Betrayal (34 page)

'For himself and his family, undoubtedly yes. But for others—I very much doubt it. It is a highly lucrative business these days.'

'He's not a drug peddler!'

'I didn't mean that he walked the streets of London handing his packages over in shop doorways.'

'Presumably he felt everyone expected it. There aren't many parties in London where it isn't available.'

'Have you ever tried it?'

'I'm very boring, Renato. I'm not into any kind of experiments. I don't like losing control of myself.'

'Wise where drugs are concerned, but in other circumstances I would like to see you lose control.'

'Don't!' She could feel herself blushing.

'What did I say?' His eyes were suddenly wide and innocent and she had to laugh because only moments earlier he'd been watching everyone in the room with a hawk-like intensity that wasn't in the least innocent.

'Never mind! I wonder if they'd notice if I filled the bowl up with Beechams powders one day?'

He laughed aloud. 'Probably not! It might even become the latest craze. Most people here are so bored they'd be grateful for anything new.'

'You despise them, don't you?'

'Not at all. To me they are not important. But you, I think, despise them.'

'I don't. It's just that sometimes I'm frightened by their lack of purpose. It's easy to see how it happens. Neal thinks I'm silly because I don't have every minute of my days filled with female things, but when I listen to some of the women I know that I can't be like them. I'm all wrong for their sort of life and there's no point in trying to pretend otherwise.'

'Your husband chose you because you were different.' 'Now we're married he'd rather I conformed.'

'A pity; do not let him succeed. Tell me, how is your little girl?' Finding that he was genuinely interested in Jessica's new treatment,

Lisa committed the cardinal sin of forgetting she was the hostess and remained engrossed in conversation with the Italian far longer than was acceptable. Surprisingly, it was Bishop who put a stop to their conversation before Neal became too enraged. He did this not to protect Lisa—in fact, the more mistakes she made the happier he was—but to protect the Italian whom he thought he might need.

'Mrs Gueras,' he said with cold courtesy, 'I don't think we've exchanged a single word this evening. Perhaps you'd care to come into the other room with me! They've begun dancing, and since your husband's occupied you might allow me the honour of the first dance.'

Bellini was quicker than Lisa to grasp the situation. Without a word he stood up and strode away from her side, quickly finding his Caroline—now high on excellent cocaine—and taking her off to the dancing without a backward glance.

Flustered, Lisa hesitated. 'Your husband's watching you,' said Bishop.

'But we were only… Thank you, Bishop. I'd like to dance.'

He was very light on his feet and although she was taller than him she found dancing with him enjoyable. Three dances later she partnered the Dutchman and then her younger dinner partner, until an hour had passed and Neal was finally free to take her in his arms. He steered her through the packed floor and out into the cooler hallway.

'Enjoying yourself?'

She smiled, her face animated. 'Yes, a lot.' 'Remind me not to take you to Italy for a holiday.'

'Neal, Renato was asking me about Jessica. He was interested in her new…'

'Don't be such a cretin! He's no more interested in Jessica than I am. He just enjoys having your undivided attention as you smile and flirt with him in front of everyone.'

'I did not flirt with him!'

Neal's grip tightened on her wrist. 'That's not how it looked to me.'

'You're crazy. Why would I want to flirt with him?'

'Because you fancy him. I don't suppose he'd have to wait very long before he was allowed back into your bed. You'd probably have been knocking on his door after two nights. Let me remind you of something, Lisa. You're my wife and that's how it's going to be until death us do part, remember? And should I ever discover that you'd been unfaithful to me… '

'This conversation is unbelievable!'

'… I wouldn't hesitate,' he continued calmly, 'to put that idiot daughter of yours away in an institution and make certain you never set eyes on her again. As for your partner in any liaison, don't imagine he'd ever get the opportunity to make a fool of any other husband.'

Terrified by his simmering fury, she knew that further argument would be disastrous. Instead she dropped her eyes. 'I'm sorry,' she said quietly. 'I honestly didn't realise how long we'd been talking. If it looked impolite then I've let you down and that's the last thing I intended. He was simply someone to talk to, nothing more.'

'Next time choose someone who speaks English better, that might make your excuse more convincing!' But he smiled as he spoke and she knew that, provided she was careful for the rest of the evening, the crisis had been averted.

'I wish they'd go,' he said suddenly. 'All I want now is you.'

If Lisa had her way the guests would have stayed until dawn but naturally they didn't and at four a.m. she found herself alone in the bedroom with her husband. Before she could finish removing her makeup he was behind her, his hands possessively on her shoulders. 'Leave that,' he murmured, 'I want to undress you.'

Exhausted by the swings of emotion she'd experienced during the evening and shaken by her attraction to the Italian, Lisa felt it only fair to acquiesce with as much grace as possible. It wasn't her husband's fault that she didn't respond to his particular type of sexuality; a sexuality she could both recognise and understand even while remaining unmoved by it.

His hands were shaking as he unzipped the back of the satin dress and slid it off her shoulders. Then he laid her on the bed, hooking his thumbs into the sides of her silk french knickers and easing them slowly down her long legs, leaving her in her silk stockings.

Picking her up he moved her higher up the bed before stripping off his own clothes and lying next to her, his eyes traveling the length of her body again and again before he put out a hand and stroked her lightly across her hip bones. Her muscles jumped instinctively and all at once he wasn't able to spend as long as he'd intended arousing her. He quickly moved down the bed, parted her legs with firm hands and placed his right leg between them to prevent her from closing herself against him.

Lisa shut her eyes and tried to enjoy his touch. It was good to feel desired and feminine after pregnancy and giving birth, and she thought that if he'd only give her time it would be better than before Alexi's birth. But Neal was treating time as his enemy.

