Bette Midler (42 page)

However, when this revelation finally sinks in, Debra knees Nick in the groin, starts screaming, and throws a very large and expensive box
of sushi at the mime. She manages to make it back to the car, where she breaks down crying. However, the traffic is so thick that she finds herself stuck in the car, unable to escape the snarl of traffic in the parking lot.

Nick finds her in the car, and together they park and return to the mall to discuss this dilemma further. They then argue about which divorce lawyer they should use. He insists that she use him as her divorce lawyer, so they can save the legal fees. Next they start verbally dividing up their community property, over lunch at a Mexican restaurant and several margaritas. Debra manages to get loaded and weepy as the margarita glasses pile up.

Then their argument continues in the mall movie theater—Nick lugging the lime-green surfboard Debra has bought him as an anniversary present, into the theater. The theater scene is hysterical. They begin arguing in whispering tones during an Indian film up on the screen. As he starts experiencing chest pains and has trouble breathing, they somehow rekindle their devotion for one another and then start having sex in the movie theater. Outlandishly, Nick goes down on Debra right there in her seat, and she has a loud orgasm while people on the screen are running down the streets of India. The scene is inspired insanity, to say the least.

After sex, they leave the theater in love and lust. Finally, with the clarity of their sexual reconciliation, she admits that she, too, has been having an extramarital affair. That’s it, now he is suddenly all finished with her.

When he attempts to leave Debra stranded at the mall, he returns to the parking structure to find that the car has been towed, as it was erroneously parked in a “handicapped” slot. Next, they run into each other in the painkiller aisle of the mall drugstore. With post-painkiller clarity, they begin discussing their future aspirations for their life.

Then it’s off to the mall’s blue light-illuminated Maison du Caviar, for champagne and caviar. The opulent caviar makes them romantic again. However, their conversation turns into another argument, this time over which one of their mutual friends they would each like to sleep with.

Throughout the entire film, Debra uses the mall payphone, announcing that the party is “on,” “off,” “on,” “off,” and finally “on” again. Suddenly, she wants a new outfit for their anniversary party, which is
now back on track. Then, he decides that he, too, wants a new outfit for the evening. As the film ends, they are back together—and still arguing.

This kooky film exploits an old movie theme—
Scenes from a Marriage
—and cleverly takes it shopping. In one scene, they get into the mall elevator and muscleman/romance novel coverboy Fabio is in it.

Although it was not a huge box-office hit, the film is quirky and totally entertaining. Bette’s compatriot-in-song Marc Shaiman handled the music for the film, and as the ending credits roll, she sings the standard “You Do Something to Me.”

While the reviews for
Stella
had been mixed, the reviews for
Scenes from a Mall
were awful. Roger Ebert, in the
Chicago Sun-Times
, called it “very bad indeed,” further dissecting it by stating, “the movie doesn’t work, except for a short time at the beginning. . . . Allen and Midler struggle heroically with their characters, but there is nothing in this story for us to believe” (
135
).

David Denby, in
New York
magazine, claimed, “Both Allen and Midler are required to play the scenes realistically, but as performers, they are inherently too stylized for such a trite, knowing, ‘psychological’ approach to marital weariness. . . . 
Scenes from a Mall
is not a dud—there are a few jokes—but it left me with an almost mournful sense of disappointment” (
136
). And Leonard Maltin’s
Movie Guide
wearily stated, “Fans of the stars should take a look, but this one ranks as a major disappointment” (
128
).

Coming to her own defense about her latest two films, Bette explained at the time, “I was so slagged for
Stella
. I’m afraid to talk about it even to defend myself.
Stella
wasn’t so bad. I guess people just read such terrible reviews that they decided they didn’t want to spend their seven dollars. It wasn’t that bad. I always cry when I look at it. I believe nobody saw that picture. And the same thing is true for
Scenes from a Mall
. I loved it. I loved making it. I loved being involved with Woody Allen and Paul Mazursky, and I sat in that screening room and I loved it. I was so shocked that people didn’t go to see it. I was just dumbfounded. I said, ‘Well, you know, you just throw up your hands. What do they want?’ ” (
131
).

