Bent But Not Broken (11 page)

'George,' she eventually whispered.

'Now he has a name, we can use it,' I said.

'I don't ever want to say his name again!' she said as she burst into tears.

'He hurt you, Abigail. Not his name. A man. Now together we can stop him,' I said, trying to give Abigail confidence. 'See if you can say his name again,' I asked.

She shook her head. She had covered her face with her hands. Tears were streaming through her fingers.

'Just try,' I said quietly. And waited.

'George,' came her muffled reply.

'Louder,' I said.

'George!'

'Louder!'

'George! George! George!' she screamed. She let her hands fall into her lap, and her head slumped forward. She was spent. Exhausted. But she had named her abuser.

'Now do you see what I meant, Abigail? He is just a person. He cannot hurt you unless we let him. And together, we will not let him hurt you ever again,' I explained.

She looked up at me with her face still streaked by tears.

'How can you stop him?' she asked in a small voice.

'By helping you to realise that he was completely wrong in what he did to you. That you are in no way to blame.'

'What if I was?' she whispered.

'You were not!' I stated emphatically. 'You can be free of him, Abigail. And I will help you.'

She looked at me doubtfully, but also hopefully. Now the real work begins.

Dr. Harry Nightingale

 

 

 

Dear Crystal,

Tamara really broke down in group today. She was cuddling Mary Elise Katie Sarah Jess, and I thought she was going to be crushed in her fat hands! She's only a little kitten. Tamara was telling the group about her supervised family visit yesterday. Because of her burns, DHS is involved. Anyway, the DHS woman told Tamara that until her mother was absolutely off the grog, when she came out Tamara would have to live in a DHS house. Tamara was really upset. We all know what group houses are like. They put the really wild ones in them. Tamara was yelling that she didn't want to be in a locked house with a bunch of meth heads. Doctor Harry tried to calm her down, but couldn't. While I could relate to how Tamara was feeling, I was more worried for our kitten.

Then Doctor Harry surprised me yet again. He asked Tamara if she had any other adults in her life who would be able to look after her when she got out. By this stage Tamara had stopped yelling, and was sobbing. We all waited her out. Finally, when her sobs had slowed to gulps and hiccups, she looked up at him. She told him her aunt and uncle were good, and had kids her age. She said they had tried so often to get her mum off the grog, but gave up when her stepdad came into their lives.

We both know what that feels like, don't we Crystal? It seems okay for a while, but then it all goes shit shaped.

I could see that Tamara was thinking it over.

'Could you do that for me?' she asked Doctor Harry in a small voice.

'How about we get your aunt and uncle in to discuss it?' he replied. But as with everything, there was a sting in the tail.

'Of course we would have to include your mother and your worker in this discussion, Tamara.'

I saw the light go out of her eyes. It was cruel. To give her hope, and then snatch it back. Obviously Tamara felt the same way. She sobbed and sobbed, and couldn't be calmed down. A nurse led her out, but let her keep the kitten.

I just can't get a take on Doctor Harry. He seems kind and caring with us, but when push comes to shove he's just another adult and totally doesn't get it.

Love,

Abigail

 

 

CASE FILE #2794 ABIGAIL LEE MANUS D.O.B. 02/04/1998

ENTRY 36: 28/05/2014

Abigail saw the helium balloon that I had with me as we walked to the library today. I could sense her curiosity, but as usual we did not speak until we had gone through our comfortable routine of her choosing some books and settling into the arm chairs.

'So what's with the balloon?' she asked.

'It's a way of helping to set you free,' I replied.

'So now I get to suck on some helium?' What a gas!' she laughed.

'I'd prefer you didn't do that,' I said. 'But it can be symbolic.'

'Symbolic? Symbolic how?' she asked.

'The idea is that you write the one thing that you want gone from your life on this slip of paper,' I explained. 'Then we can send it away with the balloon.'

Abigail looked at me for quite some time. Then she stared at the slip of paper.

'There's not much room to write stuff. It's only a little bit of paper,' she observed.

'That's the point. You will have to choose carefully what you want to send out of your life,' I replied.

