Big Girls Do It Married (14 page)

The MC swept an arm at the stage, on cue with the stage lights exploding to life. My heart stopped, my stomach clenched, and my blood went cold.

I turned in place to glare at Jeff. "What the fuck is this?"
 

"This is your last chance," he answered.

Further conversation was pointless. The drummer kicked a fast beat, and then they were off, a hard, driving number full of angst and anger. I couldn't make out much of the lyrics, but I had a feeling they were about me.

Chase was on fire. He wore nothing but leather pants and heavy black boots and thick, spiked leather cuffs on his forearms, spanning from wrist to elbow. He gripped an old-fashioned square handheld microphone in both hands and bounded from one side of the stage to the other, eyes blazing, thick muscles rippling on his bare, oiled torso.
 

I couldn't tear my eyes off him. I hadn't expected to ever see Chase again, yet here he was, in Las Vegas, the day before I was set to get married. Between numbers, I forced myself to turn and face Jeff.

"What is the meaning of this, Jeff Cartwright?"

Jeff's eyes were hard and serious. "I found out they were playing here the other day. I didn't plan this. But when I saw it was him, I had to know."
 

"Know what?"
 

Jeff pointed at the stage. "I'll never be him. I'll never be like him. I can't do that, I can't look like that. I can't be that. Can't, and won't." He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a VIP backstage pass on a lanyard. "I have to know if this is really what you want. If
I'm
really what you want."

"I chose you—" I started, but Jeff held up his hand, pushed the backstage pass into my hands.
 

"Like I said, last chance to get out. To get that," he said, with a gesture at the stage, and then he turned and made his way through the crowd, away from me.

I watched Jeff disappear, and then turned back to the stage. At that moment Chase was standing in the spotlight as the guitarist plucked a mournful intro melody. His eyes roved the crowd and found me. Shock rippled through him, so potent he almost dropped the mic. His gaze moved down to the VIP pass in my hands, and then I saw hope blossom on his face, quickly shut away.
 

Why would Jeff do this?

I couldn't figure it out. I thought I'd made my choice. I didn't think I'd ever have to feel Chase's eyes on me, waiting, ever again. But yet, there I was. I felt a presence beside me, smelled Jamie's familiar perfume. She didn't say anything; she only watched as Chase lifted the mic to his mouth, his eyes never leaving me. The look on Chase's face was haunting, full of longing. If I didn't know better, I might think all this had been scripted or arranged. The song was clearly about me, and now, by my sudden presence, sung directly to me.

"This next song is...special. It's brand new, you guys are the first live audience to hear it played. I wrote it during a time of...heartbreak and loss. Just listen, you'll see what I mean." Chase paused, and it was obvious he was struggling with emotion. "I hadn't planned this, but the person...the woman I wrote this song about, is in the audience today. Makes this performance especially personal. Anna, this is for you."

The guitar picked up volume and tempo; Chase closed his eyes, breathed deeply, then his eyes flicked open and focused on me.

He lifted the mic to his mouth and began to sing:

"I found you

floating between the pores of time

I found you

a dream of pale flesh and bright eyes

a fever dream

The moment our eyes met

I saw the gleam of need

and I couldn't resist

I found you

and I pulled you close

I found you

and I fell for you

but you walked away

I found myself

lost in the long dark night

watching the stars burn
 

watching your image fade

I found myself

dreaming in the dark

loving a ghost

a vision of you
 

not dead but gone all the same

I found myself

broken by you

blooded by you

I found you

a dream of pale flesh and bright eyes

a fever dream

I found you

nothing but a dream

I found you

nothing but a dream."

The song began as a haunting lullaby, sprightly and sweetly melodic, but always beneath there was a low, thrumming bass line weaving around the guitar chords and lyrics. When the words changed from "I found you" to "I found myself," the tempo picked up and the rhythm guitar started to chug, the bass began to pick up volume and discordant power, and the drums started to sprint, deep pounding bass drums and galloping snares. By the end of the song all was raging, the words no longer sung but screamed, and his eyes, god, his eyes, locked so laser-bright on me, until the crowd near me turned to see who he was singing to, screaming at with such pain and anger rife in his expression. He pointed, kneeling, when he began the last chorus, he pointed at me. The spotlights found me, frozen in place, eyes wide and terrified, heart pounding as loud as the bass drum.

