Bent But Not Broken (8 page)

'So take the prints out of their frames, and replace them with our pictures,' I responded.

I could tell he had no answer for that! He stared at me, then looked down and made his notes. Buying time, again. I could tell he didn't like girls speaking their minds – especially when it rocked his boat. Too bad! Then he blew me away. Just when I think I've got him on the ropes, he surprises me.

'I think that is a good idea, Abigail. How do the rest of you feel about it?'

Of course all the girls were rapt. They are proud of their artwork, and were happy to have it up on the walls of the lounge for everyone to see. Then Beth lobbed in a bomb of her own.

'I understand that you have to watch us. And I can guess why. But do you like to take a dump without privacy? Would you like to insert a tampon with someone watching? Would you shave your bits if you were being watched?'

I could tell that we were getting into difficult waters here. I will give Doctor Hobbit points for not blushing about the tampon thing. I could see that he was seriously thinking about what Beth said. The silence dragged on. None of us was going to let him off the hook. He was too good at letting us hang. So let him feel it!

'I can see that this is a very real issue for you,' he said. 'And you are right – I would not like to be watched when doing such intimate things. But we have to strike a balance between your privacy and your safety.'

'Like with Kayla?' I retorted.

'What do you propose?' he asked the group.

This stunned us. We were really just having a rant. We didn't think anything we said could actually make changes around here. Now it was our turn to hang. The silence dragged out again. So blabbermouth to the rescue!

'What if you put doors on the toilets and showers, but like those at the public pools – so you could lift them off if the staff needed to get in?' I suggested. 'Or if you can't come at that, could the nurse at least turn her back when we are doing private stuff?' I followed up.

There was a general buzz of agreement through the circle. Doctor Hobbit could tell it was important to us.

'I will discuss your suggestions with my colleagues,' he said. 'Hopefully I will be able to give you considered responses to your requests next week.'

There was a general letting out of breath around the room. It was like we had almost gone off a high cliff, but staggered back just at the last second.

Thinking about it later, if Kayla hadn't poisoned herself, none of this would have happened. It's not that I'm glad that she did it. Without knowing, she has given us the strength to try to change things around here.

Love,

Abigail

 

 

CASE FILE #2794 ABIGAIL LEE MANUS D.O.B. 02/04/1998

ENTRY 29: 19/05/2014

Abigail was one of the leaders in the group session on Friday. The girls are clearly very upset about Kayla's poisoning, and see it as a failure on our part to protect and care for them.

The girls are agitating for more control over their environment, which is to be expected. The usual concerns about privacy were raised. Some of their suggestions will have to be discussed in the staff meeting.

What surprised me was Abigail's passionate championing of the other girls' artwork. I know that she does not consider herself to have any skills in this area. So clearly she is raising this issue with no self-interest. She is genuinely acting altruistically. This is indicative of Abigail moving towards the undamaged person she was in the past. That she sees herself as strong and articulate is a given. What pleases me so much is that she is willing to use these skills to improve the situation of others. I do not know if she is sufficiently self-aware at the moment to realise that she is showing signs of returning to her true self. I view the challenges she throws at me as a strong sign of recovery. Eventually she will find the personal strength to face her own private demons.

Again it was as though Abigail had used her daily quota of words. She refused to speak to me at all in our individual session. Again we sat and read. If this keeps up I will have to start wearing a cardigan and acting the part of an old married couple!

Dr. Harry Nightingale

 

 

 

Dear Crystal,

I told Doctor Hobbit I want to get back to doing some school work while I am stuck in here. Okay, I am enjoying being able to read what I like. The individual sessions in the library are much better than in his office. I have gotten away with lots – like having a table and chair in my room; the music turned off in the lounge, and our art instead of the bloody awful prints. So of course I had to up the stakes. You know what I'm like. I just can't leave stuff alone. I always want more.

'I want to be able to do some school work,' I declared.

'What do you want to do?' he asked.

'I don't know! I just want to use my brain!' I retorted.

