Bible Stories for Adults

Title Page

Table of Contents

Copyright

Preface

Bible Stories for Adults, No. 17: The Deluge

Daughter Earth

Known But to God and Wilbur Hines

Bible Stories for Adults, No. 20: The Tower

Spelling God with the Wrong Blocks

The Assemblage of Kristin

Bible Stories for Adults, No. 31: The Covenant

Abe Lincoln in McDonald's

The Confessions of Ebenezer Scrooge

Bible Stories for Adults, No. 46: The Soap Opera

Diary of a Mad Deity

Arms and the Woman

Publication Acknowledgments

About the Author

Copyright © 1996, 1994, 1992, 1991, 1990, 1989, 1988, 1987, 1984 by James Morrow

 

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

 

For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, write to Permissions, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company, 215 Park Avenue South, New York, New York 10003.

 

www.hmhco.com

 

The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:
Morrow, James, 1947—
Bible stories for adults/James Morrow.
p. cm.

ISBN 0-15-100192-8

ISBN 0-15-600244-2 (pb: A Harvest original)

1. Science fiction, American. 2. Staire, American. I. Title.

PS3563.0876B5 1996
813'.54—dc20 95-36805

 

e
ISBN
978-0-544-34365-8
v1.0214

 

Publication acknowledgments appear on
[>]
which constitutes a continuation of the copyright page.

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe the Bible is an anthology and those who believe it is a collection. Do the Scriptures trace to many minds, or were they dictated by a single Author? As the year 2001 approaches, this controversy will grow increasingly acute. The Parousia may get postponed, Jesus may neglect to come, Judgment Day may decline to dawn, but the one thing we
do
know the turn of the millennium will bring is millennialism. It will bring prophecies, predictions, and plays for power by those for whom the Bible is the “Word of God.” People who prefer the anthology theory of Bible origins, meanwhile, may experience a strong impulse to head for the hills. Myself, I intend to roll up my sleeves, fire up my computer, and continue rewriting Holy Writ as subversively as I can.

Four of the stories in the present collection are overt critiques of famous Bible tales: a deconstruction of the Flood legend, a follow-up to the Tower of Babel fable, an alternative climax to Moses' theophany on Sinai, and the further fulminations of Job. The Judeo-Christian worldview also informs “Daughter Earth,” with its unprecedented nativity; “Spelling God with the Wrong Blocks,” my attempt to stand so-called creation science on its head; and “Diary of a Mad Deity,” which purports to explain why Yahweh possesses the authoritarian personality he so frequently exhibits in the Torah.

Monotheism is just one of the myths by which we live, and Yahweh is just one of the deities who populate these stories. Powering the plot of “Known But to God and Wilbur Hines” is the dark god of nationalism. “The Confessions of Ebenezer Scrooge” exploits Dickens's morality tale to ask whether charity alone can exorcise the demons that drive monopoly capitalism. “Arms and the Woman” considers the
Iliad
as a tract celebrating the cult of organized warfare.

Eschatological themes are not the only ones that fascinate me. “The Assemblage of Kristin” uses ghost-story conventions to address the mystery of consciousness; “Abe Lincoln in McDonald's” considers the notion that middle-class America would have far less difficulty accommodating chattel slavery than is commonly supposed; motifs of procreation, parenting, feminism, and epistemology figure throughout these pages. Nevertheless, religion remains the obsession I am most often called upon to defend. Whenever one of my send-ups of the sacred appears in a magazine, I can expect a letter from a churchgoer informing me that I missed the point of whichever scriptural passages I was trying to flay. Meanwhile, my friends in the nouveau paganism camp accuse me of quaintness: Bible thumpers are straw men, so why bother? (In this view, my efforts amount to what P. J. O'Rourke calls “hunting dairy cows with a high-powered rifle and scope.”) My answer is that straw men, once set aflame with zeal, can be quite dangerous and that the gap between New Age irrationalism and Christian fundamentalism is not nearly so wide as we might wish to believe.

Much to my delight, Harcourt Brace has elected to release
Bible Stories for Adults
in tandem with a trade paperback reprint of my 1990 novel,
Only Begotten Daughter
, an inquiry into a neglected branch of Jesus' family tree. Together, these two volumes can be taken as a science-fiction satirist's responses to the Old Testament and the New Testament respectively. While the meanings of the present stories and
Only Begotten Daughter
may be ambiguous, their source—as far as I can tell—is not. To the best of my knowledge, all issue from the same bewildered pilgrim operating with a single befuddled brain.

James Morrow
State College, Pennsylvania
September 11, 1995

T
AKE YOUR CUP
down to the Caspian, dip, and drink. It did not always taste of salt. Yahweh's watery slaughter may have purified the earth, but it left his seas a ruin, brackish with pagan blood and the tears of wicked orphans.

 

Sheila and her generation know the deluge is coming. Yahweh speaks to them through their sins. A thief cuts a purse, and the shekels clank together, pealing out a call to repentance. A priest kneels before a graven image of Dagon, and the statue opens its marble jaws, issuing not its own warnings but Yahweh's. A harlot threads herself with a thorny vine, tearing out unwanted flesh, and a divine voice rises from the bleeding fetus. You are a corrupt race, Yahweh says, abominable in my sight. My rains will scrub you from the earth.

