Between the Lives (9 page)

As I called out goodnight to Mom and headed to my room, I glanced at my watch and shuddered. Two hours until the Shift – and all I had left to do was think about what was waiting for me on the other side.

A
fter I’d had a shower, flipped through the Harvard course guide and even cleaned my room, I still had an hour to go and my hands were trembling. I’d never Shifted knowing that I was going back to a drugged version of myself. The idea terrified me, and once again I had to run to the bathroom and throw my head over the toilet. Peach tart is disturbingly self-preserving.

I don’t know how many times I was sick, only that it was a new record. As the minutes ticked by, my level of franticness built. I had absolutely no way to prepare for what was to come, and no way of controlling it after the Shift.

I hated it at the best of times – Shifting from one life to the next. I’d worked hard over the years to perfect the routines that meant I had to face as little of this panic as possible. This time, even more so than Shifting with Dex’s tongue down my
throat, that one small element of myself I usually had control over had been stolen from me.

I threw up again.

Finally, determined not to Shift back to Wellesley tomorrow night to find myself mid-vomit and over the toilet, I forced myself to my feet and shuffled back to bed. I slid between the sheets just in time to take a series of shaky breaths before midnight struck and I Shifted.

As soon as I was back in my Roxbury body I felt the dead weight. It was like being paralysed while sinking in water. I couldn’t move.

I. Couldn’t. Move
.

My eyes were shut and I couldn’t access the muscles in my body that would open them. I wanted to thrash around, shake myself, slap myself. I wanted to scream. But my mind, completely alert, was imprisoned in an inert, silent chamber of a body. And then, whatever it was that was coursing through my system, the drug that had originally put me under started to catch up with me. No, chase me.

I don’t know how long it took from when I Shifted. Even though it felt like a lifetime, it was probably only seconds before the drug with its cotton wool–like suffocation stole my conscious mind, melting it back into a sedated state.

Just before my mind slipped into oblivion, I thought I felt
a pressure on my hand, as if … as if someone was
holding
it, squeezing tight.

A noise woke me. First my eyes fluttered, then my fingers twitched lethargically. I heard the noise again, and realised it was voices. Slowly my mind cleared. I was in Roxbury, in the clinic. My parents had had me admitted. I’d been sedated. By Ethan.

I opened my eyes to a slit. Everything was blurry, but I could recognise my parents. As my vision sharpened I saw they were talking to two men: Dr Meadows and a man I didn’t know. Then I saw another figure beyond them, leaning against the doorframe. I almost started when I realised it was Ethan. Slumped against the door jamb in his dark jeans and long-sleeved T-shirt, his hair as wayward as ever, he didn’t look like he belonged.

‘It’s up to you, John,’ Dr Meadows said, addressing my father. ‘If you want her transferred to another facility that’s better equipped for this type of thing, I totally understand. Otherwise, she can stay here. Dr Levi has offered his services and he’s one of the best. He stops by on a daily basis to tend to some of the other in-patients – he’s offered to add Sabine to his rounds,’ he explained.

I stayed silent; I knew if they realised I was awake they would take this discussion elsewhere and I needed to hear it.

‘Dr Levi, what do you think we’re dealing with here?’ my father said, as if asking a mechanic about a busted car.

‘I’ll need to spend some time with her to make any formal diagnosis. She’s obviously experienced some kind of mental breakdown. She could be suffering from a number of things: hallucinations, substance abuse, compulsive lying, a personality disorder –’

‘Schizophrenia?’ my father interrupted.

‘It’s possible. We’ve sent her bloods off to be tested. The easiest thing to identify or rule out is a drug problem. We’ll start there.’

‘Christ.’

‘I assure you we’ll take good care of her. The main thing at the moment is to ensure that she doesn’t make another attempt on her life.’

Someone cleared his throat. I opened my eyes a fraction again just as Ethan pushed off the wall. ‘Ah, Dr Levi, I … I’m not so sure that’s what she was doing. She appears to know full well the injuries inflicted were not life threatening. I dressed the wounds myself. They’re nasty, but for someone who is currently on SW she was incredibly careful to avoid major arteries.’

‘She broke her own arm!’ my father roared.

