Bewitched by Bella's Brother (18 page)

“Why don’t you ask him?” Deirdre asked kindly.

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“Did begging you do any good, Dee Dee?” Asa’s voice

was as it had always been. Kind, quiet, grave. Why did that dark, sweet bass seem to be ripping razorblades through the center of Sebastian’s chest?

“I was damaged.”

“Yeah—but I can’t help but think… you must have felt

so trapped. If drugs were your way out, you must not have felt like there was anything better….”

“That’s
my
fault!” Sebastian finally gave in and admitted that her laugh was more than good: it was stunning. He

remembered the look on Jordan’s face as she had left the last time and figured sickly that it must have been that moment which prompted this turnaround—and that laugh,

sad and self-aware—was the result.

It hurt, not hating her. It really, really hurt.

“It was my fault too…,” Asa was saying, but Deirdre

interrupted.

“No. This much I know. You offered me the world, Asa.

You offered to move, you told me to take classes, you

suggested careers. Feeling trapped, feeling helpless—that was all me. If you’re letting this m… an”—that hesitation was the only sign that this had been difficult for her to accept—

and good for her—“if you’re letting this new relationship walk out of your house because you’re afraid of trapping him, don’t be.”

“That’s only part of it,” Asa said quietly. “He’s smart, Deirdre; he’s got a whole future at his fingertips, if only he’d decide on it. I’m older. I’ve got a family. I love it. I wouldn’t change it. But if he’s not at that place in his life yet, I can’t force him to be. No matter how badly I want him to stay.”

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Sebastian’s breath stopped again. His breath stopped

and his vision blackened and he found himself reeling away from the wall, dropping the big hollow plastic tube and

hanging his head between his knees.

No matter how badly I want him to stay.

Asa had never hidden that he wanted Sebastian to stay,

but he had always seemed so accepting, so quietly resigned.

That passion in his voice had been bottled up, tamped down, hidden away where it couldn’t grab Sebastian, wrap him in powerful manacles and chain him here, to this place, to this life he’d come to love.

Sebastian didn’t hear Deirdre leave, and he didn’t hear

Asa follow her. He knew that when Bella came in to see why he hadn’t buzzed out of the library as soon as Asa had

walked his ex-wife outside, she found him sitting on the lush shag area rug, leaning his cheek against his knees.

“Sebastian….”

He looked up at her, knowing his face was hot and

streaked with tears.

“Sebastian?” she asked softly, coming to sit by him.

“What’s the matter?”

“It’s just another degree,” he said softly. “I mean, I’m getting another doctorate; I’m not breaking a home. I’m not…

abandoning a baby. I’m not… I’m just getting another

degree.”

Bella’s mouth twisted up wryly, and she sat down next

to him and put her arm around his shoulders. “I know.”

“We had a plan.”

“I know we did.”

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“And… I mean, I’ve been in love before.” His voice

started to rise hysterically, and her calm counter-voice was the only thing that kept him sane.

“Not like this.”

“What’s different about this?” he demanded, and he

knew her answer before she said it.

“You’re a grownup this time, Sebastian.”

“Oh Christ.” He put his face against his knees and a

fresh batch of tears washed forward and shook him on their way out.

“Remember—hon, do you remember what you said,

when we decided to go to Washington and just keep doing

this? Do you remember?”

Something new tore loose in his chest, and he had

trouble answering. “I said ‘It beats the hell out of growing up.’”

“Yeah.” There was a silence, and he knew what was

coming. He’d known for a month. “Sebastian?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m ready to grow up now.”

Christ. “I know you are, sweetheart.”

Her voice was breaking, too, and it was completely

shattered by the time she finished. “Baby?”

“Don’t say it,” he begged. He knew. Oh God, he knew.

But when she said it, it would be real.

“I’m not coming with you,” she managed, and he

wrapped his arm around her and pulled her closer.

“I know,” he managed, and that’s all they said for a

while.

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Asa came back in and found them, sitting on the floor,

looking like a bomb had gone off. He said, “Dee Dee’s coming to dinner next week. Sebastian, I’d like you to be there.”

Sebastian looked up at him and saw the sympathetic tilt

to his head, the quirk to his mouth, that told him that Asa knew. Asa knew what was wrong, Asa knew why he and

Bella both looked like hell. Jesus. There wasn’t a thing about Sebastian that Asa didn’t know by now.

“Yeah,” he said after a moment, trying to keep his voice clear. Failing. “If she’s going to be part of the big J’s holidays, I need to get to know her.”

Asa walked forward, leveraged his big, broad body down

on Sebastian’s other side, and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, clasping hands with Bella. Suddenly, what had once been a panic-cry had turned into a group hug.

“Good,” he said. He didn’t need to say the rest. A

commitment to holidays—it was a step up for Sebastian.

They all knew it.

He was the only one who had to know it felt like a firstrate cop-out, wasn’t he?

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THE night before Sebastian left, Bella took Jordan to her parents so they could, according to Bella’s lame-assed

excuse, wake up early to prepare a big breakfast for

Sebastian before he left.

“If we don’t cook Sebastian breakfast, does that mean

he’ll stay?” Jordan asked plaintively, and Sebastian longed desperately for a brick to drop on his own head. It would hurt less, that was for damned sure.

“No, J,” Sebastian told him kindly. “But it means I’ll

remember you all mad at me before I come back for

Thanksgiving, and I’d rather remember you all happy so I’m happy to come back, ’kay?”

Jordan nodded bravely. “Okay.” His lower lip thrust out

and quivered, and Sebastian ruffled his hair before he got into the car with Bella. “Are you sure you have to go,

Sebastian?”

Sebastian didn’t answer him; he just did the boy’s belt

and shut the door safely and ran into the house and up to his room so Asa didn’t have to see him come unglued.