'You will have to be more specific,' he said.

'All right; how about some English? And some Maths?'

I didn't expect to get anywhere with this. I was being a bit of a shit stirrer, as usual. But again he surprised me!

'I might be able to organise this for you, Abigail,' he said. 'But no more stalling. You must talk to me about the events that led you to being here. If you do that, I will arrange for a teacher to come into the ward.'

I was gob smacked! I know Suzy would be keen. But she was in Year 12, and I was in Year 10. 'How could he get a teacher that could cope with that?' I wondered.

'Being ready to continue with your schooling is an important stage in your recovery,' I said. 'But I am putting this condition in place: you absolutely must start talking about what happened to you. Until you do, you will not be able to function as you should.'

I guess I've come to the pointy end, Crystal. I'm scared. I really, really don't want to go back there. Why can't he just leave me alone? I reckon I am alright now. I won't do anything stupid again. Can you tell Mum I am better and she can come and get me?

Love,

Abigail

 

 

CASE FILE #2794 ABIGAIL LEE MANUS D.O.B. 02/04/1998

ENTRY 30: 20/05/2014

In our session today Abigail requested to continue with her education. This is another important step towards her return to health. I know that she is an intelligent young woman, and it is no surprise that she wants to use her brain. It shows that she is prepared to take some small, controlled steps towards returning to a normal life. I am very pleased with this development. However I have put the condition that she must start to discuss her suicide attempt, and the underlying experiences that put her in such a dreadful place that she thought suicide was her only option.

I will discuss the possibility of incorporating a teacher into the program. This person will have to be very experienced with teenage girls, and sensitive to their vulnerabilities.

Dr. Harry Nightingale

 

 

 

Dear Crystal,

We've got the kitten! Her name is Mary Elise Katie Sarah Jess. She's got so many names because we call her what we want to. My name for her is Katie. She's a tortoise shell and has the cutest little face! They brought lots of toys with her, so she gets played with so much she just crashes out when she's tired. The orderlies put up a roster so we know when it's our turn to have her overnight. It's so great! I had her last night. She slept snuggled up in my armpit. Furry and tickly and soft. Even Jenny put down her doll to cuddle the kitten. I think she must be getting better because she puts the doll down more often now.

Kayla still isn't back from hospital. It's been a week. We have asked the nurses and Doctor Hobbit how she is, but all they tell us is that she is recovering. Doctor Hobbit promised me that he would tell me what was going on with Kayla. It's another promise he made with so much sincerity, but has not kept. Don't they know we really do care? She might even be dead! How would we know?

Kayla shared with Suzy. I felt bad about it, but in group I asked Doctor Hobbit if I could go into Suzy's room while Kayla was away. I'd talked about it with Suzy, and she was all for it, even though there might not be space for my table and chair because there's already one in their room.

We all looked at Doctor Hobbit, waiting for his response. I could tell that some of the girls were a bit shocked by my request – like I was jumping into Kayla's grave or something.

'How do you feel about this?' he asked Suzy.

'I think it would be good,' she replied. 'I'm a bit lonely without Kayla and get on well with Abigail. And we could study together,' she said.

This was the first time that the idea of school work had been talked about in group. A couple of girls asked what Suzy meant.

'I have had a request to organise a teacher to come into the ward,' Doctor Hobbit said. 'It is still in the planning stage, but obviously no-one would be forced to do school work if they did not want to,' he explained.

This was greeted with shocked disbelief. I don't know what upset the others more: me moving into Kayla's bed; the idea of girls wanting to do school work, or the idea of having a teacher in the ward. Jenny was the first to speak out.

'I can't do school work! I have a baby at home! I have to get back to her!' she announced. So much for me thinking she was getting better.

'What sort of school work?' Tamara asked.

'Just Maths and English at this stage,' Doctor Hobbit replied.

'No science!' Beth exclaimed.

'Of course not, Beth. It is only an idea at the moment, but again I say to you all that it would be completely optional.'

