Bent not Broken (67 page)

“You know why I had to do that, Erin! She didn’t want me anymore. You would have run after her to try to change her mind. You would have made her feel guilty for leaving. I wanted her to live the life that
she
wanted, to have a chance to be happy. I couldn’t stand in the way of that, and you running after her definitely would have!”

How could Erin blame me for wanting Melanie to be happy? Every day I had wanted to find her. But if being away from me was the one thing that made her happy, that was the one thing I could give her.

“Right there, Daniel! Right there! Where in that screwed up head of yours would you get the idea Melanie didn’t love you anymore? That she didn’t want you?”

“Oh, I don’t know, Erin, maybe when I killed our daughter!” Anger rolled off me as I hovered over her, my hands in fists at my side.

“She never blamed you, Daniel!” she yelled back. “It wasn’t your fault!”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Erin.”

Erin kicked pieces of the shattered plate across the floor.

“Daniel, I’ve kept this in for nine years. Nine fucking years!” She sobbed as she held her stomach with one arm. “I made promises to both of you, and I should have broken them a long time ago. All they did was ruin your lives, both of you trying to protect the other. You were both fools, and I was a fool to agree!”

“Erin, please, what are you saying?”

“She never blamed you, Daniel.” As her unexpected anger seemed to wane, she stepped forward, spoke softly. “She was protecting you. Her parents threatened that if she didn’t go back to Dallas, they’d have you arrested. It broke her heart to leave, Daniel. She was crushed. She made me promise to never tell you because she knew you’d go straight to her father. At that time she was terrified of him, terrified of what he would do to you.”

What? Her parents did this to us? How could they?

Erin bit her lip and averted her gaze as if in guilt. “And she kept making these comments.” She looked up at me, her expression tortured. “She said maybe she wasn’t good enough for you, and she needed to give you time to decide.

My knees went weak, and I reached to Erin for support.

She didn’t blame me? All of these years, I’d always believed what everyone had insisted wasn’t true. Erin was right—I was a fool.

“Why then, Erin? Why, when I went after her, had she married somebody else? Why?” I begged, praying she knew.

“I don’t know, Daniel.” We swayed, clutching each other, our anger released and washed away, now replaced with questions and what-ifs. “That’s why I was so angry that you wouldn’t let me go to her. I always knew we were missing something, and the only person who could answer that question was Melanie.”

All these years, everything I had believed was a lie—a lie I had told myself.

I clung to my sister and let go of the blame I’d held onto for so long and just accepted it.

It wasn’t my fault.

Chapter Fourteen

The smell of coffee filtered through the kitchen. I stood in front of the pot, willing it to brew faster, my eyes heavy with fatigue.

The last three weeks had not been easy.

The foundation I’d built my life on for the past nine miserable years had been shaken, cracks rippling through the concrete. I had no idea what side I’d end up on when it finally broke apart.

I hadn’t come face-to-face with Daniel since that night, but I knew he was always near.

I could feel him, sense his eyes upon me in almost everything I did. My nerves bristled as I walked down the street, my body calling to him, begging to be touched.

I knew why he had to stay away. I’d never want to be that kind of person anyway, one who would break apart a family, a home. As badly as I wanted him, I would never be responsible for that. Yet, it didn’t stop me from driving by his office each day, hoping to catch just a glimpse of him, though I never did. And it definitely didn’t keep away the black car, barely visible from where it sat down the street. That car was there in those moments when the weight of his presence nearly brought to my knees, when the pull was almost too great to ignore. It was in those moments I almost didn’t care if it’d make me a bad person if I went to him. Still, I held back. I didn’t have room for one more regret in my life, so we loved each other from afar.

I heard movement upstairs and braced myself. Things with Nicholas had been…interesting.