Guitars went silent, drums faded, Chase's powerful voice quieted. All was motionless, a statue-still tableau, Chase's eyes fixed on mine. Jamie was next to me, her fingers gripping my arm in painful vise grip.

"
Do something
," Jamie hissed.

What could I do?

"You bastard." I wasn't sure if I meant Chase or Jeff.
 

I ripped the lanyard off my neck and shoved it at Jamie. The silence held, so profound that each shuffle of a foot, each clearing of a throat, was loud as a gunshot.
 

My words, spoken loud to carry to the stage, were audible to everyone. "I made my choice, Chase. I didn't want—I didn't come here on purpose. I'm sorry."

I turned and ran. The crowd parted for me. The double doors leading out to the casino floor stood in front of me, and I pushed them open.
 

Chase's voice froze me, raw and deep, amplified by the mammoth sound system. "Are you happy?"
 

I turned slowly and let the doors thump closed behind me. "What?"

"I asked if you're happy with him."

"Yes." I nodded, so that if he couldn't hear me clearly, he'd know my answer.

A charged pause sparked between us, even separated by hundreds of feet and hundreds of people. His eyes, his body, his presence, I couldn't help my physical response to him. I still wanted him, still desired him. My muscles trembled in memory of what he could do to me, of being tied up to his mercy. I pushed the traitorous image away. I didn't want that anymore. Not with him. I focused on Jeff's face, his hands, his body, his love. I felt the doors open, a brief cold breeze and a sense of openness behind me, and then Jeff's hard body brushed against my back. I leaned into him.

"Then that's all that matters," Chase said. His gaze flicked up to Jeff, and his next words were for him. "Take care of her."

I felt Jeff nod, once, curt.
 

Another pause, during which Chase turned away and addressed the band. There were nods all around, and then the drummer snapped his drum sticks together on a fast four-count. On the fourth clack of the sticks, the entire band burst into synchronized sound, the bass, rhythm guitar, and drums all matching with a driving heavy metal beat. Chase stood facing away from the crowd, mic held loosely by his side, bent at the waist and headbanging to the rhythm. I felt Jeff pulling me away, and I turned into him.
 

The song was brutal, hard-charging and pulsating with angst. I heard the opening lines growled with primal rage: "
How can I escape your eyes? I can't, I can't...How can I escape your lies? I can't, I can't—
"

Then the doors slid closed and the sound was muffled. I fell against Jeff's chest, sobbing.

"Why? Why did you do that to me?" I stepped back and slammed my fists into his broad chest. "I didn't
fucking
need that!"

"I'm sorry. But when I found out he was playing in Vegas, I just—"

"Had to test me?"

Jeff blew a long breath between pursed lips. "Yes, honestly. I also figured if he was here, and you were here, knowing your luck you'd run into him at the worst possible moment. Like, you'd be about to say 'I do' and he'd walk into the Venetian at that exact moment."

I tried to fight the laughter bubbling up at the image. "Yeah, that's exactly what would have happened."

"I'm sorry, Anna. I didn't mean to blindside you, but honestly, I had to know. I'm not Chase. I'm not some exciting, sexy rockstar. I like a quiet life."

"Why are you so hung up on this?" I asked him. "If I wanted someone like him, I would have chosen
him
. I chose
you
. I want
you
. Part of the reason I love you so much is that you're confident in who you are without being cocky. Why is it whenever he's around, or he comes up, you get all insecure?"

Jeff's eyes hardened. "Because you chose him over me once before, remember? Hard not to be insecure about that when I know you're capable of it."

My heart panged at the pain written in the lines of his face. "I guess I deserved that."