Ethan didn’t seem bothered, which almost made me smile. ‘Again, I’m not sure that’s true.’

I wanted to applaud Ethan and give my father the finger.

Dr Levi chose this moment to intervene. ‘Do you have a suggestion for what we should be looking for, Ethan? Clearly you’ve managed to draw some information from her.’

Ethan was silent for a moment and then he sighed. ‘I don’t know. Like you said, she’s clearly going through some kind of psychological trauma. She was petrified about being restrained last night, with a particular fear of midnight.’

Something inside me sank to hear him analysing me in such a detached way.

‘What I want to know is when she became so disturbed she created an entirely different world.’ Mom spoke up for the first time. She wasn’t crying today. No, she’d pulled herself together the way Mom always did, and now she was on a mission.

‘Different
world
? Sorry?’ Ethan said.

Mom straightened. ‘My daughter believes she lives in an alternate reality. She says she goes there every night. To another
life
!’ she shrieked.

‘Oh my god,’ Ethan whispered. I felt the urge to jump up and tell him it wasn’t like that, but really … it was. They just didn’t realise it didn’t make me delusional.

‘Ethan, you might be of some assistance with this patient,’ Dr Levi said.

My father scoffed. ‘He’s a nurse. He’s hardly equipped to be dealing with this.’

‘Actually, along with his nursing qualifications, Ethan has been studying Psychiatry. He’s one of my star pupils and has a very promising future ahead of –’ Dr Levi stopped mid-sentence before awkwardly starting up again. ‘Establishing a
connection is key in these cases. If Sabine has already formed a bond with Ethan, he may be our best hope of getting her to open up.’

‘Ah, I don’t think … I can’t … No. She needs someone more … someone better,’ Ethan stammered.

‘And I will be here,’ Dr Levi continued as if Ethan hadn’t spoken. ‘I’ll assess her when she wakes up and hold daily sessions with her. But if Dr Meadows does not object, Ethan will be given charge of her during the night shift. It’s not the most conventional method, but it’s possibly the time she might feel the most comfortable opening up.’

Ethan started up again. ‘Dr Levi, I’m not the one to … You know why this is not … Please don’t –’

‘Ethan, what’s the problem? You’re here anyway. May as well keep busy.’ Dr Levi shrugged as if it was all decided.

Before Ethan could object again I rolled over, keeping my eyes closed.

‘She’s starting to wake up,’ Dr Meadows said.

No shit.

‘Here are some of her things,’ Mom said quickly.

‘We’ve checked it all as you requested,’ my father added.

‘Thank you. Would you like to stay and talk to her?’ Dr Meadows asked.

‘Er, no. We have to get back to the drugstore. We’ll stop by in the next day or so,’ he said. I heard their footsteps as they walked towards the door.

‘Very well. I assure you she is in good hands.’

I heard my father stop. When he spoke his voice was low and private. ‘Dr Levi, we’re sure you understand. We work in this industry. It would not do well for too much of this to get out into the medical community … We need to protect our business.’

‘Discretion is a given, John.’ It was the right thing to say, but the reply sounded weary.

‘Well then, let’s keep her here,’ he said firmly.

‘Certainly, John,’ Dr Meadows said. ‘I’ll see you out.’

I waited until I was sure my parents were gone. They hadn’t wanted to talk to me, but the feeling was definitely mutual. I didn’t know if I could ever look at them again.

‘You can open your eyes now,’ came Dr Levi’s voice from beside me.

I looked up at him. He was the only one who’d stayed behind. ‘How did you know?’

He smiled. ‘Years of experience. So, where should we go from here?’

I turned my head to the side and took a few shaky breaths. ‘Am I going to be tied down again?’

‘I hope not. The clinic doesn’t like to use force to achieve its goals. Hopefully you will soon see that. We have four levels here, though you will be confined to the lower two. The second floor is the eating disorders unit; drug and alcohol on the third, and the top floor is long stay and terminal care.’

Wow, fun times.

‘And where am I?’ I didn’t imagine they had a floor for multiple lives.

‘This is the first floor; it caters for both mood disorders and intensive care. For now, you will be confined to your room until you earn privileges.’

‘Privileges?’

