Bent not Broken (127 page)

When he pulls into his driveway, he puts his truck into park, but doesn’t move to get out. I chance a quick glance to see him staring forward with his jaw clenched. I look away, frustrated with myself for not being able to move forward. I wish there was a way to end the war being fought inside of me right now.

I grab my purse and open the door, carefully stepping down and shutting the door without looking back. I start to walk across his yard to my house when I hear his car door shut. He’s mad which means he’ll probably walk behind his house and lay on top of the old trampoline. If it’s light out, he’ll close his eyes to listen to the sounds that surround him, but if it’s dark, he’ll stare at the stars. He’s been doing it since he was ten.

I’m almost to my front steps when I feel a big hand wrap around my upper arm. I flinch. I have a hard time being touched, but I have an even harder time when I don’t see it coming.

I spin around, ready to battle, but when I see the sad, dark look on his face, I stop. Nothing I can say or do is going to be worse than what I’ve already done today.

“Are you going to come over and say goodbye to me in the morning?” he asks, defeated. I force a slight smile onto my face. He won’t leave tomorrow if he thinks I’m upset with him. Truth is, I’m not upset with him . . . I’m only upset with myself.

“Yes, what time are you leaving?”

“Nine in the morning,” he says, swallowing hard. He’s staring at my lips like he wants to taste them.

Panic grips my chest tight and I can’t pretend anymore. I hate when he looks at me like that. “I’ll come over in the morning,” I say, wiggling from his grasp. I hear him say my name twice before I get in the house, but I don’t turn around. I can’t let him complicate things. My life is already a crazy maze that I can’t find my way out of.

I’m surprised to see my mom sitting in the living room when I open the door. Sometimes I feel like we’re just roommates co-existing in the same space. She works the morning shift at the diner, then comes home to change before working at the local bar and grill in the evening. She rarely has a day off.

She looks up at me, smiling. “Hey, where have you been?”

“I went swimming with Beau. He’s leaving tomorrow,” I say, looking down at my fingernails.

“I still don’t understand why you decided not to go to college. Don’t you at least want to enroll in some classes at the community college? Nurses make really good money, you know.” I hate having this conversation, and I’m certainly not in the mood to have it now. I don’t want to go to college because I don’t want to be around other people my age. Besides, college is for people who know what they want and have dreams for the future.

“I’m just taking this year off. I’ll save some money, and then I can go next year,” I answer, continuing to avoid her eyes. “What are you doing home, anyway? I thought you had to work tonight?”

She looks a little taken back by my question. “I thought you would need me tonight since your best friend is leaving tomorrow.”

I’m surprised that she even remembered to be honest. I usually have to remind her of everything, and I haven’t brought up Beau’s departure once. She seems to know what I’m thinking and points to the calendar next to the computer desk. I’d written down the day he was leaving months ago, silently counting down the days.

I look back at her and relax my shoulders. “Thanks.”

“Do you want to order pizza and watch a movie? Beau can come over if he’s not busy,” she says, patting the spot next to her on the couch.

“I don’t think Beau wants to come over tonight,” I say, sitting down next to her. I can see her staring at me out of the corner of her eye.

“You know, I always thought the two of you would end up together someday,” she says, using her fingertips to move a few pieces of hair out of my eyes.

“He’s just a friend.” I don’t want to talk about Beau and what we have or don’t have. I’ve had enough of that today.

She shakes her head at me and focuses her attention back to the TV. I think my mom has this idea of what real love should be, but I don’t think she’s ever experienced it. She’s dated lots of guys over the years but never stuck with one for long. I don’t even know if her idea of the right guy exists.

“Can we just have ice cream?” I ask, breaking the silence. When I was younger, my mom and I used to eat ice cream for supper when I was sick. I think a heart full of excruciating pain qualifies.

She looks at me and smiles. “Yeah, I just bought two cartons of Ben & Jerry’s this afternoon. What kind do you want?”

“Did you happen to get Cherry Garcia?”

“Of course, I did,” she says, patting my knee.

