Benevolent (7 page)

She finally turned around and stopped dead in her tracks. I watched as her eyes traveled over my chest. I had seen women do that before when they’d see me shirtless, but never had it had that effect on me. Never had I wanted someone to look at me as much as I wanted her to. I watched her large chest heave up and down as she took me in. It seemed I was having the same effect on her.

I quickly jumped over the side before either one of us could do or say something we’d end up regretting later. The water wasn’t too high, but I knew she would probably freak out. So I waited for her to throw her legs over the side and then came up close to the boat. There was no other way for me to help her in other than holding on to her legs to help ease her over.

Her legs were smooth on my palms as I ran them from her calves to her thighs.

“Come on, I’ve got you,” I called out to her.

“Just give me a minute.”

Fuck that. If I gave her a minute, it would have turned in to an hour. And I didn’t have the patience to stand there, touching her legs for that long. Blue balls are not a myth. They are real. And there is no pain like them. If she made me wait any longer, I’d have to jerk off right there in the water to survive. I gripped her thighs tightly and pulled her in.

She squealed as she slid down my body and into the water. I knew she could’ve reached the ground just fine and still kept her head above the surface, but once she was in my arms and clinging to my body, there was no way in hell I was putting her down until I absolutely had to.

“This feels like déjà vu,” she breathlessly said.

“Why? Because I’m holding you in the water?”

“No, because I can feel your erection.”

“I’m getting the feeling you want me to do something I shouldn’t.”

She bit her lip and stared at my mouth as I stood still behind the boat. I didn’t want any of the guys to see us out there. They would have too many questions if they did. And I was pretty sure Eddy wouldn’t have been too pleased.

“Have you fucked Eddy?” I couldn’t help it. The question flew right out of my mouth.

Her eyes flicked up to mine and they grew wide. Those deep, hunter green eyes were going to be the death of me. Along with her heavy tits and full lips. And her hips. And her thighs. I was pretty sure between all of that, I’d die a happy man.

“Don’t want to answer?”

“Have you fucked Gabi?” she asked instantly.

“That’s different. You said you aren’t dating Eddy.”

“If I said yes would it make you not want me?”

“No, it would make me want to kick his teeth in.”

“No, I haven’t.”

I felt relieved, but I wasn’t entirely sure why. It wasn’t my place to feel relieved that she hadn’t had sex with the guy she was dating, but I did.

“Were you serious about what you said earlier? About thinking about me?” I asked.

“Yes. And I was also serious when I said I hate cheaters.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. I was literally speechless. I wanted to say so much, but I knew none of it was appropriate. I had never even thought about cheating on Gabi before I met Eden. Not once. I had never even met a girl I could honestly say I looked twice at. Sure, there were tits I had taken a second look at, or an ass or two, but never a girl. And certainly never one I had jerked off to while picturing. So I knew I couldn’t say anything back to her.

I started to walk back around the boat but stopped when she started talking again.

“And this whole thing has started making me hate myself. She’s a real person, Dane. No matter what there is between us, you’re with her. And she has feelings that will get hurt and a heart that will get broken. It’s not fair to her. None of this is. Not our flirting, or our innuendos, or the thoughts inside of our heads. None of it is. And I fucking hate myself for it. Because it takes two to tango. It’s not just you hurting her. It’s me, too. And if what you said the other day about her being in a bad place is true, then that makes us the worst fucking people on the planet.”

Her words were like a cold bucket of ice dumped right in my lap. She was right. What we were doing was wrong. Not that I hadn’t already realized it, but hearing her say it out loud made it all the more real.

I nodded and walked us up a little bit more before putting her down. We walked the rest of the way to the shore in silence. The silence was killing me. I didn’t want it to be like that between us, but I didn’t know any other way for it to be. I didn’t trust myself to talk around her. I didn’t even know how to act around her, and that was new for me. I never had a problem talking around people. I was always the life of the party. But I felt inside like the party had ended and everyone had gone home.