His fingers found her clitoris and he quickly rotated his thumb until he could see for himself the involuntary movements of her hips as she became aroused. Quickly he inserted two fingers into her, moving them in and out in an imitation of what was to come. When Lisa tried to stop him he forgot that he might be bringing back unpleasant memories and thought only in terms of personal rejection. As a result he increased the speed of the movement until she actually cried out. Aware that it was all going wrong, and with the vision of her beautiful, adoring face close to Bellini's before him, he withdrew his fingers and thrust savagely inside her, no longer caring about what she felt but simply relishing the tight warmth of her and the wonderful sensation of conquest as he took her without any tenderness, in the primitive sexual pride of power and possession.

For Lisa the first tiny stirrings of feeling, the elusive flickers of promised pleasure, quickly died away, and after that all she was aware of was his intruding fingers and intrusive penis that made her feel dry and sore, a legacy of Alexi's long and difficult birth.

She tried to feel something more. She desperately wanted to please him because she knew he was searching for a response and that most women would have been able to give him one. Eventually she was reduced to moving herself up to meet him and tightening her muscles in an attempt to force him to climax quickly.

In this at least she succeeded. All at once he groaned with pleasure and then collapsed heavily against her, one hand still reaching out for her breasts. All the time he lay recovering, his fingers continued to knead them until some of her breast milk began to leak. Thinking he'd be disgusted she tried to draw away but when he opened his eyes and saw what had happened he rolled across her and licked at the liquid, a gesture that Lisa found distasteful but which so aroused her husband that within ten minutes he was taking her again, with the vigor of a man half his age.

Finally, exhausted and content, he lay beside her, holding her body tenderly against him. 'Still no good?' he murmured, but with no idea of just how far from good it had been.

'I enjoyed it,' she lied. 'It's been a long time.'

'You make me feel young again,' he smiled, then fell deeply asleep. Lisa, lying awake until dawn, felt very old. She tried to tell herself that she was still suffering slight post-natal blues and that everything would soon look better, but then she would start imagining how it might have been with the Italian until disgust at her betrayal of Neal cancelled out even that innocuous pleasure .

She spent most of the following day in bed, pleading exhaustion, and Neal—happy again now he'd resumed his marital rights—was more than content to let her rest. He even suggested that she didn't try and join him in London for a couple of days, and she realised she'd be safely alone for Mrs Honeywood's first visit.

It was only that thought that helped her cope with Neal's even more amorous attentions on the Sunday night and again on the Monday morning before he left for town. By then he was becoming irritated by her lack of pleasure and suggested a visit to her gynaecologist while in London. She agreed and he finally left with Bishop, leaving Mike to bring her to town on the Wednesday for a charity film gala.

As soon as he'd gone Lisa switched her mind to her daughter and the importance of the forthcoming day. It was now even more vital that Jessica gained from her marriage since it was increasingly clear that neither Lisa nor Neal was likely to remain satisfied with this partnership they'd entered into with such differing expectations.

Mrs Honeywood noticed that Lisa looked elated when it was time to go up to Jessica. She could have voiced all sorts of warnings but didn't, thinking it kinder to let Lisa find out for herself.

Jessica was sitting in the corner playing with an old alarm clock. She didn't look at the adults and so Lisa went and picked her up. With a scream of terror, Jessica began to kick furiously, her hands hitting Lisa round the face and ears. The therapist watched Lisa struggling to keep her balance until finally she and her daughter toppled on to the deep two-seater sofa brought from the mews cottage.

Following instructions, she turned the little girl round to face her, but Jessica twisted and turned like an eel. Eventually, Lisa managed to wrap one trousered leg across her daughter's thighs so that she lay on her stomach. She then took the tiny face between her hands, forcing her to look up into her eyes.

The terror on Jessica's face was unbelievable. Opening her mouth wide she howled in fear and confusion, frantically moving her head in an attempt to get free. Finding that she was truly pinioned with no hope of escape she closed her eyes and began to wail despairingly. It was the sound of someone without any hope.

Drenched in sweat and shaking with physical effort, Lisa looked to the therapist for guidance. 'Now talk to her,' she urged. 'Tell her you understand her fear. Explain that it doesn't matter that she's angry, explain you know what she's feeling, that it's all right for her to be this way. Keep talking her through it, repeating all the time how much you love her.'

'But she's hating it! I've never seen her so distressed.'

'Keep talking and don't let her get away from you . The touching is further reassurance of your love.'

Almost in tears herself , Lisa began to talk. She told Jessica how much she'd wanted her, and how happy she was to have a little girl.

She promised her that no one would hurt her, that as her mother she'd always look after her, encouraging her to release her anger. All the time, Jessica cried and cried, tears pouring down her white face, her body trembling with confusion and terror.

For a seemingly endless hour they sat there, Lisa and Jessica, now both locked in the child's world. Never once did it seem to Lisa that her daughter was gaining anything at all. By the end of the time she was still fighting with all her force, spitting occasionally and screaming dementedly. If their eyes met she'd become even more terrified, once shouting, 'No, hot! No, hot!' as she tried to turn away.

After the hour, Janice arrived and Jessica's first lesson was over. Once released she scrambled from Lisa's lap, crawling away like a wounded animal into the furthest corner. There she sat, her back to the adults, arms across her chest, shoulders hunched and head down; shutting them all out as she began to hum Tosca's 'Vissi d'arte' aria with incredible accuracy.

'I have lived for art, I have lived for love!' said Lisa bitterly. 'That poor child. What have I done to her? She's never been so frightened in her life. How can it possibly do her any good? I thought…'