Beyond Repair (28 page)

Chris followed me around as I packed, asking if he could help, but there was really nothing for him to do. When his phone rang, I told him to answer it, even though he didn’t want to. He’d focused so much on Mia and me lately that I didn’t want him to miss any important calls having to do with work or something.

I zipped my bag shut and sat on my bed, letting my head fall into my hands. I had been doing a good job of being thankful and positive over the past week, but now I was scared. Yes, everything should go well with the surgery. It should get rid of all the cancer, giving Mia the opportunity to live a long, healthy life.

But what if it didn’t? What if I lost her? What would I do? What if something went horribly wrong and she felt a ton of pain? What if she woke up in the middle of the procedure? My poor little girl had cancer and had to have surgery, and I was
so
worried and scared for her.

I took deep, even breaths, just as I used to do to calm myself down when I’d have panic attacks. Funny, I hadn’t had any lately. I’d had some panicked moments throughout Mia’s diagnostic process, but it was different from what had happened when I thought I had seen Pierce. It was more a rational fear. The imaginary Pierce sightings were irrational because it was never him. It was stupid of me to let myself get so worked up over nothing when there were real things to worry about.

The next breath I took was of soap, rain, cinnamon Altoids, and sawdust. I could feel Chris’s warm body next to me. I leaned against him, craving for him to hold me and tell me that everything would be okay.

He didn’t disappoint. In the next second, I was on his lap and he was muttering calming words in my ear. After a few moments, I felt better enough to get up and continue with the evening before Mia’s surgery.

“Thanks, Chris.” I had already stood up, but he was still sitting on the bed, holding my hand.

“Where are you going?”

“I have to do something. Like I should clean. The top of the refrigerator is probably really gross. I haven’t dusted up there in forever. Now that I think about it, I should really take everything out of the fridge and clean the shelves. And I should vacuum, but that might wake Mia up. Maybe I’ll just sweep the kitchen floor and mop it. And then I’ll make Jell-O. Mia likes that a lot, so when she comes home it’ll be here—”

“Brooke, calm down. It’s almost ten o’clock and you have to be at the hospital at six thirty tomorrow morning. You don’t need to clean.”

“Yes, I do. That stuff really needs to get done—”

“No, baby. You need to sleep.”

Ugh, I knew he was right. I just didn’t want to stay still. Sitting back down, I said, “Distract me. Talk to me about something.”

He looked at our hands, rubbing mine with his fingers as he talked. “Um … it was my realtor on the phone. I got the house I wanted.”

“Really? That’s great.”

“Thanks. I’m happy. I’m really excited for this one.”

“So are you going to order all of that stuff we picked out?”

“Yeah, after I go check everything out and measure.”

I looked down at my lap. “Chris?”

“Yeah?”

“I heard you and Mia talking last week. About being her dad.”

He stopped rubbing my hand. “You heard that, huh?”

“Yeah, sorry. I didn’t want to say anything earlier.”

“What do you think about … that?”

“I know you love us.”

“More than anything.”

“You’re here for the long haul.”

“I am.”

“You stuck by us throughout this disease. All of the tests, surgery, everything. You helped me tell her about it.”

“Of course I did. How could I not?”

I finally looked at him. “Sounds like a father to me.”

Emotion overtook his face, and he pulled me into him. “I feel like one,” he said softly.

I wrapped my arms as tightly around him as I could, and we just held each other for a moment.

Chris pulled away and kissed my forehead. “Let’s go to bed. Our girl has a big day tomorrow.”

* * *

We arrived at the hospital early, and they brought us to the room where Mia would be staying so we could drop off our bags. “Wow, Mia. Check out where we get to have our sleepover.”

She looked around, her glance stopping at some kind of monitor in the corner of the room.

Chris followed her gaze. “Hey, look at what your bed does!” He pushed a button that made the bed rise.

She laughed. “That’s funny.” She jumped on the bed and pushed the buttons for a minute but then stopped. “Mom, you’re sleeping in here too, right?” She looked around nervously.

I pointed to an armchair in the corner. “See that? It turns into a bed for me.” I hugged her. “I’m not going anywhere, don’t you worry.”