We sit under the same large blanket, eating from our two large bowls of ice cream. It doesn’t take all of my pain away, but I don’t feel alone with it. I still can’t believe that Beau loves me. For so long, I’ve wanted him to want me, and maybe he has that whole time. Watching Beau leave tomorrow, especially after everything that happened today, is going to be really hard.

Chapter 3

I don’t want to watch Beau leave, but I can’t let him go without seeing him one more time. I know I can call him whenever I need to, but there’s just something about being able to see him that makes me feel so much better.

I’m going to miss him, more than I probably even realize right now. We’ve gone through all the major phases of our lives together, but I’ve decided to sit this one out. When I chose not to go to college, I didn’t think I would regret the decision, but knowing Beau’s leaving without me in exactly twenty-six minutes is filling me with uneasiness. Things never seem to hit me until they are right in front of my face. Just like everything else, I’ve pretended that Beau will always be by my side, even though I knew he’d be leaving soon. In some ways, it’s easier to pretend, but right now all that time spent convincing myself that this day would never come is making my heart ache.

I remember the day I moved into this house as if it was yesterday.

My mom is busy unpacking boxes in the kitchen, and all I seem to do is get in her way, so I decide to walk out to the backyard to swing on the old tire that hangs from the big oak tree. I’m in my own world, a little sad that we’ve left my old neighborhood and friends. I’m not swinging that high; I’m having enough fun just digging my toes into the dirt. My mom’s going to be mad because I’m getting my good tennis shoes dirty, but I don’t care. I’m sick of moving, and I don’t care about these stupid shoes.

I see a ball roll past my feet, stopping right in front of me. When I look up, there’s a boy in dirty grass stained blue jeans and a navy blue Power Rangers t-shirt. He has longish dark hair and smudges of mud all over his face. When he
smiles, I
laugh; he’s missing three of his front teeth and looks like one of my mom’s Halloween creations.

“What are you laughing at?” he asks, looking behind his back.

I giggle again. “Nothing.”

“That swing isn’t safe, you know. See that up there?” he says, pointing at the branch that was hanging on to the trunk by a small piece of wood. “It’s going to fall soon. That’s what my mom says.”

I ignore him, continuing to sway back and forth on the swing. Boys can be so dumb, and I’m only a little bit off of the ground. If I fall, it won’t hurt that much.

“What’s your name?” he finally asks.

“Kate,” I say, shielding the sun from my eyes. “What’s yours?”

“Beau. Like a bow and arrow. My dad likes to hunt,” he says, smiling again.

I don’t know much about hunting, because I don’t have a dad to tell me about it. I never have, and it doesn’t bother me until other kids talk about their dads.

I climb out of the tire and straighten my shorts. “This town sucks.”

Beau shrugs. “I think you might like it here.”

And I did. I’d really liked the house and the town, and after a few weeks, I’d really liked Beau.

He’s been one of my best friends ever since.

That was the first time he rescued me. That branch did snap a few days later, narrowly missing my head. Beau didn’t say I told you so; he just helped me up and went to get my mom. I liked that he didn’t end up to being the type of boy who had to be right because I wasn’t the type of girl who liked to be wrong.

I hear a car door slam shut outside and look out the window to see Beau staring at my front door. I feel bad about how we left things yesterday. From the expression on his face, I can tell he’s conflicted too. Everything feels out of place, and I can’t shake the feeling that our relationship will never be the same.

I can’t take my eyes off him as he turns towards his door. I need to go out there and say my goodbyes, but I’m not sure where I should even start. Yesterday he told me that he’s in love with me, and I pushed him away. Should I just go out there and pretend like nothing happened?

I really screwed this one up.

I throw on a pair of jean shorts and my hooded Iowa Hawkeye sweatshirt. That’s where Beau’s going to school, and this is my unspoken way of supporting him. I take a few deep breaths and open my front door just as Beau comes out of his house again. Our eyes lock and we both stand motionless. I want to run to him and beg him not to leave, but I don’t want to hold him back any more than I already have. I don’t want him to know how much him leaving town is hurting me.

