Bent not Broken (124 page)

Pulling her into me, I hold her. I remember the last time I cried—I cried when she left. Today, my tears are for new beginnings—for days with her I thought I’d never have.

“I’m home. Forever,” she whispers against my chest—and I know she is.

Epilogue

Jess

I can hardly believe it was three years ago that I packed up my life and moved to North Carolina. Driving away from everything I knew was the scariest, yet most liberating experience of my life. I was broken in every way possible and needed to find out who I was amongst the shattered pieces.

Reflecting on where I’ve been, I’m thankful for my experiences in North Carolina. I wish I hadn’t hurt Gabe in the process, but I learned important lessons about myself while I was there. The most important lessons I took away: it’s okay to hurt and to be broken, but it’s also imperative to forgive and heal. You have to
feel
to be able to love. But most importantly, every girl needs a tattooed bad boy to teach her to really
live
. That boy needs to kiss her like she’s never been kissed, to put her on the back of his motorcycle so she can feel the wind on her face and in her hair, take her for her first tattoo—and to let her go when he knows he’s not the man she really needs. Landon will always be that man, an important part of my life; my friend forever.

Dr. Peterson and I still talk weekly. We “Skype date.” She helps me process feelings that occasionally surface, but I can say for the first time, I am truly happy. Finding a therapist to help me, talk to me, guide me, and ultimately teach me to love myself, was single-handedly the most important part of my recovery process.

A year and a half ago I rediscovered my love of running. I run with Gabe or a friend—always, never alone. It’s been my largest hurdle in my recovery. As for my attacker, he has never been found. The case is still open and active, and with the DNA collected and processed, it is still in the hands of the detectives.

Learning to forgive is the hardest barrier in any relationship, including the one you have with yourself. I had to learn to forgive my dad for not knowing how to grieve my mother’s death and throwing himself into his career as a way to cope. I had to forgive my rapist for taking trust and security from me. But the hardest person to forgive was myself.

I hurt Gabe in ways that are hard to comprehend. We’ve made amazing strides in our relationship, and now marriage. Gabe proposed to me on the beach in Santa Barbara a year to the date after I returned from North Carolina. We’ve been married for two years now. Gabe is the one person I trust with my life, but most importantly, my heart. Gabe is my everything. Well, one of my everythings.

Olivia London Garcia was born eight weeks ago. With a full head of dark brown hair and intense, deep brown eyes, she is the love of Gabe’s and my life. There is a sense of peace that Olivia brings to us that words cannot describe. You never know unconditional love until you hold your baby in your arms, look into their eyes, and hold their little hand.

I spend hours on the front porch swing with Olivia, holding and swinging her while she sleeps and when she’s awake. I look at the beautiful house Gabe worked on for months and feel a sense of
home
for the first time in my life. I’ve never had a home that was mine, where I felt that I truly belonged, but this is it. My heart is finally home.

Every day, I thank the heavens above for Gabe and Olivia. No matter what the future holds, what is thrown our way, the love that binds us is unbreakable. That little white tattoo that reads
“Infragilis”
across my inner wrist reminds me of that daily.

***For anyone that has experienced rape or sexual assault of any kind you can find information and help at 1-800-656-HOPE or RAINN.org***

When It Rains

By

Lisa De Jong

“Love is the flower you’ve got to let grow.”

-John Lennon

Prologue

When you live in a small town, there’s not much to do on a Friday night after a football game. When the season started, some of the seniors at my high school decided that we should all get together and have a bonfire after each game. It was really just an excuse to drink and hook-up: two things I wasn’t interested in, but I always went to hang out with my friends anyway.

That’s where I was that night.

The night I retreated into darkness, where my night sky had no stars, my days had no sun, and all hope was drained from my body.

It was the night my life ended.

Beau Bennett wasn’t there. If he had been, he would’ve saved me, just like he always did. He was grounded that night for staying out past curfew the Friday before; in fact, it’s the only weekend I remember Beau ever being grounded.

