only had sex with me because she wanted something from it. Fuck. Guilt was going to eat me alive. It was going to be the death of me.

“I’m good. I haven’t had an orgasm that intense in a very long time. Probably since that cruise you took me on for our anniversary.”

I knew which night she was talking about. It was the night I proposed to her. Our emotions were running high and we were both feeling great. It was a night I thought I’d never forget. Yet there I was, having to be reminded of it.

I smiled at her and kissed her. “Don’t wait so long next time.”

“I won’t,” she promised. “I think I’m going to call Doctor Greiner tomorrow.”

My smile grew at the thought of getting my Gabriella back. I couldn’t wait.

We went to bed that night, holding each other tight. My mind was clear as I drifted off to sleep. I didn’t think about Eden, what we did, or what almost happened. No. I didn’t think about any of that. All I thought about was Gabi and getting her back, being what we used to be and moving on with my life. Moving on with the woman that held my heart and soul. And finally finding happiness again.