He already knew he was going to cry his way to

Spokane. There was just no way he was going to drive away from this family, from this man, and not feel like he left his heart back here, in this amazing house, stuck to a grappling hook and dripping pain.

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Asa found him there a little while later, sitting on his bed, staring sightlessly forward. Asa didn’t say anything—

not a word. Just sat down next to him and wrapped that big, safe arm over Sebastian’s shoulders, letting him lean on Asa’s solid strength.

“You’re coming back on Thanksgiving,” he said quietly

in reassurance.

“You shouldn’t wait for me.”

“And Christmas.”

“I said….”

“And next summer.”

“That’s not fair to you.”

“You’re coming to this house, aren’t you?”

Oh shit. Of course he was. “Yeah.”

“Your last lover was a year ago, Sebastian; I don’t think you’re going to go paint the rainbow over Spokane. Were you planning to?”

Oh God. Take another lover after this? Take another

lover when he knew this place was here and Asa loved him?

“No.”

“Then I’ll be here.”

“But I’m like Scotty—I’m your rebound guy!” he

protested, terrified this was the truth.

“Who’s Scotty?”

“The rebound guy,” Sebastian thought he’d explained

already. “He’s the guy you go out with to get over the guy you really cared about, so you know you can date again and it’ll all be fine. You needed to get over Deirdre, and be all gay because that was new, and you found me, and now you get

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works at Starbucks who’s really nice and everything but you need someone a little more solid in your life. So I was good for a summer, but not for forever because I’m going to God-knows-where and I’ve got to be a certified asshole to just ditch you, kid and sister and all, and why would you want to wait for me….”

“Shhh….”

Sebastian had known the kiss was coming, but he

hadn’t expected it to be devastatingly hungry. His words all scattered, and he opened his mouth in complete submission, for once, to someone who knew better. He would just have to trust, he thought muzzily. Asa’s mouth kept moving on his and Asa’s hands were under his shirt and they felt so
good
on his tender stomach, the soft skin of his chest, his buzzing nipples, and he would just have to trust their bodies, bare and naked and moving together when every tickle of nerve endings was highest sorcery. Sebastian would have to trust that Asa meant it. That, for a while, at least, it was not goodbye. That this wonderful, fabulous offer would still stand, until Sebastian figured out what in the fuck he was doing with his life.

The morning came much too soon, and Sebastian lay

still in Asa’s arms as the sun peeked through a morning sky of such a thick blue it could almost be cut like frosting.

His body was… was used. There had been nothing

between them the night before except goodbye. Asa’s spend was sticky between his backside and on his thighs, and

Asa’s smell—his kisses, his touch, the faint, spicy smell of his soap, and the dark, sharp smell of his come—was written all over Sebastian’s body. Every nook, cranny, and orifice of Sebastian had been claimed.

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No. He was not going to paint the rainbow over

Spokane. His skin had been marked with the smell of his

lover, and he was not going to shake that—not in a month, or two, or four. Not in a year. Maybe not even in forever, if only he’d believe.

He turned in Asa’s arms and found that Asa was awake,

too, just looking at him. For a moment, Sebastian ran

delicate fingertips over Asa’s oval face with the square jaw. In the sunlight, he could see the fine lines in the corner of Asa’s ocean blue eyes, and the grooves that worked their way into a man’s mouth when he held it at grave attention more often than not.

Sebastian swallowed hard.

“What are you thinking?” Asa asked, his voice rumbling

through his chest, and, therefore, through Sebastian’s.

“I’m thinking that you need someone in your life that

can make these smile lines.”

“I already do. He just needs to come home for break.”

Breakfast was a depressing affair. All of the Brynes

turned out, and while the adults were cheerful and hellbent on wishing Sebastian good fortune in his studies, the

children clung to him like they would to a favorite teddy bear or a pet, and he gave them hugs and reassurance that it

would only be until Thanksgiving, and that he’d definitely be there for Christmas and it was nothing to cry about, really, sweetie—Sebastian wasn’t going forever.

Where was that brick again?

Jordan hung back from the maddening throng of the

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were lingering over coffee, and Brenda blew off Sebastian’s offer to help with a quick nod of her chin.

“Go talk to them,” she murmured. “If you think Asa’s

not breaking his heart right now, you haven’t been paying attention.”

Sebastian blushed. “Uhm, I’m nothing to….”

“Don’t lie to me, boy.” Her face was kind. “My son has

never lied to me—and until this moment, you’ve never

thought of it, have you?”

That blush got worse. “I’m going to miss him so bad,” he said, voicing what everybody knew but he hadn’t yet said.

Brenda put her arm around his waist and kissed his cheek.

“We’ll miss you too. Now go say goodbye so you can

come back, okay?”

Sebastian nodded. “Yes ma’am.” And then she used her

thumbs to wipe his cheeks.

“Don’t do that, sweetheart, or you’ll never get that tiny car to Spokane, okay?”

The farewell to Asa was… well, he had spent the entire

summer learning to listen. He had learned to sit quietly through Asa’s thoughtful silences and Jordan’s absorbed

ones. He had learned that sometimes, watching someone

work or standing beside them, looking at stars or at bugs or at a sunset, was far more communicative than the eternal babble that sprung from his own wayward tongue.

These were big lessons, and as he walked up to Jordan

and Asa, he thought that they had not only taught him how to listen to the silences in his own heart, but how to keep going when it was screaming.

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Jordan lay on his stomach across a rock to look in a

crevice, and Asa sat on the rock next to him. As Sebastian approached, Asa met his eyes and rubbed a big, comforting hand on his son’s back.

After a few moments of quiet, Sebastian said, “What did