Betrayed (The Worshipped Series Book 2) (33 page)

“Karen!”

The room clears and I blink a few times. I look around the room and I have no idea what just happened. Jason is standing in front of me instead of being behind me. He looks worried. What the hell just happened? He was sitting behind me, comforting me. How’s it possible that I didn’t realize what was happening?

“Where … what? Jason what happened?”

“I’m not really sure. You wouldn’t answer me and you seemed in some sort of daze.”

I look around the room trying to clear my mind. I must have been stuck in the horrible memories of the past. That has never happened to me before. I wonder if it’s because I actually relived the moment while telling Jason. It makes sense. That part of my life I try to bury and make it seem like it never happened. I love my sister, but missing her hurts to damn much. 

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. Sorry for drifting off on you. That’s never happened to me before.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for. It’s alright to think of her and talk about her. It’s okay to miss her.”

I shake my head. I know he’s right but I can’t let myself think anymore of Katie. The memories are too painful. I can’t think of her. If I do, all I can think of is all the guilt I feel. 

“I can’t. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“Why? Because you feel guilty for her dying? Karen, it was not your fault. It was some fucked up accident that no one could control. No one could have known. It was not your fault she died.”

I stand up and walk the other side of the room. I need space. I need to distance myself from Jason, and from everything around me. I have to find the control again. It’s the only thing that will hold everything inside me together. If not, I fear I will lose it. I can’t and will not lose it. 

 I hold up my hand as I say, “You have no idea what you’re talking about. I can’t talk about this anymore.”

“Don’t shut me out Karen. You know this is the truth. You need to accept it. Accept it and grieve her. Holding it all inside is not the way.”

“And I’m supposed to listen to you? What the hell do you know about losing someone you love? You don’t know how to love anyone!”

His head drops and I instantly wish I could take back what I just said. Even I know that is a low blow for him. 

“Jason, I … look I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

“Yes you did and you’re right. I don’t know how to love because I’ve never really felt that emotion before. I care for very few people, but I’ve never loved anyone. And I do know what you’re going through and if you let it, the grief and that pain will eat you alive from the inside out. Is that why you are such a control freak? You think having control over everything and everyone it will just magically make it all go away? Well, I hate to break it to you, but that isn’t the way shit works.”

His words hit me like a ton of bricks. I never questioned why I had to have control over everything before. I never cared to understand it. But what he’s saying, makes total sense. Katie’s death was the sole reason I became a doctor. Why I chose to be an OBGYN. I may not be able to save lives, but bringing in new ones is just as good. 

“I think we should let this conversation go and call it a night. This has been one hell of an emotional day and I can’t deal with anything else.”

I know it’s cowardly of me to run away from the conversation, but I can’t take anymore tonight. I feel as though I’m holding on by a thread and that thread is very close to breaking. I have always prided myself on being strong and not being weak. If I let myself breakdown, I don’t know if I can ever come back from it. I have been running and pushing it down so much for so long I will be buried in it. I cannot let that happen. 

Neither of us say another word as we climb back into bed. I roll over facing the wall away from Jason. I just need to sleep. I don’t know why I even wanted to tell him about Katie. I shouldn’t have. It is one of the things about myself that I didn’t want anyone to see and now he has. He is the only one to see that side of me. I hope he lets it go and possibly forgets all about it. I know I will do my damnedest to do the same. 

I wake up right as the sun starts to brighten the sky. I stretch and look over to see Jason’s not in the bed with me. I get up and start to look for him. I don’t know if he left in the middle of the night or if he just got up before I did. I can’t find him anywhere inside, so I walk outside and look around for him. I don’t know what would make him leave without telling me. It makes me worry. I don’t know how he is really doing with everything that was said last night. From him having to relive his past and then me freaking out about mine, I just don’t want him to turn to his darkness to cope with it all. I am beginning to see that he hasn’t felt or shown real and true emotions in a very long time. I am sure that Dominic didn’t need a killer with emotions. I don’t let myself really think too much about Dominic. Every time I do, I get angier. That man needs to be locked away forever. Someone needs to put him in a padded room with a straight jacket and forget about him.  

I walk around the side of the house and I sigh in relief when I see Jason in the hammock. His eyes are closed and I think he might have slept out here last night. I want to slap myself for pushing him away. I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want to talk anymore about Katie and pushing him away was easier than dealing with my fucked up problems. 

I try to be quiet as I make my way over to him. I don’t want to wake him just yet. I’m curious and a little excited to see what he has planned in showing me how much he can change. But I can wait a little longer. I watch him as he sleeps and I wish he looked this way all the time. He looks really and truly at peace. There is no inner struggle to find a balance. There is no need for him to hide behind that mask. He looks almost innocent when he sleeps. Vulnerable. Hell even sleeping he is still fucking sexy. He is only in loose fitting shorts and I find myself staring at his tattoos again. One day I will get him to tell me what they mean. 

“I can feel you staring.”

His voice startles me. I look up and blush. He has been watching me ogle him for however long. I don’t know why I am embarrassed by looking at him. Fuck he is beautiful and hell I should want to stare at him all day every day. 

“Did you sleep out here all night?” I ask to change the subject. I honestly don’t know what else to say. 