She stared at the slip for a few minutes. I could see that she was filtering and sorting all that had happened to her, trying to encapsulate it into a few words.

'Do I have to tell you what I write?' she asked.

'Only if you want to. Not if you don't,' I answered.

She picked up the pencil and reached for the slip of paper. Still she hesitated. Then she seemed to come to a decision. She wrote one word.

'Okay. Now can I send it up?' she asked.

'With pleasure!'

She tied the paper to the string, making sure it could not be dislodged. We went outside and she held the balloon for several minutes. It bobbed and danced in the breeze. Finally she took a deep breath and let the string slide through her fingers. We watched as it quickly ascended higher and higher – until we could not see it anymore.

Abigail turned to me. 'Do you want to know what I wrote?' she asked.

'I'd rather know what you just sent out of your life,' I replied.

Her answer was a single word: 'George.'

Dr. Harry Nightingale

 

 

 

Dear Crystal,

In group today Tamara told us that she was leaving the ward. She had a meeting with her aunt and uncle, who sounded really nice. Apparently they are renovating their den so that she will have her own room. I could tell that she was pleased and excited about this. I reckon being away from her mother and step father would be reason enough to celebrate!

She told us that Doctor Harry supervised the meeting, which included the DHS worker and her mother. When she spoke about her mother, she looked down at her fat hands. It was like she was ashamed.

Then she looked up at Doctor Harry and said, 'Thank you for making Mum sign the forms.' The way she said it made me wonder if her mother was even on the planet. We all know she's an alcoholic. Maybe she had to have a couple before she could even go into the meeting?

Tamara was allowed to move around the circle, giving each of us a hug goodbye. I don't know if this is how it's usually done – I haven't seen anyone leave before. It was a happy thing. Tamara was glowing, as only fat people can. Then with a nod from Doctor Harry, she left the room.

I dunno, Crystal. I'm glad for her, of course. At least she can live in a house where she won't be beaten and burnt. It's just that it made me wonder if I will ever get out of here. What will I have to do to get out?

After she had left, we all looked at the empty chair. I guess we were all remembering the silly and funny things she had done here. Like when she wrapped Mary Elise Katie Sarah Jess a blanket, and snuck our kitten into Jenny's room one night when she was upset. Or the time she offered to eat Suzy's dinner for her – just for a laugh! And how she looked like a whale in a sack when we were in the pool.

After it had been quiet for a time, Doctor Harry broke the silence. 'How are you feeling about Mrs. Boulton?' he asked no-one in particular. As usual, he waited for someone to take the bait. We might be one girl less, but otherwise it's just the same old, same old. I was surprised when Jenny spoke up. She's normally one of the mousy ones.

'I like her!' Jenny said with a huge grin. I must admit, it was good to see her smile.

'Thank you, Jenny,' Doctor Harry said. That's what he always does when someone speaks. Nothing special, but Jenny continued to smile like she had been given a present!

'Can you tell us why you like her?' he prompted. Same shit, different day.

'She's kind,' Jenny said simply. 'She doesn't make me think I'm stupid,' she added.

I thought he was going to chase that one down, but he let Jenny off the hook.

'How do the rest of you feel about Mrs. Boulton?' he asked, and waited. Suzy took the bait.

'She said to call her Dianne,' she said. 'I've never known a teacher to do that,' she added thoughtfully.

'And she promised me no spiders!' Beth said, with obvious relief.

Of course I had to wade in. 'I don't see how it's going to work,' I said. 'We are different ages and were in different years in school. We want to learn different things. How's she going to manage all of that?' I asked. I wasn't being stroppy. I really couldn't see how she was going to pull this one off.

'I don't know, Abigail,' he responded simply. 'I am relieved that you like her. I guess you will all try to make it work,' he added.

There was a general murmuring of support. 'Let's suspend our disbelief, and see what she comes up with?' he asked.

I must admit I'm a bit all over the place tonight. Tamara has gone – leaving a huge gap in the ward. It wasn't just her size. She had heaps of spunk. I'll miss her. And if she can leave with so little warning, what if Suzy goes next? She's just about fixed. I don't want to lose my friend.

