Beyond Hope's Valley: A Big Sky Novel (18 page)

"They're good people, Christian people. I learned a lot from them. I've learned about God in new ways."

The room was so silent she could hear Mrs. Over's dog lapping up water in the next room.

"Learned about God from the
Englisch?
" Mrs. Troyer's voice rose in pitch. "I have never heard of such a thing."

"Maybe you should spend time with some Englisch. I learned more about what a personal relationship with Jesus means. I learned it's more important to accept Him into your heart and life than it is dressing a certain way." She thought of Ben. "In fact, the faith of some of my new friends inspired me. One of the greatest things I learned was the importance of reading the Bible for myself."

Mrs. Schmucker's, the bishop's wife's, voice fell to a disdainful purr. "Don't you think it's prideful to say you know a better way?"

"I understand the importance of not being prideful, really I do, but being a Christian woman, don't you think you should read the Bible for yourself? If God took the time to have His message to us written down, do not you believe we should read it? That's all I'm saying, really."

Mrs. Schmucker's eyes widened. "You're judging me, and more than that, disrespecting a bishop's wife!" She rose, moving away from the quilt and turning her back on Marianna. "I don't know how you think there's a place for yourself in this community. And if you do stay, your confession will be long."

Marianna looked at her hands. "I believe that would be true of all of us if the impurities of our hearts were known."

Gasps erupted around the room.

What had she done?

A hollow sensation filled her. She grew hot, unable to breathe. Surely it wasn't her they were talking about. And certainly she didn't answer as she had.

Fear coursed through Marianna's chest. She covered her lips with a trembling hand, and then stood, straightening her shoulders muscle by muscle, her eyes never leaving Mrs. Schmucker's face. "I'm sorry, please forgive me. I do not wish for you to believe those words were directed to you." She swallowed back tears. "I know in my own heart there are struggles I need to bring before God. Each of us has struggles."

"Speak for yourself." Mrs. Troyer crossed her arms over her waist. "Some of us know how to be more self-controlled in our word and deed."

"
Ja
, I am sorry. I best be going." She turned to Mrs. Over. "Denke for inviting me. I'm sorry to ruin your afternoon."

Lynn Over nodded, but didn't speak.

"If you take the buggy, I'll ride home with one of my friends." Aunt Ida's voice was no stronger than a squeak of a mouse. Marianna looked to her aunt's face and then scanned the room. The women in the room had pity for her aunt.

Pity that poor Ida Sommer should have such a misguided and rebellious niece.

"Thank you, Aunt Ida. I'm sorry for the trouble." Marianna stood and hurried out of the room, out of the house. Tears blurred her eyes as she rushed to the buggy.

Nothing would ever be right again.

The beautiful spring day had mocked her on her buggy ride home. Now Marianna sat heavy on the couch. Why had Aunt Ida's friends treated her so? They'd always taken so kindly to her. They'd been Mem's friends too. She'd known them since she was a child. When had things changed?

Maybe they hadn't changed. Perhaps it was her changes they despised so.

"God, I want to know You more. I want others to know You—know Your Word as I'm jest starting to."

A hint of peace calmed the emotions whirlpooling in her heart, and she tucked her stockinged feet under her. Marianna crossed her arms over her chest, pulling them tight, and then leaned forward, elbows on knees, staring at the untilled field out the window. Would things continue this way even after she married Aaron? She supposed if she tried to share the importance of the Bible and reading God's Word for oneself that they would. She supposed if she returned to the young woman with no interests other than her home and no convictions beyond the Ordnung that over time they'd once again welcome her back into their fold.

"The more like them I am, the more I'll be accepted," she muttered to herself. "If I model myself in their image rather than the image of Jesus Christ . . ." she let her voice trail off.

Not able to sit in the quiet house any longer, Marianna adjusted her kapp and headed outside for a walk. As she got to the door she nearly turned around, looking for Trapper to follow. Her chin quivered thinking about how far away her dog was—how far aware those were who really cared.

She hurried down the steps and then headed toward the orchard once again. She'd spent simple days there, playing with her brothers and friends without a care in the world. She walked past the orchard and found the small valley that separated Aunt Ida's place from the neighboring farm. Marianna walked down the sloping hill and into what some would consider a gulch. The ground was soft and in shady spots patches of snow still clung. At that moment she wished it were May, not March, and that wildflowers were scattered across the fields. Their spots of colors would have given her hope. Even after hard winters, the most delicate wildflowers reemerged.