He walks toward his truck, placing another box into the back before walking in my direction. I think my heart stops beating for a second; I’m so nervous. He’s wearing a grey Hawkeye t-shirt with his faded jeans resting low on his hips. I try to focus on that and not the intense, dark look in his eyes, but those eyes have always been hard for me to avoid.

He pulls me into his arms, burying his nose in my hair. “Good morning,” he whispers. I rest my cheek against his chest and close my eyes, listening to the sound of his voice.

“Good morning,” I mumble, not bothering to look up at him.

“Kate, I’m really sorry about yesterday. I shouldn’t have thrown all that stuff at you right before I leave for school,” he says, running his hands up and down my back, “but I meant every word.”

This is kind of what I was hoping wouldn’t happen. I was hoping we could just forget it all.

“Beau, I care for you, but things are different between us. You’re my friend, and I can’t handle a relationship with anyone right now,” I say, trying to look up at his face, but he’s holding me so close to his chest that I can’t move.

“I’ll wait for you,” he says, finally letting me out of his grasp. He takes my face in his cool hands and kisses my forehead. I’m going to miss that too.

“Are you ready to go?” I ask, trying to change the subject. Just asking him causes my chest to tighten.

“I have two more boxes in the house that I have to grab, and then I’m done,” he replies, looking back over at his house. I expected to see his mom outside fussing over him, but I haven’t seen her once this morning.

I grab his hand and start walking up the steps. He seems hesitant. “Come on, I’ll help you grab the last of your boxes.”

He smiles, but it’s a sad one. “Are you trying to get rid of me?”

I ignore him as I continue up the steps. As soon as I open the front door, I can smell fresh chocolate chip cookies. Mrs. Bennett must be baking.

“Oh hey, Kate, would you like a cookie?” she asks, taking a pan out of the oven.

“No, thanks. I just had breakfast.” It wasn’t the truth but my stomach is so tied up in knots that I’ll be surprised if I can eat anything for the next week.

“Well, I’m going to send some home for you and your mom. Jeff and I don’t need to eat them all,” she smiles, rolling more dough into balls.

I follow Beau to his bedroom, which looks empty compared to what it was just a few days ago. Most of his Iowa posters are gone, and his charcoal grey comforter is missing from his bed. My eyes fly to the bulletin board that hangs above his desk, and I notice that the pictures of the two of us are also missing.

“I’m going to put all of them up in my room,” he says, coming to stand in front of me. I bite my lip to hold back a smile. It makes me feel better knowing that he doesn’t want to forget about me.

“Beau, why is your mom baking cookies so early in the morning?” I ask.

He rolls his eyes. “She wants to make sure I have enough to eat at school. I swear, she thinks I’m going to kindergarten all over again.” Beau’s mom reminds me of one of those sixties sitcom moms; always doing special things for him and his father. I spent a lot of time here growing up. In fact, I think I ate more suppers here than I did at my own house.

“So, where are the boxes you need help with?” I ask, glancing around the room.

“You really are trying to get rid of me,” he laughs, pointing towards his closet.

Of course I don’t want to get rid of him. I just don’t know how long I can hold the tears back. I almost have myself convinced that this is just another day for the two of us, but once reality hits I’m going to be a mess, and the clock is ticking.

I help him out to the truck with the last two boxes and stand silent with my hands tucked into my back pockets. This is the moment I’ve been dreading.

“Well,” I say, staring nervously at my feet, “I guess this is goodbye . . . for now.”

He places his hands on my shoulders, gently rubbing his thumbs against my neck. “This is see you later. I could never say goodbye to you. Ever,” he says, pressing his lips to my forehead.

My eyes fill with tears that had threatened me all morning. “I’m going to miss you, Beau,” I cry, wiping my cheeks with the sleeve of my sweatshirt.

“I’ll come home next weekend. I promise.”

I shake my head. “No, you have to live your life. Please, don’t worry about me. I’ll be okay.”

“Kate, don’t try to push me away,” he says, pulling me into his chest.

“I’m not. I’m just letting you go,” I cry. The longer Beau holds onto the idea of us, the longer it will take him to find something better. He deserves all the good the world will give him. He deserves the love of someone who can give him everything. I have to let him go so he can find that.