I’d never gone back to his room after that night. I’d made the guest room my own and refused to allow myself to be used in that way again. I knew he had no qualms about getting what he wanted elsewhere. When I first came to Chicago, I’d made an effort to do the normal things I thought a wife should do, thinking if I had a role to play, then I should play it well. I’d packed the chicken salad and the bread I’d baked and headed to Nicholas’s office. I’d opened his office door to find a naked woman in his lap, his pants pooled around his feet. He’d acknowledged me by coolly telling me, “Close the door, Melanie.” He’d come home that night and never said one thing about it or acted any different. I’d felt nothing but relief in finding them, hoping it meant he would come to me less often. I learned quickly it didn’t.

But that didn’t matter now. I’d promised myself that night three weeks ago that I’d never let him touch me again.

Footsteps thudded down the stairs as I poured my first cup of coffee. I ignored Nicholas when he came in the room.

The air surrounding us was tense. We’d said very few words to each other since that night. He’d crossed a line when he hit me, and he knew it. Never would I let things get back to the way were, even though I sensed he expected it to. I could feel his anger simmering, always on the verge of exploding.

I knew it was just a matter of time.

“Melanie.” I looked up in shock, surprised he’d spoken to me. “Shane is coming by to pick up these papers. He’ll be here in about a half an hour. I was supposed to take them, but I’m running late for a meeting.” He flopped a legal-sized manila envelope down on the counter.

I nodded but otherwise continued to ignore him shuffling around the kitchen as he gathered his things. Only when I heard his car back out of the garage did I begin to relax. Curious, I reached over and grabbed the envelope, nearly dropping it when I saw what was written across it. “Montgomery Oncology.” Daniel. These papers were for Daniel.

My palms became sweaty as I contemplated.

It was true I’d driven by his office every day for the last three weeks, but I’d never stepped foot inside. Could I bear to be that close to him? To maybe catch sight of his wavy hair as he walked down the hallway, hesitation in his step when he felt me? To possibly see his eyes filled with love for me, even if it were only for a second?

I dialed Shane’s number before I allowed myself to think of the consequences. Shane dithered over the idea, but ultimately conceded and promised he would tell Nicholas he had dropped them off himself.

“Just a glimpse, Melanie,” I promised myself as I ascended the stairs. I still hadn’t moved all of my things out, resigning myself to showering and dressing after Nicholas had gone.

I rushed through my shower. Trying to relax would be futile. My stomach was in knots, protesting against the anticipation igniting a path through my veins. I dried quickly, slipped into my robe, and wrapped a towel around my head.

“Humph.” I hesitated when I walked into the closet, before I settled on a white-collared blouse with the sleeves rolled up and a black skirt that barely passed as business casual. It was snug at the hips and tapered out to flow loosely down my thighs, coming to rest right above my knees. I slipped into some black round-toed pumps and stood in front of my mirror. It was conservative but cute, and it would just have to do as not a single emotion swirling through me even came close to resembling one of confidence.

I walked down the stairs, tension building with each step. My body knew each one brought me closer to him.

I took the now very familiar path to his office, my fingers kneading the steering wheel as I tried to give myself reassurance for the reason I was doing this. Was I trying to torture or comfort myself?

It was blatantly clear that seeing him this one time would never be enough or fulfill my need for him. Every time I felt him near, I only wanted more. Right now, though, I was willing to fool myself into believing anything.

The first wave of energy hit me as I turned onto his street, the pull seeking me out and drawing me near. He was here. When I reached the front of his building, I pulled into the first space I could find, and I gave myself a minute to compose myself. How was I going to walk in there as if this was nothing and I was simply handing the receptionist a pack of papers?

“Come on, Melanie. You can do this.” I breathed in as I coaxed my nerves to settle.

I just needed to get in there and get out. I would take with me a visual, a picture of where he spent his days so I could place him there in my mind as I thought of him each day.

Gathering my last bit of courage, I stepped out, something I’d tried once, the day after first seeing him, but my feet had been unable to carry me. I hadn’t tried again since. This time I pressed forward, my steps loud in my ears as I crossed the street. Daniel’s presence was a dull buzz in the back of my head, growing each second, becoming a steady throb. I inhaled, closed my eyes, and swung the door open, immediately overwhelmed by the energy in the room. There was no oxygen to breathe, only Daniel, the one who supplied life to my lungs.