We all ended up playing around on the beach and drinking beer. A couple of guys I knew had also come on the trip with us so at least I wasn’t alone with just Eddy and Eden. I was thankful for that the few times I caught Eddy sitting on the shore with Eden between his legs. I tried to not let it get to me, but it did. I tried to stay occupied with the guys in the water, but my mind was back on the beach with her. Not once was it where it should’ve been. It was always on her.

After a few hours, I found myself at the cooler alone with Eden. We hadn’t spoken to one another since I helped her off the boat. The three guys were in the water talking, probably about how small their dicks were, which was why I wasn’t included in the conversation.

“This is awkward,” I commented as we both reached in for another can.

“I know. Which was what I was trying to avoid by asking about Gabi.”

“You honestly think we can be friends?”

She shrugged. “It’s worth finding out, right? I mean, what’s the alternative? We just ignore each other, have Alex pass memos back and forth between us at the office? Converse over email? That seems like a really sucky alternative to me.”

“Yeah, but what if we can’t do it? What if we try to be friends and end up crossing that line anyway?”

Her eyes met mine and I noticed the desperation in them. I was pretty sure she saw it in mine, too. “You love her, right?” she asked and I nodded. “Then we won’t. We were straddling that line the other night on the pier and you had enough sense to back away. Now that I know you’re not available, there are two of us with enough sense. We’ll be fine.”

“Okay, so friends. I can’t say I’ve ever had a friend I wanted to screw their lights out before, but I guess there’s a first time for everything. I mean, I’m pretty sure all of my friends have wanted to screw me, come on, look at me. But this will be the first time I’ve ever thought about fucking one of my friends.”

She laughed hesitantly and shook her head.

“I was joking.”

“I know.”

“Too soon?” I asked innocently.

“Too soon.”

We spent another hour on the beach before packing it in to head back. The guys loaded up the boat while I stayed back to help Eden. She apparently still hadn’t told Eddy she couldn’t swim. I grabbed her tiny hand and began walking into the surf with her.

“Dane?” Her voice was soft and timid. It made me a little worried. I stopped and turned to her, never letting go of the grasp I had on her. “Why don’t you wear a wedding band?”

I wasn’t sure why she was asking me that. I don’t ever recall telling her I was married. I had only told her that I had met Gabi in high school and had been with her ever since. I told her about the baby, but plenty of people get pregnant before getting married.

My silence must have made her nervous because she continued. “Eddy was talking earlier and called Gabi your wife. But I’ve never seen you wear a ring and looking at your finger now, I don’t see a tan line, either.”

“I’m not married.”

I didn’t miss the light that sparked in her eyes when I said that.

“We’re engaged, though.”

Nor did I miss the light go out when I admitted that.

It was the day of Gabi’s appointment with Doctor Greiner and I had been nervously waiting by the phone for her to call. I had told her that morning before I left for work that I wanted her to call me as soon as she left his office. Her appointment was at ten and was only for an hour, yet it was almost noon and I still hadn’t heard from her. I started to get worried but figured I’d give her until after lunch before I called.

Eden came through the doors with a couple sandwiches from the deli down the street. “Here you go, boss. It’s break time. No work, remember?” She threw my sandwich on my desk and sat in a chair in front of me.

Things started to go better since the day on the beach. We were finding a good routine and kept from making inappropriate comments to one another. Well, she did. I had a hard time not pointing out how amazing I was at everything, and that sometimes led me to mentioning things I shouldn’t have. But she knew it was just my way of joking and would laugh it off. She did a lot of that—laughing. It still affected me the same way, but it certainly beat the alternative. She was one mean bitch when she was angry, and I turned in to a fucking lost child when there was silence between us. I didn’t like her angry and I really didn’t like being a sappy idiot either. So I’d happily take the laughter, even if it did make my dick twitch from time to time.

“Why do you keep checking the phone every five seconds? Are you waiting on a call?”

I didn’t know how much I wanted to tell her, but I figured I’d talk until I realized I shouldn’t talk anymore. “She has an appointment with her psychiatrist today. Well, she had it and was supposed to call me afterward. I haven’t heard from her yet and I’m starting to get a little worried.”

“What are you worried about?”

“I don’t know. She hasn’t been herself in a really long time. So I don’t know what kind of mood she’d be in after leaving the office.”