Marianna continued on, knowing that no one could see her in this place from the gravel road. And isn't that what valleys in one's life were—a time when one felt unnoticed, unloved?

She lifted her eyes to the sky, hoping for warm sun. Instead, she noticed gray clouds drifting across the plains.

Maybe she should hitch up the buggy again, go to see Aaron. They saw each other three days a week at least. Usually he came to Aunt Ida's house for dinner and they'd talk until his yawns overwhelmed their conversations. Yet what would he tell her? Would he be upset that she'd caused such a stir?

She lowered her head and kicked at a clump of dirt, then allowed a sad smile. She wouldn't be surprised if he showed up at her house instead. It wouldn't take long for word to get around on what she'd done. Who knows, Mrs. Zook could already have alerted him.

The first drop of rain hit her on her cheek, but Marianna barely noticed. When had everything gone so wrong? For a moment she considered what things would be like if Levi hadn't written her. Would Aaron have stayed in Montana? Would they still have plans for getting married?

She thought about going back, but she knew that wasn't the answer. Naomi had another few months of pregnancy yet, and she'd already committed to staying until the baby was born.

Wait.

The word came as a gentle whisper. It's wasn't an audible voice, but more like a stirring in her heart. She didn't know what she was supposed to wait for, but she did know she wasn't supposed to run.

More raindrops fell, and Marianna turned back to Aunt Ida's house. She needed to apologize to her aunt—really apologize. She also needed to figure out how to live this life she'd chosen. She couldn't spend the rest of her life knowing she should live one way but conforming to another. She needed to find her way out of the gulch—the valley—she found herself in.

Marianna hurried up the front porch steps and peered through the screen door. She hoped Aunt Ida was still at the quilt circle, but she was not in luck. The older woman was seated at the long wooden table writing a letter. Her aunt paused as Marianna opened the door and entered. Aunt Ida glanced up under lowered eyebrows, and Marianna guessed the letter was about her. When Aunt Ida slid it between the pages of the dictionary, she knew it was.

Aunt Ida stared at the rain outside. "I see it started putten down."

Marianna nodded and crossed her arms over her chest. "
Ja
, just a sprinkling of rain."

Aunt Ida continued looking at the water falling from the sky as if it was the most fascinating thing in the world.

"I'm sorry, Aunt Ida." Marianna approached and sat across from her.

"I know. It's your father's fault. For making you go."

Marianna opened her mouth to explain that moving to Montana wasn't a bad thing, but she knew it would fall on deaf ears.

"I'll make dinner tonight if you'd like." Marianna rose and moved to the kitchen. "I can use the rest of that ham and—"

"No need. I ate plenty at the sewing circle."

Marianna headed to her room.
Where should I go? What should I do?
There were evening chores—she would do that. But tomorrow? What did she have to look forward to then?

It's not about what I want. It's about my commitments,
she reminded herself. To Naomi and Levi, to Aaron, to God.

For somehow in the valley she knew what He was asking her to do. To look to Him. To wait. She didn't know why, but did that matter? In the Amish community she'd grown up learning her life wasn't her own. There was no time she understood better than at the present.

She just wished she had even the smallest sense of hope that everything would work out in the end.

Dear Journal,

I'm sorry I've been neglecting writing within your pages. It's not that there hasn't been a lot on my mind. It's more that I'm afraid to commit my words to paper. If I tell the truth of what's going on inside me—what I'm thinking about, dreaming about, wishing for—then my words could be found by someone I love and hurt him deeply.

It's not that I'm meaning to hurt no one. It's more that my mind's having a hard time forgetting what I left behind. Who I left behind.

My focus needs to be on what I have in this place. I found a special spot today by a leafless tree and I felt God speaking to my heart. If God can speak to me in that spot, He can speak to me anywhere. I learned that in a new way. And if anything . . . that's worth jotting down.

A
aron looked up at Marianna's window as he strode up to Ida's house. Work had taken him longer than he'd expected, but as soon as he heard Mem and Dat talking about what had happened at the sewing circle, he knew he had no choice but to head over.

He needed to talk to Marianna.

Having been in Montana himself, he understood where she was coming from, but Marianna had to know that if she continued with her words—with her attitude—that she wasn't just going to make things hard for herself, but for him. With Naomi's pregnancy now evident, folks were already talking about Marianna's family. He just hated to see it go any farther than it already had.