He nodded. ‘Once we start working together and you show a willingness to cooperate, we can add privileges to your daily program. Outside time, personal items, television, phone – those kinds of things.’

He checked his watch while I stared at him in horror. Privileges? As in out-frickin-side time? I was in prison!

There was a knock at the door and Ethan came in.

‘I’m off now, but I’ll be back tonight, Levi,’ he said.

‘Thank you, Ethan. Leave a report for me in the morning.’

With a nod he backed out, barely glancing in my direction before closing the door. I don’t know why it vexed me, but it did.

Dr Levi turned back to me. ‘Right, well, I have rounds to make. We’ll meet every day at 10 a.m., starting today. The nurse will bring you to my office. Do you have any questions?’

I pressed my lips together to stop from crying. When I had myself under control I ventured, ‘My parents said they brought some stuff?’

He pointed to the small bag on the floor. ‘These items have been approved, along with the clothes you were wearing when they brought you in. They’ve been washed and placed in your cupboard.’

I swallowed. ‘Is there a bathroom?’

‘Yes, but you will be escorted there for now. You’ve been allocated a day nurse who will assist you.’

He saw the tears welling in my eyes and sighed. ‘Sabine, it will get easier. Things seem at their worst right now, but we are going to help you find the clarity you need.’

Clarity? Right. By sedating me, tying me up and not letting me go to the bathroom on my own? Things really couldn’t be clearer.

Instead of arguing, I turned my head towards the wall. He’d never get it, and I had no intention of trying to explain
anything
to him.

I
didn’t walk into Dr Levi’s office expecting reclining armchairs and mahogany bookshelves, but I definitely hadn’t envisaged a white-walled room – empty apart from two cheap-looking cane chairs, two cardboard boxes positioned as footstools and a large dartboard hanging on the far wall.

My day nurse, who’d collected me from my prison cell, was the same woman who’d come to my house the previous day. She was still wearing too much blush and was smaller than I remembered. Perhaps holding a syringe added height. She ushered me into Dr Levi’s office, holding the door open for me.

‘The doctor will be here in a moment. I’ll be outside when your appointment is over to take you back to your room,’ she explained.

I gave her a look that wasn’t pretty. She ignored it and shut me in the room. I didn’t bother checking the door after she
left – I knew it would either be locked, or she’d be waiting on the other side. Instead, I pulled one of the rickety cane chairs to the window and took a seat facing into the sun. It was a strategic move. I wasn’t about to sit facing Dr Levi so he could control the appointment, or me. I had attitude in this life and I’d been forgetting that. I needed to remember who I was here. With that in mind, I leaned back, slung my feet up onto the windowsill and closed my eyes.

The sun’s heat was just starting to seep into my bones when the door opened and Dr Levi walked in. I didn’t so much as flinch, just kept my face towards the window.

‘I see you found my office,’ he said, moving through the room.

I shrugged, but otherwise held position. ‘Budget cuts, huh?’

He gave a small laugh. ‘I just like it this way. Keeps the focus on the right things.’

‘What’s that? Room echo?’

‘Not exactly.’ I heard the other chair creak as he sat down. ‘What do you think should be the focus in this room?’

Here we go.

I decided this was as good a cut-off point as any. I folded my arms across my chest.

After a stretch of silence, Dr Levi sighed. ‘All right then, Sabine. I take it you’re not in the mood to chat today.’

It was something he was going to have to get used to.

‘Would you like to tell me about your other life, Sabine? I’d like to hear about it. Anything you say in this room will remain between us.’

Yeah, right. I could just see it all panning out, where it would end. Me tied to the bed again. Not going to happen.

I had to give Dr Levi credit – he didn’t seem surprised. I heard him get out of his cane chair and then a whooshing sound followed by a thud. I forced myself not to look. Was he seriously going to play darts for the whole hour?

Yep. That’s exactly what he did.

And for my part, I stayed in place by the window. It wasn’t until the whizzing sounds stopped that I cracked open an eye to glance in his direction.

‘Perhaps tomorrow we can talk,’ he said, throwing the loose darts onto his chair. He smiled. ‘Or maybe you’d like to try your luck against me at darts.’