“Tell me about how you met.”

“Why?”

She smiled and waited until she swallowed her bite before answering. “You’re worried about her. You said she’s been down since the baby thing, so tell me about meeting her. I’m sure that is a good memory. Right now you’re worried and I know when I feel like that, I just have to think about a happy time to get me through.”

“Okay, it was in tenth grade. I was dating Chelsea Briggs, the cheerleading captain, and Gabi was new to school. Her mom had just gotten married and they moved to town. It was after the beginning of the school year so she was the new girl, hard to miss her. She was quiet and kept to herself mostly, but I chalked that up to her not knowing anyone.

“I had math class with her and she sat in the desk in front of me. I was always good at math, just like everything else, but she was having trouble. So I finally offered her my notes. I did that for a little while before I started helping her after school. We’d meet in the library and work on our homework together. She didn’t talk much so we only ever discussed math. But I was okay with that because I wanted to spend time with her.

“Finally, just before school ended, I broke up with Chelsea and asked Gabi out. She said no.” I smiled, remembering it as if it were yesterday. I wasn’t used to being turned down; it was like a shot to my ego. I could smile about it then because, in the end, I had gotten the girl.

“What a shocker. Someone told Dane Kauffmann no,” Eden said with a laugh.

“I know. It was a good thing I didn’t take it personally. I kept at it, though. I asked her out every day until the end of school. I didn’t know where she lived and she wouldn’t give me her phone number, so I waited until the first day of junior year and started again. I don’t know why and I never questioned it, but she finally said yes on that very first day of school. I took her out to dinner that Friday and the rest is history.”

“That’s a really great story, Dane,” she said with a smile.

“It’s funny because I was so used to her not saying much, that when I finally did get her number and called, I was surprised at how much she talked. We talked on the phone from eight that night until two in the morning. We talked about everything. And then the next night, we talked for another five hours. I don’t know what the hell we had to talk about, but we did. There wasn’t one awkward silent moment the entire time.”

The memory of the beginning brought a smile to my face.

“That is the girl I miss. I feel like I haven’t seen her in so long.”

Eden finished her sandwich before asking another question. “So she started getting depressed after the baby? Things were good until then?”

And that was when I realized I shouldn’t talk anymore. The phone started ringing at the perfect moment. My eyes met Eden’s and hers went wide. She looked between me and the ringing phone on my desk, silently telling me to answer it. I wasn’t sure why I had hesitated so much. I had been waiting for it to ring all morning and when it finally did, I froze. I figured it was because I was still uncomfortable talking to Gabi in front of Eden, but after telling her the story of us getting together, it shouldn’t have bothered me anymore.

I picked up the phone and let out a sigh of relief when I heard Gabi’s voice on the other end. Eden smiled at me and got up to head back to her office, leaving me alone with my phone call.

“What did he say?” I asked impatiently.

“I told him I didn’t want to be on medicine. I hate those pills, Dane.”

“I know you do. What did he say?”

“He said we can try a few weeks of just counseling and see how that goes, but if I’m not improving then he wants to try me on something. What if I get like last time? I don’t want to go through that again. I don’t think I will be able to do that again,” she cried.

“We’ll just have to try really hard to get through this together, okay? You have me, Gabs. I won’t let anything happen to you. I swore once that I would keep you safe from ever getting hurt again, and I’ve kept that promise to the best of my ability, have I not?”

“Yes you have. I don’t know where I would be without you. I love you. You know that, right? I know I haven’t been very good to you lately, and I hate that. I want to be better for you. I want to be happy for you. I don’t want you to leave me.”

I hated the despair in her voice. It fucking killed me. I hated that she thought more about making me happy than making herself happy. There I was, getting friendly with Eden while Gabi was at home, feeling like shit because she was making me unhappy.

“Yes, Gabs, I know you love me. And we’ll get through this. Just you and me, like always.”

Gabi was quiet during dinner. I tried talking to her about the appointment, but all she gave me were general answers. I didn’t want to push her, but I knew her. If I didn’t push, she would slip further and further away. It happened once before. But what had caused that would have made anyone slip so far down the cracks they never would’ve come back. But Gabi did. I had pushed her so hard I was pulling her, right back into the living. It’s what gave me hope that there was light at the end of this tunnel, too.