“No. I was waiting for you to get up and I must have dozed back off.”

And cue awkward silence. 

We look at each other not knowing what to say. His intense stare is making me want to look away but I can’t. I am lost into those brown eyes of his. He holds all the power over me right now and he knows it. He smiles at me and the gaze is broken. He is up to something. He slowly gets off the hammock and my pussy comes back to life watching his abs contract. He is nothing but sin. Sex, power, and I secretly love it. I watch him as he walks closer to me and I shiver when his hand moves my hair out of my face. I close my eyes as his touch washes over me. I have missed this. I have missed him. I know I am supposed to be pissed at him still, but how can I when he touches me so gently. So tenderly, as if I am precious to only him. 

“Come. We need to get going if we are going to make it on time.”

I snap my head up and my eyes pop open. What is he talking about? He must sense my unease. He touches my cheek with his fingertips as he says, “Don’t worry. You’re going to love what I have planned for the day.”

All I can do is nod. All of my vocabulary has left my brain. I don’t understand how one touch from him can do this to me. I need to remember to keep a distance. I can’t let him in so soon. I still have to remember all the things he told me last night and the things he has done. I can’t let him think I have forgiven him yet.  

He drops his hand and starts to walk away. I wait a minute trying to find my brain again. After a few deep breathes, I feel more in control of myself. I walk back to the cabin and head straight to the shower. I don’t know what he is up to, but I can’t lose my control again. 

Stupid man and his touching. 

Karen is fighting herself again. I can tell she doesn’t want to feel anything for me after what I have done. I don’t blame her. I’m still in shock she is still here with me. After the things I told her, I never thought she would still be here. I know she cares for me deeply. I don’t know if she loves me or not. What kind of person could love a man like me? But seeing her standing over me and the way she was staring at me, I knew then she still felt something for me. I hate that I have pushed her back to that inner turmoil. I want to take that away, but all I can do is show her how much I am willing to change. I would do everything for her. I would do whatever it takes to make her look at me again like she used to. Before I fucked everything up. 

I quickly change and make a few phone calls while she is in the shower. I didn’t really have a plan for the day until this morning when I woke. As I waited for Karen to wake up, I thought about my boat that’s still at the harbor. I never use it, and I thought it’d be something Karen would enjoy. I am grateful that I thought of hiring a crew to keep an eye on it and make sure the boat is ready to go at all times. I bought the damn thing on a whim years ago. It was shortly after I had purchased the cabin. I am glad I have it now. Showing off the island to Karen will be good for the both of us. Being in the open water and being able to enjoy the beauty of this place will be great for us. 

I hope. It may all crash and burn. 

I can’t think that way. I have to show Karen an amazing time today and I will do just that. I’m determined more than ever to get her back. I tell myself I will do anything it takes. I just have to control the darkness. I can’t let it surface even though it is clawing inside of me wanting to break free. It’s strange to think of it the way I have been lately. Before I just accepted it was a part of me and who I was. Now I see that it’s the worst part of myself and I want nothing more to push it out of me. I want it gone for good. I know I will always struggle with it. This isn’t something that will just go away. I sigh thinking how hard it is going to be fighting this every single day for the rest of my life. But she is worth it. Karen is the only person who I want to do this for. 

I hear Karen walk out onto the porch to join me. I turn around and fuck me, she is beautiful. Even though she is just wearing a simple beach dress again, she still looks amazing. 

“I wasn’t sure of what to wear. Is this okay?”

“It’s perfect.”

She blushes at my compliment. I like that blush on her. I walk over and take her hand and I lead the way to the harbor. I decided we should walk. It isn’t far from the cabin and it will give us a chance to talk and for me to be close to her. I will use any excuse I can just to be able to touch her. I for one, am glad she doesn’t refuse the hand holding. I want to be the perfect gentleman this week. I want to show her there is more to me than a dominating killer. I can be gentle with her and show her how much she means to me. Even if I can’t figure out all the emotions she brings out, I can at least show her. I can only hope one day I will be able to actually tell her. I just need to figure out what they mean first. 

“Are you going to tell me where we are going?”

“Nope. It’s a surprise.”

“Can I have a hint?”

I smile at her liking this playful side. She seems to be holding back, but at least she is humoring me. 

“How can it be a surprise if you guess it before we get there?”

She seems to think about it for a few moments. Then she stops and turns to me. 

“Look I get what you’re trying to do. And I appreciate you trying and making this seem romantic, but you have to know I am not having sex with you.”

Her statement confuses me. It was never my intention to have my wicked way with her. Well not today at least. She needs more time before she opens up to me again and I am willing to do that. 

“Who said anything about sex? I just want to spend the day with you. I want to show you not everything about me is a horrible monster. I can be that man you want. All I need you to do is let me show you. You said I have a week. It’s not going to work if you’re already dooming me to fail.”

She drops her head and sighs. I don’t think she realized she was doing what I said. The last thing I want is for her to second guess me every step of the way. I don’t want her to think I want to do these things for her for the wrong reasons. Yes I would love nothing more to sink balls deep inside of her and to feel her tight pussy around my cock. But I would gladly never touch her again if it meant she would open up to me and give me this one week to prove I can change. This isn’t going to work if she isn’t willing to let me try.