I believe that life is a series of coincidences, and that night, coincidence screwed me over.

I was there with Morgan, my best friend since third grade. She was dating the Senior Class President at the time and it didn’t take long before they disappeared, leaving me huddled near the fire with some of the other kids from my school. I felt completely comfortable being there because I’ve known most of these people since I had moved here when I was five. That’s one of the nice things about small towns.

Or so I thought.

I was sitting with my arms wrapped around myself, trying to warm what the fire couldn’t, when Drew Heston sat down next to me. My stomach immediately did a somersault; I mean Drew was a senior. Mr. Football, as everyone called him. He was the local hero, the type of guy who would have his own billboard outside of town someday. It didn’t hurt that he looked amazing with his short dark hair, light green eyes and broad shoulders.

I had secretly crushed on him since the day I first walked into the doors of my high school. There was something about the way he walked the halls with his head held high that commanded every girl’s attention, including mine. I’d never talked to him, but there he was, sitting next to me in front of the fire. I couldn’t believe it. Things like that didn’t happen to Kate Alexander.

“Hey, Kate, how’ve you been?” he asked, his eyes burning into the side of my head. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. Just being near him made me lose all comprehension of the English language.

“Fine,” I mumbled, biting down on my lower lip. A shiver ran through my body like a freight train as I finally peered up at him.

“Were you at my game tonight?” he asked, bumping my shoulder with his. I could feel the heat coming off his muscular body and it made me blush.

My thoughts drifted back to the third quarter when Drew threw the ball to his star receiver Jackson Reid who, at the time, was surrounded by defenders. My heart raced with excitement as I watched Jackson and three members of the other team jump up to catch the ball at the same time. In the end, Jackson came out victorious because Drew had thrown it right into his hands. It was nothing short of amazing, yet for Drew, it was completely normal.

“You were great,” I replied, nervously reaching up to tighten my ponytail. A breeze blew through and a few raindrops fell from the sky. I ran my hands up and down my arms in an attempt to chase the chill from my body, but it didn’t help.

“Are you cold?” he asked, scooting his body even closer to mine. The way he was looking at me sent butterflies through my stomach. It wasn’t like I was an outcast at school, but I wasn’t one of the elite, popular girls that guys like Drew usually spent any of their time on.

“A little. I forgot my jacket at home,” I replied, feeling a few more raindrops fall on my cheek.

He stood up and reached for my hand. “Come on. I have an extra sweatshirt in the house you can borrow.”

The party was being held at his house since his parents had gone out of town that weekend. I hesitated for a minute before placing my hand in his. I knew of him, but I didn’t really know him. It wasn’t the first time I’d been to his house, but it was the first time I’d been invited inside. I felt a little uneasy, but I still trusted him. I didn’t have any reason not to.

Drew opened the front door, never loosening his grip on my hand as he guided us through the house. My attention was focused on the contemporary paint colors and beautiful cherry wood floors; it barely registered that we were heading upstairs.

I watched as he took a key out of his pocket to unlock one of the doors that lined the second story hallway. He must have noticed the way I was looking at him because his lips turned up on the sides. “I don’t like anyone to be in my room but me,” he said, pushing the door open.

I nodded, following him inside. Did I feel a little uncomfortable stepping into Drew Heston’s bedroom? Yes. Did I think for one moment that I shouldn’t be there? No. I’d known him for years and everyone that knew him, thought the world of him.

When he closed the door and locked it, I felt my heart rate pick up. I watched him glance around the room, following his eyes with mine. The walls were a deep navy blue with various football posters covering them. And I’ll never forget how it smelled like he had used cologne to cover up the stench of his dirty gym clothes.

Drew remained still, staring at me with glossed over eyes and, suddenly, being there didn’t feel right. “Can you find that sweatshirt? I should probably get back outside before Morgan comes looking for me.”

“Oh yeah, give me a sec,” he said, moving to dig through a drawer in his dresser. I walked to the window at the other end of the room and looked down at the diminishing fire. The rain was falling faster against the glass making it harder to see into the distance, but it looked like everyone had left their spots by the fire. I really needed to hurry up and find Morgan before she left without me.