Sorry, Crystal. I must sound like a selfish bitch. Bit shook up, I guess.

Love,

Abigail

 

 

CASE FILE #2794 ABIGAIL LEE MANUS D.O.B. 02/04/1998

ENTRY 37: 29/05/2014

Again I let Abigail take the lead today. It is important to her that she maintains control. I know it will take time for her to work into full disclosure. So I returned our conversation to where she seemed most comfortable – with the new house.

'You sounded very happy in the new house, Abigail. Do you want to tell me more about what it was like then?' I asked.

'It was really good! We were happy then. Crystal and I had lots of new things. He bought us the latest phones, which was great. Until then we were the only kids we knew who didn't have a phone at all.'

'Did you have to change schools again?' I asked.

'No. That was good too. We had all our old friends, but it was even better than before,' she replied.

'Better how?' I asked.

'We still had all the fun of mucking around in the bush and down the river. But then we had this awesome house as well. So we had our friends around all the time, playing in the rumpus room or the pool. It was great!'

'How was school going for you during this time?'

'It was good. I was only in Year 7, but I liked to learn. I did all the work the teachers set, and the homework. I had a great bunch of friends at school. We were all smart and keen. So I wasn't picked on or anything.'

'What happened then?' I asked.

'Then Mum married him.'

A simple statement. Clearly the pivot point.

'Tell me about the wedding.'

'It was the Cinderella thing all over again,' Abigail replied. 'Mum and Crystal and I spent days and days looking for wedding clothes. When we got confused or tired, we'd stop so that Mum could have a coffee and we had soft drinks. Even that was a luxury! Mum would never have wasted money like that before…' she petered out.

'You can say his name, Abigail.'

'I know I can!' she shouted. 'I don't see why you go on and on about saying his name!'

'Because the more you say his name, the less power it has over you,' I replied.

She glared at me. I did not drop my gaze from her face. I knew this was a major stumbling block that Abigail would have to overcome. I knew I was forcing her along. But it had to be done.

'George! George! George! There! Now are you happy?' she shouted.

'No, I am not happy, Abigail. I will be happy when you believe that saying his name cannot hurt you,' I replied.

'It's not his name that hurt me!' she spat.

'No, George hurt you. You are right to be angry with him.'

'I wish I could kill him!' she screamed. 'He deserves to die for what he made me do!'

'Killing him is not on our agenda, Abigail. Even though you think doing so would put an end to your pain. It would not,' I replied.

She stared at me with all the hatred that she had stored for so long.

'I think about killing him all the time,' she said angrily. 'Lots of different ways. But slowly, so he suffers!'

'Like how you have suffered?'

'Worse! Hanging him! Cutting his dick off! Shooting him in the guts so he bleeds out!'

'All perfectly understandable fantasies, Abigail. But ultimately of no use to your recovery. There are no short cuts. You have to learn to heal yourself,' I said.

'And just how am I supposed to do that?' she spat. 'Talking to you! Ha! Like that's going to make any difference!'

'It may sound ridiculous to you, Abigail. But talking is actually the only way that you can become whole again,' I said softly.

She stared at me like I was from another planet. Back to being the enemy, I think.

Dr. Harry Nightingale

 

 

 

Dear Crystal,

Today was really awful. We were all shaken up. Beth had a family visit, and came back hysterical. The nurses couldn't calm her down. Doctor Harry took her into the group room and shut the door. But we could still hear her shouting and crying. Like I said, there's no privacy in here.

Finally he came into the lounge and asked us all to come into an unscheduled group session. 'What the hell's going on?' I wondered. The routines are cast in stone. This was really weird. As we filed silently into the group room, I looked at Suzy. She raised her eyebrows and shrugged a shoulder. She had no clue either. We noticed that Doctor Harry was sitting beside Beth.

'I know this is unusual, but Beth needs your help,' Doctor Harry said.

This was way beyond weird. This was unchartered waters. It felt dangerous. No-one was looking at anyone else.