Yahweh is as good as his word. The storm breaks. Creeks become rivers, rivers cataracts. Lakes blossom into broiling, wrathful seas.

Yes, Sheila is thoroughly foul in those days, her apple home to many worms, the scroll of her sins as long as the Araxas. She is gluttonous and unkempt. She sells her body. Her abortions number eleven.
I should have made it twelve
, she realizes on the day the deluge begins. But it is too late, she had already gone through with it—the labor more agonizing than any abortion, her breasts left pulpy and deformed—and soon the boy was seven, athletic, clever, fair of face, but today the swift feet are clamped in the cleft of an olive-tree root, the clever hands are still, the fair face lies buried in water.

A mother, Sheila has heard, should be a boat to her child, buoying him up during floods, bearing him through storms, and yet it is Sam who rescues her. She is hoisting his corpse aloft, hoping to drain the death from his lungs, when suddenly his little canoe floats by. A scooped-out log, nothing more, but still his favorite toy. He liked to paddle it across the Araxas and catch turtles in the marsh.

Sheila climbs aboard, leaving Sam's meat to the sharks.

 

C
APTAIN'S
L
OG
. 10 J
UNE
1057 A
FTER
C
REATION

 

The beasts eat too much. At present rates of consumption, we'll be out of provisions in a mere fifteen weeks.

 

For the herbivores: 4,540 pounds of oats a day, 6,780 pounds of hay, 2,460 of vegetables, and 3,250 of fruit.

 

For the carnivores: 17,620 pounds of yak and caribou meat a day. And we may lose the whole supply if we don't find a way to freeze it.

 

Yahweh's displeasure pours down in great swirling sheets, as if the planet lies fixed beneath a waterfall. Sheila paddles without passion, no goal in mind, no reason to live. Fierce winds chum the sea. Lightning shatters the sky. The floodwaters thicken with disintegrating sinners, afloat on their backs, their gelatinous eyes locked in pleading stares, as if begging God for a second chance.

The world reeks. Sheila gags on the vapors. Is the decay of the wicked, she wonders, more odoriferous than that of the just? When she dies, will her stink drive away even flies and vultures?

Sheila wants to die, but her flesh argues otherwise, making her lift her mouth toward heaven and swallow the quenching downpour. The hunger will be harder to solve: it hurts, a scorpion stinging her belly, so painful that Sheila resolves to add cannibalism to her repertoire. But then, in the bottom of the canoe, she spies two huddled turtles, confused, fearful. She eats one raw, beginning with the head, chewing the leathery tissues, drinking the salty blood.

A dark, mountainous shape cruises out of the blur. A sea monster, she decides, angry, sharp-toothed, ravenous . . . Yahweh incarnate, eager to rid the earth of Sheila. Fine. Good. Amen. Painfully she lifts her paddle, heavy as a millstone, and strokes through a congestion of drowned princes and waterlogged horses, straight for the hulking deity.

Now God is upon her, a headlong collision, fracturing the canoe like a crocodile's tail smacking an egg. The floodwaters cover her, a frigid darkness flows through her, and with her last breath she lobs a sphere of mucus into Yahweh's gloomy and featureless face.

 

C
APTAIN'S
L
OG
. 20 J
UNE
1057 A.C.

 

Yahweh said nothing about survivors. Yet this morning we came upon two.

 

The
Testudo marginata
posed no problem. We have plenty of turtles, all two hundred and twenty-five species in fact, Testudinidae, Chelydridae, Platysternidae, Kinosternidae, Chelonidae, you name it. Unclean beasts, inedible, useless. We left it to the flood. Soon it will swim itself to death.

 

The
Homo sapiens
was a different matter. Frightened, delirious, she clung to her broken canoe like a sloth embracing a tree. “Yahweh was explicit,” said Ham, leaning over
Eden II's
rail, calling into the gushing storm.
“Every person not in this family deserves death.”

 

“She is one of the tainted generation,” added his wife.
“A whore. Abandon her.”

 

“No,” countered Japheth. “We must throw her a line, as any men of virtue would do.”

 

His young bride had no opinion.

 

As for Shem and Tamar, the harlot's arrival became yet another occasion for them to bicker. “Japheth is right,” insisted Shem.
“Bring her among us, Father.”

 

“Let Yahweh have his way with her,” retorted Tamar. “Let the flood fulfill its purpose.”

 

“What do
you
think?” I asked Reumah.

 

Smiling softly, my wife pointed to the dinghy.

 

I ordered the little boat lowered. Japheth and Shem rode it to the surface of the lurching sea, prying the harlot from her canoe, hauling her over the transom. After much struggle we got her aboard
Eden II,
laying her unconscious bulk on the foredeck. She was a lewd walrus, fat and dissipated. A chain of rat skulls dangled from her squat neck. When Japheth pushed on her chest, water fountained out, and she released a cough like a yak's roar.

 

“Who are you?” I demanded.

 

She fixed me with a dazed stare and fainted. We carried her below, setting her among the pigs like the unclean thing she is. Reumah stripped away our visitor's soggy garments, and I winced to behold her pocked and twisted flesh.

 

“Sinner or not, Yahweh has seen fit to spare her,” said my wife, wrapping a dry robe around the harlot. “We are the instruments of his amnesty.”

 

“Perhaps,” I said, snapping the word like a whip.