When I didn’t respond, he shrugged. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow, Sabine. Ethan will be stopping by to see you this evening. Do you have any objections to him passing on his notes to me?’

Silence.

Dr Levi clicked his pen a couple of times. ‘I’m sorry, Sabine, but this is one question I will need an answer to before you leave the room.’

I closed my eyes again, wanting the appointment over with. ‘I don’t care what he tells you,’ I mumbled.

He scribbled something on the otherwise untouched page of his clipboard and opened the door. ‘Macie, can you please see Sabine back to her room?’

‘Of course, Dr Levi,’ Macie responded, walking up to me. ‘Sabine, let’s go.’

I drew in one last sun-warmed breath and stood up to follow her.

As we walked down the hall, she watched me carefully, as if half expecting me to bolt. Honestly – I considered it.

‘An early lunch will be delivered to your room. Would you like to use the bathroom before you go back?’ she asked in a flat tone.

I sighed, but said, ‘Sure.’

The bathroom reminded me of the one in our gym at school. Open shower cubicles and a row of toilets. I headed straight for a toilet cubicle.

‘You’ll need to leave the door unlocked,’ Macie said, positioning herself by the sinks.

I stared at her.

‘You can pull the door closed,’ she explained. ‘But if I feel the need, I will open it at any time. Until you are off SW, no locks. It’s the rules.’

I gritted my teeth and went into the cubicle. It was utterly humiliating to have someone waiting right outside the door who could, at any time, decide to ‘open sesame’. Needless to say, it was a speedy toilet trip.

Macie walked me back to my room, returning when my lunch was delivered to watch me eat every mouthful of my sandwich. By the time she had checked the tray to make sure I hadn’t palmed the plastic wrap – probably in case I had some grand suffocation plan – I was seething. This should not have been happening to me.

‘It gets easier,’ Macie offered, her expression softening slightly.

I didn’t respond.

‘Room checks are on the hour during the day and randomly at night,’ she said as a parting comment.

Great.

Once alone, I sorted through the small bag of belongings my parents had left. I almost laughed at the clothes they’d chosen. Not a single one of my favourite minis. My old stuffed bear was in the mix, my pillow, a ten-dollar bill with a Post-it note that said ‘vending machine money’, and – surprise, surprise – my new notebook.

Stunned, I opened the book, not sure what to expect. It was blank. The pages I’d already written on had been ripped out. Anger reaching overload, I threw the book at the wall.

Nice one, Mom.

There was a quick rap on the door. It opened a fraction and Macie’s head popped through the gap. ‘All okay?’

I collected the book from the floor. ‘Fine. Do you have a pen?’ I asked.

She paused. ‘No pens, but I can bring you a marker.’

I nodded. ‘Thanks.’

When Macie returned with the marker she informed me that dinner would be at 5.30 p.m.

‘What? No one eats dinner that early!’ I argued. Were they kidding?

Macie just shrugged and left.

For the millionth time, I had to hold back the urge to scream. I sat on the edge of the bed and stared at my notebook, marker in hand. I needed to regroup. But where did I go from here? Being locked up had not been part of the plan.

Hours drifted by, but the page in front of me remained blank and my frustration only intensified.

Eventually I gave up and decided to change out of my hospital gown.

I glanced at the clothes my parents had sent and decided to stick with the outfit I’d been wearing when they brought me in. As I yanked my skirt off the top of the pile, something fell to the floor.

I crouched down and picked up my silver butterfly necklace. Hands shaking, I glanced at the door. It hadn’t been that long since the last room check, so I dared to unscrew the top.

Mouth agape, I stared at the ground-up Digoxin and almost laughed. Of all the things to allow in this room with me, somehow
this
had slipped through. I replaced the top on
the butterfly and dangled it from my hand, trying to figure out why they hadn’t confiscated it. Maybe they’d decided the dainty chain was barely strong enough to hold the butterfly, let alone cause any damage. And what could one really do to hurt themselves with a butterfly pendant?

I put the necklace around my neck, tucking it beneath my T-shirt, and finished getting dressed just before Macie came back.

‘Are you ready to go to dinner?’