"Guess so." He looked away, and when he turned back to me, his eyes were softer. "Listen, Anna. I'm sorry. So sorry. I know that was really unfair of me to do. It wasn't about testing you—I mean, I guess it was, but...I can't lose you again. I can't. I saw the flyer for this music festival and I saw his band name on it, and I just...I froze."

I opened my mouth to say something, I wasn't even sure what, but he held up his hand to silence me.
 

"When you left me to go to New York, I knew—" His voice broke with a welter of potent emotion. "I knew what you were going for. You thought you might love him. Maybe you didn't think it in so many words, but I knew. I saw it. You thought you might love him more than you loved me. I...letting you go was the single hardest thing I've ever done. I've buried buddies, Anna. I've buried best friends. But no lie, letting you go to him...that ripped me to shreds. You'll never know how hard that was—at least I hope you won't. I
cannot
go through that again. I watched you walk away, picking
him
over
me
. You went to New York and spent a week
fucking him
, when you'd just been with me. You know how hard that was for me? It was the longest week of my life. And then you came back, I knew you were back, I drove by your apartment and you were there, I saw you. I almost went up to the door, to talk to you, to—I don't know. Yell at you, or beg you to come to me. But I didn't. I waited. And you came back to me, wanting me because he'd hurt you. I wanted to kill him. No lie. But...you needed me. You need me."

Crowds flowed around us, oblivious, and music pounded on the other side of the door, Chase's band. Jeff paused, gathering himself.

"I need you, Anna. But if you want him, if there's any doubt in your mind that you might still care about him, then go. He's right through those doors, and he's still in love with you. He'll take you back. I had to know, Anna. I
had to
. I can't live through you picking him again. So if that's what you're gonna do, do it now." He held my face in his hands. "The last thing I ever wanted to do was cause you any more pain, and I'm
so
sorry. Forgive me for putting you through that. But I—I had to know."

I turned away from him to stare at the door, as if I could see Chase through it. I searched myself, scoured my heart and soul with brutal honesty; I owed Jeff that much.
 

I turned back to Jeff and let him see all of me in my eyes. "I choose you, Jeff. There's no doubt in my mind, no question. None. You are my heart and soul. He's my past. I'll never choose anyone but you for as long as I live. I wouldn't have agreed to marry you if that wasn't true." I let out a long breath. "Now, can we go? Or do you have any more
tests
for me?"
 

"Guess I deserved that," Jeff said.
 

"Guess so."

He took my face in his hands and kissed me. I resisted, turned away from his kiss for the one and only time in our romantic relationship. I was still angry at him for bludgeoning me with Chase.
 

"No." I ripped free from his arms. "I'm mad at you."

I walked out of the casino and hailed a cab, Jeff trailing behind me. I climbed into the cab and gave the driver our hotel name. Jeff sat in silence beside me, picking at his fingernails.
 

My lips tingled from the force of Jeff's kiss. It had been furious, demanding kiss, claiming me as his. My anger was fading, but I refused to give in to Jeff just yet. I could tell he felt bad, but I wasn't ready to let him off the hook yet. I hadn't deserved to be blindsided like that, not with Chase, not when I'd already endured the agony of having to choose. I didn't love Chase, but he hadn't deserved that shock, either, especially not during a public performance. The pain in his eyes had nearly broken my heart all over again.
 

I knew why Jeff had done it, though, and I didn't blame him, not now that my anger was receding. I
had
chosen Chase over Jeff once upon a time, and even though a deep, dark, secret place inside me held on to the memories of my time with Chase, I did regret having left Jeff. I regretted having hurt him, having broken his trust in me.
 

I couldn't change that, but I could prove to Jeff I only wanted him. I decided to prove it the only way I knew how.

We got back to our hotel room, and I waited behind Jeff while he slid the card into the lock reader. Seconds seemed to stretch out, the light turning green with a soft
click
, the door sliding open on oiled hinges, my heart thudding in my chest as if we were going into the room to make love for the first time, rather than the thousandth time. My hands shook, a cold sweat broke out on the small of my back, and a burning flush of desire flamed my cheeks, turned my panties damp.