I stumbled as I entered the room, and I struggled to maintain some sort of composure. The room was silent except for the clinking of a keyboard and the pounding in my head.

Tentatively, I walked forward. The woman behind the desk halted her strokes to look up and smile at me. “May I help you, dear?” I braced myself on the counter, finding it difficult to make my mouth work. My jaw locked in restraint against every part of me that demanded I seek Daniel out, but I controlled myself and handed the woman the envelope. “Um, yes. I have a delivery for Dr. Montgomery from Borelli & Preston Contractors.”

Okay. Job done. Now it was time to run. I couldn’t handle being here. He was just too close. I had promised myself weeks ago I would keep my distance and allow us to love each other through that space, and it was clear now I’d crossed that line.

I whispered, “Thank you,” but before I could turn to leave, she pushed the envelope back to me.

“Dr. Montgomery asked that I ensure he was able to speak with the person who delivered this, if you don’t mind?” Her eyes were kind.

I gulped for the nonexistent oxygen in the room. I knew I should run, escape, but secretly I’d been hoping this would happen. To see him, talk to him. Just once. He’d never told me goodbye, and somewhere inside me, I wanted that resolution. I wanted him just to say it, to end the confusion I felt. But was I really ready for that rejection? To hear him say I wasn’t enough? And what would it change anyway? My soul would always belong to him just as his belonged to me, no matter what words he said.

The longing to see him ultimately won. I nodded and took the envelope back in my hands.

She pressed a button on her headset. “Dr. Montgomery, your delivery from Borelli & Preston is here.”

She bobbed her head and said, “Yes, doctor.”

“He’ll see you now.” She stood and started around her desk, when the front door opened and somebody came through. She had a look of apology on her face. “He’s the first door on the left. Can you find it okay?”

“Sure,” I muttered mostly to myself as she turned to help the other person. I stared down the hallway. Both fear and longing consumed me. I willed myself to walk, but every footstep was heavy, dragging with what I feared I would soon be regret. I stalled outside his door, my heart listening to his. I could feel it pounding, drawing me forward.

I didn’t even knock. I turned the knob and pushed the door open. My feet locked in place when I saw him. Daniel. I blinked several times as I took him in. He was leaning over, bracing himself with his palms flat on his desk. He must have realized that it was me just before I opened the door. His head was cocked, his hazel eyes wide.

I couldn’t move. I felt as if I were caught in time and the second hand was unable to tick on.

Finally he rose, cautious and slow. His eyes were fierce and desperate, a fire that I’d never seen before burning behind them. My feet moved of their own accord and my arm dropped from the door. Silently it closed behind me. Everything in the room was still except for the energy roaring between us.

“Melanie,” he called to me, a whisper directly to my heart, pumping it with life. I was mesmerized as he wet his dry lips. His shoulders were held rigid, his chest trembling with his staggered breaths. I felt it all—his longing, his desire, his hunger. And I knew he could feel mine. Quivering under his intense stare, my muscles twitched in anticipation. My knees went weak when I saw him snap, undecided no more.

I could barely register the movement before he rounded his desk, and his lips crashed against mine. His hands sank into my hair, pulling my body roughly against his.

It felt as if my body had burst into flames with his sudden touch. Everything about him was overpowering, consuming, dominating. Rough and gentle at the same time.

I pressed into him, my chest against his, our hearts beating in rhythm. Digging my fingers into his neck, I struggled to get closer. We were desperate as we clung to each other. We needed to feel, to heal the scars disfiguring our hearts, to erase some of the hurt. His hands rushed with need, twisted through my curls, down my back, and then into my hair again. His kiss was forceful—too intense—ice and fire and sweet—all Daniel. I breathed him in, touched him, memorized the way he smelled, the way he felt.

His hair was so soft between my fingers. A shiver traveled down his spine.

With a sudden slant of his head, he swept his tongue across my lip. I opened to him, drawing him in. There was no teasing or testing. Aggressively, he moved his mouth with mine, sucking in my bottom lip at the same time he bit at it. Rough. Hard. Perfect. He pushed me back against the door, his body flush with mine. A moan escaped my mouth.