The girls were a bit quiet after he said that. I have no idea what they really think about having a teacher come into the ward. Maybe it's stirred up some stuff they'd rather forget. I've known some pretty awful teachers. Do you remember Mrs. Pointy Shoes at primary school? How we knew we were all in for a bad day if she was wearing her stilettoes? And what about Mr. Smith, one of the maths teachers at high school? Did I tell you that when I was in Year 7 I told him he'd got something wrong on the board and he went ape shit at me? He made me stand up while he tore strips off me. The prick. With teachers like that, it's no wonder some of the girls were a bit antsy.

The session returned to normal after the discussion about school work. Funnily enough, I got the feeling everyone was glad to get back to the familiar way of the group sessions.

Love,

Abigail

 

 

CASE FILE #2794 ABIGAIL LEE MANUS D.O.B. 02/04/1998

ENTRY 31: 21/05/2014

The kitten has been well received by all the girls. It is giving them the opportunity to overlay their own traumas by caring for such a defenceless little creature. Again Abigail has shown herself to be a sensitive and gentle girl who has been hurt by those who should have been protecting her. She is protective of the kitten – perhaps showing it the love that she so desperately needs?

She threw a bombshell into the group today by asking to be moved from the isolation room into a shared room. That in itself was not the problem, and I certainly view it as a step towards Abigail returning to a more normal situation. She has not shown signs of self-harming since she entered the ward. Apart from a couple of what can now – with hindsight – be seen as isolated events, Abigail has shown steady progress. She is starting to talk in our individual sessions, though she is still avoiding addressing the incidents that led to her incarceration.

She has often shown the ability to empathise with the situations of the other patients, and has been interacting with them in a positive manner. It's as though she has started to see them as people who have been hurt, and have done what they could to survive their pain.

She has shown herself to be able to use this empathy to drive improvements in the ward for the betterment of all the patients. This is indicating that Abigail is beginning to rediscover her sense of self-worth.

What caused the consternation was that Abigail asked to be moved in with Suzy. This is Kayla's space. Her request was viewed by the other girls as trespassing, especially as Kayla is still in hospital. To her credit, Abigail announced that it would only be a temporary move, and that as soon as Kayla was back in the ward she would move out of Suzy's room. This was a skilled way to acknowledge and placate their feelings.

Abigail's desire to continue with her formal education was also raised in the group. Some of the girls expressed concern. Clearly for some, their schooling has been part of their trauma, and they are not confident to place themselves in their previous vulnerable situations. Again Abigail and Suzy were instrumental in allaying their fears. I am happy with the progress Abigail is demonstrating – though I doubt that she sees it in this way. It will have to be small steps with her, always letting her feel that she is in control.

Dr. Harry Nightingale

 

 

 

Dear Crystal,

I got moved in with Suzy today! I could tell some of the girls were pissed off about it – but I don't care! I reckon I've done enough for them to cut me some slack. Ungrateful bitches.

No, that's not being fair. Nothing is private here. The girls saw Kayla's stuff being put in boxes and taken out of the ward. They saw me being moved in. Not that I have much stuff – just my sketch pad and pencils, and some clothes. To be honest, I did feel a bit bad about it. It's Kayla's bed and room, not mine. In group I told the girls that as soon as Kayla returns, I'll go back to my room. Not that I want to. Suzy and I get on really well. It will be good to be able to chatter away after lights out.

Doctor Hobbit picked up on the feeling in the group. He told us that when Kayla gets back she will have to be in a room on her own for a while – just to keep a better eye on her. That did make me feel a bit less guilty about it.

The room is much nicer than mine. Mine felt like a cell. It was only just big enough for the single bed, a small cupboard and my desk. Suzy's room is similar. It has the beds against the walls, feet towards the door like my old room. But it has two cupboards and little bedside tables! The most exciting thing for me is that these have desk lamps. I was blown away when Suzy told me that while the main light is switched off at ten, she and Kayla could read in bed if they wanted to after lights out! I never knew such a little thing could mean so much! I am so looking forward to tonight!