“Okay.” She sighed. “You can’t come with me to the special room I get my surgery in, though?”

“No, I’m sorry.” I wanted to hug Mia tighter, but that would crush her. I played with her hair instead. “But I’m going to sit in another room called a waiting room. And Chris will be there, and Grandma, Grandpa, Zoey, and Kyle!”

Mia’s eyes lit up as I listed the names off to her. “Wow! Lots of people.”

“Yes because everyone loves you and they’re so proud of you for being brave.” I kissed the top of her head. “And they’ll all come here to see you soon.”

Chris put his hand on my shoulder. “I texted everyone the room number. They’re on their way.”

“Great. So while we’re waiting—”

A brisk knock made me stop talking and a candy striper stuck her head in. “Mia Griffin?”

“That’s me!” Mia said.

The candy striper smiled at her. “Look, you got balloons!” She walked in with a huge bunch of purple, pink, and white balloons, with three big princess ones sticking out of the top.

“Wow!” she said, looking up at them with her mouth hanging open.

“Thanks,” I said to the candy striper as I signed the clipboard she passed to me and checked off ‘received.’

“You are so lucky, Mia!” I leaned forward, searching for a card but not finding one. “I wonder who they’re from?” I looked up at Chris.

His face was red.
Of course.

“Sweetie, they’re from Chris. What do you say?”

She ran over and hugged him. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

He hugged her back. “You’re welcome.”

I was about to tell him that he didn’t need to keep buying her stuff, but since she was so happy and he looked so proud watching her, I kept my mouth shut. She was having surgery today. It was not the time to worry about spoiling her, especially when I’d been bribing her all week.

My parents, Zoey, and Kyle came a minute later, and we spent the next half hour talking and trying to distract Mia from her surgery. It worked. She didn’t seem nervous at all. But then a nurse came in, and the mood shifted to serious. Everyone left but Chris, Mia, and me.

“We’re going to be taking Mia down to surgery in a couple of minutes. Here’s a gown for her to change into. The two of you will be able to walk to the operating room doors with her, and then you can wait in the waiting room down the hall.”

I nodded, the dread sitting like a rock in my stomach. But I went through the motions of helping her get into the gown, and the three of us sat on the bed together, waiting.

“I love you, Mia,” I said. “I’m so proud of you for being brave.”

“I love you, too,” Chris told her.

“I know.” She looked down at the hospital gown she was wearing. “This dress is ugly.”

I laughed. “It’s just for today.” I hugged her to me and leaned against Chris as he wrapped his arms around both of us.

“I love both of you, too,” Mia said.

I wished we were at home, sitting on the couch. I wished Mia was healthy and that she didn’t have to have anything done. I wished I could freeze time and stay with my little family forever.

But the reality was that Mia had cancer, so I pushed my stupid wishes away and tried to ignore the fear creeping through me. Instead, I focused on how much I loved her and how she’d get through this surgery.

The nurse returned with Dr. Belaire, the endocrine surgeon we had met the day before. The anesthesiologist appeared shortly after.

“Good morning,” Dr. Belaire said.

“Morning,” I replied.

Dr. Allen, the anesthesiologist, smiled at Mia, then directed his attention to Chris and me. “Like we talked about yesterday, Mia will be given anesthesia and will not feel anything for the duration of the surgery. I’m going to give her a syrup now that will help calm her. She’ll be very relaxed by the time she has to leave you to go into the operating room.”

I answered a few questions about Mia’s weight and the last time she ate, and Dr. Allen gave her the sedative.

Mia licked her lips. “That’s pretty good. I don’t think it will make me feel a little sleepy like you said, though.”

I smiled at her, and Dr. Belaire started talking. “We’ll remove the lymph nodes first, and then we will perform the thyroidectomy. The process will take about an hour. I’ll send a nurse out to update you after I’ve removed the lymph nodes. Mia will wake up shortly after the surgery and will have a sore throat and be a little groggy.” He glanced at her. “If you would like me to review the process, we can step out of the room.”

I shook my head. We had gone over it yesterday. They would cut open her neck, being careful not to damage her vocal cords or any blood vessels. Her thyroid would be removed from the opening, and a tube would be put in for drainage. Her neck would be stitched up and bandaged. The tube would be removed tomorrow as long as she didn’t have any infection. I didn’t need to hear about it again.