The house was completely quiet, sending a chill down my spine. I closed my eyes and listened to Drew’s footsteps moving closer to me, my heart beating faster every time I heard the rubber soles of his shoes against the floorboards. Everything about being inside his room felt wrong and I knew I needed to escape it. Going to his room was a bad idea . . . and going to that party without Beau was a huge mistake.

As his footsteps continued to get closer, I spun on my heels to head towards the door. I was greeted with dark eyes and a vacant stare. This was not the same Drew that sat next to me by the fire. I wanted to run out of this house and never look back but he was blocking my path. “I’m going to wait outside. It’s getting warm in here,” I lied, motioning toward his door.

He didn’t say a word as he pressed his body to mine, completely closing any gap that remained between us. My hands were sweaty and my knees felt like they were made of paper. It was as if he was in a trance, and it was scaring the hell out of me.

“Drew.”

“It’s raining outside, Kate,” he said, reaching his hand up to cup my cheek. I stepped back out of his grasp, but he followed me. It wasn’t long before my back was against the wall. Even if I wanted to leave, it was too late. His hands rested on the wall behind me, caging me in with his arms. “Mm, you smell so good,” he growled, pressing his lips to my neck. I felt helpless.

“Drew, please, just let me go. I need to find Morgan,” I cried. My whole body was shaking from a fear unlike anything I’d ever felt before. It was paralyzing, but I was stuck.

He ignored me, running his lips down my jawline. I turned my head to fight, but he followed my movements. “What’s the matter, Kate? I see the way you look at me. You want this as much as I do,” he said with a husky voice that sent more panic through my already tense body. I used the little bit of strength I had left in me to push on his chest, but he didn’t move. Not even an inch.

“Let me go,” I pleaded. His right hand came down to grip my hip hard as he roughly pressed his lips to mine. The force of his kiss sent a sharp pain through my mouth, and all that I could taste was the tinge of my blood and the alcohol on his breath.

His hand found the bottom of my shirt and started working the material up my bare stomach. I tried to move my legs forward but he was so much bigger and stronger than me. If anything, my attempts to push him away were only making things worse.

He gripped my wrists tightly and pulled me over to his bed, pushing me flat onto my stomach. I tried to pull my arms loose, but it caused pain to shoot through my wrists. I’ve never felt more terrified in my whole life. He continued to hold my arms behind my back and pinned my legs down with his knees.

“HELP,” I yelled as loud as I could through my panic and tears.

He clamped his hand over my mouth, yanking my head back until my neck ached. “Everyone’s outside. No one’s going to hear you.”

That was it. I was trapped under him, alone with no one to save me. All the fight I had left was drained from my body, and the chances of anyone pulling me out of this hell were getting slimmer by the minute. Tears rolled down my face, soaking his bedspread while I fixated on the raindrops hitting the window. He forced my jeans down so they were left slung around my left ankle. When I heard him working at his belt buckle, I felt like I couldn’t breathe anymore. I’d never been exposed like that and it wasn’t at all what I wanted. I was saving myself for someone special and Drew was going to take it from me. I gasped for air but I couldn’t get any into my lungs. I tried to scream again but no sound came out.

I felt him pressed against my backside and it made me want to throw up. “STOP,” I screamed, trying again to free myself from his hold, but he was too strong.

He let out a hushed chuckle from behind. “Are you going to give up?”

“Please, don’t,” I begged again. It was my last chance and I knew it. He didn’t respond and when I heard the sound of foil ripping, I squeezed my eyes shut and said a silent prayer. I wanted it all to be a nightmare I would soon wake up from. I wanted someone to come through that door and stop it from happening. I wanted to be anywhere but there.

Except no one was listening to me that night. I could hear the soft tap of the rain falling on the window, but the rest of the house was completely silent. I used to like the sound of rain but Drew took that from me too.