Regardless of what
Scenes from a Mall
was doing at the box office, Bette was big news in the recording business. On February 20, the 33rd Annual Grammy Awards opened with Midler singing her latest hit, “From a Distance,” on the telecast, live from Radio City Music Hall in New York City. Like “Wind beneath My Wings” a year before, the song
won the Grammy for Song of the Year, with the trophy going to the song’s writer, Julie Gold.

In June of 1991 Bette was in England, where she appeared on the BBC1-TV show
Wogan
. The week of August 29 the Record Industry Association of America announced that the
Beaches
soundtrack had been certified Triple Platinum, making it her biggest-selling album yet.

Meanwhile, Bette’s children’s song “Blueberry Pie” was revived from the 1980s
Sesame Street
album and was included on the all-star compilation album
For Our Children
, and it reached Number 31 on the American album charts.

On the 15th of September, Bette Midler was honored by AIDS Project Los Angeles, for her charitable work, raising money for AIDS victims. The event, known as “Commitment for Life V,” was held at the Universal Amphitheatre.

In 1991, American journalist and TV talkshow host Geraldo Rivera published his memoir
Exposing Myself
. In the text of the book, Rivera wrote about his hot affair with Bette Midler during the 1970s. Bette saw “red” when she read what he had to say about her, and all of a sudden a whole lot of mud was flung!

Wrote Geraldo, “She had great tits and personality to match. We were in the bathroom, preparing for the interview, and at some point I put my hands on her breasts. She loved it, and we fell into a passionate embrace, which segued immediately into a brief and torrid affair. Bette had an enormous sexual appetite in those days” (
137
).

Midler saw it a little differently. According to her at the time, “You call that little thing an affair? He’s such a toad! He has the nerve. . . . he’s such a user. Let me tell you my
Geraldo
story. He’d just come off his Willowbrook thing. He was really hot. He wanted to interview me, but I forget what channel it was for. This was twenty years ago! He came to my house, and he and his producer pushed me into the bathroom and—check it out. I’ll show him—they broke poppers under my nose and started to grope me. I hadn’t even said ‘hello.’ I was completely shocked. Completely stunned. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to behave. I had no idea. Then I recovered from what happened, and when we did the interview he started telling me about Maria Shneider and how he must have jumped on her. This guy was insane. I didn’t know what the hell was going on. . . . What was I supposed to say in front of his camera crew, ‘Get the hell out of my house?’ I don’t remember if he apologized. . . . I had gone on the road, and he called me in Oklahoma, and he wanted to visit me. This is the affair he’s talking about? He came to visit me in Oklahoma? I don’t get it, but a lot of these conquests of his were sort of unwilling. . . . Date rape? No—interview rape! Well, this was no rape. He didn’t rape me, but it was pretty shocking. What a slimeball! I’m really appalled. I can’t believe he’s doing it. This guy must be really desperate. . . . I’m sure he doesn’t give his own measurements. I’ll repeat: You call that
little
thing an affair?” (
40
).

After two incredibly successful albums, Midler fell into a record-sales slump with two LPs, which were largely misunderstood:
Songs for the New Depression
(1976) and
Broken Blossom
(1977).
(Courtesy of Atlantic Records / MJB Photo Archives)

Bette, with co-star Frederic Forrest, in
The Rose
. She longed to become a movie star, and in her first screen role, she received an Academy Award nomination. She played a self-destructive rock star, fashioned after Janis Joplin.
(Courtesy of 20th Century Fox / MJB Photo Archives)

Bette at the opening of
The Rose
, Ziegfeld Theatre, New York City, 1979.
(Courtesy of Charles M. Moniz)

Bette’s most famous group of Harlettes (clockwise): Charlotte Crossley, Ula Hedwig, and Sharon Redd. They became so well-known that they ended up with their own recording contract.
(Courtesy of Columbia Records / MJB Photo Archives)

Bette wears a typewriter hat for a record-breaking 1,500 book–signing appearance in 1980 in New York City.
(Courtesy of Charles M. Moniz)