I nodded and followed her to the food hall, my hand going often to the butterfly beneath my shirt. Finally I felt empowered again. Finally I had the chance to follow this through – to find out one way or the other if there was a choice ahead for me.

Dinner was much like lunch, just in a large, empty cafeteria. I now understood why I was eating so early. Apparently I couldn’t be trusted in company yet. Macie told me that I would integrate over the next day or so. I could barely wait.

After forcing down a few mouthfuls of rubbery lasagne, I grabbed a banana and a carton of milk. What I really wanted was a Coke, but there were only three drink options: water, milk or orange juice.

On our way out of the cafeteria, I grabbed a bottle of water and gestured to Macie. ‘Can I take this back to my room?’

She nodded. ‘That should be fine.’

‘You sure about that? I mean, I could always try to drown
myself in the bottle. You know, get all Alice-in-Wonderland tiny and leap right in,’ I sniped.

Macie raised an eyebrow. ‘Would you like me to reconsider?’

‘No, I’m just helping you look at all the angles.’ I smiled. It was probably stupid, since I really did want the bottle of water, but I couldn’t help myself. Luckily Macie took the higher ground and ignored me.

When we got back to my room, two guys were rummaging through it. One was looking under my bed. The other was actually on a ladder, searching the ceiling cavities. I recognised the one on the ladder as Mitch, the guy I’d kicked in the nose. When he saw me, his eyes narrowed.

‘You’ll have to sit in the chair until we’ve finished.’

My mouth dropped open as the other guy upended my bag and began spreading out my underwear.

‘What? Why? You can’t …’ I shot a look at Macie. ‘You’ve basically been with me all day! What do you expect to find?’

Macie’s face was expressionless. ‘Sit in the chair, Sabine. It’s protocol.’

My hand flew in the air. ‘You have to be kidding me. He
needs a
ladder
to get up there – how the hell do you think I’ve been up there hiding things?’

‘Sit,’ she ordered.

I stared daggers at her. Macie simply returned my gaze, as if daring me to say anything else.

I stomped over to the chair, my hands wringing the bottle of water as I watched them rifle through my few measly belongings. They searched every corner, stripped my bed, overturned the mattress then inspected it for any tampering before putting it right and remaking it. Then all eyes turned to me.

‘Sabine, you need to stand up now,’ Mitch said. I eyed his black-and-blue nose. I’d gotten him good and it made me feel a little better. He glanced at Macie. ‘You’ll need to pat her down, Mace.’ I noticed his tone changed considerably when he spoke to her.

Macie nodded, sending him a smile before turning back to me. ‘It’ll only take a second. Stand with your legs apart and arms out.’

I stood up and crossed my arms. ‘And if I don’t?’

She shot Mitch a look. She seemed to see past his swollen nose to something more. Can’t imagine what; he gave me the creeps. ‘Then we’ll have to sedate you again. It’s for your own safety.’

Mitch looked smug. His ego was bruised and he was gunning for a second round with me. It was that, along with the fear of being put under again, that finally made me reluctantly move my feet apart, place my arms wide and let Macie pat me down.

Nothing.

She didn’t even spare a glance for the silver butterfly
around my neck. Now I was the one hiding the smug smile. Not my fault if they’re sloppy.

Macie stepped back. ‘Okay, all clear, Sabine. I’ll see you tomorrow.’

‘Can I use a phone?’

‘Phone privileges come from Dr Levi. You can ask him tomorrow.’

Of course they did. Even criminals were permitted one phone call.

The male nurses filed out.

‘Are you locking me in?’

Macie’s sympathetic smile didn’t fool me. ‘No, but it’s lights out soon and you’re not permitted to leave your room without an escort. Trust me when I say it’s not worth breaking the rules. Do you understand?’

‘And I thought you said things were going to get easier.’ I threw her my own false smile.

‘They will. You just have to work with us instead of against us. Believe it or not, we’re doing what’s best for you.’

Deflated, I sat on the edge of the bed and gnawed at my lip. ‘What about a clock? Is there any way to get a clock in my room?’

Macie shrugged and headed out of the room with a casual, ‘We can look into it tomorrow.’

‘What time is it?’ I called out, now panicked.

‘Almost seven,’ she answered, and the door clicked shut.