“Okay, then.”

Dr. Allen leaned over Mia. “Are you a little sleepy?”

“Just a little.” Her voice was quiet, and she spoke slowly.

He nodded at us. “Time to go.”

The nurse and the doctors started pushing Mia’s bed down the hall, and everything felt surreal as Chris and I walked on either side of her. This wasn’t really happening. Mia was not going to go through those two doors that were getting close so fast and I couldn’t leave her alone …

“Okay, Mia. Say bye to Mom and Dad,” the nurse said.

Chris had squatted down next to Mia before she replied. “I talked to your mom. I’m your dad now, okay?”

Mia gave him a lazy smile. “Okay,” she whispered.

He hugged her. “We love you.”

I grabbed her hand and kissed her. “You’re so brave. I’m really proud of you. Love you.”

Keeping her hand in mine, I stood back up, never taking my eyes off her. The smile fell from her face as she looked toward the doors. “Mom? I don’t want to be brave.”

“You can do it, sweetie.”
You have to.

The doors opened and they kept pushing her, her hand pulling out of mine. “I don’t want to be brave …”

The doors slammed shut behind them.

Chapter Twenty-Six

I
WAS FROZEN AS I
stood there, staring at those doors. My little girl was scared and about to have her
neck
cut open.

And there was nothing I could do.

I could feel Chris’s hand on my arm, and slowly his voice came into focus.

“… be fine. She’ll be okay.”

I blinked. “There’s nothing we can do.”

“No, baby. We just have to wait now.”

I didn’t answer him.

“Brooke?”

This is happening and I can’t do a fucking thing to change it.

“Do you want this?”

I looked down at the little bottle of hand sanitizer Chris held toward me and reached out my hand. But I drew it back at the last second. “No.”

“No?”

“It’s not going to change anything. I don’t want it.”

Chris hugged me, not saying anything. I leaned against him, listening to the beating of his heart mixing with the pulsing in my head. “Chris?”

“What is it?”

“This sucks.”

“This really sucks.”

“I’m glad you’re here.”

He kissed the top of my head. “This is where I belong. With you and Mia.”

* * *

We walked to the waiting room together and sat with my family for the longest thirty-nine minutes of my life. Everyone made small talk. We drank too much coffee. I paced and sat down, only to stand up and pace again.

But finally a nurse came out to tell us that the lymph nodes had been removed, and Mia was doing well. The surgeons were moving on to her thyroid. It would probably take another half an hour.

I looked at my phone as the nurse left. 9:44 a.m.

The efforts of talking had gone out the window. We were in the home stretch, and everyone in the room loved Mia. I knew they all felt as emotionally drained as I did.

Chris was holding my hand in both of his, trailing his fingers along my skin every so often. I checked my phone again. 9:45 a.m.

Looking for something to do, I went to the bathroom. 9:47 a.m.

I walked to get coffee with Zoey. 9:50 a.m.

This was taking forever. We needed to talk about something to pass the time. “I told Mia we would go to Disney World when she gets the all clear from the doctor.”

My dad looked up. “That’s a good idea, Brooke. It gives her something fun to focus on.”

“Yeah.” I nodded. “It worked. Over the past eight days, she negotiated a Rapunzel dress and three toys when we go.”

Mom smiled. “She gets that from you. When you were little, you used to negotiate for things whenever you had to wear a dress.”

“I don’t remember that. What did I ask for?”

“Oh, art supplies usually. Scented markers—”

“The ones that Zoey left the tops off! I remember now!”

“My God, Brooke. It was like twenty years ago. Get over it!” Zoey finally stopped twisting her hands in front of her and shot me what would have passed as an angry expression, except she started laughing midway through.

I stuck my tongue out at her. “Anyway, I want all of us to go. I have enough money saved to pay for everyone.”

Dad shook his head. “You don’t need to do that.”

“I want to. We all need to have a good time as a family.”

My dad looked like he was going to argue but changed his mind as he looked at me. “We can talk about it later.”

I didn’t want to tell them
why
I could afford to take everyone without having to worry, so I decided to let it go. I had a few months to convince him.