“Did you want to go for a walk on the beach with me?” I asked her as we cleaned the kitchen together. At least that was an improvement. She normally retreated back to the room with her e-reader and left it all for me. Much like the laundry and the cooking.

“No, I think I’m just going to take a bath and finish this book I started yesterday.”

“Okay then, I’ll just stay here.” I didn’t want to leave her all alone. I knew her visit with Doctor Greiner took a lot out of her and my worry over her was winning out.

“Don’t. You love your walks. I swear, I’m fine. I’m just drained from today and need to unwind. Please, don’t let me keep you from your evening. I’ll even wait up for you,” she said with a short kiss to my lips.

On my way out to the pier, I thought about how much I missed the days when Gabi would kiss me, like really kiss me. It had been so long since she last shoved her tongue down my throat like she really wanted it. It had been even longer since she said something dirty to me. It made me wonder if that is just what happens in relationships once you get past a certain point. I guess after eleven years together and nine years living together, I couldn’t expect much more. Maybe she wasn’t as depressed as I thought she was. I mean, I was too busy thinking about the old Gabi that maybe I didn’t realize that no matter how much therapy she had, she’d never be her again. I didn’t think I had changed that much since we first got together, but maybe that was because I was a guy and she wasn’t. Women probably change more than men do.

The pier was empty when I walked up to it. I had begun to expect that since I hadn’t seen Eden there in a week. Wow, a week… it seemed like so much longer than that. We really had gotten to a good point. As good of a point as we could get when I still wanted to stick my dick in her. That got me thinking, too.

Ever since meeting Eden, I wondered if maybe it was fate. If I was destined to meet her. I was unhappy in my relationship and Eden seemed to make me happy. Now, in all fairness, my being unhappy was caused by Gabriella’s unhappiness. And at any point, she could have turned that around and I very well could have been happy again. But Eden had made me question so much more. Why was I still with Gabi? Why hadn’t I married her yet when we had been engaged for almost a year? Why did I stick around when all it felt like at times was an obligation—a promise I made to her as a teenager?

Other than the one time the week before, I hadn’t had sex in forever. At least two months, and to a guy, that’s fucking forever. Eden was extremely attractive. I began to wonder if my attraction to her was nothing more than me needing a really good fucking. That had to have been what it was. Just physical. Nothing else. But I couldn’t see a way to get her out of my system without fucking her out of it. And I couldn’t do that. Gabi didn’t deserve my unfaithfulness, and Eden didn’t deserve being used like that.

“Well, look who’s here.”

That voice could only belong to one person—Eden. I had a smile on my face before I even turned around, but the smile quickly fell once I saw her. She was dressed in a really tight skirt, which didn’t even look much like a skirt. It looked like one of those shirts girls wore that only covered their chest, but she was wearing it around her ass. It brought my entire focal point to her hips and thighs. Damn, I needed to get laid.

“You haven’t been here in a week, I didn’t know you’d be here,” she said as she walked closer to me before pulling herself up on the railing.

Her voice made me finally look up at her instead of her ass. Her tank top was loose and hung on her, but her tits were still very noticeable and my eyes had a hard time not lingering there. I finally made my way up to her eyes and noticed she was wearing her makeup like she had that night at the bar. Her hair was also in those big curls I loved so much. She looked fucking hot.

“I’ve been here.” My voice came out like a kid going through puberty. She laughed.

“I’ve come here every night and you haven’t been here.”

Well, damn. I guess I just hadn’t stayed long enough during those trips to the pier, looking, but not looking for her.

“I guess we just weren’t here at the same times. Where were you tonight?”

She shrugged her shoulders and looked off to the horizon that was quickly growing dark. I knew what that meant. She didn’t want to tell me. Which could have only meant one thing; she was on a date.

“Eddy?” I didn’t know why I asked. It wasn’t like I really wanted to know.

“Yeah.”

She didn’t seem thrilled and that made me happy. It shouldn’t have, but it did.